Disclaimer: We don't own the DBZ crew, a rich Japanese man does. We don't own the original fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk" and we don't want to either.

Rating: PG 13

Warnings: Parody, humor, insanity (Havoc's not mine!)

Notes: This is going to be the first in what we hope to become the Fairy Tale arc... a series of fics that defy all logic by placing our wonderful heroes in well known fairy tales and in the process destroying all normal conception of said fairy tales. *insert evil grins here*

Archive: -diaries. Anyone else who wants this bit of random insanity then just ask! ^_^

Goku and the not so Jolly Giant

January 2003 Debs-dragon & Havoc

"And so with the demise of the nasty giant the village once again began to prosper and grow. Jack and his mother became wealthy and lived happily ever after." Goku shut the book and stared into the sleepy face of his son. He reached down and tucked the blankets under Gohan's chin and placed a kiss to the top of his head. "Good night, son."

"Night, dad."

Goku shut the bedroom door softly and made his way back down to the lounge room where Chi Chi was currently engaged in watching a romance movie. She looked up when she spotted his form in the doorway. "Asleep?"

"Just about."

"Good." Chi Chi turned back to the television.

Goku wandered off into the kitchen to get a snack. Raiding the fully stocked 'fridge for sandwich fillings, he turned to the over stuffed pantry for the bread. With his stomach satisfied he went back into the lounge where the movie was coming to an end.

Chi Chi stretched and yawned. "I think I will be off to bed myself. You coming?"

"I'll be up shortly. I think I'll watch a bit more TV first."

"Okay." Chi Chi left and headed up the stairs leaving Goku with the remote.

Goku surfed through the channels looking for something interesting to watch. Time and time again he pressed the button. "Struth, with 67 channels and the cost of satellite you would think there was something decent on," he grumbled. Finally settling on the sports channel he sank back into the over stuffed chair to watch the wrestling, having decided that he may as well watch these guys making idiots of themselves.

Sounds of grunting, the slap of flesh against the hard canvas floor and the hysterical voice of the commentator permeated the lounge room air... along with the gentle snoring of the viewer in the chair, indicating just how riveting the program was.

~ oOo ~

Sunlight filtered through the curtains and washed over the face of the occupant sleeping in the chair. The static buzz of the television penetrated the Saiya-jin's brain and drew him from his slumber. His eyes opened blearily and he gazed around. "Damn! I must have fallen asleep in the chair," he said to no one. He stood up and stretched, feeling his spine pop as the kinks were eased out. His stomach gave a growl. "He, he, he. I think I need some breakfast."

Goku stared at the wavy lines on the screen and switched the unit off. "Funny... I don't hear the sounds of anyone else up yet," he thought and then dismissed it. Turning he went into the kitchen and went in search of food. He checked in the oven... nothing. "Huh?" He scratched the back of his head. "That's funny, Chi Chi usually leaves my breakfast for me. Oh well I guess I will just have to get it myself."

Goku opened the 'fridge. "Huh? Where did all the food go?" He stared forlornly into the empty refrigerator. "I know it was full last night." He shook his head. "Oh well, I'll try the pantry then." As Goku opened the pantry door so a musty smell greeted his nostrils and the echo of a squeaky hinge came back to him. He also came eyeball to eyeball with a rather thin looking mouse.

The mouse gazed right back into onyx and then darted a glance at a small piece of moldy cheese sitting in the corner of the shelf. Goku's eyes followed the glance. Before he had a chance to react, the mouse dived across the shelf, grabbed the piece of cheese and with a smug expression, high tailed it out of the pantry.

"About time you got up you lazy sod!"

Goku jumped at the sound of the voice and smacked his head on the top shelf. "Ouch.. sh.. crap!" He pulled out from within the small area rubbing the back of his head as he did so. "Dammit, Chi Chi, don't sneak... errr... Chi Chi?" Goku stared at the woman before him, she looked like Chi Chi, she spoke like Chi Chi, but the dress was different. Goku rubbed his eyes, he wasn't sure if the whack to the head had sent his optical senses haywire or not. He stared again. Nope his eyes were definitely showing him the same vision. Chi Chi standing in the doorway dressed in a brown shift type dress. At least he thought it was brown, given the number of unidentifiable substances that adorned the thin fabric it could have been any color. The shawl that lay draped over the slim shoulders was another thing. Threadbare and with holes beginning to form, Goku couldn't ever remember having seen his wife dressed so poorly. Chi Chi usually took great pride in her appearance. Her usual outfit of pink and purple was always clean and crisp, freshly laundered and ironed.

"Ummm... how come you're dressed like that?"

Chi Chi looked at him as if he had grown another head and then looked at her outfit. "What do you mean? I always dress like this."

"No you don't, you usually have on your purple and pink dress thingy."

Chi Chi dropped the bucket she was carrying to the floor with a loud thunk. Her hands went to her hips. "I haven't worn anything other than this for the past few years. In case you had forgotten we aren't exactly rolling in wealth you know." Chi Chi picked up the bucket and went to the sink.

Goku looked confused. "Ummm... so what's for breakfast?" He wasn't prepared for the sarcastic laugh that came his way.

"Breakfast? If you want to eat then I suggest you get off your lazy backside and get a JOB! then you can eat."

"But the fridge... it was full last night..."

Chi Chi sighed. "I don't know what's happened to you, Goku, but in case you don't remember we are poor, broke, penniless..."

"Oh. Broke? How come?"

"Because of the giant..."


"Yes. The giant called Vegeta that came here one day and terrorized the village and took everything of value from everyone."


"What are you? A blasted parrot?"

"Parrot?... Oh, sorry."

Chi Chi stared at him. "What's wrong with you?"

"Ummm... I don't know, I can't seem to remember anything after tucking Gohan into bed last night."

At the mention of Gohan's name Chi Chi's face clouded. "Gohan? Who the heck is Gohan?"

"Err... our son? You know, short, dark hair, black eyes sort of like a mini person..."

Chi Chi snorted. "Are you sure you haven't been eating those mushrooms again? You remember what happened last time you ate them."


"Look, Goku, I need you to take the cow to the market and sell him."

"We have a cow?"

"Yes. Don't you remember anything? The giant turned my father into a cow just to spite me."

Goku couldn't help the small smile. His father-in-law, the Ox King, had been turned into a cow? No wonder Chi Chi had called the cow a him and not a her. Then he had an idea. "Hey, Chi Chi, we should keep the cow, I mean we can get milk, cream, butter, cheese and stuff from a cow."

Chi Chi raised an eyebrow. "If you think I'm going to go out there and milk my father then you have another thing coming."

Goku contemplated this for a moment. "Point taken. Maybe we could have a few steaks..."

Chi Chi's face turned purple.

"Or maybe not..."

~ oOo ~

A short while later Goku was on the track leading the cow towards the village and the market.


"Aw, shut up, It wasn't my decision to sell you."


"You can blame Chi Chi if you want to blame anyone."


"Can't you say anything else?"

"Moo... Moo?"

Goku continued walking. He spotted a figure coming towards them and stopped.

"Hello there my friend. And where may I ask are you taking this fine beast?"


"Oh hi, Yajarobi. I'm taking the cow to the market to sell him."

"I think you may have me mixed up with someone else. I'm not this Yajarobi person but a mere merchant. So you are going to sell this fine beast?"


"Umm, yeah. Why, you interested in buying him?"

"I might be. Tell you what, I have these magic sensu beans here. I'll swap you those for the spare ribs."


"You're not going to eat him are you?"

"Oh no, my friend, why would I want to turn him in to steaks, roasts and other succulent cuts when I can put him out in a paddock and watch him mow the grass?"

"Just checking."


The merchant reached into his pocket and withdrew a small cloth bag. he opened it up and checked inside before pulling the drawstring closed again. "Here you go. Inside there are the magic beans. I'll swap you them for the cow."

Goku took the offered bag. "Umm can you hold the cow for a moment while I check?"

"Sure." The merchant took hold of the cow's rope. Goku opened the bag and peered into the dark depths.

"Hey... there's only three beans in here!" Goku looked up. The merchant and the cow had vanished. All he could hear was the forlorn echo as the wind brought the sound to his ears.


~ oOo ~

End part 1 TBC...