Princess Rosalina

By Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus

Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus: I'm going to be blunt and honest. Having Dry Bowser serve as a way for me to vent and rant without clogging my fanfics with unnecessarily long author notes feels so refreshing. Maybe I should do it more often.

Dry Bowser and Toadette looked at the grave that had the dead Princess Rosalina buried within it, with the destroyed ruins of the Comet Observatory being in the background of the deceased character's icy course. Looking at each other, Dry Bowser and Toadette shared a few words as it was snowing.

"Dry Bowser, did you ever like Rosalina?" Toadette asked as she held her hands together.

Dry Bowser sighed as he folded his skeletal arms together. "If I have to be honest? No. Not in the slightest."

"Oh, but why?" Toadette asked as she bobbed her head back and forth. "I mean, she wasn't that bad."

"Not that bad?" Dry Bowser retorted as he shook his left skeletal hand, facing Toadette. "She was an unneeded clone who contributed nothing to the games she appeared in, and she was basically a more boring version of Princess Peach Toadstool in different clothing." He growled as he closed his eyes. "In fact, maybe I should provide a flashback, considering I explain fully well why Rosalina was such a bad influence."

Cue flashback as Dry Bowser was at the Wii Rainbow Road with the other playable Mario Kart Wii characters, with Princess Rosalina approaching him as the yellow Luma floated around her.

"You know, we've been racing up here for quite a while," Rosalina stated as she blinked, "But for some reason, you seem not to like me. You tolerate most of the others, but I get the most criticism from you. Why is that?"

Dry Bowser turned to Rosalina, his skeletal arms folded as he sighed. "Do you honestly want to know why I loathe you so much?"

Rosalina sighed as she opened her eye. "Well, of course. I know you're a skeletal version of Bowser, but at least have the decency to explain why you're so bitty at me."

Dry Bowser stared at Rosalina for a few seconds as he closed his eyes. "...So be it." Opening his eyes again, he then clapped his hands as he caught the attention of everyone. "Hey! Listen up, I have something important to say!"

Everyone else faced Dry Bowser and Rosalina as Dry Bowser cleared his throat, turning to Rosalina as he pointed at her with his right skeletal hand.

"I know a lot of horrible, uncreative characters that plague both this franchise and many other games across the universe, but you are among the top ten, or rather at the very top as I see it." Dry Bowser stated as he shook his head, ranting onwards. "Where do I begin with how terrible of a character you are? Oh, I know, the fact that you're a blatant flavor of the month. The only reason idiots on the Internet care about you is because you're basically Peach wearing a different dress. You just scream of being an original character ripped right out of DevaintArt. There's no originality in you, it only seems like that because you have a terrible back story applied to you."

Rosalina gasped in shock as she placed her right hand over her mouth, with everyone having mixed reactions as they looked at each other.

"You don't mean that, do you?" Rosalina asked as she held her hands together, a look of devastation on her face.

Dry Bowser glared directly into her eyes. "I mean it with every fiber in my bones. Your storybook is forced and childish. It ruins the pacing of an otherwise all right game and doesn't connect to the rest of the actual game in any way, shape, or form in regards to the actual gameplay and the levels. Then there's the account that you don't even aid Mario on any of the levels and making him do all the hard work while you simply float around, attempting to be mystical and all. Needless to say that you later appeared in Mario Kart Wii as yet another unneeded clone to the roster and as a way to advertise Mario Galaxy. You basically were there to let Peach have a heavy counterpart to go hand in hand with Baby Peach. I mean, I may be and may have originated as another version of Bowser, but at least I'm honest about that. You don't see me having autistic, blind fanboys and fangirls crying that I'm completely original and vital to an entire franchise because of having a small role in one okay, outdated game, unlike you. And in Galaxy 2, you were so insignificant that you only appeared at the very end, your barely noticeable role in Galaxy 1 having been decreased." He shook both of his skeletal hands as he blinked, continuing to rant as Rosalina closed her eye, feeling awful about herself. "And speaking of which, what did you even actually do in Galaxy 1? Oh, you assigned a random Luma to Mario and piloted your Comet Observatory to the seemingly "center of the Galaxy" containing the final fight with Bowser. Never mind the fact that Mario could have easily befriended the Luma himself as shown in Galaxy 2, or that he could have taken one of the star warps right to Bowser. Did you actually do anything of importance? Did you even bother to give some helpful tips, however meaningless they were? I mean, I served as a boss in three different Mario platformers, with only the original New Super Mario Bros. showing me as just a different version of Bowser! I mean, yes, the boss battles involving me were arguably the same, but that's the fault of Nintendo for being so damn lazy and unimaginative in regards to boss fights, and they don't do well in that category for most of their games to begin with!"

After a brief pause to let himself catch some breath, even though he didn't need it as he was a skeleton, Dry Bowser pointed at Rosalina again with his right skeletal hand, bobbing his skeletal head up and down. "You were so pointless and unnecessary that no other game developer beyond Nintendo themselves actually referenced you, and even Shigeru Miyamoto despises your presence as a result of your crappy storybook being placed in the first Galaxy behind his back enough to have what little story there is in the Mario franchise removed. Despite there being many Mario Galaxy references in the games that came out since, the only games that had them that also involved you were both Mario Kart, and the first upcoming one to have you in that isn't Mario Kart is Mario Party on the 3DS, and not only does it basically combine Mario Galaxy and Mario Kart with its space themed board, you seemingly appear at the very end, meaning that your presence is insignificant in every sense of the word. The only reason you reappeared in Mario Kart 7 was because you were an easy edit of Peach, and given that the roster in general was pathetically bad, it's no surprise given how low quality the game in general was, particularly the models, as your knees were exposed when you rode in the pipe frame kart, same as Peach and Daisy. I don't even have to mention that while you were quite popular in Mario Kart Wii, you were one of the rarest characters used in Mario Kart 7, as barely anyone actually bothered using you. Just face the facts, Rosalina, you're nothing more but a filler character only used because you're just Peach in a different dress with a boredom inducing back story most people actually disliked. It's absolutely unsurprising that you fail to appear in any non Mario Galaxy or Mario Kart related game, because the truth of the matter is that no one legitimately likes you. You're a waste of pixels, and all you'll ever be known as is that Peach clone from Mario Galaxy."

Rosalina collapsed on the rainbow paved road as she placed her hands over her face, with Dry Bowser standing over her as everyone else was speechless, with the yellow Luma crying as it shook its head.

"But the worst part?" Dry Bowser finished off as he bent down, facing Rosalina as he pushed her hands away from her face. "The thing that really grinds my bones? I could easily look past this, all of it even, if you weren't so goddamn boring. And that is truly the worst part about you, Rosalina. You are just a boring, emotionless whore that doesn't stick out from the cast at all." He sighed loudly as he closed his eyes once more, standing up as he got into his Flame Flyer vehicle, starting it up as he glanced at Rosalina one last time. "Thanks for the talk, Ms. Original The Character, Do Not Steal." He then took off, driving on the Wii Rainbow Road as Rosalina was left to silently cry, with the others not knowing what to say as they looked at each other.

Back in the Present Day, Toadette was in shock as she placed her hands on her face, as she was strangely absent from that night as Dry Bowser sighed, opening his eyes.

"I guess it's a suspicious coincidence that she died several weeks after that rant I gave her." Dry Bowser commented as he once more folded his skeletal arms. "Well, if there's one good thing to come out of this, at least now the universe is less boring."

Toadette was about to call out on Dry Bowser, but she shrugged as she shook her head, not willing to bother as they continued looking at Rosalina's grave, with the weather getting colder as it snowed harder.