CB: Today there will be no banter in this fic; it is to commemorate an awful tragedy that occurred earlier in the week here in England. Two ten-year-old girls called Jessica and Holly were abducted and brutally murdered. What made it worse was that the man who killed them, knew both the girls, he even stood up on television and publicly stated, 'I was the last one to see them alive, if I'd done something, they may still be here now.' Nearly a week later he was arrested and charged with their murder. The shock and grief their deaths have caused is something that will not lightly be forgotten, the families grieve, and England grieves with them.
I only hope that whoever reads this will try to understand the tragedy that has happened.
I pray history will not repeat itself.
Warnings: Angst, Duo's POV, more angst, death and shouen ai.
There is an old legend that states, when it rains it is because the angels are crying for the death of an innocent, did you know that? How ironic then, that it shouldn't rain on the day he died, in fact, on the day of the funeral it was pure sunshine, a day that should have made you feel alive. A pity I was already dead inside.
But then again, he wasn't innocent, neither was I, you can't live and fight in a war and remain pure throughout all the bloodshed. Neither of us was pure, but somehow we managed to wash each other clean…or at least we did. But not any more, now I'm on my own, now there is nobody to wash me and tell me things will be ok. Once again my infamous name has caught up with me, I suppose it's the fate of death, to be all alone, to never love, because that love is a curse.
I wanted to cry when they buried him, really I did, but the tears just refused to come. My throat was so tight I thought I was suffocating, I couldn't breathe and a strange sense of fuzzy numbness seemed to infiltrate my senses, but not a single salty droplet fell, no matter how hard I willed it to.
So does this make me heartless? Most people would say yes, not crying at the funeral of a companion, friend and lover but to me it is a no. I honoured Heero's strength by being strong myself. I ignored the concerned looks of Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, Relena, Dorothy and Hilde, I just simply got up and walked away never intending to look back, never intending to break down and cry, hurling myself back to my car and driving home as fast as possible to curl up on our…no…it wasn't our couch any more, my couch.
Bittersweet memories flashed behind my eyelids every time I closed them. Heero laughing at me as I landed on my backside in the snow, Heero and I dining at our favourite restaurant, walking through the park, Heero stepping out of the shower and finally Heero mouthing those words I would have given anything to hear one more time. 'I love you.'
I wanted to make them stop, these memories caused more pain and unhappiness, I wanted to bury myself in the ground, I wanted to die too. It wasn't fair; God and his angels had taken away my only comfort in a vicious, cruel world of hate. I suddenly felt an impenetrable hate for the heavens, for what they'd done to me over the years and now finally, this.
I went to see Heero's grave yesterday, I sat there for a while, not really knowing what I was doing there, not really understanding what I was looking at. I felt like an intruder, like I was somewhere I shouldn't be, sitting next to the low, grass covered mound. Idly my fingers traced the wording on the tombstone, I had insisted he have a message of some sort on there.Heero Yuy
To my beloved:
The Angels did not cry when you died,
They rejoiced because you'd returned to them,
That was it, no dates, nothing else, we'd all agreed we should give nothing to indicate that it was the Heero that had fought in both wars in case some nut took it into their head to dig him up or pay homage. Trust me, there are some really weird freaks out there. So I'd come up with a final message for my Heero, I'm not sure if the others had seen it yet, but if they did, I hope they understood what I was trying to say.
Something was meant to happen, I thought, as I sat there. Whenever a bereaved lover visits a grave, surely a spirit should come and speak to them, comfort them and offer words of advice. Quietly I waited for something, anything, to happen, when nothing did, I cleared my throat.
"I don't know whether you can hear me, I don't even know if you're here, but I just…" My throat tightened again and I choked slightly, stifling a sob, "I just wanted to say I love you and…I miss you so very much." The sob was beginning to hurt now as it stubbornly refused to go away. Suddenly my rational thought fled and I let myself cry, there was no one to see me anyway, no one to see the pathetic loser crying at the grave of his loved one.
Raising my head up to the sky, which was once more a clear, deep blue, I practically howled, tears streaming down my face, and each one cut like a shard of glass, leaving a burning, bloody trail in its wake. My body shuddered with each breath I took, and my throat seemed to hurt even more as I pounded my fists furiously on the grass, still sobbing, still totally out of control.
"It's not fair." I screamed, looking once more at the sky, where I knew He would be watching. "Why did you take him away from me, why?" There was no answer, there never is and I once more lost my self in a wave of anguish.
Eventually I calmed down enough to stop crying as hard, until it was only the occasional tear that made its way down my cheek. Standing, I looked down one last time at the earth that concealed my lover, "I do love you." I murmured, my heart still aching with a dull, unyielding throb. "I love you so very much."
There was no reply, the stone remained cold and immobile, everything was silent, broken only by the occasional bumble bee, which hummed in the grass nearby. It was with despair that I realised he was gone, truly gone and nothing I could say would bring my Heero back, no matter how many tears I cried, it would never wash away the pain, it would remain with me forever, reminding me of the precious thing I had and lost all so quickly.
There's no such thing as an angel's tears, because if there was; my heart wouldn't be so cold.
CB: A small tribute to Jessica and Holly. I myself believe in the theory of the Angel's tears, because for the past three days, it has done nothing but rain, the angels are crying, and we're crying with them.