I haven't seen him in two weeks. Two weeks.
If I stop going round to Ikebukuro, will our little game end?
It hurts to know that I will miss it- no, him. I thought if either of us was to get too attached it would be him. I never thought I was this… weak.
The game works this way; we hate each other. I traipse around Ikebukuro for a while until I find him, taunt him a bit, get a vending machine thrown at me, and run off.
There is no place for love in this game.
And that's exactly why I have to end it. Why I have to stop enticing violence from my Shizu-chan. If I boosted his already unfair advantage over me, I would surely die.
But right now; loving him, and knowing that it's not mutual, dying actually doesn't sound like the worst thing in the world.
And that's the problem.
He's broken the rules.
He was never supposed to come here. He was never supposed to find me.
That's not how the game works.
I guess I haven't exactly stuck to the rules either though, lately.
It's raining and I am wet, and he was never supposed to see me like this. Soaked to the bone, and leaning heavily on a back-alley wall, I am so… vulnerable.
He stops and stares, and I guess I can't blame him. He's probably never even seen me without my jacket on, and in the insistent rainfall, the black long-sleeve shirt clings pathetically to me, long since drenched.
I realise, my heart sinking, that my flick-knife is in my jacket pocket, left behind somewhere in my apartment.
Is this how I die?
"Aren't you going to hit me?" I can't even keep the disappointment out of my voice. He's just watching me calmly from the other end of the alley, and that's not how the game works.
"I've been thinking." He finally states.
"Really? That must be hard work for you." I throw a half-hearted insult at him to try and turn this the way it usually goes. I want him to leave, and I want him to leave fast. I cannot under any circumstances let him see through me.
"I've been thinking," he says again, letting the slight pass. "And I've decided that I'm not going to kill you."
And then he's moving towards me, and my mind is a mess because I can't form anything coherent in my mind, and all I'm thinking about is how good Shizu-chan looks when he's wet, and how much closer he's getting, and I don't know anything except-
This. Is not. How the game works.
I feel his arms encircle me, and it's surprising how gently he holds me – but I can't let this happen, and I push him off.
"Shizu-chan, I don't know what you're doing but I have to go home. I have work to do."
I try to sidestep him - it's the sudden violence and force with which he sweeps the air out of my lungs and pins me against the wall compared to the intensity of his eyes that glow - for once - not with hatred, that makes me realise.
We've both broken so many rules of this game; it's not worth trying to save it.
"Look here Izaya," he growls. "I came all the way here to tell you something, and you will listen."
We don't speak for a moment, and the sound of rain, and me raggedly regaining my breath fills our ears. I notice the way the rain runs in rivulets down the exposed skin of his collarbone, and catches in his eyelashes.
Then all of a sudden he pulls me close, crushing my arms to my sides and burying his face in my shoulder. I blink; surprised at the action, and stunned by the proximity.
"Where were you?" he breathes into my shoulder, and I can hear so much hurt and so much worry in those three words.
I let him hold me like that for a while in silence, and rest my head on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," I whisper eventually.
He grips my shoulders and pushes me back, looking straight into my eyes.
"I haven't seen you for two whole fucking weeks!" he yells. It was never like Shizu-chan to control his temper.
I want to yell back. I want to tell him that I have no obligation to him. I want to make him even angrier (although by now that might just be a bad habit), but I stop when I see the tears.
"Do you know how many people actually come and talk to me?" He demands angrily, the tears stopping for a moment.
"Do you know how many people run when they see me?"
I keep quiet because fresh tears are flowing down his face again, and I can't look him in the eye. I can't.
He rests his head on my chest now.
"Do you know how lonely it gets?" This time his voice is small. He's no longer angry. He just sounds broken.
"Shizu-chan I…" I what?
He straightens and looks at me again.
"Izaya, you're one of the few that still comes near me… and I… I don't want to hurt you."
I don't know how to answer that, so instead, I stand on my tiptoes, place a hand on his cheek and softly press my lips to his. It takes a few moments for his mind to process what I have done – that I have just kissed him.
Then before I know it, he's kissing me, and it's nowhere near as chaste as how I did it. He nearly knocks me off my feet with the force with which he leans forward and joins our lips, consequentially making me loop my arms around his neck to stay upright. With one arm around my lower back and one around my shoulders, he crushes me flush against him.
I feel his tongue push its way into my mouth without warning. We teeter dangerously, tilting over in my direction, until Shizu-chan stumbles a few steps to press my back against the wall, as my hands tangle in his hair. His hand around my lower back has slipped under my shirt.
One of Shizu-chan's legs slips in between mine as he presses me harder against the wall. I don't think there's any way for us to be closer without snapping a few of my ribs, which is entirely possible at this point in time, and its years' worth of kissing crammed into one.
We break apart. Breath falls short, eyes glaze over in lust. My hands skid down his torso and rest on the too-warm expanse of his ribcage. I notice the generous dusting of a pink blush on his cheeks, and feel how my own face has heated up.
"So what did you come here to tell me?" I try to keep my voice in check but it shakes nonetheless.
I can see how Shizu-chan's brain has to catch up with him slightly, and he pauses to catch his breath.
He bends down to whisper right into my ear; "I love you."
"I love you too." I can't stop the smile from spreading over my face like an idiot.