AN: This is a collaborative effort with Out of Lullabies and Josh Green Philly. After getting hooked on the Batman Sixties series, we decided to write a story just for fun switching writers scene by scene. We ended up with this. Enjoy!
BATMAN '66 TV SERIES – THE LOST EPISODES
SEASON 2, EPISODE 61
It's morning in Gotham City! Little kids are complaining about toothaches! Mothers are looking concerned! Now in Commissioner Gordon's office, Chief O'Hara has a toothache of his own.
"Oh Commissioner Gordon, damn me tooth. Damn it to hell", exclaims Chief O'Hara.
"Quit your sniveling whining," as Commissioner Gordon bitterly responds to his lethargic lackey! "I bet BATMAN never complains about something as small as a tooth."
"You're right sir!" The Chief lets out an exasperated sigh.
"Of course I am right! The Caped Crusader is, wait...what's that on the television?"
The officers of order turn their attention to the bright colors on the TV screen and the catchy jingle "Ha-Ha Bars make you happy! Ha-Ha Bars make you gay! Get some Ha-Ha Bars today!"
A man's voice is heard laughing over the music "Ha-Ha! For today only Ha-Ha Bars are free! Come to Gotham City Park at 12 PM for a surprise! Ha-Ha!"
The commercial ends and the duo of Gotham City's Finest look at each other in surprise.
And then something startling happens...Commissioner Gordon doesn't call Batman via the Bat Phone in his office. Being exposed so frequently to costumed lunkheads like Egghead and King Tut have caused Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara to treat this television commercial as nothing more than mundane.
Commissioner Gordon quickly puts on his jacket, looking over at Chief O'Hara. "Chief O'Hara, I just remembered I have a pressing engagement to attend! Can you handle things until I get back?"
"Of course I ca-...Wait a dog-gone minnnute! It is just almost 11 AM, are ye going to scamper down to Gotham City Park for these Ha-Ha Bars? You are the Commissioner! What if I wanted to go? Lunch is only a mere hour away, and I'll be starving mad, I tell ya!"
"Well then let's go together, Chief O'Hara. It isn't often when a FINE Gotham citizen wants to give back to the people of the city!" And after a long pause, "Eh, Chief O'Hara?"
"Weren't you complaining about a toothache just moments ago?"
"Very true sir, very true. It won't be easy to eat this delectable dessert, but it is for the good of the city, after all." Chief O'Hara replies, clearly justifying his insatiable gluttony.
Commissioner Gordon nods with affirmation towards Chief O'Hara as these two hungry heroes leave for Gotham City Park. What they don't know is that Ha-Ha Bars isn't allllllllll they are going to get when they reach Gotham City Park. But who will help them? It can't be Batman and Robin, because the Commissioner's Bat Phone remains unlit in an empty room.
Who is that opening the window? With an "H" painted on top of one eye and an "A" on top of the other, is this the same person whose voice was just on the TV?
CUE INTRO MUSIC
At Stately Wayne Manor, Bruce and Dick are transfixed on their Tiddlywinks game. Alfred is dusting the book shelves when Aunt Harriet hurries into the room her eyes alive with excitement waving a piece of paper.
"Oh boys! Boys! I have received the best news!"
Bruce gave a sideways glance at his protégé. "Hopefully it's not a resurgence of the Catusi again that has dear Aunt Harriet in such a tizzy, old chap."
The Boy Wonder nods enthusiastically in agreement. "Boy, me too, Bruce. That felonious feline needs to stop starting dance crazes and start repaying her debt to society if you ask me!"
Aunt Harriet bounds across the room to show the young men the flier in her hand. "We received this in the mail today! They are giving away free Ha-Ha Bars down at Gotham City Park at noon! Alfred (bats eyelashes) will be driving me there shortly. Would you like to come, boys?"
Bruce hesitated with deep thought. "Even after seeing the commercial several minutes ago, I think I will decline. While Ha-Ha Bars are delicious, they have almost no nutritional value. Now if they were giving away free apples at the park..."
"Pardon my intrusion, Master Bruce, but sir can have free apples from the orchard anytime sir cares to." Alfred interrupts gently.
"Very true, my friend. Very true."
"Sorry Aunt Harriet, count me out as well, but thanks for the invitation."
"Oh not all Dick dear!" she sidles up to Alfred with a secret smile.
"Looks like it's just the two of us, Alfred!"
Alfred stares straight ahead and gulps. "Quite, madam."
They leave together for the park, Aunt Harriet chattering endlessly.
Alone again with Dick and his thoughts, Bruce wonders aloud, "There's something suspicious about that commercial. I half expected to be called on the Bat Phone mere seconds after the end of the Ha-Ha commercial."
"Gee Batman? What do you want to do?" A genuinely confused Dick looks to his mentor for guidance.
"First, inspect the evidence. Quick Robin to the Bat Poles!"
Bruce and Dick go into the private study, to reveal the secret passageway to the Batcave, by pressing the hidden button in the Shakespeare bust.
The hidden door to the Batcave opens, as Bruce and Dick lunge onto their distinctively labeled Bat Poles. But when they land in the Batcave, a most outrageous outcome occurs.
"Holy hallucinations! You're wearing my Robin costume!" A shocked Robin shouts to Batman.
"Yes, and you are in my Batman attire. It seems that something very unusual is happening to us," Batman responds, quietly insecure about wearing the Robin costume for the first time. "Now think Robin, did we jump onto our correct Bat Poles?
"I specifically remember you being on my right for the slide down, Bruce. So yes, I think we did." But Robin's thoughts drift. He wonders if he will I one day be worthy to take on the mantle of Batman in the future. Dick looks up to Bruce more than anybody, and hopes to be considered Bruce's equal in the future. But with Dick now standing in the Batman costume, he wonders if this will be the only time he will ever wear the Cape Crusader's cowl.
"How peculiar," Batman notes. "I remember you on my right as well. But I must say, my friend, in the years to come, this will probably not be the last time you wear my uniform."
Robin beams with pride.
"After all, I plan to go on vacation at some point. Metropolis is lovely in the autumn I am told."
"Right, Batman! So what should we do now?"
"Well Robin, I think the only thing we can do is go back upstairs and go down the bat poles once more."
"Gotcha!" Robin hurries to the secret bat pole door and stopped in his tracks..."Uh, Batman?"
"Yes, old chum?"
"The Bat Poles, they are gone!"
"Does that mean we have to actually remain dressed like this?!"
"For now, yes. But it doesn't matter who's in the suits, just as long as we perform our civic duty to protect the residents of Gotham."
Robin tears up. "I won't let you down, Batman."
"Nor, I you. Nor I you! …. NOW! …. I can only assume that our friends in the police department are at Gotham City Park! Quick Robin, to the Batmobile! We have no time to lose!"
Batman and Robin quickly rush towards the Batmobile, jumping into their respective seats. They have done this so often and for so long, they are a well-oiled machine. But before Robin can get the Batmobile started, Batman puts his hand in the air, clearly indicating that he has a thought."
"What is it, Batman?" Robin asks curiously.
"Remember what I told you about Batman and Robin being symbols?"
Robin nods in affirmation.
"Gothamites shouldn't feel the burden of this most perplexing costume mix-up. I can only suspect that the voice on the Ha-Ha Bars commercial is the culprit . And who else could it be other than the sick and twisted, Joker."
"You're right Batman! Ha-Ha Bars. Of course it's The Joker! I can't believe all of Gotham fell for his sneaky scheme!"
"Well once The Joker is defeated and back in jail where he belongs, this could help Gotham citizens eat healthier. Remember what I told you about the Five Food Groups, Robin?"
"A healthy day keeps the doctor away?" Robin uncertain whether he recited the correct anecdote.
"Right! Now let's switch seats Robin, and don't forget to buckle, the Batmobile is yours." Batman says, unsure of whether Robin can rise to the challenge as Batman.
"Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed."
Robin looks to his right at Batman, smiles, then looks straight ahead. "Roger. Ready to move out."
CUE BATMAN THEME AS BATMOBILE EXITS THE BATCAVE
Meanwhile, in an abandoned warehouse on the Gotham City Docks, The Joker and his henchman lay unconscious in a cage. The phrase "Ha-Ha" is written across the every section of the walls surrounding them. Who would taunt The Joker so?
Now, back in the office of Commissioner Gordon, slowly walks a man with a long trench coat. Who is this man? His clothes are wrinkled, Aunt Harriet would certainly not approve! He removes the "H" and the "A" stickers from his eyes and places them on the Commissioner's desk. First the "H". Then the "A". Then he writes on a notepad…. "WHY SO SERIOUS? Were my Ha-Ha Bars not what you expected?"
COULD THERE BE ANOTHER JOKER IN-TOWN? AND WHY ARE HIS JOKES NOT FUNNY?
WILL BATMAN AND ROBIN MAKE IT TO GOTHAM CITY PARK IN-TIME TO SAVE THEIR FRIENDS?
WE'LL FIND OUT TOMORROW NIGHT!
SAME BAT TIME! SAME BAT CHANNEL!
End Part 1