Tweek & Butters – "Condom"

For Jack.


If anyone had seen the two blonds standing there in the middle of their high school's main hallway, staring at the floor with a seemingly unshakable amount of concentration, they might've assumed them to be asleep on their feet. With good reason, too: Butters and Tweek were practically unmoving - aside from the latter's slight caffeine-induced tremors - but they certainly were not asleep. Instead, they were focused on the suspiciously soggy-looking piece of white plastic on the floor at their feet.

Butters regarded the condom with an expression of confusion, while Tweek looked mildly disgusted.

"How did it end up out here?" the Stotch questioned softly.

"I dunno, man," Tweek returned. He nearly bit his tongue off when the other startled him by patting his shoulder, but he stayed calm enough to add, "but I'm not touching it."

Butters frowned in such a way that Tweek swore it was more of a pout than anything. "One of us oughta pick it up."


"It'd be awfully rude to just leave it here…"

"So?" Tweek's eyebrows furrowed. "Listen, man, I know you're all goody-goody freshman president and all, but I think that even the teachers would ignore it if they were in your shoes."

"But…" Butters leveled his best puppy dog eyes at his companion.

"I'm not touching that!" was the only response he garnered in return.

There was a short pause, then: "Whose do you think it is?" Butters, the one who had voiced this odd inquiry, shot a different, more amused look at Tweek this time.

The latter rubbed idly at one eye. "Mmg... Too big to be Cartman's." Butters laughed and Tweek smiled. "Too small to be Craig's." At that, the lighter-haired boy's face reddened, while the other's smile grew a fraction. "I'm joking. I know it's not Craig's. At least I hope not." He began to look the slightest bit nervous, so Butters laid a hand on his shoulder once more and assured him that his boyfriend wasn't sneaking around, though he wasn't exactly sure of that, himself.

"It could be Clyde's," Butters suggested. "He and Bebe—"

"They broke up."


"Mm-hm. He's with Kevin now."

"Ken's brother?"

"No, Stoley."



The duo returned their gazes to the discarded plastic for a moment more, reverting back to their initial expressions. "Maybe it is Cartman's," the jittery blond said in a rather uncomfortable tone. "He is dickish enough to just throw it down."


To Butters' amusement, Tweek already knew what he was going to ask and said, "Wendy."

"Ohh, that's right."


Another pause settled between the two, this one longer than the one preceding it. Before either of them could break the silence, the clicking sound of men's dress shoes echoed through the hall, sending Tweek into a panic and Butters into excuse-making mode.

"Mister – Mister Mackey!" The words were spoken in unison by both boys, and the guidance counselor looked confused for only a moment before he caught sight of the condom on the ground, which is exactly when his expression went blank.

"It isn't what it looks like," Butters suggested unhelpfully; Tweek put his face in his hands.

"…I'm sorry, boys," Mr. Mackey said upon leaning over to pick the trash up. The teens tried not to look too grossed-out, but this attempt failed when the skinny man in front of them spoke the words "I didn't mean to leave that there."

After that, no one said anything. The boys, without even attempting to form a proper goodbye, hurried off in the direction from which they'd come, and that was that.