AN: I just wanted to let you know that The Attraction Equation is up on the poll for the Top Ten Fics for August on TwiFanfictionRecs blog. If you feel so inclined, it would be lovely if you voted for this story or one of the other great stories on the list. You can even vote once a day, for the entire month! What fun! twifanfictionrecs . com.
This story is still complete, but here is a little maybe teaser for you all. It's the Attraction Equation sequel written in Jane's POV. If I finish up some back logged stories on my list and you all like this, I'll continue it.
Thanks all of you for your support!
Outtake: The Final Word According to Jane
"It reminds me of the movie, Alien." Bella poked me in my stomach. "Move, baby."
I swatted her hand away. I hated Isabella Swan, when I didn't find her amusing. She stole my joke. I was planning on using it on her one day if she ever procreated little number dorks. I bet they would come out with pocket protectors. "I have work to do, Swan!"
She started laughing hysterically and pointed to the desk where I was carving dirty pictures. "Work? Why start now?"
I pointed to my carving. "I'm creating an ode to your love of fractions with Captain CPA, Swan. I believe you should appreciate my hard work. Mostly the way I twisted you. I seriously doubt that you're that limber."
Bella cocked her head and looked at The CPA Commando's. . . Well. . . Cock. Cocked to look at cock. I kill me. "His penis is far bigger than that."
"The pencil pusher has a pencil dick," I stated. "Where's Alec and my chips?"
"With Edward getting my fries," my annoying friend stated. "If they come back with green leafy stuff feel free to use my rubber bands on Edward. He's on a health kick and must be stopped. My husband is a bad influence on yours."
"Then why am I going to hit him with the bands? You do it to your own man!"
She pouted. "Because I love him! I couldn't dare hurt him, but no qualms having you do it of me. French fries are important business, Janie."
"Wimp." She really was.
All of sudden, Bella grabbed the hem of the tent I was forced to wear due to my spawn. "Have your tattoos stretched?"
I shot her in the head with a rubber band.
"Ouch! I never should have taught you that!" She clutched her forehead.
I should have taken off of work this whole pregnancy. I could have just watched bad soap operas all day and prank called Dr. 90210. She was always was fun to terrorize! All you needed to do was tell her they were canceling the Style network. Wait was that even still on? I needed to rethink my game.
As much as mocking the actors on over dramatic daytime serials and harassing their fans on Twitter was enjoyable, Bella needed me to manage her over dramatic life. I was mentor to her of sorts. A life coach in eye rolls and tormenting minions. That girl would fall apart without my tutelage. Who else would be tongue Captain CPA's maybe slutty sister?
Note to self, change phone number. That slutty ex-sis has a hankering for my tongue ring and her stalking is getting tiring.
"Babe! We come bringing sustenance!" Alec called, carrying a bag of food. Then he grabbed his dick and shook it at me. "Want some big old kielbasa, Jane?"
That's my man! I shot him with a rubber band. Have to keep him in line!
"Damn it, Jane!" He crowed.
"That isn't a bag from Hank's Diner! Where's my chips, slave!" I felt a righteous anger.
Bella didn't look too pleased either. "Edward! Really? Is it that from the vegetarian place on South? I wanted fries and meat!"
"Sweetheart—" Edward started pouting. That boy had a giant vagina.
Alec couldn't help himself. "I've got your meat right here, Bella!"
Once again, more dick grab. He was predictable.
"Ouch!" Alec grabbed his head as I shot him. "Babe!"
"Good aim," Bella congratulated me. "Now it's Edward's turn."
Edward pulled out a package wrapped in foil. "No! Wait! Nonni's garlic bread and pasta!"
The heavenly smells filled my nostrils. That Italian shit was the best.
Bella actually whimpered. "Did you bring the Alfredo?"
Edward gave her what I think he thought was a sultry smile. He just looked constipated to me. "No forks."
Like a lioness mounting a completely inept gazelle, Bella attacked Edward's face. I think she said, between the tongue tango and saliva, "My office! Now, stud muffin!"
I would have been impressed with her gumption if it wasn't for the fact she was going to get horizontal and messy with the CPA. That was just nasty.
"Oh baby, you want some advanced trigonometry with your big rigatoni?" He asked with a moan.
I felt my stomach do flip flops and I wanted to hurl. The only thing that gave me morning sickness was Edward Cullen.
Alec rubbed my back as a threw up in a waste basket. The amorous nerds were cooing about math and ignoring my discomfort as they went to their live nest. "Ziti always makes you feel better after having to be near Ed, Jane."
Sitting up and wiping bile off my face, I eyed my baked ziti joy. So delicious! So yummy! So ready to get in my belly!
"Yo, loser! Get upstairs for your check-up," Alice stated, as she poked her head in the door. "I have a cancellation. So move it, Scary Momma!"
"What happened to the grouch? He's my cranky doctor of choice! We're both curmudgeons!" I was annoyed. I lived to talk shit about him to his face. He would turn bright red like a fire engine.
Alice shrugged. "He quit having you as a patient and gave you to me. Whitlock is oddly sensitive. I, on the other hand, don't care what you say. I find you to be an interesting study of motherhood for my next medical journal article."
"How do you equate motherhood with Jane?" Alec asked with a laugh.
"How impending motherhood makes some individuals less motherly. It's a case study of one."
Bitch. It was also true!
"I want the giant OB! He has thick fingers!" I stated with a glare.
Alice sighed and pointed to the door. "You frighten Emmett. Get moving."
"My other patients are waiting!" She gave me a malicious grin. "The ziti can be warmed, but your pee needs to get in a cup in five minutes. Chop! Chop!"
My doctor was a demon! A fashion obsessed demon!