Pericolo! Morte! Rinnovata!
Introduction of our Cast and Story
"A tale is about to unfold... a tale of glory, revenge, betrayal, love, hope, and most of all..."
The Spy paused with his feather pen, looking over the fancy cursive writing on the introduction page. For a moment it sounded like a brilliant introduction... until he realized it would never EVER work in context with the events he was about to describe.
"Rubbish." Corky, Red Team's elite spy, crumpled up the paper and started on a new pad. The sounds of vaccuums and other cleaning appliances could be heard, muted, through his room's walls. "Nobody will read this tripe, it's far too cliche! Hum... I need a different angle... I've got it! I'll think like an idiot!"
Brain shifted down several dozen IQ points, he started again:
Two years of sitting around and doing absolutely nothing, on a broken, out of date server leaves an author like me wondering where all the time went. So many missed chances to bash people, make lame jokes, and confuse the readers... what have I done! Without skipping another beat, let me introduce the story before you:
Pericolo! Morte! Rinnovata! (That is, translated literally from Italian, Danger! Death! Renewed!) tells the adventures of the Red Team in their Fortress, ever fighting against the Bloos in a private server far away. Spectators may watch the events unfold, but never meddle in the gameplay; this almost seems like some sick experiment, but I am probably digging far too deeply.
It steps up and over the previous tales, which are a nostalgic, funny read, but are not required to foray into this new set of stories. Nay, a complete newb may pick this up and enjoy, for I will introduce everyone important myself. Behold, the cast roll! -
Redd McGree - The innovative Engineer. Married to his lovely wife Betty, he maintains his own farming business while also inventing on the side. Further duties include giving out advice, repairing everything, and occasionally hosting the odd hoedown in the Red base. Contrary to popular belief, he is not the reason the team is named Red, and he wasn't named for the team either. It's just a strange coincidence, one of which he can spend hours talking about the metaphorical meaning of. It's best not to ask.
'Corky' Riviera - The spy by any other name. Dressed to the ninesies, speaking French, and constantly smoking, he's proud of his ability to out-think nearly anyone on either team. But this man holds a deep secret, and apparently some kind of attachment to the team Soldier... what could be hidden under that pinstripe suit? Also, appropriately, the author of these tales...
Hevy Heavy - We're not really sure WHAT his name is, but he signs it in all capital letters as 'HEVY'. He is the towering Heavy Weapons Guy with a marshmallow core, who believes he runs the team and he's likely right since nobody would want to argue with his fists. He has an obsession with things he finds 'tiny' and loves his doctor more than anyone else on the team. Occasionally his mother visits and bosses the team around. A swell guy in general, but has the brains of a cabbage.
Derek Turmoil - The hot-headed Soldier who is fond of prattling on, and seems to believe he's stuck in the Great Weasel War of the 1990's... whatever that happens to be. He's stricken with the delusion he's the commander of the group and doles out orders and battle plans that rarely are followed through, and also secretly maintains a group of highly-trained War Kittens in the Red base's basement. The only person who can talk him out of his wild ideas is Corky, for whatever reason.
Greg Johnson - Paranoid, caffiene-addicted Scout. He used to deliver pizza, until he ran headfirst into a taxi cab. He was 'enrolled' by his family into Red Team as they mistakeningly believe it to be some kind of baseball camp - now he's the abuse sponge. Everytime he says 'Bonk', a penguin is hit by a four-wheeler... and we have scientific proof of it! His respawn time is annoyingly fast...
Fluffy Carhill - The bad-tempered Demoman, who is usually referred to as Big C. His name IS really Fluffy, but of course if he's drunk he'll take it as an insult... like he'll take most anything you tell him. If he's not drunk, he's often crying, and if he is drunk, he's usually weeping. Infamously, he hates potatoes, and continously lets everyone know about it. Sometimes he gets lonely and searches for love in the wrong places.
Pyro - Well, his name is self-explainatory: He's the team Pyro! But what is his real name? What language does he speak? Nobody can understand under that thick mask of his, and he refuses to ever leave his hazmat suit. He posseses the whimsy fantasy of a child, but is in fact married to Mrs. Fyra Pyro, and has two children, Junior and Pyrette. He's a bit troublemaking but his heart is in the right place.
Dr. Rolf Katzenstrand - Herr Doktor if you please! A man of medicine and an incredible amount of paitence, he spends his time patching up the rest of the team and occasionally administering vaccines, or doing unnecessary surgeries to ease boredom. Because of Hevy's adoration and penchant for getting hurt, he's often following the hulking brute around with medigun at full throttle. But sometimes his patience is broken and his rather... loud delusional side comes through with needles.
Brent Foray - The Sniper from Down Undah. Living his life at a fairly calm pace, he claims to have been raised in the wild by a family of pygmy Marmosets. Generally he isolates himself in a loft-type room with access to the outdoors, where he sits and waits for someone to wander by. He's never fired a shot and missed... though sometimes he hits an unintended target. His hobbies: Complaining about everyone else and dispense criticisms. He's single, ladies!
That Voice - Unlike most servers that now acknowledge a physical entity as The Announcer, because of a modification to the server, The Voice is the all-seeing non-physical controller of the world. However it can somewhat interact with its enviroment, and enjoys bossing the Red Team around. Known to be related to Overwatch and GLaDOS... but does IT take orders itself? Likely not.
The Bloo Team is the opposing force in every map the server rotates to. They're too unimportant to us to list, and while we're not sure WHY we're killing them, we're off killing them every day. They keep coming back and usually make life harder, unless a special event is thrown and peace is declared... temporarily.
And More! Can you say cameos? Yes, because a few do exist here and there. The most common would be a young test subject who frequently has her chances for freedom rudely interrupted by the Red Team... who else could be waiting out there? There's no way to know for certain!
A more mature audience, that is those comfortable with sarcasm, tongue-in-cheek humor, and adult language, would be advised for this story. But with anything on the interwebs, some little kiddie will find this, read this, then complain to their mother. If this does in fact come to pass, the author has no responsibility for the fact you don't know how to watch your own children, and you may want to make sure they're not also favoriting porn sites. Just a hint.
So with that, may I, Corky Riviera, announce the official re-opening of the Pericolo! Morte! server, now with updates and sparkles!
"That will appease the masses." Corky nodded firmly, letting the ink on the paper dry before feeding it into a fax machine and sending it away, to mysteriously appear in print far away in the land of terrible fanfictions. The spy rose and stepped out of his office, calling the others to attention. "After we are done cleaning this place up, we will officially reopen to spectators, and celebrate the grand new opening of our server!"
Everyone on the team paused and cheered loudly, offering up comments like 'Very good!' and 'Will there be cake?'. But before they could celebrate, they had to finish cleaning that six feet of dust that had collected over the years. So off they went, scrubbing and vaccuuming like angry Norse gods.