"Maya... Maya... Hello, is anyone in there? Earth to Maya!"
Phoenix sighed and folded his arms. He'd wanted to talk to Maya, but upon entering the office that morning, he'd found her staring intently at his computer screen, reading some wall of text. "What's the point of having an assistant," he mumbled to himself, "if she just sits around hogging my technology and not responding to a word I say?"
Slightly frustrated, Phoenix kicked the legs of Maya's (technically his) chair, but still failed to illicit a response. He cleared his throat.
"Maya Fey, if you do not turn around and talk to me right now, I will never buy you burgers again."
Still no response. Obviously, desperate measures were called for. Phoenix adjusted his collar, put on his best courtroom face, took a deep breath, and yelled...
"'The Steel Samurai' is a dumb show!"
"WHAAAAT?!" Suddenly, Phoenix felt a jarring pain as Maya lept up and tackled him to the ground. "Take that back, Nick!" she screamed, pounding her fists on his chest, rather like a small child throwing a tantrum. "You don't know anything! 'The Steel Samurai' is the epitome of culture!"
Phoenix moaned. "Yes, yes! Obviously. I was only joking! C'mon, let me up!"
Maya stood up, huffed indignantly, and crossed her arms. "You shouldn't joke about these things, Nick! People might get offended."
Phoenix sighed and stood up, smoothing the wrinkles in his suit. The things I have to do to get her attention...
"Anyway, Maya, there was something I wanted to ask you about..." Phoenix stopped. Something on the computer screen had caught his attention. "Um, what're you reading?"
"Oh! Uh, nothing..." Maya stammered.
Phoenix raised an eyebrow. "Well, obviously it's not nothing; if it was, you wouldn't be getting so worked up over it."
Maya blushed a little. "Ha ha, I guess there's no fooling you, huh?" She shrugged her shoulders and sighed. "Well, if you really want to know... it's a 'Steel Samurai' fanfiction."
Phoenix cringed. "Sorry I asked."
"Hey!" Maya crossed her arms angrily. "Don't give me that look! It's not just any fanfiction; this is THE fanfiction. It's famous all over the Internet! Plus, the writing's so good, people say the author might be one of the actual 'Steel Samurai' screenwriters! I've even heard rumors that they're planning on making it into a mini-series..."
Phoenix rolled his eyes. "Maya, if this guy's job was to write 'Steel Samurai' stories, why would he feel the need to write fanfiction about his own material?"
Maya huffed. "You don't know his life! Maybe he feels pressured by the producers and wants to elaborate on the fandom! Besides, while it's not rated M or anything, there's a certain... intellectual elegance and subtlety to it that younger readers would definitely not appreciate."
"Wow, Maya..." Phoenix said, slightly stunned. "If this fanfiction is teaching you to use big words like that, I certainly can't object to it!"
"Hey! You don't think I can use big words?!"
Hmm, I'd better 'plead the fifth' on that one... Phoenix thought to himself. Wanting to change the topic, he hurriedly asked, "So, what's this thing called, anyway?"
Maya happily clasped her hands. "The title is 'Warrior of Great Justice!' The newest chapter just came out today, actually, so I was just finishing it when you came in. I've read every single chapter, so I've gotta keep up with all the updates!" Maya gave a little sigh. "The story is just so touching..."
"Right. Well, I certainly wouldn't want to disturb you, but this is kind of MY office..." Phoenix grumbled. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. "Oh, hey, I almost forgot. I gotta ask you something..."
Maya blinked. "Didn't you ask me something already?"
"This is a different something!" Phoenix scratched his head. "Well, uh, you know how your birthday is next week...?"
Maya nodded. "Yep, on Tuesday!"
Phoenix fidgeted. "Right. Um, so, if someone were to, let's say, get you a present... uh, hypothetically, what would you want?"
"You're asking me what I want for my birthday?" Maya paused for a moment in thought. "Well, gee, Nick, I really don't know... Ooh! I got it!" She clasped her hands. "Make it something creative! And special!"
"Whaa- ?! Maya, that does not help me at all!"
"Geez, everything is always about you, isn't it, Nick?" Maya huffed in mock frustration. "Come on, don't look so frustrated!" She winked mischievously. "You can turn this situation around!"
"...Please don't say things just to get in buzzwords..." Phoenix sighed. "Alright. I'll come up with something." He glanced at the clock. "Can you hold down the fort for about an hour? I just remembered that I need to go get... milk."
Maya raised an eyebrow. "'...Milk', eh? Sure, no problem!"
Phoenix grabbed his jacket and headed for the door. "Alright, I'll be back in a few." As he opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, he heard Maya call out after him.
"Nick! Don't think you can get away with just treating me to burgers!"
Phoenix's heart sank. Dang it. How did she know?!
Twenty minutes later, Phoenix had circled the park twice desperately wracking his brain for birthday-present-inspiration and still hadn't come up with anything. Frustrated and slightly peeved, he sat down on a park bench and held his head in his hands. "Let's see... what does Maya like?" he muttered to himself. "Burgers... that's out. She's completely obsessed with Steel Samurai... but she said to be creative. I bet everybody just gets her Steel Samurai stuff... how could I be creative...?"
Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. A crazy thought. A completely irrational, illogical, impossible thought. "She wants creativity, huh?" he smiled to himself. Feeling empowered, he stood up and pointed at the closest tree. "I'm gonna find the guy who writes that Steel Samurai fanfic and get his autograph or something!" he shouted. "And it's gonna be the most creative birthday present anybody's ever seen! TAKE THAT!"
"Huh?" Phoenix turned around, only to find his courtroom archrival, Miles Edgeworth, staring at him with a facial expression that could only be described as, 'I've swallowed something sour.'
"Wright..." Edgeworth raised an eyebrow. "Pardon the intrusion, but I don't believe that tree will ever be on trial for anything, so cease and desist. I hear enough of your 'TAKE THAT!' in court."
Phoenix grumbled. "Says the man who just shouted 'HOLD IT!' from five feet away."
Edgeworth shook his finger. "Tsk, tsk. Trivialities." He crossed his arms. "I believe what's most important at the moment is that you've assigned yourself an impossible task."
Phoenix bristled slightly. "What do you mean, 'impossible'?"
Edgeworth shrugged. "I'm simply saying that, even with the most advanced technology, it would be terribly difficult to find the author of one obscure Internet-based fanfiction. Especially for a man of such mediocre skill as yourself."
"What?!" Phoenix fumed. "Just what is your problem, Edgeworth? I thought we agreed to save the trash-talk for the courtroom!"
Edgeworth raised an eyebrow. "I don't recall making any such agreement..."
Phoenix shrugged. "Eh... it was worth a shot." He scratched his head. Something about the prosecutor's demeanor was bothering him. "You know, it seems like you're awfully interested in this for somebody who just happened to be passing by..."
For a moment, it seemed like Edgeworth's face turned a shade paler than usual. "Alright, I'll revise my statement," he said, composure firmly back in place. "Your skills are not mediocre. They are abysmal." As he turned to leave, Edgeworth graced Phoenix with a surly glare. "Give it up, Wright," he said, then turned on his heel and strode briskly off.
"You know that only makes me want to try even harder!" Phoenix shouted after him, but if Edgeworth heard, he didn't respond. Phoenix slumped back down onto the bench. "Stupid Edgeworth," he muttered. "What does he know? Probably never read a fanfiction in his life..."
Still, there was truth in the prosecutor's warning. Phoenix knew it would be difficult to find this mystery author. Despite that, he felt confident that he'd pull something together. He'd faced tougher mysteries in court, after all. And he really did want to do something special for Maya...
"Alright, Warrior of Great Justice!" he shouted. "Look out; Phoenix Wright is on the case!"