Hello there it has been a while.

I'm not even gonna say anything about the awesomeness that was 3x21, I'm still processing it and I'm not okay with it.

This little story was written literally 10 minutes after I saw the episode, so bare with me. I was full of feels and tears and asdfghjkjghfdsa

The cards have been dealt and I have the losing hand.

I lost him; no matter what I do. I lost him forever.

When we get home he rushes straight to our room to get his laptop. He cannot stop talking about all the little places he found where we could escape, all with the help of the somewhat extinct Shadownet. He jokes something about Birkhoff but I can't even bring myself to fake a laugh.

I get to the bathroom and scan our place with different eyes. I start to admire how domestic our home looks if a stranger were to look inside it. Clothes carelessly thrown over couches and magazines scattered over a coffee table. We even have a picture framed on his nightstand. My heart aches for the life we created here, our temporary home before the end of our nightmares.

Nothing will ever be the same and my heart breaks at the sole thought. Tonight is the last night I will spend in his arms. I will never sleep wearing his white t-shirt that is way too big for me and by the time the sun rises tomorrow, he will wake up to an empty bed.

I am not ready for this. Although in all honestly, I could never be.

I dread how even right this second, things have changed. I am now aware that every word that leaves my mouth from now and on will be heard by her. Every whisper, every I love you, everything. God I hate her so much.

I have spent so much time trying to understand why is she so focused on torturing me. After today, I don't care about the reason. Because even if I finally understand that twisted mind of hers, it will not make a difference in saving his life. He is inevitably in harms way and I'm the only one that can protect him. I'm the only one that can save him.

When I get out of the bathroom he is still hunched over his computer, the corner of his mouth slightly curves upward. He's planning our perfect wedding while I'm planning my last assassination, our doom. His eyes meet mine and my heart breaks a little more.

"Hey I didn't hear you there. What's the matter? Is that headache still bothering you?" He seemed concerned, if only he knew.

"A little. I'm tired too, this whole saving the world thing is taking a toll on me. Or maybe I'm getting old, who knows." I say to try and lighten the mood, he chuckles and makes room for me in our bed.

"Don't joke about age with me. I'm pretty sure you were still in diapers when I first joined the navy." He quipped. His hand gently reached my face and I knew I'd failed in hiding my feelings and concerns. "You don't seem very well, are you sure there's nothing else bothering you?" He asked with eyes full of concern.

I once told Alex that the best lies are the ones that have the most truth in them. I guess is time to follow my own advice. I try to find the words to explain before I realize once more that Amanda is here, she'll hear everything. She could kill him right now, and I cannot do anything about it. My heart is beating fast in my ears and I force myself to breath. I can't cry, not anymore and not in front of those desperate green eyes looking for answers.

My hands start to tremble and I can't take the pressure. Out of impulse I throw my arms around his neck and hold on to him for dear life. I cherish his strong arms around my waist as he whispers words I can't quite catch against my ear.

"I'm scared" I finally gather the courage to speak aloud. "I'm scared of what she did to me back there. Maybe today I was acting under her orders, just like she did with Alex. I could have died, or worse I could have you killed" I choke my last words out and I feel the lump rising up my throat. She could kill him now, is the only thing I can think about.

"Oh honey, it's gonna be okay" His hands are tangled in my hair and I feel his warm lips briefly in my forehead. "You're still my Nikita, impulsive and righteous. That's what I saw today. I don't know what she did, but whatever it was I'll help you get over it. She's not stronger than us, we will make it work and we will get through it. Maybe on a beach in Aruba, far far away from her clutches. Because if there's something I'm sure of is that she's never laying a finger on you ever again, not while I'm still alive. I can promise you that." He pulled himself away for a second and stared at my tear stained face.

"I love you so much. I need you to know that okay?" I muttered with a weak voice. He leans down to kiss me lightly and smiles.

"I know, and I love you more than anything too." He kisses me again before wrapping his arms around me. "Sleep now beautiful, you need to rest to prepare for the amazing life we are about to begin tomorrow okay? Plane leaves at 5" I feel his hold tighten infinitesimally and I have to fight the tears that are threatening to fall once more.

Right there in his arms I find strength and I know what to do next. He is right. I do need my rest. I need a clear mind to finish planning my last mission.

Tomorrow, I will kill the president of the United States.

Hope you guys enjoyed that and please review :) I'll love you forever.

Also this story was first posted on my tumblr ( pointlesswriter. tumblr .com) where I'm planning on writing Shaggie fics too, if anybody is interested in that.