In Nomine Fratris
Bless me, brother, for I have sinned, and you cannot prevent me from sinning.
Bless me brother, for I will sin, and it will be your will as well.
If I can only see Heaven in your eyes, why are you different? Why are you made of something other than earth? Why, Cesare, do you think you will find ecstasy between the thighs of your pretty French princess? You will not. I love and long for you in all things, but you will not. I will not let you.
Perhaps I will be her sweetest sister, her dearest friend. Perhaps I will tell her all the ways to please you, and then when you go to bed you will feel my touch and see my hand in it and wish for my face. Perhaps I will not. Perhaps I will smile to her face and scheme behind her back. Perhaps she will not conceive, or she will reek so beneath her skirts that you dare not go near her, or she will sicken and die. Perhaps I will be cruel and not kind because you dared tell me that our love was in the past and you dare pretend this is your future.
I cannot change who I am, and you cannot change who you are, and we are two sides of the same coin. You may shut your gates and build your walls high, but it is only a matter of time. Then you smile at me without meaning to. Then you take my hand in Mass. Then you kiss me when we meet.
Then your books are in my room and your wife calls after you and you hold my child as if he is your own.
Then you let me rock you to sleep.
I will say that to you – that is how innocently I will say it when I take off my nightgown and I look into your eyes. Then you will see Heaven, when we are one flesh again. We came from one womb, we belong in one skin. How could she ever compare to me, I who have always known where it is that makes you happy and where it is that makes you hurt. I belong beneath you so you can torture me. You belong to the beasts, to the Borgias, to the creatures like me. I cannot cry aloud when I come apart, but I know you hear your name in my head: Cesare.
Dona nobis pacem, they will sing as you marry her, but I will give you no peace. Until we fight and fuck, until my soul leaves my body for love of you and yours for love of me. Until we spend ourselves and spill together, until we die and rise again together, I will have no peace, and you will have no peace. I will not let you.
Forgive me, brother, for I cannot stop.
Forgive me, brother, for I will not stop.