(Ms. Defoe is waiting to interview Jodie Landon backstage. The crowd boos immediately when they see her. Landon is wearing a pink top with gray tights, and of course the LFC Women's World Title belt.)
Defoe: "Jodie, tonight you make your first major defense of the Women's Title against Jane Lane. Any thoughts before you go into this matchup?"
Jodie: "Talking didn't win this title for me. And it won't help me keep it, either. I'm sick of talking about something that goes without saying. I'm the champion, I earned it fair and square, and this title is a part of me. It doesn't matter who the challenger is—they can't match the effort I will put in. I defend this belt not just with my body, but with my life. And that's what someone else will have to give to take it away. Now leave me alone."
(She stalks away.)
O'Neill: "Well, technically an exposed turnbuckle helped win the belt for her, but…"
Barch: "Who's keeping score?"
O'Neill: "Quinn Morgendorffer, the former champion, for one. She would love to get that belt back from Jodie, but she's got other things to worry about now."
Barch: "Yeah, like making it through the night. I hear she's still trying to find a different partner!"
O'Neill: "It's so sad. Daria and Quinn are both amazing competitors, but they have refused to work with each other throughout their careers. They learned nearly opposite wrestling styles, and they have not been in a proper tag team match yet. The last time was their outing against Tori and Tiffany-"
Barch: "Where Quinn was LATE, I might add."
O'Neill: "Yes, and they were barely in the ring at the same time. And the week before that, in their six-woman tag with Jane against Jodie Landon and the Dames of Darkness..."
Barch: "Same deal there. Play it!"
(Footage of that match is replayed, where Daria and Quinn refuse to even tag each other, using Jane as a go-between. Daria conspicuously fails to make a save when Quinn is hit with Eternal Dame-nation for a three-count. Jane was busy brawling with Jodie outside.)
Barch: "Daria was the one who screwed up that time! I don't care if you don't get along with your sister, you never hang your tag partner out to dry."
O'Neill: "And every LFC fan is wondering, will the same thing happen tonight? Or can these two possibly function?"
Barch: "As much as it pains me to say it, NO. They could be great together, but God forbid, that would mean letting go of their damned sibling rivalry. Women have to stick together to survive in this world, especially sisters! And they'll never be complete performers if they don't come to grips with that. I've told them and told them, but they never listen to me. Just…like…HIM!"
O'Neill: "Well. Speaking of survival, ladies and gentlemen…oh my gosh, I'm so scared. It's time for the Unsportsmanlike Conduct match…"
Barch: "Buck up skinny. It's about time those Neanderthals settled this once and for all."
**A video package plays, showing the continued feud between the Bro /QB Connection and the Three J's even after Da Nice Guyz won the Men's Tag Team championship. The J's bragged about having a secret weapon on their side, and last week they revealed it: Moe, the embittered interim quarterback of the Lawndale Lions when Kevin was injured, attacked him and Mack out of nowhere and tore apart much of the ring area in the process. He's crazy, uncontrollable and seemingly unstoppable…and the best outcome for Bro/QB and the Guyz may not be victory, but making it out of the arena alive!**
UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT MATCH
The Bro & QB Connection (Michael 'Mack' Mackenzie & Kevin Thompson) and Da Nice Guyz (Robert Korleski & Ted DeWitt-Clinton) vs. The Three J's (Joey Black, Jeffy Gray & Jamie White) and 'Mad' Moe Norton
(Survivor's 'Eye of the Tiger' plays, and right away excitement is at a fever pitch as the current Lawndale Lions QB enters with Brittany Taylor at his side!)
O'Neill: "Oh my! It looks like Brittany has taken Quinn's advice!"
Barch: "Damn skippy! We needed a woman in this match. She may not have been my first choice, but this goof needs all the moral support he can get."
(The QB and cheerleader discuss strategy in the ring [if a brief lip-lock counts as such] and 'Stronger' by Kanye West announces the arrival of his partner, fullback 'Mack' Mackenzie. He wears a black singlet—very professional, as opposed to Kevin's baffling decision to wrestle in his football uniform.)
O'Neill: "Mack is a star on the rise in LFC! He put forth a tremendous effort at Esteemsters Series and almost won the Men's World Championship from Tom Sloane."
Barch: "I guess if I have to watch males out here, he's one of my first choices."
(The Connection slaps hands, and soon they are joined by their partners in this eight-man tag. 'Why Can't We Be Friends' by War plays to a pretty good reception.)
Barch: "Tim, do me a favor and kill me now."
O'Neill: "Now, Janet, really. They're perfectly talented wrestlers. They wouldn't be the Men's Tag Team champions otherwise."
Barch: "And I thought the J's were annoying champions."
(Ted and Robert wear matching blue and silver tights. They take a while to high-five everyone at ringside, but finally they make it to the ring so the REALLY bad music can start. 'Hangin Tough' by New Kids on the Block makes DeMartino and much of the arena cringe as Joey, Jeffy and Jamie strut down the ramp in tank tops and gym shorts.)
O'Neill: "Here are the Three J's, and they seem especially confident tonight."
Barch: "With that caveman on their side, I can't blame 'em!"
O'Neill: "I should remind everybody that this is not for the faint of heart. There will be no disqualifications in this match; no count-outs, foreign objects are legal, and Nick Campbell is only here to count the fall."
Barch: "But the fall still has to happen in the ring, skinny. If there's anything left of it."
(The big moment arrives. 'Psycho' by Puddle of Mudd plays and all eyes are on the entrance. The chorus builds and the camera pans inside the mall, where a huge man in street clothes explodes out of The Sports Shorts and charges toward the exit like a rampaging bull. Terrified shoppers scurry to get out of his way as he leaps over a kiosk and tramples a dopey mascot. The Gupty kids are kind enough to hold the doors open for him.
Moe barrels outside and down the entrance way as everyone thanks the lord for safety rails. Brittany shrieks and hides behind a desk. Nick orders the opening bell rung just so he can get the hell out of there. The J's merely jump aside and Moe is in the ring, turning Ted inside out with a vicious clothesline!)
Barch: "Holy s***!"
O'Neill: "Look at him! Listen to this place!"
(The fans can't help being charged by the electric presence of this guy, even though they're not rooting for him. Kevin and Mack both tackle him into the corner, but he shoves both of them back across the ring. Robert dropkicks him in the chest and just bounces off! He stumbles up and here's Moe off the ropes with a dropkick of his own. Robert crashes to the mat and rolls outside.)
O'Neill: "I've never seen a wrestler that big do a dropkick!"
Barch: "I hope these guys are insured."
(The Three J's are on the floor pounding Robert silly and throwing him into the rail. Mack rushes Moe and the former QB just backdrops him outside, right on top of them!)
O'Neill: "I don't think he even cares about his own teammates in this match!"
Barch: "No kidding! He had those guys hiding in a dumpster when he played for Lawndale!"
(Kevin fearlessly throws a punch at Moe. The monster steps back momentarily but comes back with a harder one. Kevin's ears must be ringing as he stumbles away. Moe's coming at him and Kevin tries to shield himself with some wild forearm strikes. Moe suddenly goes low with a leg takedown, then hurls Kevin outside under the bottom rope.
The secret weapon follows his latest victim to the floor and the only one left in the ring is Ted, who's still trying to remember what planet he's on. Moe flings Kevin over the Spanish broadcast table, scattering the commentators. Brittany can't take it anymore; she jumps on Moe's back and starts choking him!)
Barch: "Have at him, sister! It's all legal anyway!"
O'Neill: "Here comes Mac! Spear on the outside and Moe finally goes down!"
(Mac starts trading punches with Jeffy while Joey and Jamie throw Robert right into Ted, taking them both down. Now they're bringing weapons out from under the ring. Jamie dents a trash can repeatedly on Robert. Joey leans over Ted and tries to choke him with a Singapore cane, but the uber-nerd has the strongest hands in the LFC and forces it right back into his face!
Joey rolls away with a bloody nose and now Ted is up! He grabs the cane and batters Jeffy with it, saving his partner from further punishment. Moe is getting up on the other side of the ring, but not for long as Kevin leaps off the Spanish table with a flying clothesline! Mack throws Jeffy right over the guard rail and starts putting the boots to Moe. He and Kevin throw the former QB into the ring steps.)
Barch: "Good, now drop an anvil on him or something! Anything to keep this guy down so they have a chance of winning this thing! Um, not that I care or anything."
(Robert breaks a mop right over Joey's back! "THAT'S NOT NICE! THAT'S NOT NICE!" The fans chant on that side, and they're absolutely loving it. Robert throws Joey into the ring and Ted pins him—only two!)
Barch: "Dammit, that might've been their only shot to win this."
O'Neill: "How come?"
Barch: "MOE'S GETTING UP!"
(Moe is lifting the steel steps in his arms. Before an amazed Kevin can react, the maniac clobbers him in the face with 50 pounds of metal!)
O'Neill: "I think that knocked him out, Janet."
Barch: "Clear out, skinny! Women first!"
(Moe is tackling Mack right over their table! O'Neill pulls Barch clear of the destruction and now we have no commentary in this match. Moe grabs Mack's legs and swings him from the ground, headfirst into the railing. The football star is motionless after that one and now Moe turns his attention to the ring.
Jeffy's back in, nailing Ted with a missile dropkick. Robert's coming in after him but Joey's got his legs. Jamie just punched out a cameraman on the ramp and is running in with his camera. He nails both of Da Nice Guyz with it unmercifully and now Moe comes in to finish things off. The fans cheer and cringe at the same time as he gets set in the corner. His rage seems to overtake him completely as he lets out a blood-chilling roar and blasts Robert with the hardest spear the LFC has ever seen, turning him upside down in the air!)
Barch: (back on headset) "It's the I'LL KILL YA! Oh my Goddess, get the paramedics down here!"
(All of Robert's teammates are out as Moe covers him. In a last-ditch effort Brittany grabs a fire extinguisher and sprays it right into the ring—disrupting the count and blinding everyone inside. Kevin crawls up to the apron and pulls Robert and Ted out of the ring by their heels.)
Barch: "This is the craziest thing I've ever…what's HE doing?"
O'Neill: "No, that's the smart thing to do! If they're not in the ring, they can't be pinned!"
Barch: "Kevin, doing the smart thing?!"
(The J's are crawling on their hands and knees; they were seconds from victory and now they're wheezing in CO-2. Moe rolls out of the ring wiping his eyes. Kevin pulls Mack to his feet, recognizing a chance they may never have again. Together, they charge the monster and double-spear him into the barricade! The impact is so great that part of the fence comes loose. Mack lifts it up and sets it right on Moe's chest, hoping to keep him down THAT way.
Jeffy, the one furthest from the blast, is rolling the knocked-out Robert back inside for an easy pin. Kevin hurls a section of the steps right into the ring, nailing him in the head spectacularly. The crowd goes nuts at that feat of strength. Ted is up again somehow, pounding the other two J's.)
Barch: "Look at him! He's fighting like a dork possessed!"
(Ted is setting up a table outside the ring. With no one to stop him, he lifts Jamie on his shoulders and throws him off!)
O'Neill: "NICE BREAKER through the table!"
Barch: "Watch out! He's back again!"
(Moe blindsides Ted with a shoulder-charge, laying him out as well. Mack slides out of the ring and pounds Moe with lefts and rights, driving him back up the ramp. Moe finally ducks one of the punches and lifts him up, then throws Mack right off the stage onto the floor below.)
Barch: "Well, at least he got some frequent flier miles out of this."
O'Neill: "I can't believe it. That's at least a 15-foot drop—and look at Kevin trying to score a pin before Moe returns!"
(Kevin scores a power bomb on Jeffy and makes the cover! One, two—and Moe makes the save just in time, squelching the last hope his opponents had left.)
Barch: "This is the end. He's got that look in his eye…"
O'Neill: "He's like nothing we've ever seen before, Janet. I'm not sure he should even be allowed in wrestling, but that was Commissioner Li's call."
Barch: "Here comes another I'll Kill Ya! That's all it's going to take, skinny!"
O'Neill: "Wait! It's Robert!"
(Robert crawls up onto the apron and swings the Singapore cane right into Moe's ribs. He gets in the ring and scores a few more hits before Moe just grabs the cane and breaks it over his knee. Joey and Jeffy ambush Robert from behind so Moe can nail Kevin with a running boot to the face.
Dooms-J Device on Robert! Jeffy with the cover—but Ted is there again, pulling Nick out of the ring before he can count the three!)
Barch: "They're desperate, O'Neill. That's all I can say. But they can only dodge so many bullets here!"
O'Neill: "I'm afraid you're right. The J's are taking Ted down outside the ring, and now it's just Moe and Kevin…"
(Moe scouts Kevin from the corner again, and the fans know what's coming next. There's no way Kevin can survive an I'll Kill Ya at this point in the match. The Guyz are down, but as the crowd looks on in disbelief, Mack is climbing back onto the entrance ramp. Looking into one of the garbage cans the J's brought, he pulls out a football.)
Barch: "Look at him! He's so out of it he thinks he's at practice."
O'Neill: "No, he's got an idea! Mack THROWS THE FOOTBALL!"
(The ball sails straight into the ring and into Kevin's hands. He turns around to Moe, who's about to charge—and throws a huge pass of his own, right below the belt! Even Moe can't stay up after that!)
Barch: "Now that's what I call splitting the uprights!" (cackles)
(Here come the J's back into the ring. Kevin is fighting his heart out as he takes them down one by one. But as he's occupied, Moe is recovering, and by the time Kevin turns around he's coming yet again!)
O'Neill: "I'll Kill—NO! Kevin jumped right over him!"
Barch: "Dodged the bullet again."
(Moe goes right between the ropes and out of the ring. Mack is back inside now and they're ready for something big. Mack lifts Kevin on his shoulder and hurls him out like a javelin, right on top of Mad Moe!
The J's now swarm Mackenzie all at once. He fights bravely, but they batter him to his knees and have him set up for their second Dooms-J Device. Ted drags himself on the apron and crotches Jamie on the turnbuckle to stop it. Robert's still in orbit, but he manages to slide in and hold down Jeffy as Mack rolls a bloodied Joey into a sunset pin. One! Two!)
Barch: "No! Dammit, that's one of the closest I've ever seen—he must have had him there!"
O'Neill: "That's a tough call, but it is the referee's to make."
(Mack can't believe it, and his hesitation allows Joey to throw him into a German suplex. Mack reaches for the rope but is a fingertip short, and Joey launches him into a second one. Jeffy is free of Robert now and throws a dropkick into Mack's chest as Joey throws him into the third German. He's bridging him for the pin! One! Two! Ted DeWitt-Clinton with the save!)
O'Neill: "Oh my gosh!"
Barch: "Never mind, THAT was the closest two-count I've ever seen!"
O'Neill: "One moment Ted was lying on the ring apron, the next he was right there—and you can feel the sheer relief on their team and in the stands as well."
(Kevin is back in. Running clothesline to Jamie! Belly-to-belly suplex on Jeffy! Now he's coming for Joey Black, but he jumps aside and Kevin runs over Robert by mistake. Joey laughs and points at his head, moments before Ted almost knocks it off with a running enziguri! The 'good guys' seem to have victory in reach, and then—
I'LL KILL YA! Moe came out of nowhere, spearing and slamming Ted down so hard it's a wonder his boots stayed on! This beast will not be stopped. He nails Mack and Kevin, then eyes one of the corners with a strange look on his face. He steps over and rips off the padding—and as the crowd looks on in disbelief, he grabs one of the turnbuckles and pulls. Muscles and sweat stand out all over his over as he puts forth everything he's got. The crowd freaks as he dislodges the metal turnbuckle and rips it loose with his bare hands.)
O'Neill: "He couldn't have! That's impossible!"
Barch: "That's beyond strength, skinny. I don't know what period of the Stone Age this freak came from but I've never seen that before in this company."
("I'M GONNA KILL YA!" Moe bellows over the crowd noise. He seems to be talking to his opponents but O'Neill and DeMartino duck under the tables just in case. Moe kicks Ted out of the ring, clotheslines Robert over the ropes onto the floor. Mack is still face-down and Moe just lifts him like a weight in the gym, hurling him up into the air and smashing him back down Reverse DDT-style.
Now he closes in on Kevin. The top turnbuckle rope is lying loose now, allowing Moe to simply loop it around his neck and start strangling him. Desperate to save her boyfriend, Brittany picks up one of her pom-poms to reveal a lead pipe hidden inside of it.)
O'Neill: "And this one is going to be over. I'm afraid—"
Barch: "Brittany! She just clocked him in the back with that pipe!"
(Moe barely seems to feel it. He just drops Kevin and chases Brittany right back outside. She jumps the guard rail into the crowd to get away from him. Moe quickly goes back in, and as Kevin sees doom approaching he makes one more defiant gesture: he clocks Moe right in the head with the broken turnbuckle! Moe stops, swaying slightly on his feet. Kevin hits him again! Now he's wobbling!
A deafening "KNOCK HIM OUT" chant sweeps over the Mall of the Millennium crowd, and after a third hit Moe drops to one knee! Now Kevin's got the loose ring rope around his neck, returning the favor from earlier, and Moe slowly sinks down to the mat.
Mack's getting up. But Joey has one of the tag title belts and is waiting for the perfect chance to hit him. Brittany is back AGAIN, blasting him with the pipe, and he goes down like a sack of potatoes.)
Barch: "Death by cheerleader! Now that's girl power, O'Neill!"
(Mack pulls himself to his feet one more time. As the fans go wild, he knows this is his chance. Jamie's stumbling into the ring with a chair and Mack boots it into his face. Joey stumbles up all alone with no idea where he is, and walks right into a…)
Barch: "MACK ATTACK! One! Two! Three, I can't believe it!"
(It's all over. The Bro/QB Connection and Da Nice Guyz have pulled off an unbelievable win against their most bitter rivals and the overwhelming force that is Moe Norton. The whole football team, Cheerleader Squad included, runs out to celebrate and help our winners to the back.)
DeMartino: "And the WINNAHS of this completely RIDICULOUS match…the Bro/QB CONNECTION and Da NICE Guyz!"
O'Neill: "…Wow. That's all I can say."
Barch: "It makes no scientific sense. They just refused to get beat, O'Neill. They had every reason to get their asses kicked and possibly their careers ended out here, and they said 'no.' As dumb as they are, there's just something about these Lions players. Maybe that's it, they're not smart enough to give up. That's the reason they won."
(The heels are back in the ring as the Lions leave, and the J's look seriously pissed about losing. Instead of taking it like men, they make one of the worst decisions of their collective lives and start jaw-jacking with Moe. He yells back, Jeffy shoves him and he completely snaps, laying out his partners with forearms before storming out of the arena to more cheers.)
WINNERS BY PINFALL: The Bro & QB Connection and Da Nice Guyz