Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law
a huge disaster
by Black Dragon

Standard disclaimer applies. I don't own anything. I am poor and homeless, and I write my stories on a hot-wired Internet Cafe computer. So don't sue me or anything. Oh, and I'll be using lots of characters that belong to other people. I got this idea from watching Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law on Cartoon Network and from some fellows at Delphi. So it's bound to suck. Oh well.

Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law
Case 1

"So c'mon Pop? Which one is better?" Ranma held up two business suits in front of the large panda in his office, one gray and the other solid black.
The panda sweatdropped, then held up a sign. [What do you mean? Just pick one!]
Ranma stared at his father, annoyed. "I want your opinion, dope! Here, look. I think the black one makes me look more intimidating and gives me a psychological edge..." he held the black suit up in front of his body, which had been stripped down to the boxers. "But the gray one looks just a bit sharper, and really brings out the color of my eyes, don't you think?" he held the gray one up next.
The panda just rolled its eyes. [Whatever. The gray one.]
"But then again, the gray creates a contrast with my hair, so I'm thinking that maybe a straight black just might suit me better."
The panda's eye twitched. [Fine! The black one then!]
"But still, maybe greater contrast would look better? I mean, I'm no fashion guru..."
A vein popped out on Genma's head, and he prepared to swing the sign at Ranma's preoccupied head, only to miss when the intercom buzzed and Ranma turned to press the button.
*Airen, many girl here to see you!*
Ranma blinked. "That's odd. Shampoo, do they have an appointment?"
*No, they say very important though. And they wear too too short skirt.*
Ranma considered it for a moment. "Are they hot?"
*Since air conditioner broken, it seem so.*
The pigtailed lawyer nodded. "Right. Send 'em in." Ranma took his finger off the intercom, then walked around behind his desk and sat down in the plush leather chair.
After a few moments there was a knock at the door, and Genma opened it to admit Sailor Moon, Mercury, Mars, Venus, and Jupiter.

"Ah! Good, good! Now what can I do for you ladies?" Ranma leaned forward, grinning.
Sailor Moon opened her mouth to speak, then got a good look at Ranma and almost choked as she blushed. "Ah... why aren't you wearing any clothes?"
Ranma blinked, then looked down at his bare chest. "Ah. Yes. A very good question." Then he picked the two suits off the ground and lifted them up. "Tell me, which one to you like better?"
"The gray one!" Venus answered instantly.
Ranma nodded, then ducked under his desk for a moment before coming up again, fully clothed, but with his jacket put on backward.
"Uh... your shirt is backward..." Mercury pointed out slowly.
Ranma nodded once again. "I'm aware of that. Saves me from putting on a tie." He leaned back in his chair, and set his feet on the table. "Now, what can I do ya for?"
Sailor Moon stepped up. "It's terrible! We're being sued for assault and attempted murder! Us! The Sailor Senshi!"
Ranma nodded slowly. "I see... did you do it?"
"Of course we did it!" Mars shouted, "But we did it in the name of love and justice, so it's okay!"
"Yeah... that might hurt our case JUST a tad," Ranma deadpanned.
"Well, that's all there is to it," Sailor Moon said, "will you take our case?"
"Just a moment." Ranma peered over her shoulder, and watched as Genma shook a magic 8-ball.
Genma looked up and nodded.
"Sure! This'll be a piece of cake!" Ranma laughed. "Now who's up for coffee?"
"I am!" The Senshi all raised their hands at once.

Ranma hurried into the courthouse, dressed sharply in his gray suit and tie, followed by all the Inner Senshi.
He immediately located his bench, where Genma was already sitting in human form, dressed in his normal off-white gi.
The moment he sat down, Genma handed him a washcloth.
"You've got lipstick marks on your face," Genma deadpanned, not taking his eyes off the judge's stand.
Ranma blinked, then chuckled nervously as he wiped the red stains off as the Senshi took their seats next to him.
"I don't suppose you actually worked on the case much..." Genma ventured.
"Case? Oh! You mean this case!" Ranma looked around, then shrugged. "Eh. Wouldn't be the first time I've gone into court a bit ill-prepared."
"Didn't you lose those cases?" Genma asked, finally looking at his son.
"Shut up," Ranma grumbled. Then he looked around a bit more. "Prosecution's late..."
"Actually, we're right on time." Ranma and the Senshi turned to see a large woman with several extra body parts that normally belonged on a scorpion, escorted by a normal-sized, shapely woman with long, dark green hair.
Sailor Moon gasped. "Setsuna! You traitor! How could you do this?"
"Quiet!" Setsuna hissed, "Look, I really need this commission! If I don't get cash NOW, they're going to foreclose on the time gates! Not to mention it's been two millennia since I last paid an electricity bill! I've got loans to pay off too!" Setsuna sat down on her bench in a huff, followed by the slightly confused youma.

Zelgadis waited until the room had settled down before coughing to get everyone's attention and gesturing to the door.
"Now residing, the dishonorable, unreasonable, and generally all-around unpleasant Judge Frieza!"
The door burst open, and Frieza floated in on his hovering chair.
"Ha ha ha ha ha! Pathetic fools! You are nothing to me! I will crush you all!" Frieza laughed maniacally, causing everyone in the room to sweatdrop.
Still grinning like a madman, Frieze floated his hover chair over the judge's stand, then dropped it down, only to get stuck between the desk and the back wall, hung well above the floor of the stand.
"Hrgh! What's wrong with this stupid thing?!" *Crunch* *Grind* *Crash* "It's stuck!"
Zelgadis looked up at him and sighed. "That'll do."
Frieza glared down at him. "But I can't reach the gavel!" Indeed, the small mallet was perched on the edge of the judge's desk, just out of Frieza's reach.
"Just improvise," Zelgadis mumbled irritably.
Frieza considered this for a moment, then nodded. "Order in the court!" He then fired a ki blast that streaked over Ranma's head, and vaporized an entire row of people in the stands.
Ranma blinked, then leaned toward Moon. "He's a homicidal psycho. That means he won't care about right and wrong or the law. Looking good for us!" Ranma winked at the leader of the Senshi as she stared at him oddly.
Frieza cleared his throat. "I don't give a saiyan's tail for any of you, and I don't care what this is all about. I could vaporize you all on a whim if I so pleased! Justice can go suck dirt for all I care!"
He stopped ranting, and then sighed, "But I'm getting my ship reupholstered, so I have a few days to kill. Now get on with it!"
Setsuna stood up. "Of course your honor. These girls, these... rampaging, mercenary vigilantes have been stalking our streets for too long! Night after night, they go out onto the streets with murderous intent! Seeking out poor, defenseless creatures, like my client, and then hunting them down with extreme prejudice!"
Setsuna's eyes burned. "The streets must be made safe again! How much of this can we endure? When little girls are given such power, and then use it to kill! Oh, sure, they may say that the creatures they slay are evil, but is the crime of draining a little energy really worthy of immediate termination? And what about the obvious racial profiling involved in their operations? In all of their battles, there is a serious lack of investigation into the matter at hand. IN FACT, one might have reason to believe that they immediately blame the only non-humans for whatever is going wrong! In my review of the Senshi's activities, I have never once seen them ever investigate any of the unconscious bodies of the victims for a possible cause of-"
Sailor Mars had been slowly turning more and more red ever since Setsuna started, and had finally reached her breaking point.
"I OBJECT!!! YOU LITTLE-" Only to be yanked back down by Ranma, right before a huge yellow ki bolt sailed overhead and blasted into the rear wall of the courthouse.
"You can't object. Let her finish." Ranma stated casually as the now pale and trembling Sailor Mars clutched him in shock.
Setsuna smirked. "Thank you. Anyway, it is only fair that my client, one of the very few youma to escape certain death at the Senshi's hand, be awarded the sum of 10,000,000 yen and that the Senshi be detained for an undetermined period of time until I get the chance to pay all my bills and get back to Pluto safely where I can wait for them to forget about all this."
Setsuna started to sit down, then stopped to consider something and rose again.
"They're also planning to create a single world government. That is all." Setsuna sat down, then stuck her tongue out at the Inner Senshi, all of whom were glaring at her.
Frieza yawned. "Yes, yes, that's nice. You, with the pigtail. Do want to say something?"
Ranma nodded and stood up.
"This case is an ongoing struggle. A struggle that is older than time itself. For you see, my clients have been given a power. A great power. And with it, they continue that struggle which has for so long existed, the struggle between right and wrong, good and evil, light and darkness. A struggle we all must face. And so, I say: begrudge them not their faults, and don't make them pay the scorpion lady all that money. For you see, with great power, comes great responsibility." Ranma bowed to the judge, then sat back on the bench next to the confused-looking Senshi.
"What did all that mean?" Mercury asked, frowning.
"I have no idea," Ranma whispered back, "but I think the dude with the horns found it a lot less boring than that other chick's statement."

Setsuna stood up. "I'd like to call Sailor Moon, sailor-suited champion of love and justice, to the stand your honor."
"No!" Frieza shouted, "You may not!"
Setsuna blinked. "What? Why?" Then she ducked as another beam blasted through the courtroom, annihilating another row of spectators.
"Because I will it so! Fool! You dare question me?" Frieza growled, letting his ridiculously over-powered aura flare around him.
Setsuna bigsweated a bit. "Okaaaaaay... how about if I call my client to the stand?"
Frieza snorted, and let his aura die. "Very well! Be on with it!"
Setsuna nodded, and waited until the scorpion woman was seated and sworn in.
"Now, Ms. Youma, can you tell me exactly what happened on the night of the attack?"
The youma nodded. "Yes, you see, I was just wandering around, sucking life force from the pathetic humans so that I could commit acts of unspeakable destru..." she trailed off as she noticed Setsuna shaking her head slightly.
"Er, I mean, I was collecting energy from willing donors, so that I could spend the day helping out charities and rescuing orphans from burning buildings, when all of a sudden these girls in little skirts come out of nowhere, threatening me! Naturally, I tried negotiation first, to try and defuse the situation, even offering to let them leave with their lives if they ran fast enough, but instead they attacked me! I tried to defend myself, but I was overwhelmed, and barely escaped with my life!"
Setsuna nodded, looking sympathetic. "Can you point out the ones that attacked you?"
The scorpion woman snarled, and she jabbed a pincer at the group of people sitting next to Ranma. "Yes! It was those six!" A wave of gasps sounded throughout the courtroom.
Ranma blinked. "Six?" He looked over, then turned back to the stand, "You mean my pop, too?"
The youma blinked. "Er... yeah! The fat guy was there too!" Another round of gasps echoed throughout the courtroom.
*BLAAAAM!!!* "Order in the court!" Frieza snarled, blowing another hole in the back wall of the room.
Setsuna looked up at him calmly. "No further questions, your honor."
Ranma stood up as Setsuna took her seat. "Your honor, if I may examine the witness?"
Frieza waved him on. "Yes, go ahead. But make it quick, I've got an appointment for a manicure in ten minutes."
Ranma nodded and walked up to the scorpion lady, who smiled at him.
"Now... Ms. Youma..." Ranma began, then noticed the woman's tail swaying back and forth.
"Er... something wrong?" Ranma asked.
The youma's mandibles clicked together rapidly, and she reached out with a claw that gently grazed Ranma's cheek. "You're cute."
".........................." Ranma stood shock-still for a few moments, before turning a somewhat pale green and walking back to his bench stiffly. "No further questions, your honor."

Ranma took his regular seat at the bar and gestured to the bartender, the movement automatic and almost mechanical.
Terry Bogard nodded back to Ranma, and slid a beer across the length of the bar to him.
Ranma looked to the side, and raised his glass to Ryoga, who was laying his head on the table and generally looking rather wasted.
"Hey man! How've you been?" Ranma asked cheerfully before slugging down his mug.
"Miserable," Ryoga responded in a dull monotone.
Ranma nodded conversationally. "Uh huh. Say, something happen to you? You've been here every day for the last week! Did your girlfriend leave you? Or did you get fired? You know, I know this GREAT therapist who could help you out if you ever need to talk to someone." Ranma smiled at the weary man. "Well, whaddya say? I have her number right here, and she's REALLY good! Eh? Eh? Wink wink, nudge nudge!" he chuckled and slapped his friend on the back. "She'll get you out of your funk real quick! Ha!"
Ryoga slowly turned his head to glare at Ranma. "I can't find the exit."
Ranma blinked. "Oh... never mind then." He finished off his beer, then sighed in self-satisfaction.
Terry walked up to him from behind the bar, dry-washing a glass, as all bartenders are required to do when not dispensing drinks, no matter how clean the glass already is. "I was talking to Zel earlier today. Sounds like a tough case. Think you're going to win?"
Ranma shrugged. "Eh, it could go either way. The judge is a bit whimsical, if you know what I mean."
Terry nodded, then smiled slightly. "Nice girls you working for too."
"I am NOT sleeping with all of my present clients!" Ranma thrust out automatically.
Terry blinked. "I... I didn't say anything about..." then he stopped drying the glass and set it on the counter. "ALL your clients?"
"........................ Okay, fine, so maybe I am." Ranma snatched another drink from the counter and downed it quickly.

Right at that moment, a tall man in a white spandex suit with a black mask and red cape stumbled in.
"Hey Harvey? Harvey?! Where are you buddy?"
Terry slapped his forehead and groaned. "For the LAST time Tad, this is the WRONG BAR! Three blocks down, take a right, and it's the first building that hasn't been burned to the ground by the last Zentradei assault. ALL RIGHT?!"
Space Ghost chuckled nervously, and rushed out without response.
"Damn Americans..." Ryoga mumbled into the hardwood surface of the bar.

Frieza growled and looked at his watch. "Can we find some way to wrap this up?! Tee time is in half an hour! I'm not immortal yet, you know!"
Setsuna gave the judge an annoyed glance, but kept the irritation from her voice. "Now tell me Ms. Moon. Do you, in fact, have the intention of taking over the world?"
Sailor Moon blinked. "Well, no, not really. Not 'take it over' anyway. You see, once the-"
"Answer the question! Rule the world! Yes or no?!" Setsuna shouted.
"Y-Yes!" Moon squeaked.
"Objection!" Ranma called out, having had enough. "The defendant's future goals are not in question here, and have no relevance to this case!"
Frieza flipped a coin in the air, and caught in on the way down before glancing at it. "Overruled."
Ranma cursed.
Setsuna smiled, then turned to face the spectators. "You see, I'm doing this to put things in perspective. The Senshi accuse the youma of being evil, when it is in fact they who plot world domination!" Setsuna turned back to face Sailor Moon. "So, what sets you apart from the creatures you fight, hmmm?"
"We're not evil!" Moon shouted desperately, "We want to create a peaceful society where everyone is good!"
Setsuna shook her head. "And now talk of brainwashing! What if someone doesn't WANT to be good?"
Moon stared. "Then... they're evil!"
"And does that mean they should die?" Setsuna raised her eyebrow.
Sailor Moon began to sweat as the tension built. "...... Yes?"
Setsuna grinned slightly. "Oh? Our very own judge Frieza has a rather... unhealthy reputation. Do you think he's evil?"
"YES!!!" Sailor Moon shouted, and then winced as she realized how the judge might take it. Luckily for her, Frieza was quite preoccupied with his Game Boy.
Setsuna shook her head sadly. "And what of my client? Why did you attack her?"
"She's evil!"
"'Evil'? And what makes her evil? Is she evil because she's a youma?"
"Well, yes, but-"
"And there you have it!" Setsuna shouted out to the courtroom. "More racist profiling, and vigilante actions on the sole basis of racist stereotypes! Surely it's a sad day when someone thinks she can justify capital punishment with such a flimsy basis!"
"Well, this isn't exactly going well," Ranma muttered, fondling Sailor Venus as she sat in his lap.
Setsuna turned toward Frieza. "Your honor, I think it's clear what must be done. These out-of-control vigilante monsters must be made to pay a substantial amount of money to my client! For the safety of everyone! Today it's youma, but what's next? Unruly teenagers? People who don't turn off their cell phones in movie theatres? Ugly people?" Setsuna let out a heartfelt sigh. "We must stop this madness before it goes any further." She then turned toward Frieza, and then twitched slightly as she realized he was still playing Game Boy. "Your Honor, that will be my closing statement. I have nothing more to say."
Frieza looked up for a moment. "You, with the pigtail. You want to say something?" *Beep* Beep* *Ding* *Beep*
Ranma glanced around, then gently moved a pouting Sailor Venus off of him before standing up. "On a hunch that you really don't care at all, and in the interest of saving time, I will forego my closing statement."
Frieza nodded, then turned off his Game Boy right as Hikaru Gosunkugi walked up to the Judge's podium and lifted up a cup of coffee for him to take.
"Your coffee, sir." The wiry boy said.
Frieza nodded, then took a sip before promptly spitting it out. "You fool!! I said I wanted DECAF!!! DIE!!!" *BLAMMO!!!* Gosunkugi was instantly disintegrated before the onslaught of energy, that added yet another hole to the number already dotting the courthouse.
Ranma stood up in shock. "Oh my God! You killed Hikaru!"
"................................." Everybody stared at him, until Genma yanked him down.
"Give it a rest boy, nobody cares."
Frieza snorted. "I care not for your pitiful testimony, cretins! We will determine the winner of this case in the manner of disputes on my home planet! The lawyers will both duel to the death!" Frieza grinned maniacally as approving sounds emanated from all corners of the courthouse, and then took another sip of coffee. He frowned. "Oh. Wait. This is decaf."
Ranma blinked. "Duel to the death? Look... uh, normally I'd be all for ending a case with a fight, but you see, I've got this thing about fighting girls and-"
"Dead scream."
Ranma dodged to the side, and all of the Senshi and Genma barely had time to scramble off the bench before it was devastated by a purple globe of energy.
"But then again, when you put it that way..." Ranma grinned and got into a fighting stance.
The now-transformed Setsuna chuckled. "It's useless to fight. I knew from the beginning that I would win this case."
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Oh? How?"
She snorted. "Idiot. I control the time gates. Or at least I did, if US Bank has repossessed them already. I could see the outcome of this hearing from the beginning."
Ranma smirked. "Time gates? Not bad, not bad. But that doesn't mean squat." Ranma's hand blurred, and a black object flew out in Sailor Pluto's direction.
She tried to block, but then realized it wasn't actually aimed at her.
*Crack!* There was a loud noise above her, and a fairly large black ball fell to the ground in front of her before rolling up to her feet.
Ranma laughed. "Everyone knows that the magic 8-ball is the most powerful oracle on the planet!"
Pluto simply stared at the thing, as its small window cleared itself of bubbles and blue fluids.
[Your future is fuzzy. You might want to look up.]
She did.
*CRASH!!!* Everyone in the courthouse winced as the support beam hit the floor, incidentally crushing the ancient lawyer.

Frieza nodded. "The male human wins." Blasting the scorpion woman into dust to head off any protests, he turned to Zelgadis. "Bailiff, get my clubs, would you?"
"Yes, sir..." Zelgadis sighed, preparing himself for another evening of being a caddy.

Ranma stepped onto the fallen rubble of the courthouse and struck a pose. "Once again, I have vanquished my enemies and earned myself a large sum of money at the expense of others! Victory!!"
Sailor Venus stared up at him from the base of the debris, little hearts in her eyes. "Wow! You're so cool!"
Ranma chuckled. "'Aint it the truth." Then he swooped down, and pulled her into a deep, passionate kiss, which she returned hungrily. Eventually they broke it, and Ranma scooped the princess of Venus into his arms and rushed out of the courtroom.
From their positions behind various pieces of cover, the other Senshi watched enviously as their attorney left.
*Splash* At least, they did until their attention was distracted by a giant panda appearing out of nowhere.
[To be continued?] "Growf!"

Case 1 [Closed]