Kakashi sat on a tree branch, on a tree that had not been there that morning, looking through the glass of one of the classroom's upper windows. Sometimes, it paid to be pals with a Mokuton user. That he could do pretty much anything with wood was a funny and awesomely useful thing that he abused maliciously during the time he'd been mentoring the boy… wait, he was an adult now.
Regardless, Kakashi decided he would just sit there for a while and stare, so he did. Usually, he'd be reading his book, but right now he was actually paying attention, because he was actually interested in something other than porn at the moment, even if an inner voice was nagging at him to get back to seeing how Nagase-chan dealt with her growing infatuation to the nondescript protagonist that was obviously Jiraiya's self-insert.
Indeed, Kakashi was interested in the interactions displayed by the three preteens who still found themselves locked inside their classroom (even though no lock would stop a determined ninja), one hour after the latest of sensei came to pick up their students. Indeed, the only one who reneged on his duty for no less than an entire hour was the one and only Hatake Kakashi.
Otherwise known as 'Son-Of-A-Bitch-Made-Me-Wait-For-Three-Hours!'
That one was coined by Anko, when he got to his own birthday party three hours late. To his defense, they hadn't kept the secret very well and he felt like being a dick then. He felt like being a dick a lot of the time, actually.
He didn't bother to notice the squirrel that was now snuggling in his hair, using it as makeshift bedding. Nor did he care about the fact that he would disturb its sleep. It had a good two hours of rest before Kakashi would move, and the man himself could hold his position for the rest of the day if he needed to.
So he just sat down and watched. And watched. And watched some more. Just to make sure, he watched some more. Yep. He'd been given the first All-Kunoichi team in Konoha history. He let out a loud groan. He was absolutely dreading this assignment. Then again, they were incredibly likely to fail, as the teams they gave him were pretty much set up to. Who in their right minds thought that the top of the class would willingly work together with the dead-last? The idea was moronic in its entirety.
Well, the Sandaime didn't seem to think so, which meant he was probably senile or something.
If Kakashi had read their files, he might not have had to sit for three hours on a tree branch outside the class to learn more about his students. He was also the kind of guy who thought that files were bullshit (all of his rained praises upon him, when everyone who knew him personally could tell that he was an absolute jackass and proud of it) and that the only way to really get to know someone is by observing them.
Some said that stalking someone for a few weeks before deciding if they're worthy to be your friend of not was being obsessive. Kakashi would point out how he'd found out a gazillion spies using that method and people would shut up.
So he observed some more. His eye was focused on the three girls sitting at the same desk, playing some strange card game that he couldn't quite guess the rules of at first glance. Damn, he was getting old, if he couldn't keep up with kids these days.
Maybe he'd get to be an old pervert! He'd have to ask Jiraiya for tips. He already had the white, spiky hair.
Shaking off his thoughts before they inevitably went to Jiraiya's main body of work, he went back to observing his potential genin students. He analyzed them from their movements, the poker faces they displayed to hide the cards they had on their hands, and he judged them based on their interactions, as well.
His test had begun one hour ago, after all. Unlike the other jounin, when he failed someone, he had reasons to do so that could fill up a hundred page report. This being absolutely over the top, he just contented himself with saying 'They had sucky teamwork' and leaving it at that.
First, he decided to fix his eye on the one clanless kunoichi in his group, Sakura Haruno. Her bubblegum pink hair could be problematic, but then again, ninja pretty much needed to be flashy in their line of work. Contrary to popular opinion, no sane ninja dresses in a black bodysuit covering all of their features unless they're infiltrating somewhere during the night or in the dark.
Therefore, her choice of attire, while not particularly conductive for camouflage in the forest, still served to camouflage her in an urban settlement, as she was dressed not unlike what a civilian working girl would wear. And he didn't mean the kind of working girl he preferred, because that would just be funny rather than sexy, considering her total lack of a figure to flaunt.
He attributed that to unhealthy diet. Easy enough habit to break her out of by forcing her to exhaust herself every day so she is hungrier. That would solve itself, given time.
His eye rolled over to one that made a small shock course through his body, originating from his left eye socket. He smiled, knowing that it was just him imagining things, but he liked to think Obito was reacting approvingly of his niece. Indeed, the girl was the last Uchiha in the village.
She was known as Uchiha Satsuki, the Ice Cold Princess of Konoha. To most, she was an unapproachable, frigid bitch who hated men with a passion unrivalled by the heat of the sun. To a select few, she showed her less cold side. Not warm by any means, but certainly a lot more approachable. You just had to figure out that she would only snark at people she actually liked.
Kakashi had done a few rounds around the girl, back when he was Inu, to make damned sure that nobody got any funny ideas about the girl living alone on her clan compound. It didn't help that she was shaping up to become one of the most attractive Kunoichi in Konoha. Wouldn't be surprising, given her mother. Ultimately, she'd chosen to move to a smaller place (cleaning the compound was an absolute bitch) in the same building as Kakashi's favorite person in Konoha.
Who, you might ask, was Kakashi's favorite person?
The one that made him laugh his ass off in uncountable occasions and happened to be the last thing left of the man who'd been not unlike a father to him. In a sense, he considered her a little sister that he would always protect from the shadows, until she didn't need him any more.
And boy had she grown independent fast. It started when, on a whim, Tenzo taught her the basics of gardening. From then on, the girl had taken a shine to the pastime and had begun to grow her own crops. It helped that she actually owned the entirety of the apartment complex she lived in and could do whatever she wanted with it, including but not limited to turning the rooftop into a greenhouse.
Then she witnessed one of her ANBU guards, who just happened to be Anko, get back at some idiot who'd tried to get a bit too close to her the wrong way (by thinking she was as easy as her clothes implied she was). That day, the little girl had sworn that she would outdo Anko.
And given the fact that there had been a giant 'NARUTO WAS HERE!' painted on the face of the Yondaime Hokage, there was absolutely no doubt that the girl had not only succeeded in surpassing Anko at getting back at people, but done so in an utterly hilarious manner.
He had always been particularly present in Naruto's life since, unlike Satsuki who the village held on a pedestal, Naruto… was not very well liked by the majority of the population. It was funny that those who didn't know her would dislike and fear her, but anyone who spent more than five minutes on the same room with the little ball of fun and sunshine would fall in love with her.
She had won over her classmates, her teachers, her ANBU guard, the Hokage, a variety of shop keepers (mostly the ones who sold her the gardening implements and aids that she used, as well as a few food stall owners) and, most hilariously, Danzo of all people, through sheer cuteness. Convincing the old Warhawk not to put her in the ROOT program because she was too adorable to be put through that was a feat worthy of being enshrined.
Heck, Kakashi was certain that if Konoha found a way to weaponized her cuteness, they'd probably take over the world with zero resistance.
His three students…
… Were not particularly friends when the game started. Indeed, it had taken no less than ten minutes of Naruto bugging both of her classmates until they'd finally agreed to play a game to pass the time. Since then, she had been chatting animatedly with Sakura and obviously trying her hardest to involve the taciturn and gloomy Satsuki.
At first, Satsuki had been her usual frigid self, something that seemed to absolutely frustrate Naruto. Sakura had then raved on and on about the coolness of Konoha's Ice Princess, about how she was the kunoichi that would show the world that girls were just as good as boys.
Yeah, Satsuki was a bit of an idol of the academy kunoichi due to her attitude combined with her strength. If Kakashi had to make a wild guess, he would say that she probably didn't give half a shit about making a gender equality statement. The whole gender equality business was bullshit, anyway, since only childish misconception would convince someone that a girl couldn't kick just as much ass as a man. Kakashi could give a rather lengthy list of kunoichi who were just as strong if not stronger than shinobi.
That and disrespecting the seduction corps was tantamount to heresy amongst the ninja corps. After all, the seduction corps took the most mentally demanding and challenging missions and often were incredibly hard on those who willingly sacrificed themselves to the task.
There was absolutely no way he'd let any of those three have to deal with that kind of thing. Kakashi himself had only taken a few seduction missions and he wouldn't wish that fate on anyone. He still observed their interactions.
Both Satsuki and Sakura seemed to be glaring at Naruto, who was just giggling happily. Apparently, during the time that Kakashi was distracted, the game became heated and Naruto came out as the victor. Maybe he ought to pay enough attention to actually hear them instead of just observing them.
Naruto slammed her hand on the table and slid it across the hard wood. Five cards were separated, though they still remained touching each other. The blonde picked up the fifth and uppermost card and used it to flip the other four all at once, showing four Queens. "Poker, girlies." She declared, smirking as she looked at the other two who shared similarly valued double pairs, although Sakura had the advantage with an Ace.
"You cheated!" Sakura yelled, crossing her arms over her still pitifully flat chest and glaring at the blonde, who merely giggled and tossed her hair back in a haughty manner that was totally at odds with her usual demeanor.
"It's just pure skill, Sakura-chan!" Replied the rather flippant blonde, running a hand through her wavy golden locks and smoothing them as she did. "If I had cheated, Satsuki-chan would've noticed, ne?"
The Uchiha grunted, narrowed her eyes and let out a rather undignified growl. "You can't get those kinds of cards, all on a row! I don't know how, but you cheated, and I will find out how!" Sakura said, before Satsuki could let loose a string of insults.
Naruto offered both of them an impish grin. "I don't have sleeves to hide cards in!" she noted.
Indeed, she didn't. Her jacket was thrown aside, resting on a chair not too far away, and she was left wearing a black tank top that did nothing to hide her thin arms. Sakura's eyes trailed the tan skin of her arms, looking for anywhere that could hide the cards she replaced, but it was to no avail. "Crap… she's right." Sakura admitted.
"You're wearing a skirt, too, you could hide them there." Satsuki remarked.
Naruto, still grinning, stood up. "My skirt has no pockets, Satchan." Spoke the blonde, before giving both of the other kunoichi a rather strange and frightening smile… and lifting her skirt, showing the white cotton of her underwear for all to see. "And as you can see, I'm not hiding anything under it."
Blushing, both Sakura and Satsuki yelled at the shameless blonde. "Stop doing that you pervert!" Yelled Sakura.
"I didn't think you were that desperate, dobe." Satsuki remarked, though her blush betrayed her own embarrassment.
"But you're not looking away." Naruto noted, before letting go of her skirt and sitting back down, laughing the whole way. "Anyway, you both lost and I didn't cheat. You shouldn't have bet so big if you didn't have anything on your hands!" She said, her face morphing into a cheshire grin.
Sighing loudly, Satsuki began the process of removing the blue shirt she was wearing, revealing a second, white shirt made of-most likely- silk. Kakashi's eyes almost bugged out. His students… were playing strip poker!? What the hell?
"That's not all you bet, Satchan!" Said Naruto, smirking. "C'mon, you wouldn't want Sensei to barge in before we're done, now would you?"
With an almost luminescent blush, Satsuki grabbed the hem of her white shirt and pulled it up, revealing the white bandages that hid her modesty. "… I'm not taking off the rest." She said, glaring at the blonde.
"Oh?" She said, smiling cheerfully. "I wouldn't have thought that you would be a coward, Satchan!" Naruto's voice was positively frightening, and frighteningly sweet and honeyed, as if she'd just told her that she had no option whatsoever. "Wouldn't wanna shame your family by being a coward, now would you?"
"That's a low blow, Uzumaki!" Growled Sakura.
"S-She's right." Satsuki muttered. "Mother… would not have hesitated." She concluded, before standing up and walking slightly to the side so that she had space.
"Attagirl." The blonde said, smiling.
Satsuki began to tug at the elastic that kept her shorts tightly clinging to her soft, pale skin, and then, in clear discomfort and with bravado brought on from her own shame, she quickly pulled them down, revealing her lacy underwear to her teammates. The fact that she was making an accurate impression of a tomato caused her to have the image of a perverted shy girl.
Sakura's mouth began to open and close like a fish's, and she knew and was horrified by the fact that she was next. Indeed, foolishly thinking that they'd get to punish Naruto for suggesting the game in the first place, they'd both decided to bet big this round, confident that, like the last one, Naruto would foolishly charge in with absolutely nothing on hand. That damnable poker had caused them both to lose the majority of their clothes and be left with only their underwear.
Sakura's shorts were a bit more skin tight than Satsuki's, so she couldn't just peel them off her skin as quickly as the other girl had. Therefore, she had unintentionally given the other two a rather thorough show as she went through the motions necessary to remove them, hindered in speed by her own nerves and embarrassment.
Her battle dress was next to go, leaving her only wearing a long white shirt that doubled as a skirt to hide her pink panties from the view of her perverted teammate and the girl she admired. Even now her respect for Satsuki had only grown, and Sakura felt like she had to do this to present herself as an equal to the one who she admired.
So with a loud and rather suffering groan, Sakura revealed her flat chest and pink underwear.
"Hora, you two are so cute!" Naruto declared, as the two embarrassed and almost-naked girls sat back down around the table. Both were, as preteens are wont to be, quite flat chested, though whereas Sakura's chest could be confused with that of a little boy's, Satsuki had the beginning of hers already manifesting through the bandages that kept them in place.
"Stop looking at us like that, you pervert…" Sakura muttered. "This is totally unfair, we won't be able to concentrate like this."
Satsuki frowned. "It's just training." She declared, though mostly it seemed to be a mantra that she kept repeating so she wouldn't succumb to her own embarrassment. So Naruto had probably convinced Satsuki to play strip poker with the excuse that it was some sort of training exercise. Clever; Satsuki was a bit of a nut when it came to training.
"But it's too embarrassing…" Sakura muttered, trying to cover her chest and crotch with her cards as best as she could, as Naruto dealt them five each.
"Hm… if you're embarrassed about being the only ones naked here… I've got a solution!" Naruto declared, cheerfully. In a second and a flash of clothing, her skirt and shirt went flying through the air, revealing her bare chest and the white cotton of her underwear.
"Wha-What- What the- How- Why- WHAT THE HELL!?" Sakura finally managed, after stammering for words to push out of her system.
Naruto grinned even more impishly than before for an instant, such a short time that it would only be perceived by a veteran ninja. "I'm not as cute as you two, but I can't be so ugly that you hate to see me, ne?" She asked, adopting a mock hurt expression. She looked much like a kicked puppy, right then and there, tears coming to her eyes.
"Ack- Sorry, I didn't mean that!" Sakura yelled, sounding surprisingly apologetic for someone who was pissed seconds before.
She was good, Kakashi noted, at manipulating her teammates to do what she wished them to do. And right now, she was on the business of trolling the everloving fuck out of them. And Kakashi was finding it both extremely inappropriate and exceedingly hilarious.
With a quick movement, Kakashi deposited the squirrel that had been resting on his ridiculous hair do against a branch of the recently made tree away from the one he was on and he stood up. With a couple of handsigns, he summoned a gust of wind, a cloud of smoke and plucked several leaves out of their proper place.
With the body flicker, he was gone.
Sarutobi Hiruzen blinked and looked at the shinobi that had barged into the office.
Kakashi fell to his knees, trying his hardest to stem the flow of tears from his eyes and clutching a hand to his chest, trying his hardest to stop the ache coming from his heart. Neither was succesful. "Best. Team. Ever." He declared, weeping tears of joy.
Somewhere, Jiraiya felt like pumping his fist and yelling about how awesome the world was, for some reason he couldn't recognize. As he was currently occupied, he did not do so. However, he did make a mental note to properly celebrate, even if he didn't know why.
If the title didn't already wise you up to it, yes, this is done entirely for the purposes of having the most yuritastic Team 7 in recorded history.