I Still Believe In You

James/M

She sat at home staring at the computer screen and the words James had asked "Is there anything else you want to tell me" before he had left for Hong Kong had kept ringing in her ear. There were so many things she had wanted to tell him. How angry she had been with herself for telling Eve to take the bloody shot, at James for not letting her know sooner that he hadn't died and making her suffer 3 gruelling months believeing she had lost her best Agent and the only man she truelly cared about. He'd been gone a week and M had sank further and further into depression over the stolen hard-drive and she had come to realise that perhaps Mallory had been right and that perhaps retirement was the best thing for everyone. Too many people were dying because of her and although she never let them know it, deep down it was tearing her apart. There were days when all she wanted to do was break down and cry, cry for the people who had died because of her. The possibility was that she was going to die too, Silva had made that pretty clear to her. She wasn't ready to die, not yet. She knew she wasn't young but there was still plenty of life in her.

She got up and walked through to the kitchen to get herself another bottle of wine. She brought it back to the couch and poured the cool liquid into the wine glass on the table

"Don't you think you've had enough."

She jumped when she heard the voice and looked up to see James standing at the bottom of her stairway.

"How the hell did you get in here." She said, quietly. Not really surprised to see him there.

"Bedroom window wasn't locked. Given the current circumstances, you should know better." He said, dryly.

"What does it even matter now anyway."

He watched as she continued to top up her glass, he could see her hand shaking and the look of worry on her face. He walked over and took a seat beside her.

"Make yourself comfortable, do." She said, with a hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"M what the hell are you doing."

"What does is look like."

"Well if I didn't know any better I'd say you were giving up."

"Well there you are then."

He watched her as she picked up her glass and took another gulp of wine. He couldn't understand why she was doing this to herself, letting the likes of Silva win, this wasn't who she was. As she took another drink and another, James got angry. Silva was turning her into a shadow of her former self and he wasn't going to stand for it. He grabbed the glass out of her hand and threw it against the wall, causing a look of panic, mixed with anger from M.

"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing." M asked, angrily.

"Saving you from yourself."

He grabbed the bottle and marched through to the kitchen and poured the remainer of the bottle down the sink and continued to do the same with the other two that were sitting on her counter top. She made a move to grab the bottle from his hand but her pushed her away. She tried a second time and the bottle smashed in the sink, James stepped back, and pushed her back against the wall, his hands frimly gripping her wrists so she couldn't move.

"GET THE HELL OFF ME THIS INSTANT BOND."

"NO."

"YES."

"NO, GOD DAMN IT LOOK AT YOU. DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THAT THIS IS HELPING, GETTING DRUNK."

"IT MAKES ME FORGET ALRIGHT."

"NO IT'S NOT ALRIGHT, YOU CAN'T DO THIS."

"WELL WHAT THE HELL DOES IT MATTER ANYWAY, I'M AS GOOD AS DEAD."

He stepped back, his hands still holding on tightly to her and he had no intention of removing them. He looked into her eyes, the tears appearing. Never in the whole time he'd known her had he seen her cry or look as frightened as she did.

"Is that it, you've already decided your own fate." He said, a little softer this time.

"He's good at what he does. I taught him, just like I taught you."

"Yes but he became greedy, he turned on MI6, on you. I haven't and I won't. You can't give up and just decided that you're going to die, I won't let you."

"Why?"

"Mallory asked me why I came back, why not stay dead."

"For Queen and Country, I know." She sniffed.

"Not just for them but for you too."

"What.."

"I was so bloody angry at you for telling Eve to take that shot and the reason I pretended to be dead was purely because I wanted to make you suffer for it."

"I see."

"When I saw MI6 destroyed on the news and the exact location of where that bomb had gone off, I've never been so bloody scared in my entire life. The idea that I could lose you, you're the only one who's never left me and I sure as hell don't intend to let that happen now and neither should you."

"I've never been so scared of anything in my life James. I know I shouldn't be like this but I can't help it. My Children have had to go into hiding for their own protection, yet another reason for them to hate me. Their Mother can't even do her bloody right, I created a monster in Tiago."

"No you didn't, he made his own choices. You are not responsible for his actions."

"James I don't want to die."

He watched the strongest woman he knew fall to her knees, tears falling from her eyes and he went down with her, pulling her into his arms. Holding onto her as tightly as he could, never wanting to let her go.

"I'm so sorry James."

"Don't be, this isn't your fault. I'm going to do everything humanly possible to keep you safe. I won't let him kill you."

She looked up into his eyes and he smiled as he looked back at her, wiping the tears from her face.

"James I'm sorry I told Eve to take the shot."

"You're already forgiven." He smiled, softly.

She leaned up to kiss him on the cheek but he realised what she was about to do and moved to put his lips on hers instead. She moaned softly into his mouth as her arms went around his neck, his hands now firmly on her waist pulling her closer to him so that she was half sitting on his lap.

"M, he will not win this one. We will find him and when we do, we'll kill him. I still believe in you and I love you, you know that right."

"I do now."

She smiled lovingly at him as he she kissed him again, knowing that now she had enough of a reason to live.

-end