"The end of THE END is the best place to begin THE END, because if you read THE END from the beginning of the beginning of THE END to the end of the end of THE END, you will arrive at the end." ― Lemony Snicket

"License and registration, please."

"I'm sorry. You asked for license and registration?"

Town County was an extraordinarily safe community, and if you asked the Arrow family — they would tell you it was due to their patriarch's tireless efforts. Officer Arrow's family looked up to him in admiration and his only child was desperate to follow in his footsteps.

"Okay, what gives? I don't think I was breaking any laws. I signaled to turn, and I definitely wasn't speeding."

"Excuse me?" the young deputy replied.

"I said-"

"Now, you listen here, Mason Cullen! I'm here to protect and serve. You are supposed to do what I say, when I say it. No back talk!"

Mason couldn't help but chuckle. This was such a strange scenario. His mother had recounted a similar tale on many an occasion. He knew the deputy standing in front of him had heard the same story, too. Regardless, Mason knew there would need to be some sweet-talking to get out of this. He stood from his bike and positioned the kickstand.

"Come on, isn't there some way we can work this out?" Mason thought about throwing in his trademark eyebrow wiggle which he'd learned from his uncle Phil, but decided he was already headed into dangerous waters, so he resisted.

"Mason! I will not have you brownnosing your way out of this."

The young deputy stepped closer to whisper a warning. "So help me God, Mason Swan-Cullen- if you don't play along, I will never let you touch me again." Those were the only words the young deputy needed to deliver; for Mason Swan-Cullen couldn't live without touching Jane. Moreover, Jane had used his full name, and she only did that when she was really angry.

"Look, Janie, I'm not good at this stuff. I know you want to practice being a cop like your dad, but can't you pick on some unsuspecting out-of-towner?"

"I can't believe you'd even say that. After all the support I gave you when you told your mom and dad you wanted to be a dog trainer. That's selfish, Mason." He knew Jane was right, and if there was one thing he'd learned over the years from his parents, it was that you had to give a little to get a little.

"Sorry, Officer Arrow, I forgot my license and registration at home. Are you going to frisk me and then cuff me?"

Jane smiled, but only for a second. She loved it when Mason was a little bit dirty.

"I'm afraid I'll need to call this in. You are in violation of code 2-7-8-0-3, operating a motorized cycle without a helmet." Mason began to protest as Jane knew the plastic head covering messed up his hair. "Plus, your mother would have a heart attack if she saw you on this thing without a helmet. I'm still not sure how your dad talked your mom into letting you have it."

In fact, Edward hadn't talked Bella into letting Mason have a motorcycle. Mason had come home early from school due to illness. He'd tried calling each of his parents to notify them, but neither picked up. When he entered the Cullen family home, he instantly knew why.

Despite being married for seventeen years, Edward and Bella hadn't grown tired of an intimate relationship with each other; it was quite the contrary. So when Mason walked in the front door to find his parents naked…oily…and rolling around amidst several empty olive oil bottles, they knew they'd never be able to look their only son in the eyes again.

Mason was no idiot, though. After he –unsuccessfully- attempted to irradiate the images of his parents copulation from his head, he figured he might as well get compensation for his pain and suffering; hello Kawasaki Ninja. He had his sights set on a much better bike, but at eleven grand, Mason felt a twinge of guilt, so he settled for the base model. Having to see his father's penis in his mother's vagina -while said father licked said mother's nipple- was definitely worth five thousand bucks.

"What can I say, Janie? I have my parents whipped. Now, how 'bout you jump on the back of this thing so we can meet my family for dinner. I have to take you home to change first. You know the uniform gives my mom flashbacks."

Jane couldn't say no. While their role play hadn't ended, she could no longer stand not touching Mason in some way. She slid on the motorcycle behind him, where her arms circled Mason's waist and then clasped her hands tightly over his bellybutton. She leaned forward, whispering in Mason's ear (where she may, or may not have let her tongue touch the tip of his lobe). "Hey, is your dad still taking our Senior photos on Saturday?" Jane knew Mason's dad was doing her a special favor by taking the photos himself. While Dove Photography was a huge hit in Town County, Edward's career really took off after one of his photos was featured on Flickr. He mostly did freelance work now for magazines and internet sites, leaving the wedding and senior pictures to his staff.

"Yeah, no chance I will let that idiot, Alec, near you, baby." Alec was a young protégé Edward hired several months previously. While he had a keen eye for photography, he also seemed to have a keen eye for Jane. Mason knew where Jane's feelings lay, though, and he intended to make sure he kept it that way. He looked at his watch and noted that they had a little extra time before they would be expected by his parents. No time like the present to remind my girl about what she's got, Mason thought.


"We gotta hurry my dove. Mase will be home in T minus ten minutes."

"Edward, you know it takes me a little longer. I'm not twenty-five anymore!"

Edward wasn't a quitter. He never had been, nor would he ever be. He rubbed his wife a little harder and a little faster.

"I know, but we can't afford to buy whatever else he comes up with if he keeps catching us like this." Bella knew Edward's words were true. While Mason had only admitted to seeing his parents the one time, they knew better. There had been another time when he'd skipped school and come home early, but Mason wasn't willing to admit his truancy, and Bella and Edward hadn't wanted to admit to being sex fiends who often partook in a bit of afternoon delight. The "don't ask, don't tell" policy was working well for the Cullen's.

"Son-of-a-" Edward panted as he heard the roar of the motorcycle.

"Just hurry, go faster!" Bella shouted, half in worry, half in ecstasy.

"You know-" Edward began, but was cut off.

"Shut up and finish for Christ sake!" Bella commanded. Edward loved it when she was bossy, and it was all he needed to get the job done.

Seventy-two seconds later, Bella and Edward were dressed and headed down the stairs to greet their only born and his beloved. While Edward and Bella adored Jane and couldn't hope for a better match for their son, they weren't as fond of her father. Deputy Felix Arrow had given the pair quite a bit of trouble over the years. Unfortunately, Bella's bicycle incident hadn't been her only infraction, nor was that Edward's last visit to the city jail.

After pleasantries commenced, Edward pulled his son in for a hug. "Son, I won't ask for details, but your shirt appears to be buttoned askew." Mason pulled away from his father, looking down at his clumsily buttoned shirt. He was about to respond in remorse when he noticed Edward's shirt.

"Uh, Dad? Looks like we have the same affliction." Mason pointed to Edward's shirt with mismatched buttons and holes.

"So it appears." Edward laughed while also enjoying the grin on his son's face. "Like father, like son."

In the years since meeting Bella, and then Mason's birth, Edward had become a different man than he was in his youth. Once sullen and bored with life, he was now vibrant and excited to greet each day. He had been for the past eighteen years.

As Edward watched his family gathered around him in quiet conversation, he knew that no matter what, there would always be smiles in this world that were meant just for him.

The end.