Wow it has been a long time since I've written fanfiction! Anyway, some people might recognise this story from when I published it in 2008! I've taken down the first version and I'm reposting with quite a few changes :) Hope you enjoy
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Do you ever think of me, Edward? Just once or twice since you left me? Do you remember how much I loved you?
Argh! I was so angry with myself! Couldn't I stand just a couple of hours without thinking of him? Obviously not. I was disgusted with my lack of control.
It had been six long years since Edward had left me, and yet it still hurt. Sure, the pain had eased, with the help of Jacob and the rest of the wolves. But every few hours I would still find my thoughts drifting to Edward; to the Cullens; to what my life would be like now if they had never left…
Stop it, Bella! I yelled at myself, he's not worth it! And anyway, I was married to Jake. I shouldn't be thinking of any other man, let alone him. It's not like you're not happy, I reminded myself. And I was. I had a pleasant and fulfilling life, and I loved Jake. Of course I did, otherwise I wouldn't have married him. But it was such a friendly, comfortable love, not the fireworks-and-explosions kind I had felt for Edward. A different love, yet just as strong.
But no matter how much I adored Jacob, I couldn't stop Edward entering my thoughts nearly every day, not to mention my dreams every night. It made me feel so guilty, knowing that whilst I cooked Jake's dinner, or cuddled him in bed, I couldn't help thinking of someone else.
I had got better at stopping the daydreams. Every time I realised where my thoughts were leading, I would immediately focus on all the things I loved about Jake and the life he had provided for me. It was a technique I had established when Jake had proposed, when I realised I couldn't in good faith marry him when I still indulged in fantasies about another man.
Not only did this trick help get my thoughts back under control, but it also served as a reminder to be grateful for how lucky I was. I had my beautiful family, not just Charlie and Jake and the baby, but the pack too. Now we lived in La Push, I regularly hung out with Emily and Leah, as well as Seth, Quil and Embry.
I had my work, which I loved. I'd finished my teaching degree, and now I was looking after cute first-graders in a school in Port Angeles. It was fun.
I had my regular life, time spent with just my husband and our daughter, moments that were so nice and happy. I wished we had more of them. Our house was small, but cosy and modest – and absolutely perfect for me. Jake had bought it for me as a wedding gift when we'd married three years ago, and I had been thrilled. It had been wonderful to decorate and make the house into a home for my family.
So I was happy. And content. This was how my life was supposed to be. If there was no such thing as vampires, and I'd never met Edward, this is how my life would have naturally progressed. I wouldn't have known any better. It was a comfort to know that this was the way things were supposed to be. My time with the Cullens had just been an interlude; a brilliant, dream-like break from the rest of my normal life.
With a start, I was woken from my reverie. The phone was ringing. I rushed to get it, but the person hung up before I could get there. But of course the noise caused my little girl to wake from her nap. Damn. She'd only slept for an hour.
With a slight smile, I scooped my daughter out of her cot. Hope was two years old, and looked like a mini version of me; her straight hair was brown but a little darker than mine (from her Quileute roots), she had my chocolate brown eyes, and my blush. The only thing she had from Jake was her chin.
Cuddling Hope to my chest, I thought about the joy she had brought me. My pregnancy had been unplanned, and to say I had been nervous was an understatement. I hadn't even finished my degree at Seattle University when I'd found out, and I'd immediately panicked. I'd only been twenty-two, still living at home with my father, and with no job or career prospects. How was I supposed to care for a child? Abortion and adoption had crossed my mind during those first few weeks, but once I'd told Jake, he was so ecstatic that I knew there was no way I could take his baby from him. Back then, I still felt guilty that a part of my heart still belonged to Edward, and I wanted to make it up to Jacob.
So my pregnancy had passed in a blur of emotions. Panic, as I tried to revise for my final exams whilst coping with morning (or all day!) sickness and mood swings. Fear, that I would be a terrible Mom as I'd never really felt I had a 'mothering instinct'. Resentment, because I was only really keeping this baby for Jake's sake; and guilt, because I couldn't be as thrilled as he was. But happiness too, for example when I felt the baby kick for the first time, or married Jake in a quiet, private wedding.
I'd chosen Hope's name when I was pregnant, and it represented a lot of things for me. Hope that I'd manage to be a good mother, hope that I'd get a good job and be able to provide for my daughter, hope that she'd have a wonderful life, hope that Jake and me and our baby would be happy, even some hope that I would forget Edward.
But when Hope had been born; once she'd been placed in my arms for the first time; all my fears had disappeared and I wondered how I could ever have thought about giving her up. She was so perfect, and I thanked God that I'd gone through with the pregnancy. I knew now that as long as I had her, everything would be alright. It didn't matter if I never fulfilled my dream of being a teacher or if I was never truly satisfied with being Jake's wife – I'd always have Hope. And as she grew, as she reached each milestone, I realised that I was a good mother, a fantastic mother even. Simply put, Hope was everything to me.
"Might as well get you ready, honey," I said. I'd been hoping she'd sleep for another hour, but now she was up, there was no way I could get her back to bed. And we were supposed to be going out tonight – Jake had just completed a top qualification in mechanics. I knew Hope would appreciate the extra time to 'make herself look pretty'. I had no idea where she got it from, but Hope was a total girly girl. Every chance she got, she'd dress up with play jewellery and facepaint make-up.
"Which dress, Hope?" I asked her, holding out a pink lace monstrosity that had been a gift from Charlie (and which I longed to throw out) and a pretty blue velvet dress.
"Want pink, Mommy!" I couldn't help grinning – I shouldn't even have bothered asking. I might hate the pink dress but it was Hope's favourite. She wore it as much as she could, and I dreaded the day when it would no longer fit her.
As I watched Hope sort through her coloured plastic bangles, I wondered where Jake was. It was almost six now, and he'd said he'd be home hours ago. I wasn't worried – he'd gone to see Quil around midday, and chances were the two had just got caught up playing video games or running around in the woods. Boys. I just hoped Jake made it back in time for our 7.30 reservation.
I'd showered and dressed, and was watching the Disney channel with Hope when the door opened. It was after seven now, and I'd texted and called Jake several times, with no reply.
"Stay here a sec, hon." I told Hope, planning to give Jake a piece of my mind. He may act like a big kid most of the time, but it wasn't like him to forget his responsibilities and I was surprised he'd disregarded our dinner plans.
I knew something was wrong by the look on Jake's face when he saw me. He looked ashamed, upset, as well as some stronger emotion that I couldn't quite place. My mind immediately jumped to various conclusions, and I felt bad that I'd assumed he was fine. Had he been hurt? Had another Quileute boy joined the pack? Was there a vampire on the loose?
"Jake? What's going on?" I asked, trying to get rid of the hysterical note in my voice.
"Bells…look…I…" he seemed lost for words, and kept his eyes trained on the carpet.
"Jacob! What's wrong?!" I said anxiously.
Jake glanced up and looked me straight in the eye, "Bella… I need to tell you something. Can we sit down?' He went and kissed Hope on the forehead, making sure she was still occupied by the TV, before gently taking my hand and leading me into the kitchen, where he closed the door behind us. 'I don't want Hope to hear us,' he muttered at my questioning look.
My heart was racing. I had no idea what was going on, but surely it couldn't be good, not with how serious Jake was acting. My breath suddenly caught. What if something had happened to Charlie? Oh my god.
Jake gestured to the chair in front of me and I almost fell onto it. I wished he'd just get on with it and tell me the bad news, whatever it was. He took the seat opposite me and once again grasped my hand across the table.
'Bella, before I say anything else, I want you to know how sorry I am. And I want you to know that I didn't choose this, and I wish… I really wish it hadn't happened, but it has. And there isn't anything any of us can do about it.' Jacob looked anguished, his dark eyes staring beseechingly into mine, as if asking for forgiveness. But what did I have to forgive?
My mouth felt dry, even when I swallowed. I didn't understand.
'Bells… I… there's no easy way to say this, but… I… I've imprinted, Bella. I've imprinted on someone. Someone who isn't you.'
That's all for now! Hopefully I'll be able to post more in the next week or so, but I'm having quite a busy time at uni so I'm not sure.
Also, if anyone's interested, I'm littleloreal on tumblr! Gotta warn you, I mostly post Harry Potter stuff :)
Love and kisses