ALAN (frantically): Donnie! Donnie! Charlie has been kidnapped!
DON (wearily): What, already? It's only Monday! I thought they'd give us at least a couple of days off..
ALAN (harshly): This is all your fault, you know!
DON: Yeah, I know, I know…it's my fault for letting him work with me. And for going cross country after college so he couldn't work with me. Never quite got the logic there…and for not being a good enough brother and meeting all his needs always. And for global warming.
ALAN (chidingly): Donnie. No one ever said you were responsible for global warming.
DON (cheering slightly): No? Gee, that's a relief. I just assumed…I mean, as long I was responsible for everything else…
ALAN (sternly): That's because you were only thinking of yourself, when everyone knows you should only be thinking of Charlie.
DON (sighing): Right…
ALAN: So what are we going to do about this kidnapping?
DON: Well, I think the drill is that I'm supposed to feel incredibly guilty (and people say we're not Jewish!) and work myself into the ground worrying about Charlie until I magically find him - but not until after he's been battered, of course. So I can feel even guiltier. Gee, I know you get a lot of time off as a college professor, but he must be starting to push the limits.
ALAN (frowning): Don, you are sounding very flip at this tense moment!
DON: Sorry. I'm just really relieved to have that whole global warming thing off my conscience. And - well - no disrespect - but this may have been really tense the first dozen times or so, but now it's just getting kind of routine.