Disclaimer: Some things in this life, people say should never be written. Some things in life, people say are impossible to write. Even somer things, people say, would be impossible to read because it's just impossible. Well then, it's time to see what is Impossible.
Keitaro Urashima yearned for the peace and serenity of the Hinata-sou, an Inn owned by his family in the Kanagawa Prefecture, on the outskirts of Hinata City. His most recent and most spectacular failure to enter Tokyo University had resulted in his most recent and most spectacular fight with his parents–prompting him to move out of the house. So, he came to this place of warm childhood memories and fond nostalgia, seeking to find a quiet place to study for his dreams.
Instead, he was punched through it, from the Inn's hot springs to the arch at the top of the steps. Every wall between the two points breached by his body-turned-missile until the cobblestone path finally slowed him to a stop.
Lying face down on the ground at the end of the long trench he created, Keitaro took a deep breath and slowly pushed himself up to a sitting position.
Taking a deep breath, he shook his head, and turned to look back. There in front of him was a beautiful, very angry young woman wearing only a towel flying straight for him through the holes his body made–drawing her fist back to finish him off.
This took him back, he thought, before her fist met his face expediently.
Love Hina: The Merry Killers
Chapter 1: A Miraculous Failure
The Urashima Family is one of Japan's better kept secrets. Since before the Sengoku Era, they served the greater good as spies, assassins, and every so often scapegoats for the various powers that would come to claim rule of the country. Even today, they steadfastly serve the Japanese Government, and Keitaro Urashima is the most sterling example of grace, efficiency, precision, and–wait, no… I'm sorry; I was reciting someone else's bullshit.
Keitaro Urashima, 20 years old, is the black sheep of the family despite his amazing ability: although the doctor literally dropped him on his head as a newborn child (out of a two story window; the doctor admitted to being a spy from a rival family after two and a half days of torture) Keitaro survived with no injuries, and that was only the beginning of his indestructible feats. For a family of Ninja, Assassins, and other such productive professions, a child who could take a .50 BMG to the face and only express slight dismay at the sting was a boon. However, he had no coordination for ninja skills, no stomach for assassination, and frankly he was a touch too dumb for the subtleties and nuances of spy work.
A miraculous failure, thy name is Keitaro Urashima.
At first they expected his ineptitude was a passing phase, but after failed training attempts and many, many mistakes whenever headway was made, they were convinced that while his body was clearly made for the art, his mind was definitely not. Despite the disappointment, the Urashima Family was a patient one, and they always rolled with the punches to get what they want, which was why he was here sitting at the top of the steps leading to the Hinata-sou, mostly naked, with Naru Narusegawa's halted fist less than a millimeter from his face.
"You should be dead," she said calmly for a young woman who had just punched a man through a house.
Keitaro honestly couldn't help himself. "A lot of people say that."
Naru stood back and tightened her towel around her body. She looked at her fist, and punched him in the head.
Humming, she walked over to one of the many trees that surrounded the inn and punched it with thereabouts the same force, splintering the trunk and sending it toppling over.
She looked back at Keitaro, rubbing his head in annoyance, and then walked back over. "Okay, you have my attention!"
Keitaro looked up. "Huh?"
"Who the Hell are you, and why can't I splatter you all over the countryside like so many Russians at Kursk?"
That was a weird reference. "Um… I'm Keitaro Urashima… my family owns this Inn." He slowly got up, making sure he was decent. "I'm sorry for giving you a scare."
The pretty brown-haired girl blinked in surprise at the namedrop, and gaped at him. "You're Keitaro?!"
He stopped. "Am I not supposed to be?"
The fact that Naru began giggling like an idiot only caused Keitaro far greater concern. She was covering her mouth and looking away from him and everything, like the funniest thing in the world just happened and it was taking everything she had to not explode into a fit.
"Is… are you okay?" Keitaro asked.
Naru offered him a hand. "Oh I'm just fine, here," she said, pulling him to his feet when he accepted. "I should be the one apologizing. I was the one who walked in on you, but to be fair you are a guy just showing up at a girl's dormitory unannounced and taking a bath like you own the place."
Keitaro looked at the house. "A girl's dormitory, it's not an inn anymore?"
"Hasn't been one for years, are you sure you're an Urashima? You should know this."
Keitaro scratched the back of his head. "Well, me and all of my family are kind of estranged, for uh… reasons."
Naru nodded. "Oh, I see. So why are you here, then?"
"Well, I was um… well…" Keitaro rubbed the back of his head. "I thought I'd come here to study for Entrance Exams to Toudai somewhere peaceful, but things have really changed."
Naru nodded again with a small smirk. "They just had entrance exams though. What, didn't get in?"
"For the second time…"
"Oh… so you're a two-time ronin in this day and age? What a shame." She gestured to the house. "We should head inside. As riveting as this conversation is, I don't want to be caught out here talking to a guy in a towel when the girls show up."
Keitaro followed Naru back to the front door. "Oh, how many live here?"
"Me included, there's five of us. Haruka-san is the landlord, remember her?"
"Yeah I remember Auntie, I tried calling her up ahead but I didn't get any answer."
Naru nodded. "That's about right, she always has her phone off when she's entertaining guests at the tea shop."
Keitaro cringed. "Oh… so she's busy…"
They walked straight through the holes Keitaro made in the wall, careful to step over splinters and duck under the jagged edges of the holes. Now that he was measuring it, he could not help but be impressed at her strength. "You must have extraordinary control, unless putting a guy through a house is normal around here."
Not that it bothered him, he lived in Nerima for most of his life after all, and he was an Urashima.
"When I was in High School it was terrible, I had to change schools five times because of my temper getting the better of me," Naru admitted. "But I'm much, much better now."
They reached the bath, and Naru handed him his clothes. "Honestly, that's the first time I lost control like that in a long time."
Taking his clothes graciously, Keitaro stepped out the changing room and back into the hallway to let her change in private. "You must have the patience of a Saint, then."
"I wouldn't say that, I just have healthy outlets for my violence," Naru called back from beyond the doorway.
Keitaro nodded, not realizing he had no one to see the gesture. "I'm sure you do."
He then realized that there was no one to see, self-consciously cursed for nodding like an idiot to no one, and decided that as long as no one was looking he would change too.
"So what's your deal, are you a long time Nerima resident, or something? Most folks don't tend to get up after being punched through a house."
Keitaro dropped his towel, and shook out his boxers. "I don't know how to explain it other than I can take a lot of damage. People can go to town on me for days, and I will shrug it off."
Naru chuckled. "Well, stick around here and that'll be put to the test."
Keitaro didn't respond, and with some concern Naru stuck her head out the door. "Keitarohshit."
Keitaro, butt-ass naked in the middle of the hallway, was frozen where he stood as he stared at the small blue-haired girl in a middle school uniform staring back at him with wide eyes that kept getting wider as her gaze slowly slipped lower over the young man.
Lifting her hand to her face as Shinobu began to inhale, Naru sighed. "And here… we… go."
Coming up the stairs leading to the Hinata-sou were two more young women and residents of the Hinata-sou. Mitsune "Kitsune" Konno, an attractive woman of sharp fashion with short light brown hair and a permanently fox-like expression, was counting a fistful of dollars as she strolled leisurely alongside a younger girl with long black hair. The younger woman in a high school uniform, Motoko Aoyama, wore an expression of annoyance as her companion practically drooled over her newfound wealth.
"Today was such a chore, I knew skipping class for this would've gone badly," Motoko lamented.
"But look at all the scratch you made for it! You'll be able to buy that new laptop you wanted with this!" Kitsune reassured her.
"Most of my cut will go towards repairing my sword." She gave Kitsune a sloe-eyed look. "Unless you're willing to offer more of yours."
Kitsune genuinely considered the charity, but luckily the subject changed before she could be guilted further into giving up money. The two of them came upon the damage done to the path leading to the house, and to the house itself.
"Were we expecting any guests?" Kitsune asked as she drew a closed iron war fan from the loose sleeves of the bomber jacket she wore.
Motoko unwrapped the sword she carried over her shoulder, and slowly drew the chipped and pockmarked blade from its sheath. "None."
The scream of their youngest resident, Shinobu Maehara, threw both women into action and they charged into the house through the hole made through it. Quickly outstripping the older woman, the sword-wielding high-school girl reached Shinobu with her blade ready and found her covering her face with both hands with her back to a man struggling to get dressed, both yelping quick and embarrassed apologies.
Motoko of course only saw the naked man exposing himself to two teenaged girls, and her vision became a beautiful shade of red.
Keitaro looked from Shinobu to Motoko, raising her sword over her head, and let out a whimper.
Back outside, Haruka Urashima worriedly jogged up the stairs. The near-thirty woman was huffing on a cigarette as she looked at the screen of her smartphone and the missed call list. "You call three times and don't bother leaving a message, Keitaro? I hope you didn't just go in, or-!"
There was a tremendous crash, a rumble, and then a scream. Stopping near the top of the stairs, Haruka watched as her nephew spiraled into the air screaming at the top of his lungs. "… That would happen."
Her head slowly craning back, its stopped and then began to tilt back down and to her left, her eyes following Keitaro down until he hit the ground with a loud crash in the trees not too far to her side.
"Keitaro," she called to him, "You okay?"
There was only a muffled groan. Peering into the trees, she found her nephew embedded head first into the ground up to his waist. He was still kicking. "Yeah, you're all right."
Starting a call, Haruka waited for an answer and rolled her eyes when she herself got an answering machine. At the sound of the beep, she spoke…
"Oi Granny, you'd better call back quick. You know how I talked about convincing Keitaro to come to the Inn? Well, you won't believe what just saved me a whole lot of trouble…"
A/N: Oh no, another generic Love Hina Story.