Summary: A step-by-step guide on how to make insensitive, asshole, dense, and handsome protozoan brutes fall head over heels for you, brought to you by the one and only Izaya Orihara.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Warning: OOC, retarded attempt at humor
MAKING ASSHOLES FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
by Izaya Orihara
Date: April 17
Hello there my lucky humans! I see that you're reading my step-by-step guide on how to make insensitive, asshole, dense, and handsome protozoan brutes fall head over heels for you. So, I assume that you've probably spent countless of sleepless nights thinking of some hot but temperamental hunk with the romantic sense of a log and sensitivity of a rickshaw that makes you feel hopeless. But do not fear, I'm here to help you! I also faced the predicament of pursuing an insensitive asshole and may I say that I'm already an expert on this kind of thing. And since I love all of my humans, I decided to create this guide to help you in your pitiful and pathetic excuse of courting.
My name is Izaya Orihara and yeah you've probably heard of me. Yeah, I'm one of the hot faces here in Raijin not to mention the top of the class. But you see, even god sent hot guys like me sometimes fall in love with brutes who will throw a celebration if I suddenly drop dead off the face of this planet.
The thing is, these insensitive assholes are everywhere. And what's so annoying about them is that they have this ability of making everyone fall at their feet by just being their insensitive asshole selves. But woe is us because these insensitive assholes are not really that great on giving love in return.
I also have an insensitive asshole in my life that makes my heart go doki-doki everyday, as girly as that sounds. His name is Shizu-chan and we're all lovey dovey (gross) now. But I tell you, it's not an easy task to get here. It's like pedaling your way to hell.
So without further ado, let me give you the steps on how to make your love life all frilly and butterflies together with your happily ever after (cue in playing of sappy love songs). The guide will go something like this: I'll give you a tip on how to deal with this insensitive asshole and share my story on how said tip worked wonders for me or lack thereof.
Just a reminder, before approaching this jerk romantically, you have to make sure that you are really head over heels for him. Like really really in love with him. You see, insensitive assholes are so difficult they will drive you insane. So you've got to be overflowing with love because love is the only way you can conquer this asshole in your life that breeds millions of butterflies in your stomach through their sidelong glance.
Now, it's time to pursue your everlasting happiness with that insensitive asshole.
P.S. For future reference, I will now refer to insensitive assholes as IAs (pronounced as ay-yas).
Tip #1: Be direct to the point. But not too direct that will make him think that you throw yourself to anyone or, much worst, that you're trolling him. Bonus points for creativity (hint: use something like destiny or lady luck).
AQUARIUS: The solution to control your outrageous temper is easy: all you need is a lucky person! Lucky person must be: a genius, a little bit eccentric (in case you're being an uncultured protozoan, eccentric means weird), always smiling or smirking at you, and a schoolmate. Find your lucky person and you'll gonna have the best year ever~
Izaya Orihara read once again the horoscope he had altered. Earlier that morning, the raven-haired teen purchased a cheap horoscope magazine from the nearby convenience store and used his sisters' correction fluid to tamper the written luck predictions. Izaya, despite being the awesome student he was, had zero experience in horoscope writing. However, he supposed he did a decent job with the alteration. Although he had to admit that using correction fluids were too obvious and maybe going a little overboard. Despite that, he hoped that Shizuo would understand his subtle way of confessing his feelings and would accept them. Even better if the protozoan would declare that he had felt the same way and was just too dense to realize that it was love at first sight, not hate.
He gave a small sigh as his carmine eyes spotted the blond-haired brute he was looking for. Izaya's eyes soften as he noticed that the blond was staring at the window with a very serene expression. The calm look on Shizuo's face was very endearing and it did not fail to make Izaya's heart beat a little bit faster.
Izaya gave an amused smile as he noticed the vein popping out of Shizuo's forehead. He couldn't help being flattered with the thought that only him could have this much effect on Shizuo. It's a great pride booster to see the uncultured protozoan display such passionate reactions just from hearing Izaya's voice. Not waiting for any other form of recognition from the blond, Izaya stretched out his hand to shove the horoscope magazine to Shizuo's scowling face.
"Read this and educate yourself with eastern beliefs, uncultured brute."
Dodging the flying desk, Izaya gave an amused chuckle as he made his way out of Shizuo's classroom. Once safe from the metal projectiles, Izaya slowed himself as he made his way back to his classroom. He felt his heart swelling with hope and anxiety that he was certain that anytime soon it would pop out of his chest. Of course being all sweet with Shizuo only happened in the fantasy world in his head with fantasy Shizu-chan cooing "I love you" at him every second. But still, he wouldn't really mind doing all those with Shizuo.
Regardless to say, Izaya hoped that this would be the best day ever.
The carmine-eyed teen was lost in his fantasy world, replaying again fantasy Shizu-chan's blushing face as he confessed his undying love for Izaya when his fantasies were rudely interrupted by a walking wall that collided with his small frame causing Izaya to be sprawled gracelessly on the floor. Ready to lash out at the stupid student, Izaya snapped his head up to give his glaring daggers but instead of that, he had his heart momentarily stopped in his chest. He tried to compose himself and project a seemingly natural, or at the very least, composed expression, and said, "What's up, Shizu-chan?" with a very neutral tone.
Calm down, calm down, calm down. Izaya recited to himself as he looked at Shizuo expectantly because this was it, the long-awaited confession from Shizu-chan! Izaya casually rubbed his hips as he supported himself to stand up seeing that Shizuo would not offer him any form of help. And despite his attempts to look normal, calm, and collected, Izaya could feel his insides melting with excitement and nervousness.
"What's Shinra's class?"
A pregnant pause passed as Izaya raised his eyebrows at the unexpected question.
"Louse, where's Shinra? You gone deaf?"
"No. I heard you loud and clear," Izaya laughed despite his confusion. "But why are you looking for Shinra?"
"It's not like it's your fucking business or anything but I need to ask him to be my lucky person. The magazine you gave me said so." Izaya could see that Shizuo's getting more and more irritated with every passing second.
Another pregnant pause passed before Izaya was able to understand fully the situation.
A/N: Thank you for reading.