This will be my last story for some time. My depression has resurfaced and zapped me of all my energy making it more difficult to do things other than stare out my window when I'm home from work. I apologize to everyone who enjoy my stories and want to read as many new ones as I can. I do have a few ideas for new stories but no desire to write them. This one was almost done so I finished it and give it to all of you with my deepest gratitude. Thank you for enjoying my stories and I hope I don't lose too many of you while I focus on fighting the depression once again.
Warnings: This is a sad story with a happy ending that I've always wanted but was never blessed with. Yaoi (MaleXMale)
To experience life from behind glass would have been an easier life than what I've called my life. Day after day it's the same monotonous life. Wake up, go to work, come home, either work some more or stare out a window and lastly attempt to eat and sleep. Some days I am successful while other days I fail like the failure I am. No amount of good could ever erase the amount of cruel, evil things I've done. Even though I have changed, no one has the patience to care or see me for me. I pull my legs up and pressed my head against the cold glass. The bay window in the living room was never meant to be sat in for so long, but I no longer cared about comfort. Fall was slowly changing into winter. I sighed and watched the last leaf fall from the tree in front of the window. I was always glad to have it fully bloomed and full of life during spring and summer, but in the winter, it looked as bare and dead as I felt. The blue eyes I once called my best feature had long since darkened like the winter sky.
I picked the blanket up and draped it over my head, wrapping my cold body in its warmth, wishing it was the arms of someone that loved me. I placed my hand over my heart, feeling the weight of it against my lungs. My breath hitched as my heart skipped a beat. How much longer until it beats no more? I felt pathetic and no older than a child even though I was in my twenties. In fact, when I was a child, I was much stronger than I am now. Through our abandonment at the orphanage and all of Gozaburo's mental abuse, I never once lost track of my goal. Who would have thought that even after taking over the company I would lose track of myself, becoming further and further away from the world? I drowned myself into darkness that not even Yugi's dark half was able to cure completely. A darkness that soon became my life.
I may have thought I won against Gozaburo, but it turned out that I lost. He took my heart and goodness with him to the grave. For awhile, my little brother remained loyal to me even though I turned my back on him several times. I desperately wanted to hold him and keep him safe, but now I know I was the one putting him in danger. He should be safe with Yugi. At least he would be able to have love and affection in his life. I never learned how to show love and affection to anyone. I could protect Mokuba from anyone and give him anything his needs physically, but the mental reassurance that he needed would never come from me. Now, with Mokuba gone, I craved things I never thought I needed. By now, it was too late. I have lived too many years cruel to every person. No one would ever want me or believe that I've changed and wanted give love and affection as badly as I wanted to receive it.
My eyes became heavy with fatigue. It had been several days since I've slept for more than an hour or ate anything more than a piece of fruit. I don't remembering falling asleep against the window. It would be the third night in the row I did something like that. The third night without Mokuba's presence in the house. I opened my eyes and stared at the frosty window, attempting to figure out what woke me. I didn't have a dream or a nightmare. There was no one left in the house to make any sort of noise. Suddenly a loud dong sounded from the foyer. I lifted my head slowly. The doorbell? It must have been another reporter wanting to interview me. Apparently the news of Mokuba moving out of his cruel brother's mansion was the hottest news. I sat there debating on ignoring the hideous doorbell or actually walking to the door and telling them that if they wanted an interview they had to set it up with my secretary. Thoughts of the person not being a reporter remained free of my mind. I had no friends and if Mokuba was returning he wouldn't ring the doorbell. None of my staff visited me after I left the office. Who else could it be?
The doorbell continued to ring and showed no signs of stopping before I answered it. I groaned, moving my sore body out of the window and over to the front door. If they really wanted my attention they could have looked at me through the window. I wiped the wetness from my cheeks, wondering what I dreamt about that caused tears to fall. I didn't care what I looked like, but I never wanted them to get a picture of me with tearstained cheeks. I made my way over to the door. Usually I stomped there and ripped the door open with enough force to tear it from the hinges just to yell at the person, but I didn't have the strength any longer. All I had left were these dark feelings of loneliness and regret.
Once I reached the door, I could see the shadow of just one person through the stain glass window. I opened the door and stared up at the person on the other side. My breath hitched. "Jounouchi," I mumbled. He smiled nervously at me scratching his untamed blond hair. His honey eyes darted everywhere but my eyes.
"Hey, Kaiba, I was...I..." he paused and finally met my eyes, "Oh gods, he was right."
I leaned against the door, not wanting to attempt at translating Jounouchi. "Do you have a purpose here?"
"Yugi said we should be focusing more on you than Mokuba. He said that when Mokuba calmed down and thought more clearly that he would understand what happened. May I come in?"
I moved away from the door and allowed him through the threshold. Even though Jounouchi and I never got along, I wanted someone here with me tonight. I feared that my mind would become numb, and I would find myself doing something I never intended. I shut the door, leaving it unlocked like the passed few nights, hoping that someone would come and slit my throat in my sleep. I moved back to the bay window and sat wrapped in my blanket again. Jounouchi moved beside me, glancing about the room. I knew the room was clean and full of decoration. It was cold without the fireplace lit and growing darker with the setting sun. Jounouchi's warm hand touched my shoulder. I glanced at it before meeting his eyes. "It's too cold here. Come sit with me on the sofa."
Without even arguing I rose and moved over to the black leather sofa that sat directly in front of the window at an angle that it faced the fireplace and the entertainment stand. Something about Jounouchi's calm presence was enough to follow his wishes. I sat on the one side of the sofa still wrapped in the blanket. He carefully sat beside me as if afraid I would run from him. He slowly slid closer to me until he was a few centimeters away. I didn't show any signs of wanting to push him away or pull him closer. I still couldn't believe that he was here. Out of all of Yugi's friends I pictured showing up on my doorstep, Jounouchi was the last on the list. "Will you tell me what happened the night Mokuba left?"
"Didn't he tell you the story?"
"Yes, but I want to hear it from you."
I sighed and leaned my head back. Jounouchi was being more respectable to me than usual. I stared at the white ceiling, wondering if I should make it any other color in the future. The night Mokuba left was and will always be fresh in my mind. I would never forget the hurt expression on his face nor the pain of watching him walk out the door with no intentions of returning. "That day was the same as any other day," I began. "He was complaining that I work too much and eat and sleep too little lately. It seemed like a conversation that we always had but something was different that day. I was exhausted and Mokuba's patience ended. The argument was shorter and ended differently. He packed up his things and walked out the door without looking back. He deserves better than this life. At least with Yugi he could feel the love I could never give him. I'll send Yugi monthly checks. I promise." I closed my eyes, wondering if Mokuba or Yugi would accept them or would they want to cut ties completely.
"Yugi wouldn't care about money. He's worried about you and sent me here while he tried talking with Mokuba again. Does Mokuba know why you work so much and eat and sleep so little?"
I glanced at him and slid further into the sofa with my legs pulled firmly against my chest. I didn't care if he saw my weakness, and he didn't tease me about it. "Probably."
"Did you ever tell him the real reason?"
I closed my eyes, finally feeling warm wrapped up in the blanket with Jounouchi so close to me. "No. He wouldn't understand."
"Would you tell me?"
My head slipped and fell against his shoulder. He didn't shake me off and I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe having his presence would help me with these horrible feelings. "You may not believe me."
"I don't like being feared or thought of as the cruelest man to live, but I know I'm that person." Jounouchi shifted slightly and my head feel from his shoulder and landed in his lap. I didn't have the willpower or the energy to lift myself up from that. His fingers ran through my hair, gently untangling the tied strands. My breath hitched and my throat tightened. The sensation was soothing and I found myself craving more. I never wanted him to stop. Tears filled my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. "H-" I tried to spit my next sentence out but it seemed stuck in my through. "He used to never believe that I wasn't cruel. He would always blame it on Gozaburo's influence and swore that if we were never adopted that I wouldn't have stopped smiling, but he is wrong. He was too young to remember our aunts and uncles that drained our inheritance before dumping us like trash at that orphanage. My cruel nature started then and only became worst with Gozaburo."
My voice was strained and the tears started to fall, but I didn't care about either of that. The only thing that meant something to me was the fingers that glided through my hair and the warmth of the lap below me. I placed my fingers on his knee and half buried my face into his thigh. "My life was over the second my mother died. I had the responsibility to take care of my brother and ensure that he grew up happy and never starved for anything. I always gave him everything except the love and affection he needed. I remembered the love my parents gave me, but not much of it. After my father died and just before Mokuba was born was when I noticed the longing in my mother's eyes. She wanted to join my father. And, when she died, I knew she was with my father. I was happy for her, but miserable at the same time. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's how I felt."
Jounouchi's other hand reached for mine and intertwined our fingers without stopping his caress of my hair. "What makes you think your life was over after your mother died?"
"I had Mokuba to take care of and even if Gozaburo survived, I wouldn't have a life. He would have driven me to an early grave with Mokuba's happiness hanging over my head forever. At least with him gone, I was able to control our life and give him everything he wanted. If only I would have noticed that he wanted my love sooner. I thought I was fulfilling that with doing everything for him, but it wasn't what he wanted. He wanted more from me than I knew how to give. I know that Yugi will be able to give him everything he needs. I've seen how close he was with his grandfather and how often they embraced. I could never hug him with all my heart and soul. I have neither to give to him."
"That is a lie. You have both a heart and a soul."
I turned and looked up at him. "And how do you figure that?"
"A blind man can see you have a heart and soul just by looking at you now and listening to you." He continued to stroke my hair. "You need to talk to Mokuba like this. He's not a small child anymore. He'll understand and will help you through this."
I turned again and buried my face into his stomach, enjoying the scent of him. I whimpered slightly and curled against him. "I can't"
Jounouchi sighed and pulled me until I sat in his lap. He looked at me in the eyes. "I didn't mean right now. Right now you need to help yourself. When was the last time you ate?"
"I was before you came."
I nodded to the window. "I've been sleeping in the window."
Jounouchi sighed and placed his hand against my cheek. "Will you eat something for me?"
I thought for a few minutes staring at his eyes. I nodded and slowly rose. I pulled on his hand, not wanting to separate from him yet. It felt ridiculously great having someone willing to be near me like this that I refused to give him up. I reached into the refrigerator and retrieved one of the dishes my chef made me for dinner. I threw it into the microwave and waited for it to heat up. "Will you share it with me?"
"Maybe. You need to eat most of it." He walked up to me and placed his hand on my chest. "I can feel your ribs."
The ding of the microwave brought my attention back to it. I ate more of the dinner than I thought and Jounouchi finished the rest. We didn't talk while I ate, but he sat next to me, touching me gently and making sure I knew he was there. I don't know whether it was my suggestion or his, but after dinner was finished and the dish lied forgotten in the sink, we were in my bedroom lying on the bed. His legs were wrapped around my legs and his arms were around my back. He played gently with my hair with one hand and the other twirled circles along his back. The sensation was enough to pull me into slumberland. I felt satisfied and at ease for the first time in a long time.
I felt myself drifting back into the real world, hearing a soft whisper from beside me. "No, he's been depressed for a long time. I assess that he would need help. I could but I don't know if he would want that. I just graduated. I would suggest that he goes to a psychologist that has more experience than me. Yeah, I know. If I promise to ask him later would you leave it at that? How's Mokuba? Good. He will. That's great, Yugi. I'll let him know later. Get some rest. I will. Good night, Yugi."
Jounouchi shifted next to me and kissed me on the forehead. "I can tell you're awake. Go back to sleep."
I glanced up at him. "You're a psychologist?"
"Sort of. I just graduated last month and got my license yesterday."
I pushed myself away from him and sat up on the bed. "Am I your first patient?"
I felt him wrap his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. "No. I recommend you going to see someone with more experience than me. Plus, I'm too close to you. It would be hard for me to separate my feelings."
I leaned my head against his shoulder. "Please tell me I'm not practice."
"No, you are my friend. I would never use you like that." He kissed my temple. "I've been noticing signs of depression from you lately and when Mokuba arrived at Yugi's house completely distraught, I figured your depression got worse. I just never realized that you were feeling neglected. I thought you and Mokuba loved each other enough to share that affection you both needed."
I turned around and looked at him. "I do love him! I love him more than anyone else in this world. I would do anything for him. Anything!"
"Even giving him up."
"He deserves better than what I can provide."
Jounouchi sighed and brushed my hair out of my eyes. "Don't you realize that you've been giving him love all along? He's not trying to break away from you. He's trying to help you, but you're not letting him. Answering me something. When Mokuba gets sick what do you do?"
I frowned and looked at him. What type of question was that? "I work from home and sleep in his room."
"Does he know you do that?"
"That's showing that you love him."
"If you didn't love him, you wouldn't be bothered missing work or sleeping in his room. When he fell and hurt himself as a child, did you kiss his bandage? How about right after your souls returned to your body? How many days did you spend in his room to help him sleep?"
"I haven't been much help lately."
"Has he been sick?"
"Has he been having bad dreams?"
"Did he fall and cut himself?"
"No, I don't get where you're going with this."
"He didn't need your comfort, but he was willing to give it back. Why didn't you let him? Did your pride get in the way? Do you still see him as a child?"
I growled and pushed Jounouchi down on the bed, straddling his hips. "Mokuba shouldn't have to take care of me. I'm more than capable of taking care of myself."
"Sure you are. Skipping meals and not sleeping isn't taking care of yourself. He's worried about you. He wanted to give you love back, but he didn't notice that it wasn't brotherly love you needed." He reached up with both of his hands and cupped my cheeks. "This is another reason why I can't be your doctor." He leaned up and gently kissed me.
I felt my body trembling and melting into his kiss. Everything in me screamed for more. I wanted it. I craved it. Lying down completely on top of him, I placed my hand in his hair and deepened the kiss. It felt too perfect to be wrong. We broke apart a few minutes later, both panting and face flushed. "Why?" I whispered.
"Because underneath that exterior you always have up, I knew you were a great person that doesn't know how to show love to anyone other than Mokuba. I should have seen it earlier. We all should have seen how much help you needed. I will give you all the love you need if you let me."
"I would like that," I whispered, rolling to his side. "Is Mokuba okay?" He embraced me just like he did earlier.
"Yes. He's calmed enough to notice what happened. He's very sorry and will probably squeeze you to death when he gets home tomorrow."
"He has no reason to be sorry. I should be the one apologizing for causing him unnecessary worry." He kissed me gently on the neck.
"You both will talk later, but for now, you need to sleep. Then, tomorrow I will make you anything you want for breakfast, okay?"
"Okay," I sighed and closed my eyes. He gently ran patterns in my back, coaxing me to sleep. Again, I felt myself falling into the darkness without fear. I wanted to keep Jounouchi close to me, and I could tell he didn't want to leave me either. It made me feel better knowing that at least one person that used to hate me was now able to see the real me and loved me. If only I could do that for everyone else. I smiled. If Jounouchi of all people like the real me, then I shouldn't have problems with anyone else.
I hoped the ending didn't seem too rushed. I was almost finished with it before this new wave of depression hit me. Thank you all again for always reading my stories and for your patience. Once I'm through this I should be back with a new story or two.