The blonde underneath her blinked several times, her swollen kissed lips parted as she stared up at Santana. The younger girl frowned as fear flashed in Brittney's blue orbs, not fear as in being scared of Santana, but fear because of the question. Time seemed to slow down in the blonde's mind, and knots appeared in her stomach, suddenly feeling like she was being suffocated. Her face paled and all of a sudden, Brittany moved out from underneath Santana, jumping up. She fell onto the bed with a soft thump, gazing up at the older girl.
Santana's frown deepened, feeling somewhat rejected as Brittany turned around, like she couldn't look at her. She crossed her legs, her fingers tangling together as she waited for the blonde to talk. But, after a few moments, unable to be silent any longer, Santana spoke up.
"Brittany? Say something, please?"
Brittany spun around,"What do you want me to say, San?"
Deep down Brittany knew what she wanted her to say but she refused to think about it. Santana wanted the blonde to tell her what she had craved to hear for over two years, what she had dreamed about more than once. Santana had heard the three words fall from other girls' lips, including Quinn's, but each time, every single one of them, she had imagined that they were coming from the blonde standing across the room. She never said it back, it was like the words wouldn't leave her if it were anyone else, it never felt right.
But with Brittany, saying those three words, felt perfect.
"You want me to spill my guts to you? You know that I can't say it!"
Santana jumped up from the bed, stalking over to Brittany,"You can say it if you feel it, Britt. I know that you do."
Brittany shook her head, looking down when darker hands covered her pale ones, pulling them away before taking a step away from the younger girl. She adored Santana, she really did. She was funny, smart, strong and even though she denied it, she had a great heart. But what she felt for her was completely different to what Santana felt for her. Brittany knew that they could never be together, not really, not in the way Santana wanted to. They would never be able to come clean to their parents, they would never allow it or give them their blessing.
"San, I ca-"
She felt a hand on her cheek, making her look at the dark haired girl,"I love you, Brittany. Ever since I first met you...when you came over for dinner after your dad and my mom got to together. You told her that her cooking was the best thing you ever tasted, even though she had used that sauce you hate."
Brittany smiled at the memory, back then things were more simple. She and Santana had gotten close quickly, even though she was younger than Brittany she was always smarter. She had managed to help Brittany with her homework, especially maths, which the blonde had no idea about. She never ever made fun of Brittany like kids at her school did and always took time to explain to her, no matter how long it took. Her lower lip wobbled, a large part of her wanting to go back in time, to make sure that this had never happened, to when she was oblivious to Santana's growing feelings for her.
She wanted to go back to how it was. Where she didn't feel a pool of guilt in her stomach whenever they saw their parents, where she didn't feel somewhat dirty. When they were alone, Brittany could forget about the outside world for a little while, she could lose herself in a world where nobody else existed, but as soon as she stepped outside the room, or her world, reality hit her like a truck.
"Just say it, Britt. I know you feel it, you don't have to hide it anymore."
Santana's thumb brushed over her lower lip, her voice soft and encouraging, reminding her of the voice she used whenever she helped Brittany out with a problem. Her fingers trailed over her cheek, wiping the tears away. Brittany let out a long breath, wanting to crawl in her bed and never come out. She was stuck, there was no way out, one way or another someone was going to get hurt.
"San, please, just...i can't."
She hushed Brittany, her own tears glassing over her eyes. She couldn't hide it anymore, she wanted to hold the blonde's hand when they walked down the street. She didn't want to hide from her parents, always whispering and scheduling when they could be together. She wanted to tell the world that Brittany was hers, and that she was Brittany's. The blonde loved her, she had to, she felt it whenever they were together.
"You don't have to deny it anymore. If it's our parent's you're worried about, we can g-"
Brittany broke free of Santana's holds,"We can do what? Run away into the sunset, San? Forget your school, my job, our entire lives? This isn't a movie, this doesn't end well, this is reality."
Santana angrily wiped the wetness from her cheeks and stood in front of Brittany, her eyes full of anger too. She didn't want to talk about this with Santana because it would only end up with them arguing and Brittany hated that. The young girl was living in a world that wasn't realistic, if their 'relationship' got out, their whole lives would come to a stop. Brittany's father would never look at her the same again and her step mother would hate her for the rest of her life.
"I'm eighteen soon. I know that it would be hard, don't you think i've thought about that? I know that people would look down at us, and I know that it'll take time to get used to. But what's important is that I love you and you love me, Britt. All you have to do is say it...i need you to say it, please."
Santana's voice broke at the last word. She had spent too long lying to herself that she would get over Brittany if she found someone else. But it was impossible. No-one could replace her, not Quinn, not anyone else. She hadn't loved anything else in her life as much as she loved her. Now that Santana had her, she didn't want to let it go. Brittany balanced her out, she made her forget about life, she made her laugh. The blonde made her feel needed and wanted, something that she had lost when her parents split up.
She didn't want to lose her, Santana wasn't sure if she would handle it. Brittany sniffed, her nose slightly red and her eyes full with tears. She grabbed Santana's hands, her anger gone for the moment and she held them close to her heard. She had to make the young girl see the reality, that things like this didn't end well. Brittany loved her, but not in the way that Santana did. She had feelings for the young girl, strong ones. She couldn't ruin Santana's life by lying to her. What they had been doing was wrong and Brittany could get into a lot of trouble for it, she would lose everything, they both would. It was so simple to Santana, they both wanted one another, she couldn't see how it would all fail.
"San, I love you, more than anything else on this earth. You're my best friend, you're so special, there is no-one like you."
Santana smiled at her through her tears, but it soon dropped when Brittany continued.
"...but I don't love you the way you want me to, I can't. I'm sorry b-but i can't be with you."
Santana felt like she couldn't breathe, like the taller girl had punched her in the stomach. The air left her, and her heart fell in to her stomach. She felt sick, and never before had she felt like she wasn't good enough. She felt small, like she had no confidence anymore, her mask had been torn off. Brittany's hands slipped out of her, and Santana couldn't see anymore, her vision was blurry. No sound came out of her, she didn't attempt to run after Brittany as she stepped away from her again. Suddenly, her legs felt weak, and she had to reach out to the bed frame to stop herself from falling. Never before had Santana Lopez felt vulnerable, never before had she lost control like this.
"Britt, please...don't do this to me. Please don't leave me."
She gained the strength to grab Brittany's wrist, but the blonde wrenched her hand away, her own tears threatening to spill.
"Please, Britt, I can't lose you. Please."
This wasn't true...she had to be lying, she just had to be.
"I'm sorry, San, I hope one day you can forgive me and see that this is the right thing."
Brittany left her own bedroom, leaving Santana alone. She knew that if their parents found her in the hallway, they would start asking questions. Once the door shut, the blonde let the tears go, silently sobbing as she walked away. Just because they weren't together or that Brittany didn't feel as much as Santana did, didn't mean that it hurt any less. Being the cause of her heartbreak made the blonde want to disappear, it was like having a part of her being torn away. She had hurt her best friend, and knew that they would never go back to how it was.
"Please...please let her forgive me someday." She spoke quietly, staring above.
After composing herself as best she could, Brittany walked away from her room and made her way down the stairs with a heavy feeling in her chest. In the bedroom, Santana had fallen to the floor, her hand cupped over her mouth to silence her cries. She hadn't been able to stand on her feet, she felt like something was pushing her down. Her mind was spinning, giving her a harsh headache, if she hadn't pushed Brittany, if she hadn't said anything. Those negative thoughts were enough to make her scream. But she couldn't talk anymore, she couldn't find her voice.
She wondered if Brittany was feeling like she was.
She wondered if it would ever stop.
She also wondered if the blonde had felt anything close to how Santana had felt. If she felt the safeness Santana felt in her arms, if she thought about her every second of the day, if she counted the hours before they were able to be alone again. She wondered if Brittany felt the butterflies in her stomach whenever they kissed, if her toes curled when Santana brought her to climax.
She doesn't love me...she never will...she doesn't love me...she never will.
She felt as if her confidence had been torn from her, making her feel bare and naked. The young girl had never felt so insecure. She felt like she wasn't good enough, that maybe if she was better than maybe Brittany would love her the way she loved the blonde. Santana curled into herself, making a protective wall as she wrapped her arms around herself.
She had lost everything she cared about in a matter of seconds, and there was nothing she could do. Santana couldn't cry anymore, now there was just pain, and she was sure that it would never go away. There was no Brittany to make her darkness light up again, there was just nothing. Nothing to make her get up off the floor.
For the first time in her short life, Santana Lopez had gotten her heart broken.
I hope I made it up to you. Please review, it makes my day. Sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes.