Scene : Happened a few years after In Time and before Itachi's death
How can something so wrong feel so right?
Itachi sighed as he looked at the piece of parchment he had in front of him. He have been staring at it for hours now. The said item was empty... except for one scribble. In the middle of the ivory page was a scribble made with black ink... one word... and the said word was a proper noun...
Itachi sighed as his eyes traced every letter of the said name. His gaze followed the curve of the letters. Seeing it repeatedly brought massive memories that made his chest ache. He never felt like this before in his existence. He lived in a highly superior life all his years. He was looked up on... He was feared... He was respected...
But now, the un-explainable tightening on his chest was a common feeling. A feeling he now grew to hate and love.
Hate and Love... what a beautiful combination.
He hated the pain that was gripping his heart - it made him want to turn back the hands of time and prevent that one instance from happening.
But he loved the pain as well - it made him realize that he was alive and that in the end there was still hope for him. To experience the true meaning of life.. his purpose for existing.
When he gave himself to Hidan a few years ago, he thought that it was just a physical lust between the tow of them. An emotional surrender. He did remember seeing things in Hidan's eyes and heard words that made his cold heart melt. But the silver-haired immortal stated that he was intrigued... just that and nothing more.
Itachi have been keeping the confusion in his heart silently. As he aged, the feeling never left. It continued to bother him - building the stakes up until his sanity burned and his eyes were clouded with smoke to see anything further.
He was stuck with these feelings... feelings that confused his mind and as well as his heart.
He knew his end was near, he can sense that he was slowly deteriorating. He had no one to talk to. Kisame would never understand what he was going through. He was an Akatsuki, they were supposed to be emotionless beings.
But Itachi was never that. Itachi did feel. He was full of emotions. He may act cold and uncaring outside, but inside his heart was always hurting. He shed tears when occasion calls for it.
He gets hurt... he gets confused... he gets frustrated... he gets bored... he worries... he wonders... he gets bothered... and he even loves...
And when Itachi loved, he loved unconditionally.
He knows that he wasn't perfect, unlike what the others branded him with. He wasn't a God nor a being of fiction. He admits that he played judge and jury all on his own for a time now. He was selfish... probably yes... but he was still human. Was it so hard to understand that?
Itachi took a pen and deeply inhaled. He closed his eyes and allowed the flow of emotions take over his senses. He was at his most vulnerable point. If anyone decided to strike him now - he would be dead without any struggle.
Images of Hidan flooded his mind. The man never communicated with him after that instance. He would catch the man looking at him but no words would connect.
He tried to ask the man what he wanted... how he felt, but his tongue would not cooperate. Itachi always had self confidence... but for this case, he felt weak and unsure.
Was this truly love?
As the days flew by, the farther they have gotten. Itachi couldn't bear it anymore. He needed to speak out. He needed to tell Hidan that he have been thinking of him... needing him... longing for him...
So he followed Hidan. Hiding behind the shadows as the Jashinist trotted upon the earth spreading misery and pain.
On the third day Hidan called out to him. He stood before the man who brought this feelings to him. Their eyes collided, Itachi's tired ruby orbs and Hidan's magenta hues.
"What do you want Itachi?" the voice that once warmed his heart came out cold and robotic.
How can that be? Years back he surrendered to this man. He wanted to learn and be taught by him. He wanted to see the world through his eyes and understand things he dared not venture with another.
"I have been meaning to tell you something..." Itachi found his voice. The silver-haired man raised a delicate brow and looked. Gone were the warmth he once witnessed in those eyes. Gone were the soft tender words that once made him thankful that he was alive.
"Hidan... I..." Itachi was lost for words. He didn't know to tell the man what he wanted to say. His knuckles turned white from pressured frustration. Didn't he ready himself for this? Didn't he replayed this moment in his mind a million times before?
"Do not continue Itachi..." Hidan stopped him before the words spilled.
"It will not work that way... not anymore..." the man added. Itachi felt the words stab right through his chest.
So everything was just an illusion. Maybe the man got tired of waiting for him. Didn't he promise to wait and learn? Didn't he promised a lifetime for him?
Then it hit Itachi... the lifetime... the immortal meant his lifetime... and he would bet his remaining breaths that the man knew he was coming to an end.
"No regrets..." Hidan stated as he extended his hand towards Itachi. The raven looked at the hand offered to him and his gaze went up to Hidan's face.
"N-no regrets..." Itachi whispered as he took Hidan's hand in his own.
The handshake was broken. It was time... it was done... it was over...
Itachi opened his eyes stared at the parchment now stained with salty tears.
Itachi sighed as he placed the pen down. The memories that came to him made his fingers move on their own. He wasn't poetic, but he can hear his heart pretty damn loud.
Pouring his emotions on a piece of paper was stupid, but it was the safest way he knew on venting out his distress. He wouldn't dare go out on a killing spree... it wasn't humane.
I don't know if I should be writing this...
I just couldn't help but notice
that a lot of things have changed.
I thought that we were already clear
and that we were now okay.
But it doesn't seem to be that way.
You lately sound a bit just forced.
Are you just answering me out of pity?
If so, I don't want any of those.
I know mending can take some time.
But if we do this together
I know it will work out fine.
You have seen the real me
and what horror I could be.
But now you act as if you just don't mind.
But all your actions scream at the other bay,
I get hurt in every little way.
Tell me what is going on?
I told you of my dreams and wishes.
Thoughts that come without pretenses.
But I still end sending you away.
I don't want to let you go
and I am not giving up.
I have decided that I wanted to be with you.
You may call me selfish,
ignorant and such.
But I am just a human who felt.
Learned to live the second life
and seeking for a brighter light.
In hopes to share them with you.
You have to tell me now
if something bothers you,
for I cannot read your mind.
I am not that smart to comprehend
the signs that you have been giving.
So please tell me for I am blind.
It pains my heart to think
that we can't really mend.
Is there a single chance to try?
I will gladly turn the hands of time
if only I could.
But it seems to be now futile.
You slowly slip away
I can sense you're leaving.
I hate the painful word goodbye...
But I cannot stop you...
I cannot even pursue you...
There seems to be no chance for this...
I will gladly take this in...
All the pain life can bring...
Than to have never known you at all...
Itachi gritted his teeth as he re-read what he wrote. His eyes were blurry, it has always been that way. He will never have the courage to give out this message to Hidan. The man was now too distant to him. He may never have the chance to let Hidan understand what he truly felt.. and how much the man meant to him.
Confessions about love were sad... and rejection was even sadder. But silence was the worst enemy of all. It was futile now to even try... useless, as they say it.
He may have taken a lot of things for granted... maybe he got too absorbed trying to mend his wrongs that he failed to see that someone else was hurting.
Itachi sighed aloud.
Yes, he deserved this...
The wall was already built... he cannot reach out to him anymore... not anymore...
Itachi got up and retrieved his cloak. He blew the candle off and made his way out of the room. He was meeting Sasuke today and he knew it was over. He turned around and directed his gaze towards the log cabin.
"Amaterasu..." he whispered. The unquenchable black flames surrounded the house and slowly burned it to dust. Itachi watched as the mass slowly crumbled before his eyes... burning every pained memory along the midnight chaos.
Maybe someday they will meet again, Itachi thought as a tear escaped his eye.
And maybe then in that someday, they might have something they can both call worthwhile.
AN : Lying in my hospital bed and staring at the stupid dextrose hanging up there. Watching as the medicated water drip and flow through me. If pain and feelings can be flushed away this easily.. I would do it. But what can I do? He doesn't want me around his life anymore. No matter how hard I try to mend things, the damage just comes out doubled. And then, I become the enemy, I become the selfish bitch. I caused the change... was it so wrong to be open with your feelings? Sometimes I wonder if honesty is still appreciated in the world...