Oh hell. This is not good. I had read all the books, seen the first two season and part of the third when the omnipotent fuck did this to me. I have zero skill with a sword and no interest in living in a world without flushable toilets, new Southpark episodes, and, hand soap. What would my girlfriend do without me? We had been together for years. never away from each other more than a day in years. I felt sick.
Most of all, I mourned the loss of the blessed herb of peace. My hands start shaking and I feel a head-ache coming with the power of a freight train.
Might as well make some decisions before whatever the ROB throws another curve ball at me. I am not in my 22 year old body. Time to put my narcissistic and anti-social personality traits to use.
It is not the body that I had it is white skinned for one thing. I and a tan skinned mocha-American, and a mix of 4 different races.
I miss my dog.
The headache is getting worse.
I am in a small room alone. A candle burns in the corner on top of a small desk, a chair in front of it. A small bed on the other side a chest at the foot of the bed. I examine myself closely.
Thin arms and legs. Wiry muscles. I hadn't been this little since I was 8. I pulled a strand of hair out of my head and held it in front of my face, blond. No chest hair or beard stubble, a smooth face. Still have 2 balls.
My hands have calluses, not a noble then. On the other hand nobles do have calluses from sword practice. Maybe a noble then.
I open the chest at the foot of the bed.
A wooden sword.
4 fabric tunics, 1 leather, all dyed red.
A knife, looks like iron, oiled, no rust.
2 pairs of pants, one leather, one fabric, dyed red.
3 books, A Dance with Dragons by Grand Maester Munkun and The Tale of Lann the Clever.
Also a journal, Martyn Lannister.
Fuck! I must be a Lannister. This is bad, very very bad.
I start reading it immediately.
Two hours later, I shut the journal, toss it back into the the chest with everything else, and lay down in the bed to sleep. Maybe the headache will go away. Maybe I will wake up back in Texas and eat a cheeseburger and pizza again.
Morning in Casterly Rock.
I couldn't sleep all night, and instead used the time to make a mental checklist and weigh the pros and cons of various escape plans and how to get the hell off this continent.
I have 2 brothers, and a sister. My oldest brother, Lancel, I remember from the books is a pussy and fucks his own cousin. My other brother Willem is my twin and is a squire in the Stormlands.
I have no Idea what to do. I can't run anywhere, Where would I go? There is food and a bed here.
Do I care about the 5 way war that is about to start? Yes.
Why do I care? Self preservation. I have blond hair and a fancy name.
I need to get the fuck off Westeros. As I said, I have read the books and its not looking so good for this continent. White walkers to the north, My queen bitch cousin and her mad spawn in the south, Cthulhu worshiping pirates to the west, man burning red god cultist and her "chosen one" to the east.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
Time for stage 1 of plan A It was the base for multiple contingency plans.
A real head injury is needed for plan A. Cons A painful head injury and possible death or permanent maiming, Pros Reason for a change in personality from excitable happy 12 year old and excuse for the loss of memory and a chance of getting the hell off this world and into the next one.
So, chance of death, a good and bad thing or face extreme suspicion and a zero chance of escaping alive.
"Glad to see you awake Master Martyn" said a voice above me.
"who are you" I asked in a panicked voice 'real, not faked, I was scared shitless' "where am I"
"In the infirmary of Castorly Rock" the voice said
"whats Castorly Rock" I asked. "Is my Martyn my name?" I heard a female voice gasp and start crying.
"yes, young master, you must have lost your memories after you fell downs the stairs on your way to break fast a week ago. You broke your arm as well, it is set and will heal in a few months."
Stage 1 Plan A success.
It had been weeks since he had seen his brother's son, he did not sup with children present often, but, had made an exception to see his injured nephew. he had to make sure he wouldn't be a further embarrassment to the Lannister name. Falling down stairs is not befitting of a Lannister. A broken arm made it impossible for him to be a knight. If need be, he would be sent to the wall to cover the shame if he was simple minded after the head injury.
He sat at the head of the table, Tyrion thankfully absent.
"How are you" he asked the boy after the lemon cakes were served for desert.
"Well my Lord" the boy replied."How are you?"
"I am well also" he told the boy.
"Are your studies going well?" he asked
"Wonderful my Lord"
I need to impress Tywin for stage 2 of plan A to go forward, the use of my earth's knowledge is extremely here. I had spent the last few weeks remembering the wirtings of Sun Tzu and writing them down. The first chapter should seem poetic and enticing enough to gain his attention.
I gave a paper to my father(Kevan) with the five fundamentals and explanations for the way, heaven, earth, command, and, discipline. I asked him for his opinion on the writing and if I should continue.
I needed to start right off the bat, being perceived as a genius, a prodigy of the highest level. I needed to be out of Joffery and the bitch queen's reach. My voice and opinion needed to hold great weight.
Tywin was the key to this.
I was not a random person, I did not have the ability to skulk off into the relative safety of the tropical Summer Isles where they believe in 'free love' where there is no winter and the abundant fruit trees are always in bloom, or so I heard.
I did not care about the people of Westeros or the horrible destiny of the Starks. The only concern with the future Targaryen dragon riding Khaleesi, was getting the hell away.
Ser Kevan was very impressed and mystified how his 12 year old son could write something so inventive and urged me to continue.
I continued writing, going into the way of deception and strategic offensives. I stopped there, no need to educate these primitive medieval bastards too much.
My mannerisms did not seem like a childs, neither was my speech. I had many terms of phrase that no one had heard before, I heard many from the people around me that I had not heard before.
I had Tywin's attention. I was his squire a week after I gave my uncle the way of deception. Tywin was suitably impressed. An aging with Lord with no proper heir, one son an embarrassment, and the other sworn to father no children.
Maybe ROB wasn't such an asshole after all. I then remembered the Pizza Hut I would never see again, the Internet porn I had access to in the Earth I was from and my good feelings went away. Bastard.
Stage 2 plan A: Tywin hold great hopes for his highly intelligent nephew. Success.
"You sent for me my Lord?" asked his nephew. Standing in front of his desk in his study. The boys eyes were lowered, his clothes were neat, no scuffs on his polished leather boots, no twitching or nervousness in his posture. his arm was still in a sling. Perfect, always perfect, every time he had seen him since his fall. He did not look the same as he did before the loss of his memory. He did not act the same.
He was the mirror image of Jamie at the same age. Smarter though, without the rebellious attitude as well. Everything he could have wanted in a son. A pity it was his brother's son instead of his own.
"Yes, sit." he said pointing to a chair in front of him.
I sat, keeping my eye's down. My mind was focused on keeping the lessons I had learned on polite behavior from the Measter. I had planned what to say to any response Tywin had to the plagiarism I had made of Sun Tzu's Art of war.
"Why did you make this?" he asked, holding up the few pages I had written.
Time to lie my ass of and remember to keep a straight face. "I wished to bring honor to my house and to my name and show my father that even though I am crippled, I can still honor the name without becoming a great knight like he is."
"And you decided that writing military strategy was the way to do so?"
"I decided to write that for father because that was what he found interesting."
"Why did you not use this time you used writing this to catch up on the books you have read before and forgotten?"
"I have read all the books in the Lannister library my Lord." His eyebrows rose.
It took great effort to keep the smirk off my face. These people had no clue about the wonders of reading mentally instead of out loud and did not have access to the amount of good reading material like I did in my past life to train the speed reading ability. Five weeks was less than I needed to demolish their "Library" of what they call "Books". A week was all it took to get used to their archaic spelling and handwriting instead of typed letters with even spacing. Thank Rob they speak and write English.
Casterly Rock was one of the few places in Westeros with even that many books.
"Yes, My lord"
"It took my son 10 years to do that"
I don't know how to answer that question.
"I'm sorry to hear that my Lord."
I fought hard to keep from smirking, and lost. Making fun of the sister-layer is too much for me. A corner of my lip curled for an instant before I could stop it. He caught sight of it. He leaned forward in his chair his brow lowered, eyes squint, cheeks slightly raised for a split second. A sign of contempt. He thinks I am lying.
"Who was the first Baratheon?"
"If you asked a Baratheon, they would say Durren. Truly though, it was Orys Baratheon" this answer was in two different books.
"What were the names of the dragons Aegon the first and his sisters rode?" in one book this time.
"Vhagar, Meraxes, and Balerion the Black Dread"
He leaned back into his chair, knowing that I had not lied.
"You are a clever boy" he said
"Thank you my Lord."
"I am assigning you to be my squire from now on."
Great, a backfire on that plan. I get to serve his wine and polish his armor.
"Thank you my Lord, It is a great honor" I barely keep the sarcasm from my voice. My face is stone once more.
"Be here at dawn for instructions" he ordered.
"Yes my Lord" I took that as a dismissal. I got up, bowed, and walked towards the door.
"And Martyn" he said from behind me. I turned around "Yes my Lord?"
"Address me as uncle"
I bow again "Have a nice day, uncle." I turn around and walk out the door, the guard shutting it behind me.
My father was so proud that he brought me a servant from Bravos, one trained in the art of water dancing. Water dancing being the art of sword-play with a light one handed sword, for speedy parries and quick stabs. I would never be able to use a two handed sword to its full potential with one weak arm and one strong one. The one handed one though, He wanted me to become an expert in.
I was training for long hours at this for anytime I had that I was not with Tywin in the evenings or mornings I was not needed.
Tywin mostly had me doing his paperwork and carrying messages. I was with him for most of the day, I even had my own chair that I waited at in the corner of his study. I was with him in all his meeting, kept track of his appointments and wrote letters that he needed dictated and sent when he was busy.
It boiled down to a glorified personal assistant.
The year was 296 AL, and I estimate that 3 years is all I have to be the fuck out of here and all I have done is make the castles cooks 'invent' a few new dishes and cooking techniques. I had pointed out to Tywin that the cooks touch his food with their damn dirty filthy fucking hands and that they needed to start using some lye soap to wash their hands every time they use the privy to keep our food clean.
I worked as a chef in my previous life and have some crazy(to them) ideas on food safety and sanitation.
A few months shy of my 'ten and third name-day', I had invented the # zero and shown our Measter its uses in mathematics. He raved about it to his fellow Measters and is writing a book about mathematics based on what I showed him. I could hardly believe they had survived this long without long division. Measters, world around, know my name and consider me a genius.
Tywin has slowly begun giving me orders that need actual thought to carry out. 'Settle this dispute between these common folk while I go to my study and write letters' kind of orders.
Its a lot harder to make two farmers arguing over the ownership of a pig shut up than you would believe.
I started keeping track of the loans and calculating the compound interest quickly. This was a great pride to my father and to Uncle Tywin. I became less of an assistant and more of confidant to my uncle. My polite charm and and dry humor, carefully maintained appearance and obvious intellect beyond anything Tywin had ever seen was a thing he treasured.
I was no longer a child in Tywins eyes, I never played childish games or got excited, never talked too much or gave advice in public. Never did I do anything but act the perfect lordling. The fact that I was so closely related to him was also a great pride.
Plan A was going well.
Finally, Tywin took a trip to King's Landing to meet with Lord Baelish about some loans and visit his spawn. It was equally humorous and sobering.
I had to get the hell off this continent of manipulative bastards, crazy drunk kings, and incestuous bitch queens, and, arrogant mad stupid princes.
"I will see you at dawn in my chambers" He said to me "do as you like until then." he added. I bowed and backed out of the room containing Lord Tywin and Lord Baelish.
I was a week over thirteen now and was a little closer to having the ability to flee to the Summer Isles, not that anyone knew that was my intention.
I could have fucked around with the plot of the books and changed some things for the better for some people, but, that just wasn't me. I may have liked the characters in the books and tv show based on the world I was in, but, this is reality and I was not going to risk my neck or be burned alive for making someone king of this land or fight for some stupid concept of honor or glory invented by these barbaric assholes who don't use toilet paper.
The Red Keep was absolutely beautiful though.
It was a Sunday, the King never holds court on weekends, so the throne-room should be empty. I wanted to see how big the dragon skulls really were.
There were a few ladies in the throne room talking, they ignored me as I walked passed them. I was a child still in the eyes of wall were a deep red, the color of blood. on the walls were mounted heads, small near the entrance of the throne room, about the sixe of a dogs head and growing larger from there. Above the throne was a massive skull, as large as a T-Rex I had seen at the Smithsonian in D.C. in my other life. It was black though, and shining like obsidian glass.
"Who are you?" I heard a boys voice behind me. I didn't answer to any boys.
I replied without turning around, a mistake on my part. "No one."
"I am the Prince and you will answer my questions!" "Seize him!"
I whirled around and before I could apologize, I saw a huge fist coming towards my face.
I was dragged into a cell and chained to a wall.
I then had the ever living shit beaten out of me. One eye was swollen shut and by the pain from breathing, I am sure I have at least one broken rib. No questions were thrown my way, just fists. I don't know where they learned torture, but, a few punches is not what I call pain. A few years in the BDSM party scene in my previous life taught alot about real pain and the dull thuds of fists into my flesh were nothing compared to what I done for fun previously.
I'm pretty sure my grin just pissed the guy off more. Didn't he know that after a few hits, the dopamine and other natural painkillers kick in? I was pretty numb after a couple knocks to the head and had forgotten where the hell I was.
"thud" into my ribs "My grandmother hits harder than that."
"thud" a softer hit into my temple, I black out for a few seconds( I think it was seconds, I don't black out long usually)
"I've smelled diapers stronger than that"
"crack" a slap onto the side of my face, long numb by now. I was passed the point of sanity at this point. Every hit was a pleasure.
"Do you go to school to learn to hit like a girl?"
This was getting fun, Had he ever met a sadomasochist before?
I heard the cell door open, followed by a voice yelling "What the hell are you doing?"
I replied to the voice in an insane rasping voice "Whos interrupting the scene? I didn't call red yet!"
I was delirious out of my mind now. I had never had such an intense scene before and was really getting into it! I loved the thuddy and hated stingy, and this was all thuddy.
"Get him down and take him to Pycelle" I heard an angry voice growl
"I wasn't done yet motherfucker" I yelled
"Wait your turn" I growled.
I hate DMs always getting in the way of a good scene.
I saw a white blob in front of me and kicked at it.
"He's definitely a Lannister"
And then I blacked out for awhile.
"Why is my squire beaten half to death in the black cells?" I asked looking at my Grandchild.
"He refused an order from the Prince" offered the hound.
I feel my face get hot and my hands shake. I point to the hound "Get out" he bows and leaves.
Joffery looks paler than usual and is silent for once.
Jamie looks at me "Hes tougher than he looks, took a lot of torture and gave out nothing but insults in return. Pounder said he went at him as hard as he could with out breaking bones for three hours."
Cersei is also pale, Martyn looks just like her brother. She had seen what he looks like after he was taken to Maester Pycelle. "Well? Why did this happen?" I asked again.
Cersei replied "A mistake that won't happen again, Father" "Joffery has learned his lesson."
Joffery nods silently.
Ugh. I must have drank and smoked something bad last night. I feel horrible. My head aches and my mind still feels foggy.
What was I doing last night?
Then the memory returned. Met the Prince, Got my ass kicked, Saved by a white cloak. Just about sums it up.
I groaned. "Awake young Master?"
"Give me a fucking moment" was my reply.
"More milk of the poppy?"
In and out of dreams.
Awake for moments to eat, then dreams again.
A squirrel stole my spaghetti dammit, and ran out the window with it.
I cursed up a storm to the red blob that visited me.
I cursed at the white blob after that for interrupting my scene. "Pig fucking pussy piece of shit" was the first thing that comes to mind.
Milk of the poppy was a powerful drug.
In a few weeks, I was weaned off the heroin. No one visited during this time, by my own request. I have a foul mouth with my conscious mind can't control the raging inferno that in my subconscious. No need to start trouble by calling the queen an incestuous bitch, which I apparently did at one point. She was the red blob.
The bruises had faded and no ribs were broken thankfully. I would have a scar on my right eyebrow for the rest of this life though. At least no one takes what is said under the influence of milk of the poppy seriously or take insult to it. when I had regained strength enough to walk, I walked to the throne room of the Red Keep.
What happened was still technically my fault and I knew what had to be done if I was going to come out of this one on top.
I was heralded to the King and knelt before the King.
"I apologize for my rudeness to your son, Prince Joffery Baratheon and beg forgiveness for my actions. I was out of line for not answering his question when he asked."
I must have picked a bad time to apologize because what I got was. "Get the King-slayer out of my sight"
Drunk asshole. I must really look like that white cloaked bastard.
Next was to Queen Cersei
"I apologize for my unkind words to you a couple of weeks ago and for my rudeness to your son and beg forgiveness for my actions against you and dishonoring our house."
"You didn't do anything wrong dear boy and there is nothing to apologize for you did not dishonor the house of Lannister, Joffery dishonored the house of Baratheon with his actions and has been suitably punished"
"Punished? Your grace?"
"Yes, His whipping boy received 20 lashes as punishment" Bastards...
"Why don't you have some tea with me?" she asked smiling at me in a very non-family-like way.
If I was really 13 or knew nothing about her, I might have fallen for it. I unfortunately for her had read the books and knew her better than her brother or father did.
"I am sorry, I must get back to to my Lord sooner, rather than later. I hope you stay as beautiful as you are forever and bid you good day your grace"
That stupefied the shit out out of her, I don't think anyone has ever turned her down before, let alone so nicely. I took the chance to bow low and back out of her solar. before she snapped out of it. I must really look like the white cloaked Sister-fucker. She may be able to seduce Lancel Rainbow knight fucking Lannister, my brother, But she wouldn't get me. Hell no.
Back to Casterly Rock where plan B is needed, I had just ruined plan A.
Plan B was going to be a lot more difficult.
I was really getting into this now though, by the time it is 300 A.L. , I would be in much better position to flee than now.
I had also learned a lesson. Take a few guards with me everywhere, even to the bathroom.
If I were anyone else, I would be brooding like a vampire over the beating I received at the order of the stupid blond cousin of mine. I am lucky enough to know his fate though and hold no hard feelings. How can you plot a better death than the one he will receive in a few years?
He dies on his wedding day, a virgin, choking on his own liquefied innards. I doubt I could beat G.R.R.M's cruelty.
I could try though.
Every Self Insert fan fiction I have ever read, has the author doing heroic and plot changing stuff, saving the characters they like and becoming ultimate bad-asses. I am not so stupid as to tempt fat in such a way, I want to keep on living. My self-preservation instincts are strong.
I feel the time until it gets really dangerous around here approaching. My instincts are telling me to flee to the hills. I look too much like the sister-layer to be safe anywhere once the shit hits the fan.
Its hard not to laugh in Tywin's face when he is impressed with Disney ripoffs.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"The Lion Prince?" I asked
"Yes, my Lord. I wrote it for Prince Joffery as an apology, I hope he likes it." Said my favorite nephew.
"It is the best book I have ever read, I am sure he will enjoy it." I told him
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It has been 6 months since I visited King's Landing. Plans for escape were abandoned. A year of manipulating people and living with savages without telephones had changed me.
You become attached when having power over people, and as they say, power corrupts. I no longer had any plans of hiding in tropical paradise, I would vacation there with a fleet of beautiful girls and mountains of gold.
I now am a knight. The youngest in two centuries. I am also considered an adult now and receive monthly tribute from the many gold mines in the Lannister lands. For more gold than I could carry, every phrase 'rich as a Lannister' comes to mind.
I am now released from the the duties of a squire and can make my own decisions on how to use my gold.
Having no lands or titles, being a third son and all, I decided to go into the merchant business. My oldest brother has yet to take his vows to the faith and my twin is not murdered by the Karstarks yet.
I asked for and received 30 Lannister guardsmen without families for my first trip alone, there are thousands and 30 is a small tithe. I traveled the gold road the King's Landing, there I haggled with a Mryish Captain for the price of a voyage to Pentos for myself, my water dancer, and, guards. my guardsmen were for the chest of gold dragons I was bringing with me, not myself.
It took a week to sail out of Blackwater bay and another week to set my feet down in Pentos. According the the rumors my guards heard, the Dothraki had been here a month before and left.
Time was ticking.
I would have gone to the Summer Isles, but, I got the scent of gold up my nose and it was clouding my common sense.
I was rich. Ha ha!I needed to be richer to survive what was coming in the books and
I bought a small manse in Pentos and got a feel for the city. It was more primitive and disgusting then Westeros to my 21st century morality. I can understand the weird hair styles and obviously corrupt ruling council in such a primitive culture. Human sacrifice on the other hand? Fuck no, I'm not staying here. Karma is a bitch and these guys have it coming just like the Westrosi.
I had my guards take a male teen orphan each as an 'assistant' off the streets of that cheese mongering flea pit. I made them shave their heads and start learning the Common tongue and practice with the sword. I didn't need an army, just some guards that can fight off bandits when I need to ship something from Pentos. I fed them well, gave them a day off every week. After I bought the teens and guards 3 pleasure slaves from the Pentos markets for them to share, I was considered the best master they had ever heard of.
Young men are far too easy to lead around by their dicks.
I left 20 guards in my manse in Pentos to guard the gold there and drill the local orphans in Westrosi swordplay.
I sailed back to King's Landing with a ship full of Pentoshi servants and Myrish silk, bought with my own gold. I sold it all in minutes off the ship, they love the subservience of servants from the free cities and the ladies of King's Landing were always short on silk.
Jon Arryn had died 2 weeks previous and the royal court had hit the King's road a few days previous to my landing.
Time was flying fast.
It was having to much fun being a rich merchant to stop.
The expenses of my manse and voyage were bade back from the sale I and returned home to Darry, where the tribute to the branch house of Darry Lannisters is sent. My mother and father were happy to see me again. I stayed for a week and visit with them and see my newborn sister.
I collected the tributes of the tributes given in the few months I was gone and left in a hurry. Not need for someone to find out I had this much gold with me.
The need was to find a place to lay low for awhile and make some more money. The quality of life in the world was in this order.
#5 Summer isles
I would need to have a-lot of gold to work my way up to living in absolute luxury and power.
Could I have used this gold to help feed the poor or send an army of supplies and soldiers to the wall? Yes.
Was I going to? No.
Did I care what happens to the people of Westeros? Yes.
Did I care enough? No.
And this is where the real story begins.