A/N: Takes place during Season Four, after the Thanksgiving episode, where Spike is still chained up in Giles' bathtub.

The Watcher

By: DangerMouse

A parody of the poem,
"The Raven"
by E. A. Poe.


Once upon a morning cheery, while I studied demon theory,
Over many a thick and tedious volume of forgotten lore -
While I noted demon trapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one fiercely rapping - rapping at my bathroom door.
"'Tis the vampire," I muttered, "tapping at my bathroom door -
Only this and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak November
He, whom I wish to dismember, dropped himself upon my floor.
In his head a chip did fester, and so me he loves to pester,
Makes fun of my polyester - polyester from the store.
For the cigs and booze and blood - For him do I run to the store,
Errand boy for evermore.

Came the angry, frenzied yelling, echoing throughout my dwelling,
Chilled me - filled me with some drastic measures never thought before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
"'Tis the vampire a'beating hard upon my bathroom door -
The freeloader there a'beating hard upon my bathroom door -
And he is declaring war!"

My impatience grew much stronger, hesitating then no longer,
"Spike!" yelled I, "be quiet, or your undead body will be sore;
Soldier movements I've been mapping, and so now you'll cease your yapping!
I don't want to hear you smacking - smacking at my bathroom door!
Scar the wood and I will stake you" - here I opened wide the door. -
There he glared, chained on the floor.

"Watcher, you are such a wanker! For some smokes I truly hanker!"
Spike did yell, the tub his anchor, anchored fast down on the floor.
"'Passions' will be on the telly! I need blood inside my belly!
Maybe something from the deli? And let me up from off this floor!
If you don't, I will get louder, so let me up from off this floor!"
Cried the vamp, then said no more.

"Afraid that I must disappoint." I pulled a stake to make my point.
He asked, "Could I then get a joint?" I cannot take this anymore!
He's glaring still, all undaunted. This is not a thing I wanted.
Why can't my home just be haunted? Why a vampire on my floor?
From the room, I'm quickly stalking - stalking from Spike upon my floor.
Said The Watcher, "Nevermore."

"I so heard that, you lousy pouf!" I ignored him, my mind aloof.
Anymore, I'll jump from a roof! I make my way towards the door.
"Get back here, you bloody tosser!" I dismiss that lovely offer,
Gather my books from the coffer, then walk quickly out the door.
I can hear him yet still yelling, chains rattling against the floor.
Yelled The Watcher, "NEVERMORE!"

~The End~

A/N: *grins* Well, what did you think? Personally, I think I should get some sleep now. Ah, well. Review if you wish!