A/N: I'm re-posting this for JULES! Read it another hundred times girlie! xoxo
This one shot takes place after Chapter 31 in Divergent (which I recommend you re-read!). Thank you to Chonga for making the banner for this story. Thank you to my fabulous beta MariahajilE.
All characters belong to their creator. All original content published here belongs to me and may not be reproduced without my express written authorization.
It's one of those rare nights. I'm not as tired as I should be after a day of battling my darkest secrets in my fear landscape. Like Four, I dwell on them, wanting to eradicate them, even though I know that's impossible. No one is truly fearless.
I faced him today. Four approached me as he always does, wanting me to be with him that way. Even though I am aware that it's only a simulation and that I am safe, I can't bring myself to let my guard down. To be truly and deeply intimate with Four... even in a false reality.
The truth is I'm safe in the simulation, and I'm safe in real life. Tobias would never make me afraid. He would never push me to do something that I'm not ready to do.
How will I know when I'm ready? Maybe that's why I persist on facing that fear in the simulation. Maybe I'm looking for a sign that I'm ready.
I wander the halls, lost in my thoughts, and I somehow have found myself at Fours' door. The fact that I'm here is not as coincidental as I'd like to think. I miss him when I'm away from him, and when my mind is distracted, it is my heart that leads. And my heart has led me to his door.
I raise my hand to knock, and then I turn on my heel. It's Friday. I'm sure he's out having fun somewhere with someone...
I tell myself this, but it's not true, and I know it. He's in his room. Just beyond that door. I can see the light shining through the tiny crack between the door and the floor. He is in there, hoping that I will come and find him.
I hesitate, turning toward his door and then away again. I flinch when it suddenly opens, and there he is.
Barefoot. Tight black shirt. Loose black pants. Black leather belt. His hair is damp He must have showered recently. In his hand is a small sketch pad. He has a pencil tucked behind his ear.
"Hey. I thought I heard someone out here. I was just coming to look for you."
He doesn't think it's strange that I was hanging out by his door. He doesn't look surprised to see me, but I can see in his eyes and hear in his voice that he is glad I'm here.
"Am I interrupting you?" I ask, gesturing with my eyes toward his sketchbook.
"No." He chews at his lip and leans against the doorjamb. '"I'm just drawing up a new tattoo idea."
"Can I see it?" I ask.
"Sure." He opens the book to the page his finger was holding. It's an image of joined hands reaching out to hold each other across a divide.
He is quiet while I look at it.
One hand looks like his, and one looks like mine.
"I like it," I tell him.
"Good," he says. His face is serious, but his eyes are smiling.
"Tris, I have something I want you to see."
Behind him, I can see his bed. The place where I have both craved and feared being with him. For a moment, I see us lying there, tangled, together, naked.
"Tris?" he says, bringing me back to reality. "Or we can stay here if you want. I'm sure we could find something to keep us busy." His blue eyes twinkle.
I swallow hard. His voice sounds like he's joking, but there's something about the way he said it that makes think he's not. That he wants me to come inside and lay beside him. That he wants me to let him do all the things I'm sure he has fantasized about doing with me.
I know he wants me that way, because he tells me. Sometimes when we kiss, he whispers things, and his hands become more bold...
I can feel my heart pounding.
He steps toward me. "Hey, it's okay," he says. My face must have shown more worry than I intended to.
He slips a bit of my hair behind my ear with his finger, and his thumb runs across my cheek. Then, he turns away and slips on his shoes. When he takes my hand, I follow where he leads me.
Outside, the night air is cool. We head for the tracks, and I look to my right, waiting to see the lights approach. I feel the adrenaline begin to rise as I prepare to run beside the moving train.
Four shakes his head. "We're not taking the train," he says.
He steps across the rails, and I follow him. The rising moon illuminates the night just enough for me to see where we are going. I watch him as he walks confidently to his destination. I watch his back, the way he moves...
There is a pile of rubble that appears as if it has been arranged to look like it has been there for ages, but I can tell by the way the dirt has been disturbed that is not the case.
Four dives into the rubble, moving heavy pieces, his arms flexing as he does so.
He grabs what looks like a broken hunk of metal and hoists it up to his waist. As I look closer, I see that its a bicycle.
There are two of them.
A smile emerges on my face when I begin to understand what he has planned.
"I found them the other day. They're pretty beat up, but I thought you might like to take a ride with me. The brakes don't work, though."
I shrug. This doesn't phase me. I'm Dauntless, and so is Tobias.
I walk toward him, and he holds the bike out for me. I take the handlebars and straddle it. Tobias looks at me the way he does in my fear landscape. With wanting.
We're about to go for a ride, in darkness, on bikes with no brakes. I'm feeling bold. So I lean in and kiss him.
My lips just touch his, and I think of the day I met him. When he helped me out of the netting after I jumped off the roof. After I literally jumped into this life, leaving my old one behind. I kiss him harder when I think about how thankful I am that I did, that I was brave enough. He kisses me deeply, and I feel him place his hand on my waist. I want to be brave now.
Tobias' tongue touches mine, and my hand reaches up to graze his cheek.
As I touch him, he breaks free, perhaps because he is used to doing it. He smiles at me, but I see how hard it was for him to stop. I feel it.
The full moon has risen and casts a pale and eerie light over the pothole-ridden road. Four rides slowly at first until I am keeping pace with him. He smiles at me. Then he goes faster.
He doesn't slow down again. He knows that I don't need him to, and the confidence he has in me makes me want him even more. It makes me love him even more, even though I haven't told him that, yet.
The wind smells sweet, like rain is coming soon. It blows over our bodies as we speed through it. We race past crumbling buildings. The street is flat, but it begins to descend into a hill. I feel my skin tingle as gravity takes hold, pulling Four and me even faster. I see him graze one foot on the ground to keep himself at a manageable pace. I should do the same, but I don't.
I like the way this feels. The freedom.
This is why I jumped off that roof.
This is why I love being Dauntless.
I pedal faster as Four falls behind, slowing himself down to be safe on the hill.
"Tris! Take it easy!" he shouts in a deep warning voice.
I giggle as the old bike begins to rattle from the speed. My forearms shake as I grip the now vibrating handlebars. I maneuver around potholes, but I startle when I see an old abandoned car in a ditch up ahead. I can't stop, and I can't swerve around it.
I slip my foot from the pedal to make contact with the concrete in an effort to slow myself down as Four did, but it doesn't work. I'm going too fast. The handlebars sway as I try to slow down, and I lose control.
I'm going to crash. Just as when we have to jump off the train,I tuck my shoulder and roll as I hit the pavement. As I come to a stop, I feel the burn in my shoulder and feel the scrapes on my palms. I lie on my back assessing the damage. Luckily, that's all there is. I feel grass beneath me and find that I have landed in an overgrown yard beside someone's old house.
I hear his bike drop next to me, and then he's on his knees beside me.
He grabs my face in his hands and looks me over.
"Did you get hurt?" He looks angry.
He gets up and walks a few feet away, his back to me, his hands on his hips.
His chest heaves as he catches his breath, and I know he's upset. I stand and brush myself off, then walk over and stand beside him.
He drops his ink covered arms, and his deep blue eyes bore into mine.
"I'm not mad at you if that made you feel good, Tris. That's why I invited you to come with me. But there's a difference between being brave and being reckless."
A leader. A teacher. But he can also be so vulnerable.
I reach for his hand, my fingertips flirting with his. I'm tentative, but he is not. He envelops my hand in his and pulls me along side him. We walk toward the decrepit house and sit on the rotten porch steps.
"It did feel good," I tell him. He's still holding my hand.
He nods, chewing on his lip, his eyes straight ahead.
I look at our hands. "I really liked that sketch you drew. Where are you going to get it?"
"Here." He points to his heart.
And mine beats.
I don't know how it begins, but we are kissing. And it's not gentle.
I put the palm of my hand over the piece of his skin that he just pointed to. His heart.
He places his hand over mine and holds it there. It's warm.
His other hand runs through my hair toward the back of my neck, keeping my mouth pressed to his. I feel his heart beating, and rising up inside of me are two things: love and bravery. One I have to tell him. And one I am going to show him.
And maybe they are the same thing. Maybe you can't have one without the other.
I pull my lips from his and look him straight in the eye. I won't be coy. I won't be afraid.
"Tobias. I love you."
His eyes smile before his lips do. And he leans into me again, hovering his mouth just over mine.
"I knew that," he says. He tilts my chin so that I'm looking at him. "But, Tris," he rubs his nose against mine, "I so wanted to hear you say it."
He takes my hands and pulls me up. I lean back against the wall of the house, and he places his hands on either side of my head.
"What did you think when you first saw me? The day that I jumped into Dauntless?" I ask him.
"I thought that you were beautiful."
Beautiful is something that I am not. I am plain. Just an average girl. But Tobias has never seen me that way.
He kisses me lightly, his warm and wet lips taking just one of mine between them. "...and strong..."
Another kiss, and his hands on my ribs. "..and I thought about how I had never wanted to know someone the way that I wanted to know you."
My hands over his guiding them under my shirt. His sharp breath in when he feels my skin. His hands become greedy and run over my breasts. His lips on my neck.
"I thought about how I wanted you to make it. I wanted to protect you, even though you have shown me time and again that you don't need me to."
Hot and wet sucking at my neck, hands touching me. His lips gone, his face before me, serious and loving.
"I wanted to keep you safe and close to me," he says.
And I reach down lifting the hem of my shirt, pulling it over my head and showing myself to him, where my heart beats for him.
He looks me over reverently before he speaks. "Tris..."
I shake my head, placing a finger over his lips."Tobias... I am not afraid."
He knows what I mean when I say this, and he searches my eyes for a clue that I don't mean it. All he finds is certainty.
He slips his arm around my waist, pulling me against his strong and warm body. He pushes the front door, but it doesn't budge. He lets me go and kicks it in. The old wood easily gives way to his force.
We don't stop to explore or look around. There is a big soft couch in the living room, and that is where he takes me.
I lie on my back, my skin prickling from the cold night air as he removes my pants for me. I watch him swiftly slide his shirt over his head and shoulders. He moves slower when he takes off his pants, as he takes off everything and stands naked before me.
Skin that was cold becomes hot as he lowers himself over me, and I run my hands over his ink, over each tattoo that I have memorized.
And he kisses me. I feel him between my legs, but he doesn't try to get inside me yet. He rubs himself over me, and it feels good, but it just makes me want him more.
It makes me burn.
I shift so that he is perfectly poised to enter me, and his eyes flash to mine. He is waiting for me to panic, to stop him, but I won't. I don't want to.
I hold his shoulders and move my hips up toward him. His tip presses inside of me, and I watch him. I watch his face become euphoric and grateful.
And then he moves.
It's hard, and it stretches me, but it is more pleasure than pain. And I am still watching his face. He bites his lips, and I want it. I reach my hands up to his neck, into his hair, and I pull his mouth to mine.
He sighs as we kiss, and he begins to move less gingerly. "Tris..." He says my name against my ear, and I nibble at his. I feel his strong arms with my hands as he braces himself over me. His body against mine becomes more frantic, and I move myself to match his speed.
"Is this okay?" he asks in a breathy and panting voice.
"Yes," I tell him. And then I look at him. "I love you. Tobias, you feel so good."
He kisses me hard with crazy abandon. His hands on my hips, my breasts, my neck. He stops kissing me and slows down.
"I never want this to end," he says smiling.
"Neither do I."
Now we move slowly together, not rushing to meet any end. Just enjoying being this close to each other. He tells me he loves me, and I tell him the same. He is tender with me. He gazes into my eyes, and I look back into his deep and thoughtful blue. It feels like we are speaking even though no words are shared.
His lips, his tongue against mine, his teeth grazing my neck. His big hands on my body, in my hair. His movements so slow and thrilling inside me.
I feel something beginning to flutter and rise, spreading through me. A feeling that I have never felt, but I recognize it all the same.
"Tobias," I say, and he searches my eyes until he sees on my face what I am trying to tell him.
He begins to move frantically once again knowing that that's what I want from him now. I didn't think that being with him this way could possibly feel any better than it does right now, with his skin on my skin and our bodies so close.
But it does. This flutter is a storm, and my body begins to move separately from my brain. I wriggle and writhe as he swivels his hips into mine, watching my face and moving until he sees what I like. I groan and sigh, and what was building inside of me breaks. And it's like I'm breaking open, like I'm breaking apart. Like we are becoming a part of each other. Nothing has ever or will ever feel this good.
We lie here, talking and being quiet, kissing and touching.
"So you are Six now," he says almost proudly. "You have one less fear to face in your landscape."
I laugh and nod and kiss him. I was brave enough. I love him enough. And I am happy that I gave myself to him this way.
I tell him that I want to get the tattoo he drew. That I want it right above my heart, just like pulls me against his chest, and we lay there together with him stroking my hair until rain begins to softly fall outside. The sound brings us back, out of this beautiful place, back into reality.
"We have to go," he says, and I nod.
The rain is cool and gentle, not punishing. We get back on our bikes and ride beside each other.
On the horizon, lightning flashes and thunder booms. I feel the electricity swirling around us.
Four feels it, too. He rises up on his bike and screams back at the thundering sky. It's not an angry sound but a joyful one, and I join him. Riding beside him, keeping his pace, I rise up and shout, pedaling faster down the slick street.
The wind whips around us as we descend another steep hill. We should be afraid, but we are not. We are Four and Six. We are joined together. We are in love. We are Dauntless.