Author's notes: Hey y'all! Remember that series I'm writing with the super intense title? CASHMBHGIF (Come And See How My Brain Has Gone Insane Forever)? Yeah, well, here's the fourth one! It's 9 pages and just over 4,000 words (so much for making it longer than the others XD) long according to Word.
Also hey I definitely suggest reading them in order, partly for big things but mostly just for little things. There are going to be 10, but this is just the 4th, and I already have all of the titles and everything! The one before this was Sharks and Shakes, and the one after this is Moonpies and Movie Stars. I'm working on M&M now, but who knows when it will be done. I have so many other things that I'm writing… *sighs* the life of a writer.
Anyway. Enjoy! :)
PS the birthday in this was May 14th, but the story starts on the 17th. So now its only been 19 days since our last adventure :)
PPS I apologize if this one seems more serious than the three before it. The two other stories that I've been writing lately are really serious and stuff so it probably rubbed off a bit. Whoops!
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this story are mine unless I say otherwise. Yup.
Summary: Loki/Tony. No. 4/10 in the CASHMBHGIF series. "Tony thought carting Loki around everywhere was bad enough, but agreeing to take everybody else was definitely a FAR worse idea than any of the ones before. It's a good thing Tony can break the rules every once in a while, or Loki would be very bored indeed." COMPLETE.
Pairings: (Main) Tony/Loki; (Others) Clint/Natasha, Thor/Jane, platonic Steve/Clint, platonic Thor/Natasha
Warning: m/m pairing; smut; strong language
Hot Dogs and Hot Rods
Tony sighs, looking out of the window of his private jet. He's on his way to California, presently, because it was Loki's earth birthday three days ago (they all decided to celebrate it in May, for whatever reason) and he's insisted on going to Disneyland/California Adventure with Tony and everybody else (being Steve, Bruce, Natasha, Clint, and even Thor).
Loki is sitting with his head resting against Tony's shoulder, but he lifts it up to look at him. "Love?" he asks tiredly. "Are you alright?"
Tony smiles, looking over at him. "I can't believe you can't actually fly."
Loki rolls his eyes. "That's what I have you for."
He chuckles. "You could have at least teleported all of us there."
"I told you, I'm only strong enough to carry more than two people—not including luggage—and I couldn't pop back and forth to get all of us because it would drain too much energy to get everyone and their things."
"Right, right, I forgot."
"You have to be patient, love." Loki kisses his cheek and goes back to leaning against his shoulder.
They almost brought Pepper and Happy with them, but they both have work, and they even almost invited Fury, but then decided that they'd like to live a while longer instead. The seven who are going, though, are absolutely pumped. Loki escaped from Asgard one month after his assault on earth, and it was four months before he came to Tony, and two months after that that their relationship went "public". Three weeks later was when Fury agreed to trust him ("trust"; it was also Hill's birthday), two weeks later was the trip to the aquarium, and it's been another month since that. Not even a year since the battle against the Chitauri… How surreal.
"Heyuh, Tone," Clint says, sitting down across from them. "Whatchyuh thinkin' about?"
Tony purses his lips. "Have you ever wanted kids?"
Clint's eyes widen, Loki sits up and stares at him, and all of Natasha, Steve, and Bruce (not Thor because he's asleep) are instantly all sitting around him. "What do you mean?" Clint asks.
Tony wrinkles his nose up, looking around at everyone. "Good lord, guys, just because I ask if Clint wants kids doesn't mean that I do."
"Shame," Loki says quietly. "I have four of them."
Everyone shifts their attention to the god. Tony can't even find the strength to open his mouth, so Bruce does it for him: "You have kids?"
He nods, a very big smile on his face. "I visit them very often. They're the most wonderful things that I've ever…" He waves his hands around, looking for a word. "Created, in a sense."
Tony feels like he's going to explode. Loki has kids? Tony's boyfriend has four kids and he's never mentioned them? Why has he never mentioned them? Did he know that Tony wouldn't want to raise them? Tony doesn't want to raise them. He can't raise kids, they'll fall apart! His father didn't raise him well and look at him! He's a mess! Shit, shit, shit, Tony is going to pass out. He can't believe that—
"What are their names?" Steve asks.
Loki smiles. "Sleipnir, Fenrir, Jörmungandr, and Fenrir.
Natasha cocks an eyebrow. "What are they like?" she asks.
Loki gives a happy sigh. "Sleipnir is very shy, but he loves to run." He sighs. "It's a shame I had to give him to Odin. My adopted father is not exactly light."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Steve says, holding his hands up. "You gave your son to your adopted dad?"
Loki frowns. "You don't have to rub it in. I had to."
Bruce holds a finger up. "What does your son look like, Loki?"
Loki shrugs. "Gray hair, black eyes, and a gray coat. Why?"
Clint narrows his eyes in confusion. "What does having a gray coat have to do with how he looks?"
Loki frowns. "Is his fur not an important color? His father was gray as well."
"WHAT SPECIES IS YOUR SON?!" Steve asks very loudly.
Loki cowers against Tony's shoulder a little. "Calm down, Rogers, he's just a horse!"
They all fall silent again.
Tony is finally the one to speak: "Your son is a horse?"
Loki nods, smiling at him. "He has eight very fast legs."
"Okay, hold up," Clint says, holding both hands up. "You said his father had a gray coat. Does that…you were the mom? You gave birth to an eight-legged horse?"
The magician nods again. "The pregnancy was long and tedious."
"I'm out!" Steve says, scrambling off.
"Right behind you," Bruce mutters.
Natasha rolls her eyes. "Well, I'd like to know about the other three. Are any of them girls?"
Loki nods, leaning back against Tony's shoulder. His arm automatically moves to wrap around Loki's shoulders, but he's still feeling like he's in shock. He doesn't even notice until now that Loki is massaging his hands while he speaks.
"Hela is…well, part female. She's half-corpse."
Clint wrinkles his nose up. "Um…why?"
Loki shrugs. "I didn't fuck a zombie, if that's what you're asking. It was a woman named Angerboda. She is dead, now."
"What did she look like?"
Loki rolls his eyes. "Normal, but she was a witch, as I am a magician. The combination of magic is what created them as such—except for Sleipnir. He was my own doing. I can't remember why I decided to do it…" He taps his chin. "No matter. Odin forced Hela into Niffleheim, but she escaped into Hel, where she then chose her name. She rules it, now."
"Wait, what's Niffleheim?" Natasha asks.
"The realm of the dishonored dead. Valhalla is where the honored go, and Hel is the home to those neither honored nor dishonored."
Clint purses his lips. "Okay, so…you have an eight-legged horse as a son and a daughter that's half corpse and rules the underworld?"
Loki nods. "And Fenrir is a giant wolf and Jörmungandr is a giant serpent."
Natasha sighs, crossing her arms. "Tony, I swear to god, if you don't say something…"
Tony presses his lips into a thin line. "I'm sure your kids are lovely," he says.
Loki actually laughs. "You don't have to raise them, Tony. You don't even have to meet them. Sleipnir, the youngest, is over five-hundred years old. They didn't need two parents before and they're not going to need one now."
Tony licks his lips. "Should I smile and kiss you or just nod?"
Loki rolls his eyes. "You can apologize for your extended silence when we get to the hotel."
Tony grins. "My favorite kind of apologies."
"I think I'll go join Steve and Bruce," Clint mutters, climbing away.
Natasha chuckles. "Do you want any more kids, Lo'?"
He cringes. "No, never. Four is hard enough to handle—especially my four. Do you have any idea what it's like to breast feed a horse?"
At that, all of Steve, Bruce, and Clint, from the other side of the plane, simultaneously yell: "SHUT UP!"
Tony didn't unpack; he just opened his suitcase and set it down. Loki didn't even have a suitcase since he just likes to snap his fingers to steal Tony's clothes. He was in a t-shirt, sweats, and Converse on the plane (it's still so odd to see him look so normal; Loki Laufeyson, Mr. Regal, who likes to wear suits and leather and flowing green capes and ugly helmets that make him look like a goat), but now…well, now he's not in much at all.
Tony's apologizing, so it's his job to make Loki feel good. Loki is the dominant one in the relationship—Tony hates to admit it, but dammit, even with the way he squeals over sharks and pulls birthday pranks, Loki is far more powerful and controlling (not in a bad way, of course) than Tony ever was—and that's even more obvious during sex, but every once in a while…
Tony pushes his length in slowly, having stretched Loki thoroughly beforehand. Tony kisses softly at his chest, wishing he could be just a little taller to reach his boyfriend's neck and mouth more comfortably. He can reach, it's just a bit of a stretch.
Loki lets out soft little whimpers as Tony strokes in and out of him, dragging his nails lightly up and down his back. "Tony, I—ahh."
Tony smiles up at him. "Yeah?"
He breathes a moan, pushing his fingers into Tony's hair. "Reach for me."
Tony does, kissing him deeply on the mouth as he rocks his hips.
"Okay," Loki breathes, his hands caressing the sides of Tony's face. "You win. I forgive you."
Tony grins, continuing to move. "Does that mean I should stop?"
Loki growls slightly. "Don't even think about it."
Tony kisses down Loki's neck and to a nipple, nibbling and sucking at them both until Loki is brought to release. Tony comes hard after, pulling out to settle on top of him, kissing lightly over anywhere his lips can reach.
"You need to shrink, babe," Tony says with a chuckle.
Loki gives an affectionate eye roll. "Or you need to grow."
"Hey now, no making fun of my height. I am adorable."
Loki smiles. "Mmm, yeah." He kisses him, rolling them both until they've got the blankets over them.
"What are we doing first?" Tony asks. It's late now, so everyone is off in their hotel rooms. Natasha with Clint, Steve rooming with Thor, and Bruce with a room to himself. "Remember, we're here for five days, with a three-day pass into the theme parks."
Loki sighs in thought. "We should explore tomorrow. And the pool."
Tony smiles up at him. "I'll take you through the whole shebang, yeah? Breakfast in the morning, then back here for the pool, and… Well, eventually we'll end up in Downtown Disney." Tony's face lights up. "Loki! Build-A-Bear! We can all get Build-A-Bear's!"
Loki wrinkles his nose up. "A what?"
Tony grins, snuggling tight against him. "You'll see. And the Rainforest Café for dinner! Gah, I love you."
Loki gives an exasperated sound. "Yeah, okay, I love you too. Go the fuck to sleep."
Tony simply giggles.
"Loki, wow," Clint says as they and the others are all down at the pool after breakfast (fuck waiting an hour to swim after eating). "I've never seen you with your shirt off before. You're really toned."
Loki looks up at him over his sunglasses from where he's sunbathing on a pool chair. "Thanks," he says dryly.
Tony rolls his eyes from the chair beside him. "Stop ogling my boyfriend, Clint," he says.
Clint wrinkles his nose up. "I was not ogling, I was—"
"Yes you were," Natasha says, walking down the stairs and into the water of the pool. "It's okay, though. I was, too. Come play mermaids with Thor and I."
"Mermaid?" Thor asks. "I am a merman!" he booms.
Tony snorts, picking up his book on thermonuclear war. Bruce is already sleeping on his chair, so Loki will use his magic to levitate him over so he doesn't burn his back off. Steve is very boring and is doing pool laps. Yes, Tony is in a Speedo, but only because he wants better tan lines. He fucking hates the way shots leave marks just below or above his knees. They've all actually got the same four bodyguards that came with Tony and Loki to the Aquarium, plus three others, and this way each one is assigned to one members of the Avenger's—not that Loki or Thor are actually members, but they probably should be by now since they both help out so often.
The bodyguards are somewhat useless at the pool right now, because only one old couple is down here, and they probably don't even know who the seven of them are. Technically the team as a whole isn't even that famous way out in California since its New York that they saved. Tony is famous anywhere, though, and Loki automatically is as well since they're dating. The media's portrayal of who's important sure is weird.
Tony doesn't even know how long they're all down there, but it's long enough for Steve to get a sunburn, Bruce to ditch to his room, Clint and Thor to have a hot dog eating contest until Clint throws up in the hot tub, and Loki to freeze the pool over so they can have sliding contests. The pool boys definitely don't like them, no matter who Tony and Loki are.
The seven of them (including the seven bodyguards a ways off to glare at people) are now heading towards the Build-A-Bear Workshop in Downtown Disney, with reservations for the Rainforest Café in two hours. Loki is giving Tony a piggyback ride, Steve is giving one to Clint, Natasha is up on Thor's shoulders, and Bruce is looking very proud of himself for walking through all these people.
"Where are we going again?" Steve asks, looking around at the bright world that is Downtown Disney. Clint has to keep steering him back on track so he doesn't get lost.
"TO BUILD A BEAR!" Thor booms.
Natasha shushes him sternly.
Tony chuckles. "Yes, to build a bear. It's somewhere…around…there!"
Tony has never had so much hectic fun. He thought bringing everybody would get them all killed, but it's going rather well so far.
In the end, Tony finds that he's gotten a horse and named him Bucephalus, after the stallion of Alexander the Great, even though it's the wrong color, and Loki gets the Colorful Stars Bear and names her Eira (which apparently means "snow" in Norse). Bruce's Lil' Almond Cub is named after Back to the Future's Dr. Emmett Brown, and Steve's Camo Bear gets named after Bucky (poor guy…Tony should find him a girlfriend). Clint's Paperback Pup (Tony has never once seen Clint as a dog person) is named Goliath, Natasha's Cheerful Monkey (which is only her type of animal because it climbs all over things) is named Trixie, and Thor's Giraffe is named Thane (it's a mash-up of his and Jane's name since it's a gift to her; the blonde was very excited about it… "IT IS A SPOTTED STEED!" he had boomed).
Thor spent all his time staring at the aquarium in the Rainforest Café unless he was eating, and Loki actually jumped a couple of times at the fake lightning—which Tony and Steve found hilarious.
"Guess what?" Loki says as he and Tony are turning the TV off from under the bed covers. They just watched a whole bunch of it, so now it's about eleven-thirty.
"What?" Tony asks, snuggling into his arms.
"No, no, you have to guess."
Tony groans. "Uh, you love me?"
"Aw, no fair! You got it on the first guess!"
Tony smirks up at him. "I love you too, Lo'."
Tony has to make sure no one brings their Build-A-Bear's since they'll end up on some water rides, and Natasha is the only one who knows they'll get a little wet since she's the only one who's actually been here before—and even then it was only for a mission.
"Do you think we should split up?" she asks.
Tony looks around at their seven. "Maybe later. Hey, everyone, listen up!" When he has the attention of the other five he continues: "We're gonna stick together, okay? No running off unless you check in with me—and I say me because I'm funding this. Also, to Thor and Loki—but mostly Thor—these are rides. Nothing in these are alive, so no jumping out to rescue anyone, okay? A lot of these are also based after movies, so don't be surprised if you recognize a character. It's May, so it's not quite summer, but it is warm out, so you have to assume that there will be long lines. There are always long lines. We just had breakfast, so no snacks for a few hours, and…" He frowns. "I want to say we should all choose a partner, but we have an odd number of people."
"A group of three, maybe?" Natasha asks. "Clint and I can take Thor to keep him calmed down, and Steve and Bruce can join together since they're the quietest. I assume you and Loki will be together."
Tony nods. "A splendid idea."
And they're off, going through the park gates with their group of seven bodyguards. Tony takes them straight to the train that goes around the park, dominating most of one car so they can get to the New Orleans Square station.
"Tony," Steve says, looking down at the map he grabbed. "There's no way we're going to get through all of these rides."
"That's why we have two days, Cap. The third day is for California Adventure. Come on, the Indiana Jones ride is this way."
By about one in the afternoon, everyone is absolutely starved, so they all walk around to find a sellers cart.
"Ooh, there's one," Loki says. "Who wants hot dogs?" He skips off before they answer.
Tony rolls his eyes. Never in his life did he picture Loki skipping, nor that he'd be dating someone who skips.
"I do!" Clint yells, starting to go after him.
"Clint, no!" Steve hisses, grabbing the back of his t-shirt and holding him back. "No more for you!"
Clint pouts out his bottom lip. "Fine."
By the end of the day, Thor (who was in normal clothes and forced by Steve to leave his hammer in the hotel room) has gotten a picture with every character they run into, Natasha got kicked out of the Tarzan Tree House in for swinging around on everything, Clint got lost in the Pirate Lair on Tom Sawyer's Island, Bruce threw up after the Star Tours ride because of motion sickness, Loki tried talking to the Bloody Mary anyway in the Haunted Mansion ("Mary, by the Allfather, did you change your hair again?" He sure has weird friends), Steve has declared his favorite ride as Splash Mountain because it reminds him of diving off airplanes, and the only reason that Tony is not bored to death is because he gets to see the happy faces of all his friends.
By the end of the second day, though… Thor broke a "gun" in the Buzz Lightyear ride, Natasha figured out how to buy a Cinderella dress that fit her and wore it around all day, Clint refused to leave the Alice in Wonderland ride until he had stood in the half an hour long line five fucking times, Bruce fell asleep on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, Loki brought a carousel animal to life (not for very long, of course; Tony told him to fix it pretty fast) and flew off with one of the Autopia cards (also not for long for the same reason), and Tony… Well, Tony has a headache that feels like a hangover and a craving for chocolate.
"I feel like a pregnant woman," he mutters as he and Loki wait outside of the Small World ride (Tony already knew he hated it, but Loki figured it out about ten minutes ago; everybody else wanted to go on again, though, for whatever reasons).
Loki snorts. "Tony, I've been pregnant, and you are nothing like a pregnant woman."
Tony frowns. "Why didn't you ever tell me about them? We said 'I love you' over two months ago and you never told me that you have four kids?"
Loki sighs. "I never thought it was important to tell you."
"Not important? Tony almost yells. "Of course it's—"
Loki puts a finger to his lips. "Obviously it was. I'm sorry, Tony. Even gods can make mistakes."
Tony sighs and kisses his cheek. "It's okay, Lo'. Just don't tell Fury."
Loki laughs, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "We get to go to California Adventure tomorrow, right?"
Tony nods, tracing his finger in random patterns over the jeans on Loki's thigh. "This park doesn't close for another couple hours. Is there anything you want to go on again?"
He nods. "The Thunder Railway and Auto—"
He gives a good natured eye roll. "Fine, fine, we'll go on the Haunted Mansion again."
Tony breathes a laugh. "You do know that she's not real, right?"
He sighs. "I know, I know, I just want to see her again."
"Can't you just say her name in front of a mirror three times?"
The magician gives an eye roll that is in no way good natured. "No."
Tony chuckles. "Sorry."
"Good lord, Loki!" Tony yells as he rams into a stranger in Tuck and Roll's Drive 'Em Buggies in the Bugs Life part of the park.
"What?" Loki protests, not looking over at him as he winks at the teenage girls. They giggle, but Tony's not sure if it's because of whom Tony and Loki are or if it's just because Loki is attractive. "It's bumper cars. Cars that bump! I'm doing what I'm supposed to!"
"It's usually proper bumper car etiquette to only bump in to people you know."
Loki smirks down at him. "I'd love to bump you later."
All annoyance in Tony's body floods out at the bedroom eyes that Loki is giving him, and he smirks. "Fine, hit whoever you want. You owe me an apology."
He chuckles, looking away. "I can't wait."
By the end of day three, Tony is exhausted to the bones, but Loki has convinced him to go on the Tower of Terror one last time with everybody but Bruce, who's too tired to hardly even breathe, and Natasha, who's keeping him company down on the ground while they wait for the others.
Up at the top, doors open to the scenery of the park. Tony loves that part. He loves looking out at things from high places. He loves—
Tony knows what teleporting feels like. It's a squeezing sensation. So he knows when it happens, and it definitely just happened.
Tony is out of his seat and instead sitting on the edge of the opening, Loki holding his hand beside him.
"Tony!" Steve yells. "Tony, you can't—" But he cuts off when they all fall.
"Quick," Loki says as the doors star to close. They disappear again, this time up on the very top roof.
"Shit, Lo'!" Tony hisses. "You can't do that!"
Loki grins. "We're at the highest point in both parks, Tony. Kiss me."
Tony does, because who cares what rules they're breaking? Tony breaks rules all the time, and it's the very best thing.
References: "I'm out!" Steve says, scrambling off.
"Right behind you," Bruce mutters.
What they say is totally said by Simba and Timone in the Lion King 1 1/2 :P
Ending notes: Okay, so for some tiny bits of explanation because a friend of mine was confused (this friend does not exist but it made more sense than being confused by my own fic okay). The "hot dogs" are the contest that Clint and Thor have, plus when Steve has to hold Clint back from having anymore on day one of Disneyland. The "hot rods" are both the car that Loki flew away in Autopia, and also the bumper cars in A Bug's World on day three. Just…making sure you caught it? I'm sorry I'm trying to be nice and I'm not sure if it's working or if I'm just annoying whoops.
Right, anyway! That's the end of that! The next one shall be Moonpies and Movie Stars, in which Loki and Tony see lots of movies and meets a few people. Thanks for reading! Reviews are always welcome.