Warning: Adult humor?
Disclaimer: All the wonderful Twilight characters that you recognize are property of Stephenie Meyer. I am very grateful that she is kind enough to loan them to us. I will not leave them out in the rain...even though I don't believe that will bother them much.
AN: This one comes with a little note as to where the inspiration came from. While the story is mine the events mentioned within do actually exist. This week, May 6 through the 12 th, in the good old USA marks the first ever annual International Clitoris Week. A group in Las Vegas by the name of Clitoraid has started it up and when I came across an article about it, Emmett was the first thing that came to my mind. The following short one shot is the result of the images that tortured my poor brain. Misery does love company so...
Thank you all for putting up with me...especially this time. Special thanks to Cullen1007, Jasper1863Hale, rubyblue100 and edwardian1901 for being my sounding boards when I was caught up in this idea. As always thanks to my wonderful beta, Splinter. Her computer has taken ill so currently all mistakes are completely mine. Corrections will come along so please try to over look my blunders.
Now, without further ado... Happy Clitoris Week ..at the start of National Masturbation Month, none the less and... Here's Emmett!
Drawing the warm arid night air into his lungs, Emmett sighed contently as he wrapped his arm around his mate.
"You know this has got to be the best idea that little Eddie has come up with yet. We really did need a break from the dreary cold wet weather back home. Nevada is totally awesome!"
Rose scoffed slightly. "With the exception being that we can't go out at all during the day."
"But Vegas never closes, Babe. We can hang in the casinos during the day and at night Sin City belongs to us."
"You and Jasper sure fixed it so that we won't be able to hang out at Harrah's any more."
"Oh, come on, Rosie. How was I to know that alcohol was going to have an affect on him? It's not like we have ever really gone out drinking before and we had to do something with it. Those little cocktail girls kept a full glass in front of us all of the time. It would have seem odd if we never drank anything. Besides, I think it's some rule that you have to be drinking if you are playing."
Rosalie rolled her eyes as she sighed at her husband while they walked down the strip enjoying the mild weather and colorful glowing neon displays stretched out before them.
"No. You have to be putting your money in the machine if you are going to drink for free. Besides, you could have pretended to sip on it like the rest of us."
Emmett puffed out his chest while pulling himself up to his full height as he huffed indignantly.
"Men don't sip their drinks. We guzzle 'em down to quench our thirst after a hard day on the job."
"Uh-huh. Well, Edward managed just fine."
"Like I was saying, MEN don't sip."
Rosalie couldn't contain the laughter welling up inside and was thankful that the others weren't around to hear her or their conversation.
"Well, I am blessed to have found myself a real man even if his manly habits get us kicked out of our hotel for destruction of property. You know we are lucky that they didn't press charges. Carlisle wasn't wild with the idea of the five of us coming here. Just imagine what he would do if he found out that you got Jasper drunk and preceded to tear up several of the slot machines."
Emmett gave a low whistle. "Didn't consider that fall out. Of course not all of the destruction was completely our fault. I can't help if the arm on that slot machine got stuck and Jazz snapped it off trying to get it to free up."
"It wasn't stuck. You forgot to add more money to it. You have to pay to play, Em."
"Well yeah, but still..."
"Still, Carlisle would have tacked your hide to the wall without a second thought and you know it."
"Putting it that way, maybe Jazz and I should take our awesome man power down a notch and take up some of Eddie's sissy ways for a bit."
"Not too many of his sissy ways," the blonde beauty purred as she stood on her tip toes to kiss her lover's cheek. "I like that I've married a real man."
"Let me show you just how manly I can be, Babe." Emmett waggled his eyebrows before wrapping his arms completely around his mate to lift her off the ground as he kissed her with abandonment. Pulled back he grinned at her mischievously. "Let's get married. We've never done a quickie Vegas wedding. I think we should give that a go and then we can enjoy our honeymoon."
Rose laughed as she patted his dimpled cheek gently.
"But I haven't got anything to wear."
"This is Vegas. You don't have to wear anything." His eyes sparkled as he raised a brow.
"Emmett Cullen, you scoundrel. Put me down and behave yourself. You know I prefer big weddings anyway."
"I prefer the honeymoon."
Rose kissed him softly as he placed her gentle back on her feet.
"Later, Lover. Right now we have to hurry and meet the others so we can get to the show."
Taking his hand in hers, Rosalie began to lead her shuffling bear down the street towards their destination and that's when it happened.
"Oh my GOD! Rosie, check that out. It's vaginas on parade! Let's go see."
"No, Em. Let's just get to the show."
"It will only take a minute. I mean seriously, how often do you see a seven foot vagina? You have so got to take my picture with one. This vacation just keeps getting better and better."
Tugging Rose along with him, Emmett quickly walked over to the uniquely costumed group.
"Hey, Dude, what's this about? Some sort of protest? I do hope that this isn't one of those advertisements for a new all you can eat casino buffet. It certainly is an attention getter though. I mean...I would certainly eat there, but some guys wouldn't. Not so sure about the chicks either. Well, thinking about it, some might really go for it."
Rosalie rubbed her forehead while the the man handed her bright eyed mate an educational pamphlet.
"We are out here celebrating International Clitoris Week. Our goal is to increase awareness and celebrate that often neglected and misunderstood core of female sexuality."
The hand fell from Rose's brow and covered her mouth as she raised her head to glance up at the suited man with wide eyes.
"International want week?" Em stared uncomprehendingly at the educator before a look of sudden comprehension brightened his topaz eyes. "Oh wait. You're talking about the Go Button, right? Oh, hell we're all too well aware of that, aren't we Babe?"
He glanced back at his mate with a wide grin without seeming to notice that Rosalie looked as if she would rather be anywhere but there at the moment.
Turning back to the man, the dark haired bruin puzzled. "What's there to misunderstand? Give it some strokin' before you get pokin' and everyone is in for a good night. Pretty simple really. Always works for my Babe." Reaching up he rubbed the nob at the apex of the costume before slipping his arm around the man's shoulders.
"Take a picture of me and my best friend, Rosie." Emmett puffed his chest out as he gave a toothy grin.
Reluctantly, Rosalie took her camera out of her purse and quickly snapped the shot hoping to expedite their departure, but it appeared that her beloved husband's quest had not yet run its course.
"Dude, been called a pussy yet?"
The man sighed heavily. "Several times."
"Damn, I was hoping that I could be the first. Guess it does come with the territory though."
"Come on, Em. We really need to get going before we're late meeting up with our party."
"Party? I thought we were going to some sort of concert. Hell, if it's a party we need to take this dude along with us. Can't tell me he wouldn't be the life of any party."
Rose covered her eyes once more as she spoke with a sharp edge to her voice. "Our party, Em. Jasper, Edward and Alice?"
"Oh. Sorry about that, Dude. Maybe the next party, huh?" Taking a step back he sized up the costume a bit better as he scratched his chin. "Rosie, remember that time when you and Ali got into that fight and you called her a size queen? I bet she hasn't got a thing on this dude. Can you just imagine the monster sized dick that it would take to satisfy this?"
"What? You know it's true."
The bruin's eyes quite suddenly took on a mischievous glimmer as he rubbed his hand along the folds of the costume.
"Rosie, take my picture!"
"I already did, Em. Now tell the nice man to have a good night and let's go."
"No. You have to take a picture with my head in there. You don't mind, do you, Dude?"
"Emmett, no! God!"
Before the man could respond the brawny boy shoved his head deeply between the plush lips.
"Do it, Rose! I can't wait to show the guys back home. Who gives a damn about fisting when you can go heading," came the muffed voice as the giant vagina struggled to keep his balance.
Down the street, Jasper, Alice and Edward were just leaving the casino when the gifted seer froze in place seconds before their sister's voice reached them over the ruckus of the crowed street.
"Emmett, get your head out of that man's vagina right now!"
Jasper raised a brow before shaking his head in disbelief. "That blasted alcohol poisoning must have effected my hearing because I thought I just heard Rosalie say..."
"You did hear her say that." Alice nodded as she looked at her mate with an expression that could only be called disturbed.
"How in the hell? And a man's...?"
"It's not quite how it sounds, Sweetheart."
"I should hope not."
Edward quickly scanned his sister's vision before screwing his eyes tightly closed and turning away with a pained groan.
"I can't unsee that."
"Now you know how I feel all the time, " Alice retorted. "Let's hurry. They need our help. Oh, and Edward, don't."
The lanky bronze haired boy gave his sister a puzzled look.
"Just don't. Daddy won't be pleased."
Edward glanced over at Jasper who simply shrugged before allowing his mate to lead him and his brother onward to rescue their siblings.
Walking up on the scene, Jasper doubled over in a fit of laughter which he was only able to quell when Alice slapped his shoulder hard while giving him a pointed look.
"Emmett, stop fooling around, " Rose hissed quietly as she tried to pull her husband's head free.
"I'm not, Rosie. I'm stuck. This thing has got a hold of me and it won't let go." Em tried tugging backwards causing the mortified man in the vagina suit to slid several feet across the pavement.
"So much for not making any scenes, " Jasper whispered to Edward, who nodded in response while eying the growing crowd cautiously.
"We have to get him out of it, but we can't do anything heroic strength-wise. There's too many people around."
"Jazzy, it's the zipper of his hoodie. It's caught on the lip of the labia. You have to unhook him."
"The lip of the...?" Jasper blinked at his petite wife in disbelief that they were even having this conversation.
"The labia." Alice rolled her eyes as she gave her mate a push towards their trapped brother. "Seriously, Jazzy. You are old enough not to be uncomfortable by this kind of thing. It's not like it's unfamiliar territory after all."
"Easy for you to say. You're not sticking your hand in there."
Snickering, Edward called out to his brother, "Wait a minute, Jazz. This is just too good."
Alice rounded on him quickly."Edward, I have already told you that is a bad idea."
"Alice, you can't tell me that you don't want to."
"I didn't say that, but it can only lead to trouble."
"You don't think this is already considered trouble," Edward softly asked as he swept his hand around to indicate the rapidly deepening crowd. "Alice, these people couldn't have asked for better publicity and there isn't a thing that we can do to change that now that ... well now that Emmett the destroyer has come into play. Really, how much more trouble could we possibly get into? This is just too priceless to let it go."
The pixie sighed as she glanced over at her mate, carefully running his hand along the inner folds of the costume attempting to liberate the protesting bear-boy.
"Stop it, Em. Why do you always have to be such a dick head?"
"Very funny, Jazzman. How about leaving the wise cracks to me and just get me out of this thing."
Emmett tried to jerk himself free once again which Jasper stopped with a sharp slap to the back of the bruin's head.
"You're making it worse. Hell, if it wouldn't be such an inconvenience to this gentlemen here, I should leave you stay stuck in there for getting me all liquored up like that."
"Aw, that was fun and you know it. Didn't realize you would end up puking all over that damn one armed bandit and causing the plastic to melt."
The man in the suit gave a confused grunt that brought the soldier's attention to his face.
"Long story or I would share it. Just trust that we aren't going back to that casino again, nor is this boy going to be slamming back any more free drinks..." Returning his attention to Emmett he raised his voice a touch as he finished his sentence. "...JUST BECAUSE HIS BROTHER DARED HIM TO DO IT."
"Like you couldn't just say no. Haven't you heard the anti-drug campaigns, Bro?"
"Would you two stop arguing? Jasper you can yell at him later, just get him out of there," Rose groused as she tried to ignore the gathering crowd.
Alice rolled her eyes then shook her head upon seeing the joy in Edward's face.
"Oh, alright, but be quick. Jazzy will have him free any moment."
Edward's smile reached his golden eyes causing them to shimmer with mirth before he leaned in to give his little sister a peck on the cheek.
"Thanks, sis. Just go get Rose in position and I'll take care of the rest."
Sunday morning had been unusually quiet at the hospital, something that Carlisle was grateful for. He had finished catching up on his patient reports and was just starting his rounds. With any luck, he would be able to leave a bit early so he could spend the afternoon enjoying Esme's company. It was so rare for them to find themselves alone and he wanted to make the most of the few days that remained of their children's vacation.
His children's vacation. Carlisle gave an easy sigh as his mind became a little distracted wondering how they were doing. He hoped that they were enjoying themselves as much as he and his mate had been enjoying the solitude left in their wake; a solitude that would be ending in three days time. A wistful smile softly curled Carlisle's lips as his mind shifted onto wicked thoughts of his delightful mate.
I wonder if I can get Mark to cover my shift for a day or two?
Carlisle's wandering mind was brought back into sharp relief by a hand on his shoulder. Glancing up, he met the inquiring gaze of Doctor Mark Jansen.
"Sorry, Carlisle. I didn't mean to startle you."
"Think nothing of it, Mark. I was just going to come looking for you." Carlisle smiled at the aged gray haired senior physician. "I know that this is short notice, but would you be able to cover my shift tomorrow and the following day? I would like to plan a little something for my wife."
"While the cat's away." Mark gave Carlisle a knowing wink and nudged the younger man in the ribs. "I can't say that I blame you one bit. If I had a wife like that, wild horses wouldn't be able to drag me away from her."
Carlisle glanced down in mild embarrassment causing his colleague to chuckle.
"Not to worry, Carlisle. I'll be happy to hold down the fort while you get reacquainted with the little lady. It's good to see you wanting to take time off. I've always told you that you shouldn't act like you're married to the job when you have someone that lovely waiting for you back home."
"Thank you, Mark. I think I'll leave a little early after I've checked on my patients."
"I think that's a splendid idea."
Mark gave Carlisle's back a friendly slap sending the blonde on his way when a sudden thought occurred to him.
"Say, Carlisle, don't you have a boy that goes by the name of Emmett?"
Carlisle froze and closed his eyes tightly. Taking a deep breath, he turned back to his friend trying not to allow the worry to show on his face.
"Why yes I do. Why do you ask?"
"Thought so. You know I went to that Cardiac Convention in Vegas this weekend?"
"Uh-huh." The young blonde eyed his coworker cautiously as his mind began to race through worst case scenarios.
"Well there was this activist group set up outside my hotel celebrating female sexuality or something of that nature and it just so happens that your son had a bit of a run in with them."
"Yep. Got his head stuck in a vagina."
"What?!" Carlisle abruptly found himself struck speechless as he gawked in confusion.
"Oh yeah. Funny stuff. Got his picture in the paper and all. Great human interest article and brought people's attention to this International Clitoris Week thing they had going on. I'm telling you, he did that Clitoraid group a real service. They would have had to pay a fortune to get that sort of coverage, but your boy got it for them for free. Gave them a chance to get their message out." Mark chuckled as he shook his head. "Kids. They just get themselves into the damnedest situations, don't they?"
"Mine certainly always seem to."
Carlisle lowered his head and pinched the bridge of his nose to fend off his growing concerns and frustration.
"Don't take it too hard, Carlisle." Mark patted him on the back with a short laugh. "They grow out of it eventually and this will be one hell of a story to share with the grand kids one day. That will be your chance to get even with him for everything he has ever put you through."
The young doctor just groaned softly in reply.
"Tell ya what. I'll take your rounds today. Why don't you get your hide home and surprise your wife. You're looking a little rough right now, but I'm sure she can set you to rights in no time."
Giving Carlisle a wink, the Chief of ER headed down the hallway whistling cheerily as he prepared to tackle his first patient of the day.
Making his way over to the nurse's station, Carlisle slumped in a chair while placing his file back in the bin. Leaning back, he covered his eyes as he sighed softly.
"Got yourself a headache, Doctor Cullen."
Lowering his hand, Carlisle found himself looking into the caring and concerned eyes of his head nurse.
"Just feeling a little ill, Gloria. I'm sure I"ll be fine in no time, but Doctor Jansen is going to take over for me so I can go home and get some rest."
"Well, good. It's about time that someone steps in and stops you from pushing yourself so hard. I tell you that all the time, but will you listen to me? No."
The doctor smiled weakly.
"That's not true. I do listen to you. I just don't always follow your instructions."
"Hmph. Then you have the nerve to come complaining to me when one of your brood acts exactly the same way."
At her words, Carlisle moaned and rubbed at his temple.
"Why don't you let me get you something for that?"
"That isn't necessary. Trust me. I'm fine, Gloria. It's just... Well it's, Emmett."
"Oh Good Lord Above, what has that boy gotten himself into this time?"
"You don't want to know, Gloria. I'm not even sure that I really want all the details." Taking a breath he shook his head. "Doctor Jansen just returned from Las Vegas where my children are vacationing."
"I hope they get a chance to see the Hoover Dam. I hear that it is a sight."
Carlisle glanced up and blinked. "Yes, I'm sure that they will." Clearing his throat he continued. "Anyway, Doctor Jansen just shared some news with me. It appears that Emmett somehow managed to get his head stuck in someone's vagina and made the news."
Gloria's jaw dropped ever so slightly as her eyes widened. "How could he...? I mean... and he is such a big boy, too. What...?"
"I... I don't know. For the first time, I have to admit that I'm a little frightened to find out."
A quiet tone sounded in Carlisle's hip pocket alerting him to a new text. Fishing out his phone he glanced at the screen while muttering softly to himself, "Oh, thank God. It's Edward. Hopefully he has news that will sort all of this out."
Carlisle patiently waited for the text to load then suddenly pulled back from the small scene with brow raised. "What in the blazes...?"
Gloria moved so that she could see over the doctor's shoulder. It took a moment to register, but soon her laughter consumed the station as she called one of the other nurses over to see the spectacle on Carlisle's phone.
"I wouldn't worry too much, Doctor Cullen. It looks like they are just having a really good time. You know what they say. Boys will be boys and that boy of yours has a sense of humor that can get him into some unique situations. That Emmett is going to keep you entertained for a lifetime."
Gloria broke down again, her infectious laughter causing even Carlisle to chuckle as he looked at the photo emblazoned on his phone.
There smiling back at him were the four faces and one backside of five of the people he loved most in all of this world, his children, posed with a man dressed as a giant vagina. Scrolling down, Carlisle read the text beneath the photo.
Greetings from Vegas! Emmett is really getting into the sights.
With a soft sigh, Carlisle handed his phone to one of the other nurses so they could pass it around and enjoy the show.
"Yes, kids do get into the damnedest situations." He whispered softly as he stared up at the ceiling tiles. "But must it always just happen to be my kids? Couldn't you pick on someone else next time?"
Shaking his head, he quickly returned to signing off on the handful of releases so he could return home to the loving arms of his wife and await the next update from his children and their great adventures.