Nick Knight: I am Detective Nick Knight, and I'm the protagonist of the Forever Knight television series.

Edward Cullen: My name is Edward Cullen, and I'm the male lead of the Twilight book series.

Nick Knight: The story of which I am a part is named after me because it focuses on my struggles throughout the 800 years of my life. I've been learning how to deal with the bloodlust raging inside of me and I focus on helping to make the world a better place, while hoping to free my soul of the curse of vampirism.

Edward Cullen: The story of which I am a part is named after the time of day, because my writer thought it sounded vaguely atmospheric without really connecting to the story in any meaningful way. I drank human blood as an act of rebellion against my creator who is a proponent of the vegetarian vampire lifestyle.

Nick Knight: You call yourselves vegetarians?

Edward Cullen: Because we drink animal blood.

Nick Knight: Then your family must be touched in the head. Choosing to refrain from committing cold-blooded murder and choosing to eat only fruits and veggies are not the same thing.

Edward Cullen: Then what would you call it?

Nick Knight: I call it drinking a little cow blood instead of killing people. I don't understand how you Cullens can be proud of not taking human lives.

Edward Cullen: It's a lifestyle choice! For some of our kind, the transition to animal blood is difficult and sometimes even impossible!

Nick Knight: I've got news for you, Eddie. The things worth doing don't come easily. You've got to work for them.

Edward Cullen: ...

Nick Knight: And it's not... *mockingly* "a lifestyle choice." It's choosing to murder or choosing not to. You don't get a cookie for simply refraining from committing evil. You're only a good person if you do good. And speaking of doing things, what do you do with your life?

Edward Cullen: Mostly I watch Bella while she sleeps.

Nick Knight: ...

Edward Cullen: And I mope. And scrapbook. Knit sweaters. And play piano.

Nick Knight: You call that bilge I heard in the first Twilight movie playing piano?

Edward Cullen: *pissy look*

Nick Knight: Kid, I was a student of the Master Ludwig Van Beethoven himself. I played the tunes he wrote while he was losing his hearing so he could feel the music he'd written. Just because you can plunk out "Chopsticks" doesn't make you a musician.

Edward Cullen: How dare you! You... you...

Nick Knight: *smirking* "You... you..." what?

Edward Cullen: *snarls*

Nick Knight: *chuckling* I thought so. But let me guess, you plunked out a tune to seduce your human girlfriend Bella. So, let's talk about love.

Edward Cullen: No love is greater than the love I have for Bella! I watch over her to make sure she's safe from all harm and, when I believed her dead, I chose to provoke the Volturi rather than live without her!

Nick Knight: That was when you sparkled at high noon, right?

Edward Cullen: *glowering*

Nick Knight: Look, I'm all for the course of true love, and I understand not wanting to go on when you believe you've lost your loved one. But how does an unremarkable high school girl who shows no interest in anything, other than staring at you longingly, manage to capture the attention of a man nearly a century her senior?

Edward Cullen: She is the mother of my child! She stymied the Volturi from attacking our family!

Nick Knight: By hiding behind her mindshield of love, right? I had such a self-sacrificing day once; I stayed in bed.

Edward Cullen: ...

Nick Knight: Also, hasn't she done nothing but hide behind you ever since you met her?

Edward Cullen: But she is the love of my whole existence! I must protect her!

Nick Knight: Right. Now that we know your girlfriend is an impotent sap who hides behind her Big Strong Man until the bad things go away, allow me to tell you about the love of my 800 years: Dr. Natalie Lambert. She became Chief M.E. of Toronto by the age of 30, is using her medical knowledge to help me find a cure for vampirism, and has repeatedly given me the information I've needed to track down human murderers and bring them to justice. She actually saved THE ENTIRE VAMPIRE RACE from a disease that nearly ripped our community to shreds, and has several times already plucked me from the jaws of death. Also, she's stood up to my maker, LaCroix, a guy who no human ever wants to meet in a dark alley.

Edward Cullen: *pouting* It is a man's place to protect a woman. And human women are so fragile, they constantly need to be monitored for their own safety.

Nick Knight: I protect Natalie and she protects me, because we're a team. She's my partner, my other half, not a parasite or an infant. And don't call Natalie "weak"... unless, of course, you have a death wish. She's very handy with sharp and/or blunt objects.

Edward Cullen: She's not very feminine then.

Nick Knight: *snort* Oh, she is very female. She's more woman than a limp-wristed glitterface like you could ever handle. I like fiesty women. On Halloween, we dressed up as Thor and Lady Sif, and Nat filled out her plate armor quite nicely. She's even got the wild hair of a warrior queen to complete the look.

Edward Cullen: Halloween costumes? Surely, you must be joking.

Nick Knight: It's the only day of the year where I get to forget about the entire vampire community looking down their noses at me for helping people rather than eating them, and worrying that my associations with humans puts the ones I care most about in danger. It's the Repentant Vampire's Christmas. Surely, you and the rest of the Cullens have had to have dealt with judgment from the vampire community? Oh wait, I forgot. The Volturi don't actually do anything, other than pose menacingly. The people in charge of keeping the secret of vampires' existence in my world are very ruthless and very thorough. I had to teach Natalie to protect herself, because there is always the possibility that I may not be able to reach her in time.

Edward Cullen: You're doing her a disservice by keeping her human.

Nick Knight: You're joking, right? Didn't you spend three books fretting about how Bella would lose her soul? Well, there's a very real possibility the Natalie I love could be destroyed by the conversion process. I converted her brother some years back, and he went from a quiet unassuming man who fights for the underdog to a ruthless monster who didn't care about anything other than his hunger. I destroyed her brother by bringing him over, and the same thing would happen to Natalie.

Edward Cullen: It's not so hard to not eat people. Carlisle has been the guiding force in my family, teaching us all to refrain from killing. But we do slip sometimes, but it's not a big deal.

Nick Knight: *coldly* What.

Edward Cullen: *blinks* Why is that such a surprise to you? We are superior in every way to humans. Not killing them is a kindness.

Nick Knight: *horror-stricken* My God. You are not my kith or kin. You are everything I have come to despise!

Edward Cullen: Why?

Nick Knight: Because humans are not inferior to us; they are superior. Humans have built the wonders of the world around us, while our kind has never done anything but sit back and declare themselves gods! That Volvo you drive has been designed from the ground up by human hands and minds. The schools you sit in every day are their houses dedicated to learning. You call yourself their betters, but they are better than you because they're always learning and always trying harder. And yes, they screw up sometimes, but by God, they give it their damnedest. While you sit back and smugly bask in your own greatness, there are people losing sleep trying to solve the world's problems. Those insignificant humans who, sometimes, have nothing more to give except an extra pair of hands are willing to give till it hurts, and then some.

Edward Cullen: ...

Nick Knight: *icily* We're done here. Now kindly remove yourself from this room, before I arm myself with the flamethrower I liberated from a killer who also believed himself the judge of who deserves to live and die. Because I'm thinking of barbecuing myself a sparklepire.

Edward Cullen: I thought you cherished life.

Nick Knight: I do cherish innocent lives. But I don't take kindly to monsters. Take care, Edward Cullen. And pray that you never see me again.