Author's notes

Hey guys! When you finish reading this chapter, I ask that you take a look at my livejournal - I made an announcement over there that I want you all to see. Just look for an entry that I made on May 27th and you should find it. If you're not a member over there, then please get in touch with me here with your responses. If you don't know how to get to my journal, let me know and I'll give you directions.

Kathryn xxx

Chapter 13

June 20th, 1963

It was pitch black outside, but Ennis could still see Jack's face in the moonlight as they looked at each other, kissing and letting their hands roam. He was getting better at relaxing in these moments, but he would never be truly comfortable about this. Every time they kissed or touched, he felt a mixture of guilt and worry, but he just couldn't stop himself.

"Come here," Jack whispered, sensing how scared he still was. He brought Ennis's lips back down to his and held him there, trying to give him some comfort and to tell him that it was alright. Ennis shivered and allowed his mouth to travel to Jack's neck, planting kisses there in his own shaky way. Jack felt so good here like this, completely for him, and he thought it was too good to be true. What would someone like Jack see in someone like him?

He pulled his lips away and rested his forehead against Jack's, unsure of himself. Jack made him meet his eyes. "'s okay. We don't gotta if you can't."

Ennis shook his head and nudged Jack's legs wider apart. "I wanna," he murmured, sure of that if nothing else. Too scared to ask for any kind of lubricant for fear that they would be found out, they had decided to fashion their own from grease. It was messy and not particularly ideal, but they didn't have much choice. Jack knew that there were other uses for lubricant, especially Vaseline, so he figured that they could get away with asking for it.

Still, he waited patiently as Ennis applied the grease to himself, knowing that he had to make certain compromises here. Ennis was simply scared of them being found out, but part of Jack wanted them to be. On the one hand, Alma could find out and break off the engagement and Ennis would be free. But on the other hand, he could easily hate Jack and blame him for ruining everything. Even if Ennis were free, it was no guarantee that they could be together. He had to do this Ennis's way or not at all.

When Ennis was ready he started to push in, watching Jack's face. He could no longer deny who he was doing this with and couldn't pretend that Jack was a woman from this position. Jack was a man, and here he was about to do this; he couldn't have ever seen this coming and still didn't want to think about what it might mean. He paused about halfway through, not sure about what he was doing. Jack opened his eyes, breathing heavily. "Hey...what's wrong?"

Ennis tried to relax and smile down at him. "Nothin'." He continued until they were tightly pressed together and he was fully inside his lover. He'd be a liar if he said this didn't feel good, or right. Nothing felt as right as when they were like this, and he wondered if Jack felt the same.

"God, Ennis," Jack groaned, tilting his head back. "Every fuckin' time...won't get tired of this." He wrapped his legs around Ennis's waist and nodded up at him. "When you're ready, bud."

Ennis lowered his head and started moving, drawing out slightly and then pushing back in. He had to admit that he preferred this gentle motion compared to their first night, and not just because it felt more human to him. He could see Jack's face and kiss his lips, and it felt like more than just sex this way. He knew the expression used to describe what they were really doing, but he couldn't think about that. It involved a certain four-letter word that he was trying not to feel, but he was fighting a losing battle with that one.

He brought their mouths together again and found Jack's tongue with his own, sliding them together while his hips seemed to move on their own. It was such a simple movement and yet was bringing them both waves of pleasure; he hadn't known that it could be this good.

Jack gasped into his mouth when he felt Ennis's hand take hold of him; Ennis had been very nervous about touching him there and yet there it was. Ennis was sliding his hand up and down his erection and teasing out pre-come, making Jack tremble all over. "Ennis," he practically whimpered, feeling as if his head was about to explode. "Oh God..."

Ennis let go of his lips and attacked his neck, finding his confidence as he continued to stroke Jack. He loved the sounds coming from Jack's mouth as he pushed in deeper, praying that he wouldn't hurt Jack. He gave a few more thrusts and felt himself coming, shuddering all over. He somehow managed to carry on jerking Jack off until he felt the sticky fluid hit his stomach and heard a groan in his ear.

They collapsed together, heads spinning. This had been one of their best times yet, and Ennis was fully aware of the feeling in his heart. He knew how he felt about Jack but he simply couldn't hold the thought in his mind; they would have to leave at the end of the summer and he was supposed to be getting married. All he could ever have with Jack was this summer and nothing more; that was just the way it had to be.

Jack was unaware of Ennis's thoughts, and he smiled when their eyes met. "Ennis...that was somethin' else..." He brought their lips together for more kisses, slow and sweet this time. He was more willing to accept how he felt, and he knew that he was in love. "Reckon I'll sleep real good after that." Ennis managed to smile back and he pulled out, sinking down onto Jack's chest. He was wrapped up in Jack's arms and swallowed hard, trying not to let his emotions get the better of him.

When he finally fell asleep, his last thought was how he loved this man and how on earth he was going to be able to leave him.