Summary: In need of a little extra cash, someone decides to start up an advice column. Overdone, yes… but hey, it's still amusing.

Ask Uncle Monty

Dear Uncle Monty
Recently, I broke up with my girlfriend. Well, I think she was my girlfriend. Maybe. We were kind of together, but she always told everyone we weren't "like that". I think she meant that we weren't sleeping together… which we weren't. And actually, she broke up with me. She started seeing this guy who, supposedly, she hates. I can't understand what she sees in him… it must just be the sex, because when we were together, we couldn't have sex. Not that I couldn't, you know… but there were circumstances beyond our control that made it impossible.

Anyway, lately I've been getting the feeling that maybe she's still interested. First it was just a sort of vibe, but then she held my hand (through a pair of latex gloves… don't ask), even though her "boyfriend" was standing just a few feet away. Do you think I still have a shot? Should I even bother trying?

-Suspicious in Seattle-

Dear Suspicious:
No. Keep your condom hands to yourself.

Dear Uncle Monty
Several months ago, I was involved in an accident that has led everyone I know to believe that I am dead. I am eager to make my reappearance, but I'm waiting for an opportunity to make a dramatic entrance - preferably one in which I save the day and finally earn everyone's trust. Unfortunately, no such opportunity seems to be forthcoming. What should I do? Should I push aside my ego and make a quiet, undramatic appearance, or should I hold out for something better?

-The Colonel-

Dear Colonel:
No, never settle! If an opportunity won't present itself to you, create your own. Have you ever considered cage fighting?

Dear Uncle Monty
I'm in love with someone who's in love with someone else. We were getting pretty close for a while, when this other woman was gone. But then, suddenly, she reappears in his life, and he's back with her, forgetting all about me. Well, now they've supposedly broken it off, but they're both still obviously hung up on each other. I am such an idiot… I don't even know why I bother sticking around. What do you think?

-Luckless in Love-

Dear Luckless:
There are plenty of fish in the sea. Plenty of charming, amusing, far more attractive, manufactured to physical perfection, fish in the sea. What do you want with that loser anyway?

Dear Uncle Monty
Hey boo, I'm in a bit of a dilemma. You see, Monty, I prefer the honeys… but lately there be this one member of the visiting team who caught my eye. Damn, he fine! Problem is, aside from the three-legged issue and all, he's way too full of himself. So I don't want to go giving him more reasons to inflate that already massive ego of his. What should I do?

-Baffled 'n' Bootylicious-

Dear Baffled:
Try a threesome, with another female. That'll keep him in line.

Dear Uncle Monty
I care deeply for someone I don't think could ever return my feelings. He's… perfect. Absolutely and utterly perfect. I dream of him at night, I fantasize about him during the day… everywhere I go, no matter what I do, I can't stop thinking about him. And the problem is, he's always there. He works for me, so I can't avoid seeing him for long, and I don't want to let him go just because of my own issues. I know he needs this job. What should I do?

-Regular Joe-

Dear Joe:
Keep the drooling at work to a minimal, and everything will be alright.

Uncle Monty?!
Is that you Alec? I am so going to kick your ass… this is NOT "keeping a low profile"! Couldn't you at least come up with a new, more original alias? Moron.

-Your Untimely Demise-

Dear Untimely:
No, I'm afraid you are mistaken. I am not this "Alec" you speak of, though he sounds like a devilishly handsome individual. Instead of "kicking his ass", perhaps you should consider dating him… or at least having a threesome with him and your lesbian roommate.

Troubles in your love life? Worries about work? Issues at home with your family? No need to fret, the answers to all your questions are a letter away… just ask Uncle Monty.

A/N: I swear this is in no way interfering with any of my other stories. It was just one of those spur-of-the-moment things that pop up in my head from time to time. And now that it's out of the way, I'll get back to the other projects.