Hi guys! thanks so much for continuing on with me and this story! I added a little François Rabelais for any nerdfighters out there.
Chapter 4: It's a Long way to the Top
Castiel tilted his head at the camera before him. He had only had his picture taken a few times, and those were in the presence of the Winchester's. Kenny snapped the shot of the fallen angel and the Ghostfacers next to him. While Castiel had just stood there, the children next to him tried to look fierce and intimidating. They garbled over the photo for a moment before Maggie told them she was going to post it to the website.
Castiel sat on the motel bed. They had been driving all day and came to rest right outside Las Vegas. Ed had tried to convince them all to go play slots in the city, but Maggie had shot him down. They bickered all the time. It was driving Castiel crazy. Sure, Sam and Dean fought, but it usually ended with one of them not talking to the other for a while. Silence Cas could deal with, this...not so much. He rubbed his temples and tried to block them out. He was thankful to them for getting him back to the Winchester's, but did they have to make such noise? They then began to talk about the fallen angels and he needed to leave.
He moved quickly over to the door, saying that he would be back soon, and left. Nevada was hot. He didn't like it. He walked down the street in search of sanctuary. It only took him four blocks to find what he was looking for. A church.
It was late in the afternoon, so there was no one inside. Castiel set himself in the last pew and sank to his knees. His hands held onto the seat before him in order to keep himself up right. He rested his head on his hands and held his breath. Breathing was something he had never been concerned with before. Now it was an essential part of his new existence, and it was awful. The constant need of air, needing to breath in and out, in and out, in and out.
Castiel let out a breath and with it the anguish and hurt he was feeling. Tears made their way down his face and fell from there to the ground. He did not want to break. He couldn't, there were thing to do, he had to save the angels, his sisters and brothers. He had to save them, because it was his fault. It was his, and his fault alone that they were now human, powerless and now taken by who knows.
What sort of angel was he? He had failed at every mission he had ever been given. What he had been doing, that was not God's will. Castiel quelled his tears and composed himself before beginning to pray. He wanted nothing more than for his brothers and sisters who were innocent to be able to return to Heaven. He decided then and there that for what he had done, the sin drenched upon him was too much for allowance back into Heaven. He resolved to stay on earth, or, the worst case scenario, to be killed. It was a fate he accepted gratefully. He would rather die than be subjected to torture, weather that be in the form of pain, or in the form of watching his family being torn apart. He knew he would not be able to handle either.
A door shut behind him and he twisted around. Before him was the Pastor. An elderly black man who's eyes filled with compassion as he saw Castiel.
"My child, can I help?" He asked holding out a hand to the former angel.
"I do not believe that you can," Castiel spoke.
"May I at least try?" The Pastor placed his hand on Castiel's shoulder. The angel looked up and gazed at the man. His intentions were true, he could see it in his eyes.
"There is so much I have done wrong. So much I wish I could fix," Castiel started. "It is all my fault, the state of this world, it is my doing."
"The way of the world is not your fault." The man smiled. "The world may seem to be closing in around you, but never believe that it is your doing. You are only human, there is only so much you can control."
"Therein lies the problem," Castiel sighed.
"Pardon?" The Pastor questioned.
"Being human," Castiel nearly spat the word. "It is awful. It is not something I would wish upon my enemies. The last time I fell to this form, I knew I was not to live much longer. I could understand that. I could forgo the usual human things. But now, with no ending, no certainty, I am lost among these people, who do not understand what I am...What I was."
"I'm sorry my boy, but I don't understand." The Pastor took his hand off of Castiel and stepped back.
"You have no need to fear." Castiel told him. "I am nothing now."
He wanted to scream, to tear apart the room. But most of all, he wanted to fly. He missed the feeling of the wind, and the air that rushed by his feathers. When Castiel flew it was wonderful. It was also something he had taken for granted when it had come so easy before. Now he longed for nothing more than to be able to fly into the skies once more. Castile let his head fall back and closed his eyes. A few tears strayed as he took in another regrettable breath.
"I do not know who you are, or who you were my boy," the Pastor spoke. "But please know that in the hands of God you are safe. With God you are never nothing, you are important. He has a reason for all of us, you must understand that. While it may take years and years to find your purpose, trust me my boy, you will find it."
"I thought I already knew who I was. What I was made for." Castiel replied, still with his eyes closed. "I had reason, I had a purpose in the life he gave me. Or so I thought."
"Perhaps your reason has changed." The Pastor sat beside Castiel and gazed up at the steeple. "Maybe God has deemed one task done, and has blessed you with another?"
"I do not believe he would show such favor to me." Castiel opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling.
"Why would you be exempt from his love? You seem to be a devoted man, that devotion is not looked down upon."
Castiel let his head roll around to face the Pastor. There were tears in his eyes once more.
"I have broken this world so many times, that I doubt that heaven will ever allow me back. And if they should let me back I doubt it would be with open arms, it would be with fear. They would fear what I may do, they have seen my destruction, they know what I have done. I am not someone that others want to be with. I am a curse. I hurt those I want so desperately to save, and I enable those who would strike me down as I turned away." Castiel's voice rose as he continued to speak. "There is no end for this human, only eternal damnation. I know, I know, that I have deserved this, but it still pains me. It hurts so badly to be this."
Castiel was sobbing. The pastor had tears in his own eyes. He lay an hand back on the bawling man. He said nothing, just gave the man comfort as he tried to collect himself. Castiel cleared away his tears once more, and wondered how many more times he would have to cry. Once he could breath normally he placed his hand on top of the Pastors.
"Thank you father." He said roughly. "I am sorry to burden you with my story."
"It is alright, my boy," he smiled. "I will leave you to pray, but please, please, remember what I have said. Perhaps you have been given a new task, one that might bring you all you need. Do not let that chance go. Go seek your great perhaps."
The Pastor stood quietly and padded his way to the alter. There he knelt and prayed. Castiel watched him go. His face was red and his eyes hurt, but he didn't care for that. Could this all really be a new chance for him? He wanted desperately to believe in what the Pastor had said, but it sounded to good to be true. It sounded wonderful, the idea of having a new life to make new choices to be a better person. He was never a good angel, maybe he could be a good human. It would be a long and tiresome journey to try and redeem himself as a human, but Castiel was willing to try. Though he may never be able to rejoin his family in heaven, he owed it to himself to try and make things right.
That was what he focused on as he stood and left the church. The rest of his breakdown was going to have to wait. The heaviness of being human still weighted on him, but he felt lighter as he walked away.
When he arrived back at the motel the Ghostfacers were eating pizza and looked up in surprise when Castiel came in.
"Wasn't sure if you were gonna come back," Ed said.
"Yeah, thought you had taken off forever," Harry added. He held out the pizza box. "Want some?"
Castiel shook his head. He sat on the bed behind Maggie and watched the TV. They were watching a movie, it was one Castiel had never seen nor heard of. He watched it silently.
"So where did you go?" Maggie asked softly enough so that the others wouldn't hear.
"To a church."
"Did you find what you were looking for?"
"I don't know," he said honestly. "I hope so."