There are moments in our lives when we realise everything isn't in our control. That nothing we do can change the outcome because without realising it everything we have decided in the past has led us down this one path. This time there is no changing the outcome, all Arizona can hope for is that no matter what happens it all works out alright because the moment she uttered those four words to her wife she gave up all control.
"I slept with her."
It was horrid; watching the look of utter disappointment and devastation on Callie's face. Never before had she seen someone look at her with such despair because of something she had done.
"No… Arizona no." Tears pour down both of their cheeks with this realisation.
"I…I did. I slept with her."
"No. Arizona you wouldn't. You wouldn't cheat on me. You wouldn't throw us away."
"I wasn't thinking. It just happened. I'm so sorry Callie!"
The silence that lingered in the air between them was unbearable. All Arizona wanted to do was rush over to her wife and hug her close. To take it all back. They were happy once they could be happy again.
"I can't believe this. You do mean Lauren right?"
"I saw it, you know? I saw the way you looked at each other. I thought it was because you both understood what it was like to operate on children, to change their lives. I mean Ped's isn't for everyone so I thought that's what that was." Callie paced up and down the length of their living room, throwing her hands up in the air and ranting in Spanish between her sentences. "I mean for god's sake Arizona! We're married!"
"We have a daughter!"
"You've ruined it all!"
Tears streamed down her face because she did know. She knew this changed everything. Even if Callie stayed with her things would never be the same again. But that was something she had known for a long time now. Since the accident in fact, but that was something Callie didn't understand. After having lost her leg all Callie wanted was her wife back, but that wife was gone. That version of her would never be back, not just because she lost her leg but because she fell out of the sky. She fell out of the sky. She still had nightmares about it. If she found herself daydreaming in the elevator and it moved suddenly she thought she was right back there. Nothing was the same. Nothing was safe.
The blond slumped to the ground not caring that it jarred her prosthetic painfully into her thigh. She didn't care that she must look absolutely pathetic right now because she couldn't breathe. Her lungs were shutting, the air was disappearing and she knew realistically it was all in her mind. She was having a panic attack but she couldn't make herself breath no matter what she tried.
"Arizona! Get up." Callie looked over at her from the other side of the room and the frustration was written all over her face. "Come on get up. Now!" She grabbed her wife by the biceps and dragged her to her feet and held her against the wall. "Get up Arizona!" She yelled in her face and Arizona saw it, that look of worry and pity. She had seen that look often in the past year.
Calliope Torres is her wife, not her doctor or shrink, her wife. She didn't want Callie to have to look after her, or 'handle' her to make sure she didn't go off on one. She was the one person in the world who was meant to look at her and be in awe of who she was, she was meant to look at her as if she were breathtaking. Callie used to but since Africa and the accidents that look is gone and no matter what she tried to do Callie never looked at her like that again. It was gone.
Callie used to look at her like she was miraculous and that made her feel miraculous.
Now she looks at her like she is broken.
It was the next morning and Callie had let her stay the night. She hadn't been chucked out and Callie had stayed as well so she took that as a positive sign. Last night had been brutal after her panic attack they just sort of left it, Callie announced she was going to bed and told her to sleep on the couch. It had been odd and Arizona hadn't been able to sleep at all.
All she could think about was what Callie was thinking and feeling. She must feel absolutely devastated. Arizona knew she did. Then there was that dark space hidden in the depth of her soul since the plane crash. That part of her that no one knew existed apart from herself and apparently Lauren, she had seemed to know about it. That part of her that still was beyond angry at Callie for breaking her promise about her leg. She was still angry and she didn't know how to get past it.
She had tried, tried so hard for so long, and it never shifted. She had learnt how to hide it behind fake smiles and make believe. She had gotten good at that, in fact everyone that she came into contact with didn't see past it. Not even her wife. The only person that had was a perfect stranger, Lauren. She had understood that it was all a very tightly controlled mask and she had peered underneath it and still liked what she had seen.
The blond sat up quickly hearing the bedroom door opening and Callie appear out of it fully dressed. She looked as tired as she felt which probably meant that the brunette hadn't slept either.
"Hey I'm going into work early ok? So you'll have to take Sofia in with you later and drop her in day care. I packed her backpack last night so you don't have to do that. See you later." Callie told her as she swept past her grazing her lips against her cheek as she went and then she was gone leaving a confused and open mouthed ped's surgeon in her wake.
She felt empty.
As soon as she stepped off the elevator at work after dropping her baby girl off at day care she was angry. She was beyond angry. She felt like everything was spinning out of control, and it was and then last night she gave up what little bit of control she had over the situation to Callie and she ignores it. Sure she was angry last night but then this morning she just swept it under a rug, acted like everything was fine.
She stormed up to the beautiful brunette ortho god and dragged her into the nearest on call room. The brunette spun on her as soon as the door was slammed shut.
"How dare you drag me into an on call room? Huh? Is this the one? Is this the room you nailed her in?" The fury blazing out of those beautiful eyes almost scolded her but she remained there looking into them. They needed this. They needed to deal with this.
"Callie-" She uttered softly but was interrupted.
"No! No you don't get to Callie me! I deserve to know."
"It wasn't in here." She whispered. "I'm so sorry. I don't know how it happened." Callie scoffed at that.
"I got a good idea." she paced in the small amount of space she was in. "Arizona, I'm sure you remember right? The feel of her underneath you, squirming and wanting. Or were you underneath her. I bet you were begging for it."
"Callie don't…don't do this, please."
"You should have thought about that before!" Callie put herself on the other side of the room, putting physical space between them. "I thought…I thought we were past the hard stuff.
I thought…I thought that we were finally good!"
"We were, we…we are."
"We're married!" Callie sounds so devastated she wishes she could turn back the clock.
"God! We have a child!"
"How could you do this?"
"I…I don't know."
"After all that's happened this year. After everything we've been through, everything we've survived: the bankruptcy, Mark, the plane-"
"Ohh! You weren't on the plane Callie! You weren't in the woods and you did not hear Meredith crying for Lexie and Mark moaning in pain or hear me scream in pain. You weren't there and you keep acting like you were but you weren't and it wasn't your experience!" Arizona just snaps listening to Callie talk about it as if she was there seems to belittle what she went through. Her whole recovery she has had to be careful about what she says, even in her bad days spent in bed she never shared her darkest thoughts and now to hear Callie talk as if she had been in that plane with her makes her mad.
"I lost Mark. You almost died. You-"
"You lost Mark and you almost died. You weren't on the freaking plane!" She screamed at her, "You wanted the street credit, the badge of honour, the warrior wounds then great! Stick out your leg and I will go grab a bone saw and let's even the score!"
The silence that followed was awful and painful. Arizona realised what had become of their talk. She realised that the mask had slipped so far that it was if it had never existed.
"Oh." She cries into her hands realising everything she had worked so hard to keep quiet about, to keep to herself she had just screamed at her wife.
"It always comes back to the leg."
"I trusted you, more than anyone, more than anyone in my life and you decided to cut it off."
"To save your life!"
"You didn't lose anything! I did! I did!"
She can see realisation sink in on Callie's features. She knows. She knows that there is a dark part of you that blames her for taking your leg; an irrational part that no matter how much she tells herself it was to save her life, that that had been the right course of action she couldn't shake the feeling. The feeling that her wife the miraculous bone surgeon, who had managed to save Shepherd's hand hadn't had a miracle in her bag for her.
"Apparently I lost you."
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