"Mr. Potter how do you plead?" Fudge asked. I could see the smirk on his face. That bastard had me backed into a corner and knew it. First Dumb-as-a-door told everyone not to talk to me. Then the bird watchers forced him to stay inside all summer. The one time I was able to get out, I was attacked. That is what has led to being here today. Well, time for brave noble Potter to go away. This calls for a slimy snake.
"Guilty!" I yelled. I held my head high as members of the Wizengamot gasped. They had not expected that. As I watched them, they all seemed confused by why they were here in the first place. A full trial for something this simple didn't seem right. The best face was on old Fudge. He went from cocky smirk to WTF in microseconds. It was time to up the ante. "I understand the maximum penalty is 30 days in Azkaban, correct."
"Correct, Mr. Potter." Amelia Bones finally answered. Looks like Fudge didn't know where this was going. Wizards and witches were all mumbling. This was not the direction anyone expected. I could tell Fudge just wanted to get me out of Hogwarts and remove me as a political obstacle.
"One prison is as good as another. I accept my punishment." I said with a clear voice. I held my head high as I walked toward the nearest guard. I even held out my arms so he could shackle me. It took everything in my power not to burst out laughing as the guard looked from me to the Fudge and Bones.
"Mr. Potter. The court hasn't reached that decision." Bones called out. This caused more talk. They were whispering anymore. Fudge was turning a bit pale.
"Under the old laws, a prisoner is allowed to ask for maximum punishment. I am currently locked away. So nothing will change for me. Please bang your little hammer and let's get this kangaroo court over with, shall we?" I again turned to the guard. He looked even more confused. This was starting to get fun. Fudge was now talking with that toad lady. Who wears that much pink to a court trial?
"I don't understand why you would want this, but it is your decision. This court finds you guilty of all charges. You are charged with 30 days in Azkaban. Your wand will be snapped. Your current enrollment in Hogwarts is hereby suspended." Bones ordered. I could tell she wasn't happy about it, but she always followed the law. I could also tell she really wanted to ask more questions about what prison I had been staying in all summer. "Do you have any last words before you sentence is carried out?"
I pulled two pieces of my wand out of my pocket. Even the harshest guard dislikes breaking someone's wand. "You were too late on snapping my wand. My Uncle did that weeks ago. As for Hogwarts, I don't go to school anymore. It is far too dangerous." That seemed to shock a few people. Haven't they heard about anything that has happened in the past couple of years? I guess not. "My last thing is to notify the Minister of Magic that all agreements with the my family are here by cancelled by actions against the House of Potter, Slytherin, Gaunt, Black, Gryffindor, Whitmore, Lincoln and Barton. SO MOTE IT BE!" Even without a wand in my hand, the flash of magic was clear to everyone. My aura even glowed for a moment. Looks like I might be more powerful than they knew.
"What do you mean by that?" Someone asked from the back of the judges.
Another judge stood up. He was over two hundred at least. His beard had that look of never knowing why they invented the modern safety razor. "You fools! Don't you know?" From the looks on their faces, that would be a no.
"Clearly, we don't. Why don't you enlighten us, Sir Remington?" Bones asked.
Fudge and the pink toad were talking again. They must have some kind of charm up. Cause he seems to be yelling, but I can't hear him.
"Can we go now?" I asked the guard. Another older guard finally decided to move in. He didn't slap on the cuffs. He just grabbed my sleeve and pulled.
I could hear that old knight errand telling the other old farts off. Seems they didn't know who I was after all. You would think that someone would have looked up my family line after writing all those books about me. Then again, I had no clue until I went to the Office of Family Affairs a few weeks ago. Plus they probably wouldn't have found the links to Slytherin or Gaunt. If only I had stayed afterward, instead of trying to get home before they noticed I had escaped. I would have enjoyed an evening of decent food, plus my wonderful relatives would have enjoyed a visit from a couple dementors.
The trip to prison wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Granted, these prison robes weren't made to be comfy. Who uses this much wool to make clothes? At least, I had tons of experience wearing clothes that are too big for me. The guards were shocked when I stripped. I don't think that young one had ever seen that many scars on someone before. Then again, he thought of me as some kind of hero of legend. Sorry to burst your bubble, but I'm just an orphan from an abused home.
Whoever invented port keys should have a swift kick to the family jewels. Normal port keys were bad enough. These high security ones are a whole new level of horrible. Normally, you feel like you are spinning around and around. This one felt like I was being slammed from one corner to the next. At least, the walls were padded. Well, not walls. But you get the idea. So after giving everyone a show and then bouncing around, I was finally at the docks to my own personal hell.
"I was thinking it would be spookier." I said. The two guards didn't even crack a smile. We were standing on a fishing pier. There were muggles all over the place. All of them were just fishermen. No security anywhere I could see. Then again, no one seemed to be walking near us or even looking in our direction. Sometimes you have to love magic.
"Shut it, prison Un Tir 187." One guard spoke. He clearly was not a happy man. I have to wonder if he did prisoner transport all the time. I still wonder why the magical folks have to be different. I can't just have a number. Nope. I have to two runes then a number. I had never taken runes, so I didn't know the weird N and broken antenna were un and tir. I just knew they were my new name. Yeah. I am just a number, no longer the famous wizard. Funny, I had to get sent to prison to understand what this feeling feels like. Why did I want this again?
They guided me to a fishing boat. It looked just like all the other fishing boats around. Well, it looked a little older. They had probably been using this boat since the 1950s. That was almost modern to most of the stuff I have seen wizards use.
"Watch your step." The younger guard said. At least, he seemed to be nice. I didn't think he would let me go. But I did ask for it. He saw and heard me do it.
Magic. That was the answer. As soon as my feet hit the deck, the boat morphed into an older wooden ship. It wasn't huge, but it was still pretty good sized. Then again, what do I know? This could be a mini battle ship for all I knew. The illusion was new. This termite haven was from the 1700s at best.
"Prisoner for transport." The old grumpy spoke to the captain. Aren't all ship bosses captain? Another old man, just how many old men were running around in the wizardry world? He wore one of those pea coats with a white cap. He even had a peg leg. It was like something from a bad movie. He was even complete with the white beard and pipe. I wonder if he would say ARRGG, me matey.
"Just one?" Cap said. How disappointing. He had a London accent. Amazing how just two words can let you know where someone is from. But then again, I'm bored. This wasn't nearly as exciting as I thought it was going to be.
"Yeah. Just the one. Can we go now?" Grumpy really needed a nap. Maybe someone had forgotten to give him his bottle. So now would be a good time for them to take me over to that little jail cell on the deck. Yep, this was going to be boring. Only they didn't. They took me up on to the front of the boat. I got to watch them drive the boat out of the bay. Or was it sail the ship? Whatever.
"Potter." Grumpy said. He looked like he really did need to go to the bathroom or head or whatever they call it here. "Why?"
"Why what?" I asked back. I know you aren't supposed to answer a question with a question, but I didn't know what he was talking about. A lot had happened in the past few hours.
"Why did you request Azkaban?" Oh that. Well, I guess he did have a point. Not many folks actually ask to be taken here.
"You want the honest truth or a just a good lie?" I asked. I didn't mean for it to be as cheeky as it came out. But it had to be asked. I can tell from his glare, he didn't find any humor in it. "I guess you want the truth. Well, sorry. I don't know you. So if you don't mind, I am going to enjoy the trip. I have never seen the ocean before, so this is a real treat to me." I'm not sure what he didn't like about that. It was simple and truthful. He did walk away mumbling about abuse and crazy kids.
It was neat. The magic in the boat/ship/giant raft just sliced though the waves. I thought little boats rocked more in the ocean. Not this one, it just powered right along. The guards didn't seem to worry about me jumping off or trying to escape. No one had cuffed me yet. From the looks of this boat, prisoners were normally shackled to those iron rings. I wonder what the sun looks like when it hits the horizon. I bet it is beautiful. Too bad it was almost noon.
In the distance, I got my first look at the infamous prison of Azkaban. Another let down in my opinion. I had this scary old stone fortress sitting on a rock in the middle of water. Instead, it looked a lot like an island. There were a couple building by the pier. Nothing that looked like the stories I had heard.
"That doesn't look so scary." I told the young guard. I should ask his name. But I really didn't care enough to ask.
"That is the isle of Azkaban. The prison is on the north side. But I wouldn't worry too much about that." He replied. Why shouldn't I worry? I really wanted to ask, when I noticed something in the water. It looked like a giant shark. Then I noticed more of them. Seven fins broke the water. I can see rivets in the metal of their flesh. These weren't live sharks. They were metal constructs. This was another protection around the island.
"I see you noticed the new golems." The guard pointed out. "After Black escaped, they had them created. 24/7 they swim the waters around here. You fall in; they will rip you to pieces." He looked absolutely glowing when he talked about those metal monsters.
"Right." I managed to say. He actually laughed.
"I'm just playing. They just shallow you whole. Then the guards can retrieve you without anyone getting hurt." I really didn't like his humor. Then again, we were talking about something over twenty feet long with lots of teeth.
The rest of the trip was more of the same. Nothing really to talk about. We got off the floating log that I want to call a frigate. We walked up an old road past some building from medieval times. There were some more guards around. I thought I would have seen a dementor by now. Aren't they the only guards of Azkaban? I know I read that somewhere. I wanted to ask, but grumpy was walking kind of quick. I think he had somewhere he really wanted to be and here wasn't it. I noticed he seemed to smirk whenever he glanced at me. He knew something I didn't. I have a bad feeling about this. Well, duh. I volunteered to a month of fun and excitement with dementors. What was my plan again?
Finally, I can see the great prison of Azkaban. This was more like it, a huge fortress on a hill. It even had a moat. I wonder what was in it. I still hadn't seen a dementor. Not that I was looking forward to it, but this was Azkaban. Scary monsters were supposed to be here. The brochure said so.
They took me to what I can only imagine to be the Wardens office. After all, the words Warden's office was written on the door. I had to look around. This was one of those one in a lifetime opportunities. At least, I would really like it to be the only time I get taken to prison. Sitting behind an old desk was yet another old man. His beard was more gray than red. Also, he should know that your hair is parted on top and not the side of your head. But I guess you had to have hair on top of your head to avoid the comb over effect.
"Jones, what are you doing back here?" So grumpy does have a name. Jones doesn't really fit him. McGrumpy pants would be more fitting. Also, the warden had a Scottish accent that no amount of speech therapy could hide.
"Prisoner transport." Jones replied. "Cailean Mór Caimbeul of House Campbell, may I present Harry James Potter, Tri-wizard champion, the boy-who-lived and most importantly Lord of Mull." He even did that weird salute thing the greeter does when introducing the Queen.
"Shawn, that isn't funny." Colin glared. (Cailean is Scottish for Colin. You can trust that because it is from Wikipedia where I stole the name.) "You know full well, that Lord Potter would never been sent here. Now who is it?" The warden finally got a good long look at me. I helped him out by moving my hair away from my scar. I would attempt to laugh as the old guy tried to stand while sitting under a desk without moving his chair back first. It looked like a controlled fall back into his chair. He even managed to throw his arms in the air.
"Lord of Mull?" I asked. I knew I had a couple titles, but that one was new to me.
"Sir Colin was born and raised under the shadow of Ban More on the isle of Mull. There is a small wizard community there. Not much to speak of really." The younger guard said. Jones handed Campbell a folder. I didn't see him carrying it. Must have had it up his sleeve. Again, magic is cool. The warden flipped it open and started to read while trying to stare at me. Neat trick. I swear one eye was on me and the other was reading.
"You plead guilty and wanted to come here? What in all the name of Merlin's undershorts made you do that?" Colin asked. Merlin's undershorts kind threw me off for a moment. Not the mental imagine ever want in my head. Because that lead me to other power wizards like Dumb-doors. Think of all the bright and just plain weird robes the man wore. Now picture his boxers. See it threw you off subject too. Is there such thing as mental floss? I need some STAT!
"30 days of freedom, sir." I finally said. From the look on the warden's face, that wasn't the right answer. I will admit I was surprised at the others reaction or maybe lack of reaction.
"You do know how prison works, right?" Colin asked. "Most folks would not consider that freedom. All right. Have a seat and tell me what in Morgana saggy tits is going on here." I do say this guy is starting to warm up to me. If for nothing else, I like how he curses. I have a seat. After all, once in a lifetime opportunity. I even stop to say a quick prayer about the once thing. That makes the second time today.
"What you would you like to know?" I figure there isn't any good reason to be snippy. After all, he has a lot to say on how I spend my next few weeks. That's when it hits me. The almighty headmaster didn't even show up at my trial. I guess he thought that no communication was for him too. I wonder what him and his minions' think of what is going on. Campbell speaking broke that line of thought.
"It says right here, you asked to be sent here. The transcript even mentions you picking this prison over your current one. My lord, I control the prison system in the UK. I know you have not or have never been in my prison." He even poked the page with my words on it. He must read really fast.
"The headmaster had me locked away in the muggles world. So you wouldn't have known about it." When in doubt, go with the truth. Even if that truth isn't quite correct from all points of view, but it was from mine.
I am not sure where the cup of tea came from, but I sure could use a cup. Over the next few hours, I told them everything. I'm not sure what else was in that cup, but it wasn't just Earl Grey. I'm not sure what was they found most shocking. You can take your pick from the forced slavery of a small child doing all that labor, the beatings, lack of food, my cupboard, or well a thousand other things. They even objected to my fleeing Hogwarts. Then again, they couldn't say much to my having to fight a troll, basilisk, dementor, dragons and even having to kill a teacher. I just had too many examples of how Hogwarts wasn't safe anymore.
The last thing the old warden asked me was if I knew what a trustee did. That is how I ended up here. I am sure the Gods are crazy. Only I could volunteer to go to prison and end up doing paperwork. That's right. I can't even be normal in prison.