The Doctor strolled into the control room, hands tucked far into his pockets and mind deep in thought. In fact, he was so preoccupied that he nearly walked into Amy and Rory, who had their arms wrapped around each other and were snogging amorously.
"Oi!" The Doctor exclaimed in equal surprise and annoyance and he narrowly avoided stumbling into the couple. "No kissing in the control room! Why is it you two are always doing the kissing thing in the middle of it all?" he griped, glancing at the Ponds, who were marginally farther apart and now stood side by side. Rory shifted uncomfortably, but Amy was, as always, perfectly at ease and slipped an arm around her husband's waist.
"Watch it, mister. Not only are you in grave danger of coming off as a total prude, but I know for a fact that you're being a big fat hypocrite," Amy returned smugly. Now it was The Doctor's turn to shuffle uneasily, glancing nervously between Amy and Rory
"Amy!" The Doctor squeaked, feigning innocence while trying to be subtle about glowering warningly at Amy.
"I seem to recall a particular time I walked in on you and River doing a fair bit more than 'the kissing thing' in the control room," Amy drawled, thoughtfully tapping her chin with her index finger. Her eyes sparkled with wicked, playful delight, thoroughly enjoying having turned the tables on The Doctor.
"Ah, I- We- I mean-" The Doctor spluttered, blushing furiously at the rather explicit memory that popped into his mind at Amy's words.
"What was that, Doctor?" Amy asked with a smirk.
"Amelia Pond, you mean, mean girl! You promised you'd never tell Rory!" The Doctor cried, his voice increasing in corresponding pitch and hysteria. He peered fearfully over at Rory, whose blank expression of shock was rapidly turning red with what The Doctor guessed to be both embarrassed awkwardness and the Rory version of anger.
"Doctor, have you been - with my daughter - in the control room?!" Rory demanded incredulously. Before The Doctor had the chance to reply, Rory added, "I still have my sword, you know! And with 2,000 years protecting Amy, I've had plenty of time get quite good at using it." The Doctor made a sound that was an interesting cross between a startled yelp and someone choking violently.
"Erm, well, yes, you see, it's like this: we'd just gotten back from Cennetica, and you remember how that went! And c'mon, you know River, she's-"
"I'd think very carefully about what I'd say next if I were you, Doctor," Rory cautioned, taking a step forward.
"First she's all, 'Hello, Sweetie' and it's 'Spoilers' this and 'Spoilers' that and she's always so-" The Doctor huffed in frustration, gesticulating wildly with his flailing hands, unable to find a word with enough fire and honey that might describe his wife. "She's River Song! Have you ever been successful in keeping her from doing exactly what she wanted?" he exploded, running a hand through his floppy mane of coffee-colored hair.
"No," Rory admitted reluctantly, "but you have to remember, Doctor, that she's more than just your River. She's also Mels, the little girl I grew up with, as well as Melody, my daughter! And I get that you two have some sort of on and off, back-to-front marriage-relationship thing - I mean I don't, but...I do understand you have a, a connection let's say. You're The Doctor and she's River Song and you're kind of perfect together, in a completely insane way. I may not have had the chance to raise her, at least not properly as her father, but if you ever treat my daughter with less respect than she deserves, I swear I'll make sure you regret it. I'll wait another 2,000 years if I have to," Rory concluded earnestly, and even Amy was silent. Then, a broad smile made it's way onto The Doctor's face, causing the Ponds to look at him curiously.
"Rory the Roman, Rory the Lone Centurion, Rory Pond," The Doctor said loudly, stepping forward to clap Rory jovially on the shoulder. "I'm so very glad you got to say that. After all this time, you're still Melody's, River's, father. Threatening the son-in-law, how perfectly dad-like of you. Brilliant! Now, some day in her future, River is going to meet a me from my past who is less than she deserves. But I swear to you, Ponds, that I'll always come when she calls, catch her when she falls, and return for her, through all of time and space; even when she finds me too young to love her. Even then. All right?" Though neither Rory nor Amy really understood what he meant when he spoke of River meeting an unworthy Doctor from his personal past, they both trusted this man with everything. Even their daughter.
"All right, then," Amy agreed, smiling at her raggedy Doctor.
"Good, good, I'm happy that's all sorted," The Doctor responded, moving on quickly from the serious moment that had just transpired between the three of them. "I still don't want to keep having to walk in on you, Rory, and the smoochies in my own control room - and I don't think Sexy is overly fond of it either," he responded, glancing around furtively as he whispered the last bit.
"And I don't want to have to hear about you and River- you know," Rory added hastily. Amy merely rolled her eyes.
"You two, honestly! Both full grown men, married no less! And still too uncomfortable to talk about sex properly. Speaking of, we should probably come up with some sort of 'this married couple needs some alone time' indicator," Amy mused.
"D'you really think that's necessary?" The Doctor asked, somewhat embarrassed at the prospect of telling the Ponds he was about to have sex with their daughter. Even if she was technically older than they were. Both Amy and Rory looked at The Doctor with disbelief.
"Hello? Did you not just hear the conversation we just had?" Rory inquired.
"Yes, yes I know, still and all..." The Doctor trailed off awkwardly.
"It's a bit unreasonable to ask us to put our," Amy gestured between Rory and herself, "sex life on hold because you wanted to take us to save some planet, don't you think, Doctor?" Not giving him any time to respond, the flame-haired Scot continued. "Just like it's unfair of us to expect you to avoid River just because we happen to be traveling with you at the time," Amy concluded rationally.
"I suppose so," The Doctor agreed unwillingly, seeing the logic of her idea.
"Besides, Amy started mischievously, "how do you think we made your wife in the first place?" She smirked impishly, Rory groaned and hid his face in his hand, and The Doctor simply shook his head and wandered away, having forgotten why it is he entered the control room in the first place.