This is my first (finished) fanfiction. It's better (and absolutely stranger) than I thought it would be. Don't underestimate my powers just because of these first three sentences.
ONESHOT. WILL NOT BE CONTINUED.
I own nothing.
"What are they?"
Jack Frost stared at E. Aster Bunnymund as if the Pooka had grown a second head. "Haven't you ever seen one before?"
Bunny scrutinized the small brown rectangles cautiously. There were five of them, perfectly aligned on one of North's baking sheets. They looked like they were made of some sort of…chocolate, possibly. But they were coated in a light layer of frost, as was the metal baking sheet. A minute before, Bunny had hopped into the Globe Room of the North Pole to see Jack Frost bent over something at a table, holding out his staff like a child might hold a twig when confronted by an interesting new insect. He had been poking the magical staff at these…things, whatever they were. Hence the question.
"No," said Bunny simply.
Jack grinned. "They're Snickers bars."
The name rang a bell. Usually, Bunny liked to stick with his solid eggs, with the actual yolk and the actual white and the actual shell. But more recently he had taken to sneaking the candy out of the plastic eggs the parents of children liked to put out for him. It annoyed him, so, mostly out of spite, he replaced the original candy with bigger and better candy for the kids. He had used many different brands of candy over the years depending on what was in, and a prominent name among them was Snickers. Yes. He had seen these before. But never in this size. They were about four inches long and an inch wide, whereas all of the Snickers bars Bunny had ever come in contact with were either about one and a half inch long or a plain one square inch.
"I know what they are, ya gumbies," Bunny scowled. "Just never seen them so… big."
The winter spirit laughed. "Oh, you're used to those 'fun size' ones? 'Fun size' –– what a joke. What's really fun is the big, original ones. And even better, 'king size'. Oh, the good old days. When there was no such thing as 'fun size'."
Bunny's frown deepened. "Just one thing." Jack's dark eyebrow went up questioningly, and Bunny lowered his voice as if afraid someone might be listening. "Why are ya freezing them?"
Jack stared at him again, but this time there was a mischievous glint in his blue eyes. Bunny had a brief, terrifying flashback of the time Jack had given the elves paintball guns –– the winter sprite had had the exact same devious light in his eyes. Involuntarily, Bunny's eyes widened, and he stepped back a bit.
Jack couldn't disguise his grin as he asked the next question. "Have you ever tried eating a frozen Snickers bar?"
The five Guardians assembled around the table where the five frozen candy bars lay. As Jack explained how to play his new game, no one missed the obvious arrogance in his voice. He was positive that he would win. Although, in fact, he had never participated in this game before, he felt confident that victory was his. He'd rigged the other bars –– a certain Snickers bar at the far left was chewier and less frozen than the others. The rest were rock hard, frozen to the core.
"No way!" Toothiana had objected immediately. "Those things are chock full of sugar."
"That's, uh, kind of the point, Tooth," said Jack.
"Sugar rots teeth. Do the math, Jack. I'm not going to play this game, and if the rest of you want to, you better brush your teeth right after!"
Jack shrugged. "Fine then. Tooth, you can be the referee. And your girls can hand out toothbrushes, toothpaste, and floss when we finish."
The Mini Fairies nodded enthusiastically. Five of them fluttered away and came back a few seconds later, four of them each holding a different-colored toothbrush and one of them carrying a travel-sized tube of Crest.
Jack tossed Tooth a stopwatch, and she fiddled with it for a few seconds before saying, "Got it."
"Any more objections?" asked Jack sarcastically, and he was surprised when Bunny raised a paw.
"Yeah, I got one," the Pooka said sardonically. "I don't eat chocolate, mate."
"Why not?" asked Jack, but then he remembered. "Oh."
Bunny gave a sinister smile. "Yeah."
"So Tooth won't play, and Bunny's out unless we all agree to have a six-armed Pooka competing," and at this North and Sandy exchanged a glance and simultaneously shook their heads.
"Okay, so everyone take a Snickers," instructed Jack, and he, North, and Sandy each selected one. Jack snatched the one on the left, the one that he hadn't frozen so much.
"Ready," said Tooth. Each of the Guardians gripped their candy bars. "Set…" They brought them closer to their mouths. "Go!"
All three competing Guardians immediately started gnawing.
Bunny only laughed.
It was only after Jack started chewing that he realized his mistake.
He had made his softer than the others, which in theory was a good tactic. But theory did not apply to winter sprites. He sank his teeth into the candy bar, confident in his little trick, until his tongue brushed against it and immediately froze it solid. Surprised, Jack yanked it out of his mouth. The entire Snickers bar was now even harder and more frozen than North's or Sandy's.
He sighed. Guess he'd just have to do this the hard way.
Nicholas St. North swallowed the now-soft remnants of his Snickers bar. His powerful jaws and warm breath had broken right through the frozen chocolate, nuts, and caramel. "DONE!" he shouted, and Tooth pressed the record button on the stopwatch.
"Thirty-two minutes and seventeen seconds," she said, which was followed abruptly by the order, "I need a toothbrush and a nice helping of Crest! Stat!" Two Mini Fairies fluttered over and gave North a red plastic toothbrush, which already had the minty goo squirted on the bristles.
Sandy and Jack were now in the run for second place. Jack was struggling in this battle, his former arrogance completely gone. Not everything he touched froze, usually. He seemed to have lost this control in the battle against the Snickers bar.
Every time Jack breathed, he only made his candy bar harder and harder to chew.
"Fifty-six minutes and forty-three seconds," said Tooth, pressing the record button on the stopwatch, and in quick succession a Mini Fairy handed a proud-looking Sanderson Mansnoozie a yellow toothbrush.
Jack was still chewing.
Exactly two days, seven hours, fifty-three minutes, and eighteen seconds later, Jack was still chewing.
Every time he thought he was breaking through, it would freeze again. He was now no longer concentrating on eating the entire thing; he just wanted to get a bite off it. No one really cared now how he ate it. In fact, no one was really watching. Sandy had fallen asleep somewhere and disappeared in the morning. North had returned to his workshop. Tooth had fluttered off to her palace, leaving the still-running stopwatch with Jack. Bunny had left for his Warren, claiming that he didn't care what Jack did, although they all knew that there was a camera hidden somewhere and that at that moment, Bunny was lounging in his Warren and laughing his tail off.
The poor winter sprite had tried everything. He'd held the Snickers bar close to the fireplace to soften it, only to recoil at the heat. He'd tried to scrape off the layers of chocolate bit by bit, only to find that even those refroze in his mouth and were very uncomfortable to swallow. He'd even tried to turn off his freezing power. Many a time did North enter a room to find Jack, with his eyes squeezed shut and the now-deformed Snickers bar sticking out of his mouth, saying, "Freeze power…deactivate! Abracadabra! Make the warmth come to me! Melt this stupid Snickers bar! Go away, frost powers!"
But they didn't.
Finally, after exactly three days, fourteen hours, twenty-five minutes, and fifty-nine seconds, a victorious whoop echoed throughout the North Pole.
"I DID IT! I DID IT!" yelled Jack, swooping and soaring through the air. He burst into North's private workshop, causing North's most recent invention, a helicopter, to shatter on the floor.
"Ah!" gasped the large Russian man, staring down at the broken ice helicopter. "Jack, how many times have I told you to knock?"
"Like, a billion," panted Jack, "but didja hear? I DID IT!"
"Did what?" asked North, finally interested. "Did you finish Snickers bar?"
"No," breathed the winter sprite, pulling two objects from the pocket of his sweatshirt and holding them out to North. It was the Snickers bar, the second object being an inch-long piece that had been broken off. "But I did take my first bite!"
North stared at Jack in what might have been qualified as annoyance, or extreme exasperation. "Well done. Tooth told me give you this." He stuck a blue toothbrush into Jack's mouth, gently shoved the winter sprite out of his private workshop, and slammed the door.
There was a smart remark out there somewhere, both of them knew. Instead of searching for it, they both just sighed.
I don't know what this was. My brain gone haywire, I suppose.
I took wild guesses to as how long it would take someone to eat a frozen solid Snickers bar, because I couldn't find it on the Internet and didn't feel like testing it out myself. If anyone can tell me, Jack will give you the pieces of his candy bar.