WARNING: Modern AU, yelling, and Shakespeare. You've been warned.
"Thou subtle, perjur'd, false, disloyal man!"
"How dare thee?! Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee!"
"Go, thou, and fill another room in hell!"
"You scullion! You rampallian! You fustiliarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!"
Gwaine walked up next to Arthur, beer in hand, with a look of disbelief on his face. With an inclination of his head, he raised an eyebrow and asked an unspoken question.
Arthur scrunched his nose. "Nerd fight."
"Which type of nerd fight?"
"The worst type; Shakespeare."
Gwaine rolled his eyes. "Don't they know Shakespeare died, like, a million years ago?"
Arthur scowled at the other room as Merlin's voice rang out with another sixteenth century comeback. "I tried telling them that once."
"I got cursed out in Shakespearean and was told he was only on hiatus."
"They really believe that?"
Arthur snorted. "What do you think?"
"You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's-tongue, you bull's-pizzle, you stock-fish – O for breath to utter what is like thee! You-" Leon started from the other room.
"Peace, ye fat guts!" Merlin cut in.
"Oh, you did not just go there!" They heard him say in modern English. "Thou art the daughter and heir of a mongrel bitc – biscuit!"
Gwaine smirked. Everyone knew not to insult Merlin's mother.
"Thou art as loathsome as a toad!"
"Thine face is not worthy of sunburning!"
"Get thee to a nunnery!"
There was a pause, then….
"Did you just call me a slut?!" an inhuman voice shrieked, high-pitched enough to break glass. Gwaine and Arthur cringed.
"What, blushing still? Have you not done talking yet?"
"I – I am not bound to please thee with my answers," Leon said, with a quaver in his voice. He wasn't a slut, or anything of the sort. It was just that the mention of anything sexual made him blush like mad for hours, like some sort of ten year old who had just had the "Talk."
Gwaine looked at Arthur, and his eyes darted to the doorway of the other room. "Should we go break up this geek-fight before Merlin pulls more innuendoes on poor Leon?"
Arthur shook his head. You learn this lesson once; never ever break up a geek war.
"Your abilities are too infant-like for doing much alone," Merlin jeered back, obviously having the upper hand.
"Away – away, you three inch fool!"
"You, minion, are too saucy."
"Saucy?!" Leon shrieked. "Saucy?!"
Arthur winced at high-pitch squeaks coming from the other room. Leon should really know by now that "saucy" and "sexy" meant two different things completely, and that "sexy" wasn't even all that vulgar.
They could hear the smugness in her voice. "Yes, sir, as well as you dare patronage, the envious barking of your saucy tongue against my lord the Duke of Somerset."
Silence followed. Arthur and Gwaine simultaneously looked at each other.
"What?" they heard Leon ask.
"You heard what I said."
"But that doesn't make sense! It had nothing to do with what we were talking about!"
"It doesn't make sense! I didn't insult the Duke of Somerset at all –"
"It was my lord the Duke of Somerset," Merlin chimed.
"Alright, I didn't insult your lord but I – know what? Screw this," Leon said, resigned. "I see Queen Mab hath been with you. She is the fairies' midwife, no bigger than –"
"Peace, peace, Mercutio, peace! Thou talk'st of nothing!"
They heard Leon sigh heavily, as if this was going to be a pain. "What, drawn and talk of peace? I hate the word; as I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee. Have at thee, coward!"
The fight started up again.
"Make it stooooooooooooooooop!"
"THY TONGUE OUT OUT VENOMS ALL THE WORMS OF THE NILE!"
"THY SIN'S NOT ACCIDENTAL, BUT A TRADE!"
"THOU ART AS FAT AS BUTTER!"
"THOU CRUSTY BATCH OF NATURE!"
Gwaine banged his head down on the table, as Arthur tried using kitchen towels to clog his ears.
Three hours. Three hours. This fight had been going on for three hours. Merlin had been relentless in it, throwing out some profanities that made even Gwaine cringe, and he wasn't on the receiving end of them. Poor Leon, who's pride prevented him from giving in, had racked his brain, and probably quoted half of Macbeth at Merlin. At first, it had been funny, but that was before they started yelling.
"I'D SET MY TEN COMMANDMENTS IN YOUR FACE!"
"I WAS SEARCHING FOR A FOOL WHEN I FOUND YOU!"
"BETTER A WITTY FOOL THAN A FOOLISH WIT!"
Gwaine hit his head more violently this time. Seriously, he would be muttering the Saint Crispin's Day Speech to himself for days afterwards.
The thing about Shakespeare was that it got stuck in your head like a song, and it rhyming didn't really help with the matter. Just several lines from A Midsummer's Night Dream could drive you insane, especially if you didn't know what line came after them.
Then the next thing you know, you go and look up the line stuck in your head and end up reading the whole page, then the whole scene, and then the whole act. After a while, you realize you've read the whole play. Then you become addicted, and read more Shakespeare and it actually starts to make sense. Once that happens, you can never go back.
After that, you end up being like Merlin and Leon….
"THOU SMELL OF MOUTAIN GOAT!"
"I DO DESIRE WE BECOME BETTER STRANGERS!"
Gwaine decided he hated Shakespeare.
The back door that led to the kitchen opened, and in walked Elyan and Percival, arms laden with plastic bags from the supermarket. Unceremoniously, they dropped them in shock when they heard the screaming from the other room, but by hearing the sixteenth century jargon being tossed around, they probably guessed what the verbal quarrel was about.
"Shakespeare fight?" Elyan asked.
"It's been going on for three hours," Arthur groaned, still trying to stuff kitchen towels in his ears to block out the noise.
"Make. It. Stop," Gwaine rhetorically requested.
Elyan and Percival looked at each other. "Have they covered R and J quotes yet?"
"R and J?"
"Romeo and Juliet," Elyan clarified.
"Um…." Gwaine winced as Merlin's biting voice rang out through the house. "I don't think so."
Percival smirked, which was a little unusual, and nodded at Elyan. They (bravely) walked into the other room.
Arthur gave Gwaine a terrified look on behalf of their friends, and Gwaine returned it. Would they be considered cowards if they didn't want to watch the outcome of Operation Break Up Shakespeare Fight?
"THOU – Oh, hi Elyan, hi Percy – POSOINOUS BUNCH-BACK'D TOAD!"
"GO PRICK THY FACE, AND OVER-RED Thy…." Merlin's suddenly grew quiet and her talking ceased. A very loud thud followed that.
"Holy hell – is he alright?!"
"I dunno, he just collapsed, Merlin!"
"This is no time for sarcasm, thou cream faced loon!"
At the word "collapsed," Gwaine's head popped up and Arthur removed the towels from his ears. (Which he may or may not have done because the yelling had stopped.) They shared a look before walking cautiously into the other room.
Peeking around the door frame, they both blanched and rushed fully inside.
Elyan was sprawled on the floor, unmoving, with Merlin on her knees, poking his face with a panicked expression.
Suddenly, Elyan's eyes flashed open. "I am hurt! A plague o' both your houses! I am sped. Is he gone, and hath nothing?"
Without missing a beat, Percival stepped forward. "What, art thou hurt?"
"Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch," Elyan replied, clutching his chest like he was actually was hurt. Merlin's and Leon's eyes widened.
"Marry, tis enough. Where is my page?" Elyan looked at Gwaine. "Go, villain, fetch a servant!"
Gwaine stayed rooted to his spot, not really understanding what was happening.
"Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much," Percival said, raising an eyebrow.
Elyan took a breath, and clutched his chest again in mock-pain. "No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve: ask for me to-morrow, and you shall find me a grave man."
Merlin visibly sucked in a breath.
"I am peppered, I warrant, for this world. A plague o' both your houses!" Elyan exclaimed. "'Zounds, a dog, a rat, a mouse, a cat, to scratch a man to death! A braggart, a rogue, a villain, that fights by the book of arithmetic! Why the devil came you between us? I was hurt under your arm."
Percival gave him an apologetic look. "I thought it all for the best."
Elyan took a shuddering breath. "Help me into some house, Benvolio or I shall faint. A plague on both your houses!"
Percival bent down a grabbed Elyan from under the arms.
"They have made worms meat of me! I have it, and soundly too: your houses!" Elyan cried as Percival dragged him back into the kitchen. "A plague on both your houses!"
Merlin looked like she was ready to burst into tears, and Leon pretty much the same. Gwaine, however, had a blank look on his face, having understood none of it. He shot a glance at Arthur.
"That was…." The blonde mumbled, pretending not to be wiping away a tear. "…Wow…."
In the other room, Elyan and Percival smirked at each other.
"And that," Elyan said, "is how you break up a Shakespeare fight."
A/N: Else the Puck a liar call; So, good night onto you all; Give me your hands if we be friends; And Robin shall restore amends!
I'm baaaaaaack! I am so incredibly sorry for the wait on this (and for another Modern AU, you must be getting sick of those...) but I have a really good excuse this time! I do!
My excuse: I realized I had a life, and I had to take care of it. I didn't want to, but I did.
Anyways, I'd like to thank you all for reviewing/favoriting/following. You all make me smile so much, I love you all, and I hope Puck from A Midsummer's Night Dream leaves gifts for you under all the flowers like he does on Shakespeare Day for all the good little children of the world.
Also, about Elyan's and Percival's little scene, it was Mercutio's death scene from Romeo and Juliet Act III Scene I. Percival played both Romeo's and Benvolio's role, and Elyan played Mercutio. At the end, when Elyan is being dragged out and he says "A plague on both your houses!" for the last time, that wasn't really in the play; Mercutio just ends with "And soundly too: your houses!"
Mercutio's death scene always make me cry, because he's probably the best character in the whole play. (Besides Benvolio, who I think I would be in the play. XD) (And he would get along fabulously with Puck from A Midsummer's Night Dream!) I suggest you go read Romeo and Juliet now just for Mercutio.
Oh, and Disclaimer: All these insults belong to a Mr. William Shakespeare.
See ya next time!