I awoke with an absolutely pounding headache. This was in and of itself not all that unusual for me. I remembered something about a beautiful woman and vigorous exercise, and smiled faintly to myself. Good times. I should have gone darkside ages ago.
A sudden explosion bucked me off the floor, and I rubbed my head, finding an already swelling bump on top of a barely healed one. And then I remembered.
"Malak! You two timing, backstabbing, fun killing BASTARD!" I growled, sitting up and finding myself in a rather odd looking ensemble. Nothing like my normal Alderaanian silk undies, let me tell you that. And no sign of the beautiful woman, who had been a part of the jedi strike team...
"What the bloody hell is going on?" I muttered, glancing around for my lightsaber, or at the very least a mug of coffee to wake myself.
Oh come off it. You can call it whatever you want, but it's coffee. It's dark, its brown, its bitter, and it's got caffeine. I don't know what they call it on your world, but to me it will always be coffee. None of that recaf or stimtea nonsense.
Just was I was orienting myself and rubbing my aching head while cursing the sudden but inevitable betrayal of my idiot apprentice, a man burst into the room in the uniform of a Republic soldier.
"Ferc Kyja! Come on, we have to get to Bastila and get off this ship before the sith destroy us!" The man cried, hauling me to my feet.
Bastila? That name rang a bell somewhere, but I pushed it away. "Who the hell are you? And who is this Kyja fellow?" I tried to shock the bastard with lightning, but I was to disorintated still to focus the nessessary energies. Besides, once I thought about it, I was better off asking questions first and frying later.
"I'm Trask Ulgo, I'm your bunkmate, Ferc! We work opposite shifts, so that's why we've never really talked."
Was it just me, or did his eyes shift away when he said that? "Now quick, grab those weapons and we have to get to Bastila!"
I hurried over to grab the weapons. I didn't know what Trask was going on about, but I was Darth Revan. Bane of the Mandalorians, terror of the Republic, and the galaxies most eligible bachelor and premier lover. However, I was in no condition to fight off a Republic soldier, and Trask had the uniform of one of the Republics elite commandos. A master of the force like me is a weapon to be reckoned with in combat and the equal of anything alive, dead, or otherwise. However, that does not mean I can afford to be cocky. Why, one of my most promising apprentices, a lovely little thing by the name of Perki Tittos was killed by a Republic commando like this Trask fellow in a duel. Even with the force, overconfidence can easily be your doom. The galaxy will forever be lessened without Perki's massive... Charisma.
I opened the indicated footlocker, and to my disappointment found nothing more than a simple blade and a standard issue blaster along with a bottom-rack combat vest. Hardly suitable gear for a sith lord like myself.
Well, OK, that last bit is sort of a stretch. I've met the real sith, and let me tell you, those idiots are almost as bad as the jedi, maybe even worse. They're always brooding, plotting behind peoples back, and wearing far too much eyeliner. Not to mention rhapsodizing about "the allure of the darkside," whatever that means. They do however, have one tremendous advantage to my mind over the jedi: they get laid. Some of the stuffier ones don't, the ones who spend all their time getting a rush off of torturing small animals and doing petty acts of evil like stealing ice cream cones from little rodians and cackling to themselves about it, but a good number of them are deliciously kinky.
One of them, Darth Yellta, had taken me under her wing, so to speak, and shown me just why the dark side was the side for me. Or at least the side I happened to prefer. The things that woman could do with the force, and the number of latex and rubber toys she had was simply delightful. I confess, I normally prefer to be the dominate one, but with Yelta I was but the apprentice and she my wonderful mistress. If only she hadn't caught me with those twin twilek initiate twins, Malak and I could have lived our lives on the Sith home world in peace. But alas, I barely managed to get off the planet with Malak and my research and only a simple robe to cover myself. I had to feed Malak some line about going back to conquer the Republic and prove our worth and become the "true sith" and naturally the poor fool bought it hook line and sinker. Malak was always the gullible sort. And traitorous. The worm.
Anyway, back to the present, where the Republic ship I was apparently on was still under fire. I decided to forgo the armor as it hampers my more potent abilities and picked up the blaster and sword. Some jedi distain blasters, but they are remarkably effective in the hand of a force adapt. Or in the hands of any old fool really. Never under estimate the ability of complete fools to surprise you and kill you. Like for example, a backstabbing apprentice deciding to use his battleship to blow yours to bits while you were preoccupied with a jedi strike team and trying to decide whether you should kill them all, or spare Bastila for her beauty and battle meditation and introduce the pleasures of the darkside to her that the jedi masters had tried to hide.
Wait! "Bastila, is she on this ship?" I asked Trask.
He nodded, carefully studying me. I put an idiotic grin on my face, the kind favored by smugglers who think too highly of themselves and slimy business men the galaxy over. He seemed to relax a bit at that smile, and nodded. "Don't you remember? Bastila is the commanding officer of this ship! It was her battle meditation that let us ambush Darth Revan's ship and take him out. You are a recent transfer though, command thought your skills as a smuggler could be of use to us in the battle against the sith."
"Oh yes, the Republic forever and all that. I take it those nasty sith blighters are attacking us now?"
"Yes, they are. Come on, we have to rescue Bastila!" With that, Trask turned to the door tried to open it.
"Damn! The ships in security lockdown! I'll have to bypass it." He swore, taking out a rather sad looking slicer.
"Allow me," I took the slicer and easily got the door open. In my career, I discovered that there were often places others would rather I not go, and that those places often contained things I was rather fond of. Like say, credits, dirty photos, or intelligence I could use to lever some sort of advantage. As such, from an early age I cultivated an ability to get into any computer system and open any lock ever made. Even with the piece of junk slicer, I easily got the lock open without even tapping into my force abilities. You never know when solving a problem with simple wits and ordinary tools will open up paths that using the force closed off.
"Simple, when you know how," I said, pocketing the slicer. Trask had the good graces to acknowledge that the tool was likely better off in my possession.
"Come on, we have to get to the bridge!"
Single minded fellow, but for a Republic dog, not all that bad. I was still wondering why he hadn't taken one look at me and screamed, "Death to the Sith!" and tried to skewer me with that oversized nerf sticker he was carrying around at his side.
We rushed down the corridor, though I could sense a battle going on right ahead. I slowed down just a bit, allowing Trask to take the lead. It wouldn't do any good to rush into a situation where I had no idea what was going on, if my forces were still loyal to me or if they were now serving my idiotic apprentice. And of course, if there were Republic troops around the corner that were a tad more perceptive then Trask, that wouldn't do either. With no lightsaber, all it would take was a stray blaster bolt and I would be leaking precious fluids that I would just as soon stay in my body.
There were several of my troops fighting Republic soldiers, and to my shock, the sergeant took one look at Trask and myself and shouted, "More of them, cut them down men!"
For their part, the soldiers let out a ragged cheer when Trask and I approached. "Thank the force, reinforcements!" Their leader cried.
I let out a bloodthirsty roar of my own and cried, "For the, erm, Republic!"
After all, I could always find more troops, and I was going to fight on the side that didn't appear to want me dead at the moment. I stuck to the blaster, it being rather more deadly than the shoddy blade. I won't claim to be a crack shot by any means, but I am proficient enough to hit a man sized target at ten paces, force or no force. I've always told my minions that if they can't hit a target at ten meters, they themselves will be used for target practice. It's a bit of a joke, but you never know. It doesn't do to have an army that can't hit the broad side of a rancor.
The other Republic soldiers were cut down by the far more efficient sith, but Trask showed commando stripes and quickly dispatched the sergeant while I cut down the other two with my blaster. Thankfully they hadn't had any shields, and I knew all the weak places in their armor. I had paid for it, after all.
"Nice shooting!" Trask cheered. His chipper attitude really was confusing. Why on Earth would a Republic command be so enthused about having Darth Revan on his team?
I holstered my blaster. "Right. Let's get off of this sorry piece of junk as soon as we can. Let's find Bastila. I look forward to... Finishing our last discussion."
Bastila was the Republic's secret weapon. She was able to tap into the force and boost the effectiveness of an entire fleet while hampering her opponents. Even a master tactician and strategist such as myself could be stymied by the efforts of a single jedi using battle meditation, and I salivated at the thought of turning her to my side. And not just because of her battle mediation.
As we hurried along, I sensed two jedi battling. Sensing an opportunity to collar Bastila and find one of my apprentices, I broke into a sprit and slammed to button to open the door.
"A dark jedi!" Trask gasped. "We'd better stay out of this, we'll just get in the way."
The dark jedi spun away and caught a glimpse of me. "You are next, Republic scum."
So much for finding a loyal apprentice. If you can't even recognize the true Dark Lord of the sith, you don't deserve to live.
"I think not." Drawing my blaster, I fired at the would be dark jedi several time.
"Ha! Such pitiful weapons, you cannot hope to slay me!" He cried as he easily deflected the blaster shots.
"No," I admitted as the jedi skewered the fool. "But I can distract you."
Just then, I sensed an incoming attack, and dived toward the jedi, dragging her out of the danger zone.
"Wha-" She gasped, but then we were flung aside by an overloading power station.
I scrambled to my feet and helped the jedi up. "You're welcome."
She frowned at me, but then nodded. "Thank you, that explosion could have killed me."
Trask hurried forward, glancing at the fallen dark jedi. "Wow Ferc, that was impressive. I can see why the jedi wanted you aboard."
"Quite," I agreed. "Now come on." I glanced at the jedi, who limped forward. "Are you injured?"
She winced and nodded. "Yes, lucky you came along when you did, he scoured me with his lightsaber, I was on the ropes."
"Think nothing of it," I answered grandly, playing the part of the dashing rogue to the hilt. "Come on, we'll get you to Bastila and get you off the ship." Putting the jedi's arm around my shoulder, I helped her hobble out. As we passed by the fallen sith, I faked a stumble and pocketed the man's data pad and lightsaber. You never knew when extra intel or better weapons would come in handy.
We continued on toward the sound of more fighting, and I gently set my companion down. "Well mistress jedi, why don't you let Trask and I take care of this."
"No." She stated, drawing herself up and activating her lightsaber. "I am Breni Telgo, padawan of the jedi order. I shall not be slowed by my injuries."
I shrugged. Fine by me, while I would hate to lose a potential recruit, better her then me. And if she did discover who I was, I would have to kill her anyway. "You're the jedi."
We ran forward just as the last of a group of Republic defenders fell to the assault of more of my skilled commandos. To my regret, they took one look at me and opened fire. I guess that's what you get for wearing a full mediation mask all the time. No one recognizes you when you take it off. Advantageous when you're sneaking into the slave quarters for a romp with a nubile rodian, not so much when stranded behind enemy lines after your apprentice betrays you.
I quickly dispatched one with a shot to the neck, a weak point in sith armor. Breni got a pair engaged with her lightsaber, and Trask got into a duel with another commando. Opting to save the most attractive party member, I sunk around behind Breni's foes and shot both of them in the back. Not terribly sporting of me, but then again, fighting fair was never my style. In that time Trask managed to dispatch his opponent, and I bent to salvage what I could from the fallen. One of the Republic troopers was carrying a medkit, and I took it and applied it to Breni's side.
"This might sting a bit," I warned.
She bit her lip, but sighed with relief once the kolto flooded into her system. "That's much better, thank you soldier."
I recoiled in mock offense. "Solider? What do you take me for? I'm an honest smuggler."
She giggled at that, but before I could wiggle deeper into her confidence, Trask interrupted. "Come on, we don't have much time."
I sighed and nodded, and jogged after the kill joy. Even if the ship was under attack, there was always time to flirt with a cute padawan. Especially one that I thought might be susceptible to the allure of the dark side.
Trask opened the door ahead of us, and to my shock, Darth Bandon, Malak's foremost pupil strode toward us. Trask rushed in and slammed the close button, shouting, "Go, get to Bastila, I'll hold the sith!"
"No, he's too much for you!" Breni shouted, but it was too late. Trask was gone. Good though he may have been, I had no illusions that he could take Bandon in a fair fight. Or any other kind of fight for that matter.
"Come on, he's gone now," I urged. "There's no point in both of you dying. Besides, you are in no condition to take on another jedi at the moment."
Nodding reluctantly, Breni allowed herself to be dragged further down the corridor. We came to another door, but I held up a hand. I could sense a large group of foes behind the portal. "Wait, something feels off." I cautioned.
For a moment, Breni scowled, then gasped. "Yes, there are almost a dozen sith troopers behind the door. I don't know if we can take them all."
Glancing around, I spied a damaged droid and a bin of parts. "I have a plan, hold on."
In a few moments, I managed to repair the worst of the damage to the droid and get its weapons and shields functional. I had tinkered around with building droids myself, even making an assassin model I was rather proud of, if for no other reason than that HK had been one of the most entertaining companions I'd ever had. Far better than the dour, ever serious Malak, who had immediately taken offense to HK calling him "meatbag." That alone was worth the hours of effort it had taken to construct HK.
"There, that should do it." I activated the droid and set it to patrol through the portal and grinned at Breni. "Normally I'd say ladies first, but in this case I'll make an exception."
She grinned at me and winked. "I appreciate it."
The droid did the trick, catching our opponents off guard and giving me time to sneak around and shoot several of them in the back. Breni stayed behind the droid, knocking over several troopers with force attacks. She wasn't half bad really, and with proper training might even make a proper sorceress.
"That's the last of them," Breni panted, holding her wounded side again.
I nodded and slipped her arm around my shoulder again. "You did well, most jedi don't seem to have the skill necessary to take out so many foes so quickly."
Breni frowned and looked away. "I know, I've always struggled with my anger. After seeing Trask sacrifice himself, I felt like I wanted to kill every sith in the world. My master is always cautioning me against that."
I shrugged as we limped along. "I'm no jedi master, but it seems to me that if your anger is what's keeping us alive, that's a good thing. I've always been fond of my emotions myself. Especially lust. That's a good one."
That got a squawk of startled indignation out of Breni, but she didn't tell me to stop helping her. Progress! We continued on to the bridge, where I sensed more foes. I kept silent though, it wouldn't do for Breni to get suspicious.
"Wait, there's more of them inside," She panted.
"Really? I have just the thing." I pulled out two grenades I had salvaged from the fallen commandos; they were technically mine after all.
One gratuitous explosion later, the bridge was clear of pesky traitors and Republic troopers. We hurried inside, and Breni groaned in frustration. "No, Bastila and the other jedi are already gone!"
The ship rocked with further hits, and I checked the course, then glanced out the view port. "We don't have much time. We're on a collision course for that planet."
Breni nodded, biting her lip again. She was just so cute when she did that. I looked forward to educating her. "Right, come on then, the escape pods are this way."
We continued along, fighting a couple more groups of sith, but not seeing any further Republic troops. I almost felt bad for having to kill so many of my own men. Normally I left the idiotic execution of our own troops to Malak, preferring to use other means of extorting my men and encouraging them to do better. No one ever learned from their mistakes if you killed them after they screwed up, and its simply terrible personal management. No one will want to work for you if they know your liable to force choke them at the drop of a pin. Just because you aren't a light side fairy doesn't mean you have to be a stupidly evil twat either.
Finally, we reached the escape pods, where another survivor was waiting. "I'm Carth Onasi, I've been monitoring your progress. You're the last two. Come on we have to take the remaining escape pod."
Together, Carth and I loaded Breni into the escape pod and bade farewell to the Endar Spire.
I started. Just how the bloody hell did I know the name of the ship? I groaned softly as we fell toward the plant. This was turning out to be a rather rotten holiday.
A little something I wrote while I was bored at a hotel. Hope you enjoyed it!
Yes, I'm aware canonically Breni should be a jedi master. However, that doesn't really make any sense, as a jedi master should have seen that explosion coming. Hence her downgrade to padawan.