Disclaimer: I don't own anything
A/N: I've started this story before the season finale aired as I am intriqued by the attraction between Lauren and Arizona and what this might mean for Callie and Arizona.
The lights shuttered off and she lost all self control. Hands were grabbing, lips were moving, tongues were exploring. In that one moment in the dark things were simple. Things were clear.
Then the lights turned back on and suddenly that clarity was gone again. Her mind started to fog over, she couldn't quite get that feeling back.
"I can't. I can't…I can't" She tries not to look at Lauren's face because she doesn't think she's strong enough to hold her resolution if it came to it. This has been a dangerous game they've been playing ever since they met that morning at the coffee cart.
It's not a game either of them intentionally entered either, there was just something refreshing about meeting someone who got you. Straight from the get go they got you right down to your very soul. That was something she never thought she'd experience again every since the plane crash and yet with Lauren she forgot she only had one leg. She forgot that horrific ordeal of her life and she just was Arizona Robbins again. The woman who was bubbly and confident and everything she hadn't been in the past year. For the first time in a year she woke up feeling bubbly, happy and excited she could go to work looking forward to it again.
"Arizona." Just the way the other blond said her name was enticing and dangerous and yet she could tell that Lauren knew exactly what battle she was fighting within herself. And she wasn't judging her, she just understood. "You are allowed to lose a little bit of control."
She got her. Right then in that moment of her life she understood her in ways no one else did. Not even her wife. It was selfish. It was horrific. And yet she did it. She made a conscious decision and locked the door and after a short pause she turned round looking into that beautiful face and fell into her. She poured everything she had into her because it was glorious. In that moment she felt glorious; and she didn't care who it would hurt because she had found it. That one thing she hadn't had for ages, even before the plane crash.
She found herself again.
She didn't know how long she had been laying there staring at her; she just couldn't stop or bring herself to leave. Lauren had fallen asleep a while ago giving her the option to stay or go and saying she would understand either way, telling her not to worry about her feelings because she understood. She understood that she was married, that she was a mother and was committed to both. It seemed surreal laying here looking at her, examining her as she slept. This person, this wonderful person who if circumstances were different she'd fall for completely.
She knew she should feel guilt, she should feel disgusted with herself and yet whilst she felt those things she couldn't help but feel relieved. She felt invigorated like she could do anything she wanted. She was alive.
"You're staring." A smile appeared on that smooth face and it was intoxicating and contagious she found a smile appear on her own face; even with everything that was going on in her mind. It was like it was just the two of them in the whole world in this moment, and it was a happy moment.
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are. But that's ok I get it." A teasing reply was all she got. She couldn't stop smiling.
"Oh yeah?" She answered in the same teasing tone.
"Yeah, I'm hot." And with that they both burst into silly giggles gasping for air the two of them tried to regain control. "So, now what?"
Arizona took a moment before answering; just to look at Lauren and really try to see what she was expecting. And that's when it rang true. Someone was going to get hurt, or they all were because all she could see on Lauren's face was an unsure nervously hopeful look that melted her heart and suddenly nothing made sense anymore and the world flooded back into their on call room.
"So now…I have a wife."
"You have a wife."
"And a daughter."
"And a wife."
They just laid there on their sides under the thin hospital sheets, naked from their earlier activities and looking into each other's faces both thinking about what their lives could have been like under different circumstances.
"Hey Arizona I've been looking all over for you. Where've you been?" Callie asked looking concerned as she approached her wife in the deserted attending's lounge. Arizona felt immediately dirty and ashamed, she was sure Callie must see it written all over her. She needed to tell her the truth.
"I…I've just been with Laur-"
"Oh my god! Have you seen the pit? It's full of broken bones and normally I would love it. It's an orthopaedic's dream but today all I want is for this storm to be over with already. I'm so tired." The brunette sighs leaning her head on Arizona's shoulder. Arizona can't help but feel put down and ignored, this kept happening when she tried to speak to her wife. She'd start a sentence and immediately be cut off as if what she might say wasn't worth listening too. Just this morning she had interrupted her when she tried telling Callie how she had met Lauren. Since the accident Callie threw herself into work, and work dramas to the point it started to annoy Arizona. When Bailey was locked up in her room just wanting to be left alone that was all she heard about at work and at home. "Let's just get Sofia and stay here tonight; I don't want us going out in that storm."
Staring at her wife for a moment she can't believe she cheated on her. She actually touched another woman and allowed her to touch her in return. She enjoyed it, it was amazing and refreshing and she didn't think about her wife once. She feels disgusting, horrified and yet at the same time she feels upset that it's over. She doesn't know anything anymore. She doesn't know who she is. She's lost again. She nods at Callie unable to trust her voice.
"Ok great. I love you." Callie gives her a short soft kiss and it makes her heart clench. She's ruined everything. She leans into the brunette's embrace and hugs her close. She doesn't want to lose this, no matter how imperfect it is.
"I love you too."
She just hopes that is enough.
She was staying. Lauren Boswell had been offered a job, a full time permanent job, by Jackson Avery and the rest of the board. She had accepted.
It had only been twenty four hours since Arizona let go with the other blond in an on call room and had yet not had chance to broach the subject with Callie. She didn't want to tell her, she felt she had to. She needed to tell her otherwise it would be worse. But now she was staying.
The woman she had cheated with was staying and that terrified her. Not only because the chances now of Callie forgiving her were probably less but because she herself wasn't horrified by the idea. She knew she should want Lauren gone, she should want to get back to her marriage but a part of her was happy that she would get more time to spend with the charismatic blond.
She was in a free spin. She had no idea where she would land or if she would survive.