I stuffed my hands inside my pockets, still feeling slightly shaken from all of the events that had been wrapped up in a single day. To think it had all started by waking up next to Cas… To think how much of an impact he had on me in such a short amount of time was frankly, terrifying.
But no matter how much my own emotional distress frightened me, I couldn't go on letting Cas believe himself to be in the wrong. Because as I searched over my memories from just a short ten minutes ago, Cas had looked derailed by my actions.
I felt awful about it. He was a great guy who had taken my brother and I off the streets, seduced me with his charm and strong hands and thoughtful first aid and his stupid cooking and horror movies and we had something together I'd never felt with anyone else before, to say the least.
I felt safe. For the first time since my mother died, Cas made me feel safe and loved in a way I hadn't felt in nearly fourteen years.
But at the same time, it was so much better than it was all those year ago.
Because I understood what it was to be on edge. To be afraid of when I was going to eat next, or if I was going to have to bandage myself up and pour alcohol into gashes on my ribs and cry alone in the bathroom where my little brother sat outside and waited.
I knew what it was like to struggle.
And now, how it felt, to not have to.
"Hey." I said, staring at the petite desk Cas called his own.
He didn't look up right away. Instead he shifted in his seat and flipped the page of the report he was panning through.
"..Hi." He answered meekly. Shit.
I pulled up a chair and sat myself next to him, leaning my elbows on the desk by his own.
"Classified, actually. You probably shouldn't see this." Cas said monotonously.
"Add that to the lengthy list of things I shouldn't have done." I chuckled half-heartedly. Mostly to fill the silence.
Cas just seemed to tense even further. Fuck. Oh god why did I say that?
"I didn't mean…"
"No," Cas waved, finally turning his head up to look at me. His eyelids were heavy, and he looked very, very tired. "I know what you meant."
"…I don't regret that…" I said, motioning toward the bathroom.
He was silent, but he studied my face for deception. He was a cop after all. It only seemed natural.
He nodded slowly. "Neither do I." And bared a small smile. I let out a sigh of relief.
"I really just had to go check on Sam… I was worried"
Cas understood. "How is he?"
"Good." I answered, then as if I couldn't hold back the small pride in my own accomplishment, "I think I'll let him be on his own a lil more…now."
Cas smiled, although he didn't meet my gaze.
"That's great." He said in earnest.
I quietly touched my forehead to his shoulder, tipping my body down to touch to his.
"I'm really glad you came around." Was all I could say. Because even if I could tell him everything, what he meant to me. Here was not the place. Nor was it the time.
"I am too." A hand brushed my knee.
"I wish we could have met proper though." I whispered. "you know, like normal people. Who go on dates and take steps. I mean…I don't want to sound like a girl..b-"
I was cut off by the sound of Cas's laughter.
"What about that makes you sound like a girl?" He teased.
I deadpanned. Well I didn't mean it like that, I just didn't want to anything but 'manly' in front of Cas. And with a realization of our first meeting, in which I cried on his shoulder, I realized Cas was the first person who saw behind the façade on his first try.
"Well..I just…you know." I gushed out, fidgeting slightly.
"It's okay. I don't think you're 'girly.'"
"Well what a relief." I could taste my own sarcasm.
We didn't say much for some time after that. Cas flipped through his file for a while, and I took a peek once or twice.
After a few minutes Cas finally spoke again.
"So you want to go on a date?"
I felt my cheeks and palms grow hot. I rubbed my hands against my thighs, ignoring the slight tinge in my thigh from the knife wound.
"Um.." I coughed, "It would be…nice.. I suppose." I turned away, unable to bear the intense glow in Castiel's blazing azure eyes.
"Well, why don't we all go out for dinner? My treat?" Cas asked, not relenting his unbearable gaze until I turned to meet it with my own eyes.
Forget the butterflies; it felt like there was a thunderstorm raging inside my stomach.
"Sam… you mean?" I asked in an unsteady voice.
"Yes, considering you don't like to leave him out of your sight."
"Well I did say I intended to do so more often…"
"Well then maybe him and Jessica can have some time in the house. You and I could go out."
It sounded like a great idea. Alas, I was nervous for all the stupidest reasons, too. We had just rutted in the bathroom, confessed our admiration for each other, and he had helped me through so much of my own shit. Yet I was unbelievably anxious about a damned dinner date.
"Yes.." I finally choked out.
"Great." He answered, a smile hidden on his face as he looked back to his paperwork.
I really wish he didn't look away. I wanted to see that smile.
I really loved those smiles of his.