I... I... I can't find words to describe the last episode, so instead I found relief in writing a second (and last I think) part to this story.
Try and enjoy. Please don't cry.
The tears clouding my sight made it nearly impossible to drive straight. My trembling hands sought for stillness, I grip the steering wheel with all the strength I have left. I'm doing the right thing. I know I am. I cannot make them pay for my burdens any longer, they can't keep putting themselves in the line of fire for me.
I cannot be selfish. This is the time to do what's right, and if that means sacrificing my time with Michael until I can figure everything out, well so be it. I will find Amanda and I will make her pay.
I can still feel the pounding of my heart in the pit of my stomach. The faint sound of machines yelling at me, saying that Michael was gone, that godforsaken sound still rings in my ears. I can't drive no more but I have no home to go back to, yet. So I find a sketchy motel where I can rest until I figure out a better plan. I have to be smart. Rather, I have to outsmart Michael, it won't be easy.
The smell of the room nauseates me and my eyes grow accustomed to the dim light. I struggle to keep myself straight but the physical abuse has reached its limit. The cold seems to follow me and I collapse on harsh sheets. I don't cry anymore. I suspect I don't have anymore tears left to shed. I am left alone, I am left with the numbness where he rested. But not for long, not for long I promise myself.
My eyes grow heavy and my breath slows down, and I feel him. I can feel Michael pulling me towards him. I can feel myself trying to flow in his direction. I can feel me ignoring all the reasons why I should run and listing to the one that begs me to stay. Nonetheless I am waiting, no, I am fighting to be the us we deserve to be. Without running. Without regrets. Just like that, I drift away to the only place where I can meet him again, the land of dreams.
I wake up to the rising sun and the stiffness of my body begging for release. Naturally, I reach for him on my left side to find the end of an empty bed. I am bewildered at what hurts most, the lack of his warmth next to me or the sight of my naked left ring finger that mocks me with the bitterness of a broken promise.
My hearts feels heavy in my chest but I know what I have to do. It is time to keep my feelings in check if I want to fulfill this final mission. I need to be intelligent and fast, there is a life that's waiting for me to get back.
Before I start mission prep I remember something. When we first moved in to our loft, I insisted on bugging the house. Just the living room at least, just for countermeasure. I never thought it would be of much help but it reassured me just as much as the hidden glock in the kitchen. I push my way out of the bed and rush to the laptop. It's a long shot so I try to not get my hopes up.
My hands tremble as I type the code to the server, I have to be careful not to trigger any flags that may show my location. My eyes scan through the screen until I find the date and approximate time, maybe he went back to tell me something. One last message, for now.
Tears immediately fill my eyes as I watch him enter the house. The image is not crystal clear but I can perfectly see how he's staring at the ring on his left palm. He looks so defeated and helpless, the empty house now looks too big for him. He crouches next to the coffee table, resting his back on the couch and when he speaks my breath's caught up in my throat.
"I guess it was a good idea to bug this place huh? Thank God I listened to you... I need to know that you'll hear this. I -uh I don't really know where to begin," He clears his throat and fumbles with the jewelry on his hand. "I remember that I spent so much time thinking and looking for this ring." A sad smile makes its way to his lips. "I had this idea that, if I found the perfect ring for you everything would work out." he chuckles and my fingers curl into a fist leaving angry red half-moons in my palms.
"Baby please come back," He stumbles over the sentence through shaking lips. "Or tell me where you are and I'll meet you there. Wherever." His voice is just above a whisper and it kills me inside. "I understand how you don't want to get the others in trouble but you cannot just leave me alone. After all we've overcome..." I am gasping for air and my shaking hands reach for his face on the screen. 'I am so sorry' I whisper to the still morning air.
His hands cradle his face and the slight quiver of his shoulders is not lost in me. "You know I am going to go looking for you right?" His voice is strained and his hands are trembling. "I trust you, but there is no way in hell I'm letting you go through this by yourself. You don't have to be alone sweetheart." He tilts his head back and stares up at the ceiling.
His eyes are glistening from unshed tears. "Remember that if there is someone who can find you, is me. I have experience." I watch helplessly as the words dances out of his mouth and scatters into the empty house.
My chest is heavy with burden and all I want to do is run back to him. But, the memory of him flat lining is still fresh in my head, it gives me courage to finish this fight once and for all.
I can't bare looking at him like this anymore but just when I'm about to close the laptop shut, his voice freezes me in place. "I love you Nikita. I hope you can hear this, I love you so damn much. Please, come back to me." He mumbles, muffled by the proximity of his lips to his hands.
I run towards the bathroom and splash my face with cold water. I cannot afford to break down. I don't have time to waste and I've had my fair share of tears. I try to find comfort in the fact that even if I am lost and broken to bits, each and every bit is for his sake. We deserve a better ending and that is exactly what I'm fighting for.
Today is one of those days where all I wish is that I could crawl into a cocoon and close my eyes tight. And after the wind is done trying it's best to knock me down, crawl back out as something more.
I gather my things and throw them in my duffel bag. People know who I am now, I don't have the upper hand anymore, anonymity is not on my side. I have tons of things to plan and there is no time.
Before I rush out the door, I silently pray that he'll forgive me when I'm done. But most of all, I implore to the gods that he won't find me. Because I am no longer sure how much I can take. I don't know if I could run away again if our paths were to cross again.
I gently place two fingers in my lips and remember the last time his met my own. The sweet taste of his lips somehow still lingers on mine, and I hate myself for not making it last longer. Memories of him and the promise of a life by his side is what will give me strength.
As I drive away I wonder; Will he know how often I'll speak of him when he is not around? How often I'll mouth words and phrases to the space he should be filling? I wipe one last sneaky tear, and I don't look back. I won't ever look back.
"I love you too, Michael." I say to my ears to hear. "So damn much."
There you have it. I'm going to trust Craig and the writers to give our Nikita a well deserved happy ending. I need them to be happy and together, I don't care if it's on the last 5 minutes of the last episode of the show. They deserve it!
I hope you enjoyed the story and please leave a review. Can't wait to hear what you thought of it.