A/N: The POV might be a little confusing here. The tip is you have to read this as if you are Megurine Luka herself. Don't worry, I am working on my other fics as well, I just need to get this one out. I know the pain of being completely ignored by the one you love and losing your friendship with her utterly, it is a Hell I wish to forget but never will. I hope it makes an enjoyable read!
She used to be the most cheerful girl you ever knew, with long and beautiful turquoise hair in twintails, sparkling large turquoise eyes and the most beautiful laugh you have ever heard. She used to be childish, playful and always happy, teasing her friends and being teased by them, sleeping during the Math classes she could never ever endure to the end, doodling in class and singing random songs. She used to have sweets in her bag almost all the time that she was more than happy to give away and snack on secretly in the middle of Physics. She used to walk with a skip in her step, a smile on her face, and her high-pitched and bubbly voice always brightened up everyone's day. She used to love games and sweets and behaved like a six year old if you so much as offered her a jellybean. She used to talk to anyone kindly and offer anyone a helping hand, even if they had hurt her before. She used to chat to anyone as if they were old friends, even teachers and class bitches, and they always found her ditzy and lovable and would tell her anything. She used to owe Mother Tongue homework from the last decade, happily leaving class with her sketchbook whenever she was kicked out instead of finishing her essay or trying to catch up on the twelve workbook exercises she owed.
She used to be the personification of happiness, a ray of sunlight that brightened everyone's day. She made jokes about everything and did not mind making fun of her own height, which was on the negligible side, and she protested strongly whenever people called her a "tsundere loli uke" which just goaded them on even more. She did not really mind, though, she liked seeing others smile, even at her own expense.
Now, you watch her walk by with her head lowered; she has cut her hair short, to the back of her neck. You mourn over it; you loved the long silky locks of turquoise hair she used to have. This new look, a boy's haircut, makes her look fragile and broken, exposed to the bitter winds that terrorize her small form. Her hairstyle is not the only change she made; she is no longer that happy girl you used to know. She changed her very personality, completely suppressing her sparkle and becoming a dark, foreboding void of emptiness. You cannot take your eyes off her until she turns into her class and you reluctantly walk away to go to your own, you know that change in her is entirely your fault.
The happy-go-lucky Hatsune Miku everyone loved became your friend rather suddenly; you barely knew each other one day and she was hugging you like a lover the next. It was a strange friendship, you barely talked to one another, but she would hug you and tease you as if you two were the best of friends. It embarrassed you and always made you blush when the smaller girl wrapped her arms around you and giggled cheerfully, but you realized that you did not really mind having her around like that. She was like a puppy, small and cute and annoying, but simply much too endearing to get mad at. She helped you relax yet riled you up in a different way, she was playful and cheerful and did not mind when you pulled her hair back in mock vengeance or poked her sides (the most effective form of revenge for Hatsune Miku has very sensitive sides). She just giggled and played on, never getting offended, only pretending to sometimes, and she often complained about your height for she disliked being so much shorter than you.
It was not long later that Hatsune Miku confessed to you. You could not believe your ears, she was such a popular girl among the boys that you would never believe that she of all people would love a girl. You rejected her immediately, she smiled and accepted it, but she still came on too strong for you and it scared you. She is the kind of girl who feels much stronger than others, and that made you cut and run.
She loves you deeply, that is the only reason you pushed her away in fear. For Valentine's Day, she got you a present that you rejected, she smiled and giggled it off but she had been deeply hurt. If only you had known, you might have done something for her before the first of the cuts graced her pale wrists. Who knows, if you had, you might have been able to stop that terrible change from happening. When her emotional burden overloaded her, she went to you, only daring to trust you, but her emotions scared you and you fled. When she texted you, you deleted the messages as quickly as you could, convincing yourself that no one would get hurt by your cowardice.
That was a big, fat lie indeed. Day after day she came to school smiling, but with new cuts upon her wrist every time. It became more and more obvious that she was breaking, she texted you begging for your help, but you ignored her. Her beautiful, pale white wrists became marked with frightening, ugly scars stretching across her blue veins.
"From: Hatsune Miku
Help me, please…"
Looking down at that message, short and simple and frequently received, you felt scared, and you deleted it yet again. You could have helped, but all you did was let her break, again and again, until she could take no more. She shattered, oh how she shattered. Like glass, Hatsune Miku broke into a thousand pieces at your feet, and all you did was avoid them and watch as she struggled to pick up the pieces alone, bleeding. All the while, you told yourself that she was fine, that she would be better without you. Again, they were lies.
You were afraid, you told her that and she had smiled understandingly and told you she did not blame you. She knew you were frightened of her strong feelings and she hated herself deeply for it, she longed to kill of the passionate love that burned within her for you, but she failed miserably. She came to you in her times of greatest need, and you ignored her repeatedly. The next day, she always came to school hollow-eyed, wrists covered in white plasters, and for the first few hours of the day would say not a word to anyone. It was obvious that Miku was nearing her limit, yet you still did nothing but continue to ignore her.
You started avoiding her in school, the look in her eyes when you took the long way to class so as not to bump into her or walked faster whenever you did run into her along the corridors or at school facilities was that of pure agony. She looked at you with those amazing large eyes that asked, "What did I do wrong now?", and you walked away without a second glance at her. Not only did you watch her shatter, you kicked apart all the pieces of herself she struggled to put together. For months you did that, growing closer to new friends, while she crumbled and sobbed in the dust. Whenever you two met, you would speed up and dart through the crowd, even if they were muscular, threatening gangsters, noisy strangers from other classes in your year or a crowd of rowdy juniors, you endured simply to get away from her. When she smiled at you or put an arm on your shoulder, you practically wrenched yourself free and ran through the crowd away from her. She would only look after you, crestfallen, and return home that evening to add yet another line, or lines, to her scarred wrists.
You hoped she would not notice that you were avoiding her. When it was impossible for you to flee and she hugged you, you ignored her existence completely or pulled away as quickly as you could and busy yourself with something away from her. You felt it on your back, her heartbroken gaze, but you pretended it was nothing and continued hurting her.
You put her out of mind and laughed and hung out with friends; they would point out hot guys to you and you would just laugh and look away shyly, feigning interest in those boys that your friends thought would look good with you. All you desired was to forget her, to throw her away in a corner of your mind and let her rot there, so you could continue on with your normal life.
It was extremely selfish of you, but you didn't care. You were too scared to stop and think about how she was feeling, you wanted her to disappear along with all the problems she entailed. When she wrote that heartfelt letter to you, handwritten on a piece of blue card, your favorite color, you took one look at the name signed off at the bottom of the page and you ripped it up and threw it out. You barely even scanned through the heart wrenching paragraphs; you were too scared to evoke the feelings you had for her that you tried so desperately to bury.
She walks by your class again; her eyes are focused on the floor as she cradles her Chemistry things (papers, long ruler, calculator and pencil case) in her arms, heading to the laboratory. It is inevitable for her to walk past your classroom to go to the science laboratories, and you sit right next to the window closest to the corridor, second seat from the front. You always see her when she walks by, even though you do not want to, it seems that you cannot take your eyes off her. You see your name engraved into her arm as she passes, it makes you feel even worse.
There is nothing you can do to salvage the situation, Hatsune Miku has chosen to close off her heart and kill off her emotions. Now, she is like a stone block and she speaks softly and monotonously, never revealing any facial expressions and never talking to anyone. She even stays awake in Math now, and you know how impossible that is for the old Miku. Heck, she has even caught up on her Mother Tongue homework and is getting Bs for tests when she used to get Es or Fs, she no longer draws in class and her sketchbook has dust collecting on it in a corner of her bedroom. This is completely unlike the old Miku; you know how much she loves drawing and detests Mother Tongue. However, you also know that this is not the old Miku, that girl is dead now. Who you see now is the brand new robot Miku, a girl with scars on her arms and a heart barricaded to the attempts of the outside world.
You see the girl she has become and it tears you apart inside because she was such an amazing and delicate girl before, she would have made many great, long-lasting friends and picked up numerous valuable social skills for her future career, but you killed her. Sure, she told you in her final message it was not your fault, but you cannot believe it. That final message from Miku… to you it feels like a suicide note, because after that day, Hatsune Miku completely died inside.
That message, it is the only one of her messages you did not delete. You have almost memorized it by heart now; you have read it that many times. You wonder sometimes why you bothered to read it, it is probably because the preview showed you "I give up" and you were relieved that she would finally stop chasing after you.
"From: Hatsune Miku
Luka, I give up now. I'm tired of all this, I am completely exhausted by this act that I have been putting up and I no longer have the strength to continue it. I should never have fallen for you, I ruined a beautiful friendship and I will regret that even after my death. Because of this incident, I have learned a valuable lesson, that emotions mess everything up and I am better off without them completely. I am sorry for ruining your life by stepping into it; I hope you will someday be able to forgive me.
Tomorrow, I will be a changed Miku, and I will no longer try to contact you. I will be a loner, that is what a person like me deserves. Please do not think it as your fault; it is solely mine, for I was the one who fell in love with you. You never asked for this, you are the victim here and I am very sorry for it.
I love you, but I wonder how long more I will be capable of feeling."
You regret it, running away from her, because you realize only now that you have been in love with her for a long time. Whenever you reread that message, you cry like a baby because you know you were simply afraid of what society would have thought if you confessed back to her, and this foolish fear cost the girl you love most of her life. Your fear turned her into a zombie, a robot without a heart, operating solely by intelligence and forsaking emotions completely.
Everyone was stunned by Miku's sudden transformation that day. It was a great shock, for the day before she had hair that fell to her ankles if it was let loose, and the next day she had hair like a boy's, short and uneven and barely touching the back of her slender, pale neck. The other students, some friends of hers and some merely acquaintances, thought it was a new style or something and asked Miku about it, expecting her to give an airheaded response. They were all stunned to be replied with silence and an empty, icy look from the ex-ray of sunshine. Gossip started to form and make its way around the student body, it burned high when Miku first came to school with "LUKA" carved into her lower left arm, and now it spread like wildfire again. People were saying that you dumped Miku or something; some of them were imagining large fights between you two that never happened.
They questioned you, many of her friends were angry with you for hurting her so badly, and you told them, "There was and is nothing between Hatsune-san and I." You said her name with the honorific used for strangers; you completely disregarded the brief friendship between the two of you and pretended you only knew each other by name. They were unsatisfied, unconvinced, for Miku used to excitedly talk endlessly about "Luka-chan" and how adorable you are and would hug (sometimes tackle hug) you at any given opportunity, it is not possible that there was no friendship at all between you.
You walked away from them, your heart aching in your chest, because you were more hurt than they were by her sudden transformation. It was… terrifying, to say the least, to see a girl that was full of light turn into one of monochrome darkness, you refused to believe it was true. You waited for the act to drop with baited breath, praying that it was a prank or a ploy to get your attention, but the day drew on and she did not even slip up once.
You tried to talk to her that day, all you got was a sad and broken look from her. She made it clear that there was nothing you could do for her by coldly ignoring you the way you had been ignoring her for months. You realized then that the amount of pain she had gone through must have been crippling, you felt guilty and sorry but it was too late. You knew then it was no act for the pain Miku felt was real, it had really brought her to her knees and then on her back like a wounded dog, cowering to her master.
The shock made you toss away your fear and you confessed to her then and there, she responded the way you never thought she would. Alone in that empty classroom a few minutes before school would close, you apologized and told her you loved her, hoping that things would return to normal again.
Instead, she exploded, eyes flashing with anger, "Are you freaking kidding me?! You've ignored me for months when I needed you most, and now you suddenly love me? What kind of sick joke are you trying to play? I finally find enough strength to try let you go and you come asking for me? How is that fair?!"
You understood her anger; it was acceptable considering all you had put her through. You sobbed, apologizing profusely and explaining about your fear of the society around you that condemned homosexuality, and she responded coldly, "I'm sorry, Luka, but I'm scared too. I'm scared of being shattered by you again." She said it like that, focusing on that word, "shattered". She wanted you to know how utterly you had broken her, how deeply you had wounded her.
She walked out without another word, and you two have not talked since then. You are at a complete loss of what to do, your heart aches and you long to prove to her that you really love her and will not hurt her, but she refuses to give you the chance. She is hurting, you know it well, but you refuse to give up because you want to make up to her for all the pain she has endured.
The days drew on but nothing changed, she ignored you pointedly and looked beyond you as if you were air. It pained her greatly, but the choking fear of being hurt by you again got her through the agony and kept her from bending to you, running to you like a sad puppy. She suffered; she cried herself to sleep every night due to the heartache and poured her heart and soul into studies in school to take her mind off of you. Her grades skyrocketed, and she ousted the top in class for nearly every subject in the preliminary examinations to take the first place. Her Literature essay had been a heartbreaking piece as she was to analyze a poem about a rejected girl, and she knew rejection so well that she could easily pour her everything into her essay. You read it; you got the photocopied piece off one of your friends in Miku's class. It cut you deeply to see the terrible emotions that Miku had subdued deep within her small being; you wished she would come to you like she did before, when you ignored her. You longed for a do over; you knew you would not have ignored her had you known the painful consequences it entailed.
"The person who rejected the poet said 'I want not to hurt you' out of kindness during his rejection, but it was a 'useless gesture' for nothing hurts more than the person you love not loving you back." That was what struck you most in her essay explaining what the theme of the poem was: the pain of rejection. It brought tears to your eyes as you tried to imagine the pain Miku had gone through when you pushed her away, definitely worse than your own.
You had gone to see the counselor Miku went to and all the counselor was willing to tell you was, "Hatsune Miku feels things a hundred times more intensely than anyone else", but it was enough to tell you that the petite turquoise haired girl suffered much more than you currently do. You appreciate that the counselor even told you anything about Miku, since counselors are not supposed to reveal information about their clients to others. Miku had resorted to the school counselor out of desperation for she knew you did not plan to ever answer her, though the new robot Miku ignores the counselor as much as she ignores the rest of the world.
You regret deeply hurting her, crushing her as utterly as you did. You wish you can turn back the clock and tell yourself to man up when you cringed from her due to fear, you wish you could tell your past self, "If it makes her happy, I will endure even a sin for her, for it is worth it and will always be!" However, there is no way you can reverse what has already been done.
She walks by you and your heart shatters, she walks by you and her heart shatters. You both love one another deeply, but is there a chance for redemption? Is there any chance at all of you being able to convince her you mean what you say, to convince her you really love her? Can you prove your love for her is true before she crumbles to ashes in the wind?
You do not know, honestly, and you have no idea what your odds are. However, that will not stop you. Regret is a painful thing to feel, and you want to ensure that you will never experience it again. So you will chase after her and try your best to show your sincerity, to at least regain your old, easygoing and affectionate friendship, before it all gets too much for her and she completes her suicide. There are no results just yet, but you are willing to tough it out and persevere. You are determined that someday, you will see bits of the old Miku again, and you will get to see her miraculous smile and hear her melodious laughter.
She avoids you like the plague, casts her eyes to the floor whenever you walk by, ignores your messages and calls and pretends to be deaf to your voice, but you will not give up on her. You cannot give up on her, for giving up on Hatsune Miku is like giving up on life itself. You have made your mistake, and for eternity you will regret it. You will never be able to make up for the pain you have caused her, but you are going to damn well give it your best shot.
Who cares if it is a sin in the Bible, Koran and other Holy Scriptures? Who cares if some almighty being in the sky thinks two girls making out is disgusting (seriously, who thinks that? Okay, maybe straight girls, but all guys love it, it is only natural)? You love her truly, honestly, without ulterior motives, and that makes the love you feel for her beautiful. Love is love, no matter what form it comes in, and you will never forget that. Who cares if the only way you can be happy is to sin? Don't people sin all the time? Also, who in the right mind would let something like fear of sinning stand in the way of their chance at happiness? In this life, you make a grab at happiness the moment you get the chance to, for you never know when it will ever come by again, if it does return! You know that now, you have grown wiser, but does the opportunity still present itself…?
A girl loving another girl is beautiful, no matter what they say, it will never be a sin.
If only you had known that sooner, it would have saved you the pain of regret…
Hope it made a satisfactory read! I can only wish she would love me back the way Luka does in this fic, because there is no chance of that in reality… *sigh*.
I hope there is no blasphemy in using the name of Holy Scriptures; if it offends I will try and edit it out.
Please leave a review telling me what you think about it!