If one were to see a hat, they would probably just ignore it and walk away. Though if they really needed one, he or she would probably try it on, then put it back or purchase it depending on one's taste or stinginess. That was not the case for the mercenaries of teufort. Regardless of which team they were on, they would jump in delight at the sight of one. Or gets really pissed if they saw the enemy team have one they didn't. So when nine crates showed up in the BLU base, the entire team practically shoved each other aside to get the hats. Which was of course, unnecessary, since each crate was labelled with each class' name on it. All of them were eying the biggest crate, which was clearly labelled PYRO.
The first who noticed was medic, who quickly stopped his barbaric behaviour to address his teammates. "Dummkopf! Zat crate is for Pyro!" He yelled at them, though they probably didn't hear him over the profanities being exchanged. Medic pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Even the engineer whom he saw as sensible was fighting for pyro's crate. Soldier was screaming his battle cry, as he crushed spy's head with The Escape Plan. Pyro was giggling as he struggled with demo, while the others seemed to be teaming up against heavy.
Then out of nowhere, scout jumped out of the tangled mess the others were in, sprinting and jumping onto the crate. Before anyone else could stop him, he ripped the top of the crate off with his bare hands. He was expecting a HOUWAR or at least some sort of hat which wasn't the ghastly gibus, but it was rather disappointing. There was a trumpet looking thing, a lollipop and some plushy pink unicorn.
"What the heck is this crap? Why the hell would they give us freakin' girl toys?" He complained, folding his arms as he pouted. Only then did he notice something out of the ordinary. Something not all pink and girly. A pair of goggles, lying at the base of the crate. He reached in, grabbing it.
Slowly, he read the label between the lenses. "Pyrovision huh?" Being the idiot he was, he examined it for a few minutes while the rest of the team fought in the background.
"Yo, guys. Take a look at this thing!" He called, and for some strange reason the entire team stopped and walked over with broken noses and fractured limbs, behaving as if nothing happened.
"Vhat is zat?" Medic asked, as he healed his teammate with his medigun.
"Its got pyrovision written on it," Scout observed, while spy shot him a YOU DON'T SAY look.
Engineer appeared from behind heavy with a detached limb. "I reckon Pyro would know what that is," He suggested. The team quickly stole a glance at Pyro, who was in the midst of rummaging through its crate. It pulled out the unicorn, giggling in delight as it cuddled the doll. Then they rolled- yes rolled, out of the room.
"I take it back. Why DON'T YOU try it on?" engineer made his second suggestion. Scout was about to place it on his head, when soldier ran out of the resupply room and charged head first into scout.
"Get out of my way, maggot! THOSE ARE MY NIGHTVISION GOGGLES!" Soldier screamed, yanking the goggles off scout's head, nearly tearing the poor boy's head off in the process of doing so.
"Soldier. YOU do realise most of our matches take place in the morning, roight?" Sniper asked, and Soldier nodded.
"EVEN if they are held at night, they're all lit," Soldier nodded again.
"Then why the bloody hell would we get nightvision goggles?" Soldier scowled.
"BECAUSE, real men train themselves to fight with nightvision goggles on!" Indeed, that makes no sense at all. Quicker than anyone had ever seen, he put the goggles on, and let out a scream that would forever haunt the other 7. (Excluding pyro, since he rolled out of the room.) For a moment, the mercenaries assumed he had gone blind due to the bright room they were in. A smile lit up their faces, as they walked over to the rest of the crates, leaving soldier there to look at everything oddly.
The soldier screamed in delight as he saw the tiny winged BLUs laughing as they circled him. He looked around to see the previously bland room turned into a magical wonderland full of candy and rainbows! This was all too overwhelming for him, he let tears of joy fall and gather in his lenses.
The mercenaries took awhile to get used to Soldier's screams. But eventually, they stopped hurting so much. Somehow, they had managed to figure out which crate was theirs, and they found identical goggles. Except for Demo, of course, who had one of the lenses covered.
"Lads, d'ye suppose we should put em' on?" Demo asked. The thought of turning blind like soldier came to mind. They stood there in silence, as they imagined a world without colour... Without sight... And they put the goggles on immediately.
"So many leetle baby men!" Heavy exclaimed in a mixture of surprise and horror. He glanced at the unwrapped candy on the ground, clapping in excitement as he picked it up and threw it into his mouth. Delicious! He instantly began picking up as much candy his hands could carry, which was quite a lot. He would have to hurry, for the fairies would get them if he was too slow!
Outside the colourful world which needed quite a large amount of exclamation marks, the heavy weapons guy was picking up dust bunnies and trash which had been accumulated on the ground, throwing them into his mouth. Thank god he didn't know what he was really eating, or how much dust he was getting in his mouth.
Pyro peered into the room where he saw his friends having fun. Scout was playing tag with spy and medic, engie was eating candy with heavy and the others were just fooling around. Demoman was drinking that rainbow juice he always carried around, while scout took a sip of his soda. They were just having so much fun! So much laughter! He wanted them to be even happier!
The Pyro grabbed the lollipop from his belt, skipping and twirling as he thrust the item into heavy's arms. He grabbed his rainblower, making sure to get the rainbows all over them. It was just so much fun! They were laughing so much now! All over the ground they rolled and lay, and they all fell asleep after so much playing.
Heavy screamed as Pyro cut through his ribcage with the axe. He fell onto the ground, bleeding out as he eagerly anticipated respawning and stopping the intense pain he was going through. The others were going through agonizing pain as well, as the pyro began burning each of them alive.
And at that moment, Miss Pauling decided to come through the door.
"Pyro! What are you doing? You can't kill your teammates!"
The nice, pretty lady came up to Pyro, hugging him. "They've had enough fun for today! Why don't you just do something light with them once they wake up!" She suggested. Pyro nodded enthusiastically, as the purple fairy disappeared in sparkles.
By the time the matter was resolved, everyone seemed traumatized, all sitting behind heavy, at least ten metres away from pyro. Then Demoman came up with the world's greatest idea: "I got an idea! How about we wear these goggles tomorrow at the battlefield!"
A/N: I always wanted to know what the mercenaries reactions would be once they saw pyrovision for the first time. Also, this was greatly inspired by thisstatementisfalse. If you're reading this, I LOVE YOUR STORIES. They're just funny and the way you portray them is amazing. You make even the craziest, not-at-all-sensible ideas sound as though they could really happen. Example, the transforming RV. Your style makes the stories so fffffffffffuuuuuuuuuunnnnn.
*cough* Yeah, back to author's note. I should probably be updating my Borderlands shippy fic, but I took a break. It's on hiatus by the way, since I can't really think of ideas. Thanks for reading this story. Also, my motto for this story would be: F*CK LOGIC, WRITE CRAP.