A/N: So this is my take on what could have happened on 3x12. Enjoy for now and I'll say more on this after you read it.
Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you
'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?
"Don't -" the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. I don't wanna beg like a girl for him to stay. I just won't.
But my mouth is acting on its own fucking accord and has the words out before I can do anything about it. My voice even fucking breaks in there somewhere. This isn't me. I don't do stuff like these. Even if I have done some crazy stuff when Ian's involved.
But damn me if I'm gonna beg him to stay.
He turns around and asks "Don't... what?" like he fucking doesn't know it already. He wants me to actually say it. But I can't, it feels like it's not even me who spoke in the first place.
So without thinking too much about it I attempt a response.
But I can't. I choke on my own words, I just fucking can't.
It's just not me and he knows it. I try, I feel my mouth move, trying to get something out through my brain filter but shaky breaths are all that comes out. I breathe out a low "fuck" more a whisper than anything else. And that's it.
He disappears into the hallway and just like that he's gone.
It's over. For real.
He's really leaving me behind. I finally fucking broke us. I did everything I possibly could to push him away so of course now he's going. Wasn't this exactly what I wanted? For him to leave me fucking alone. I always thought Gallagher was one of those fuckers who stick with you no matter the shit you pull. I was wrong, I managed to fucking bring him to his breaking point.
So now I'm finally gonna be alone, so I can finally figure out this mess with my dad and Svetlana by myself without fucking clingy Gallagher around all the time.
I thought I'd feel relief finally getting rid of him but I'm definitely not relieved right now. Instead a powerful feel of unease spreads over me, slowly it paralyzes me. When it reaches my head my throat closes up and my chest implodes knocking all the air out of it.
Suddenly I see hot white flashes before my eyes, my sight gets blurry around the edges and I start sweating, cold fucking sweat that slides from the nape of my neck right down my back.
And all the things I managed to push to the back of my head come rushing violently back.
My dad's eyes as he caught us together.
Svetlana's slick body enveloping mine.
The look on Ian's face as he was forced to watch us fuck.
My dad's smirk as he told me she was pregnant and that I was marrying her because of it.
Ian's words when he found out I was getting married.
Me hitting Ian.
"You love me and you're gay".
My throat closes up. I choke on my own spit and I can't breathe. I cough violently and my eyes fucking water. My chest constricts, it feels like it's going to fucking explode.
I'm gonna die. This is it, I'm dying.
And I'm almost relieved at the thought if it wasn't for this damn pain in my chest as air forces its way in.
I gag. I choke again, tears cloud my already tunneled vision. My ears ring. I get cold chills all over.
This must be death.
My heart beats so fast it feels like it's gonna fucking jump out of my chest any second now.
The pain in my chest is so bad that I double over.
But two strong arms catch me and force me to remain upright, I get shaken.
My first instinct is to fight back, someone is making it worse. I can't breathe, I need air, I need to get out of here. I feel caged, my throat constricts again and I choke again on my own fucking breath.
Every time I manage to get some air in my lungs my chest constricts so hard it feels like I'm gonna die.
Through the ringing in my ears I hear a voice calling my name. Through the tears that cloud my eyes I see a pair of eyes I know better that I'd like pierce through the pain and the panic.
"Mick? Mick, breathe! Slowly. Take deep slow breaths."
"Galla – gher?" I manage to get out. I don't recognize my own voice.
Suddenly I see him very clearly, I see his panicked face right before my eyes.
"Breathe, Mick! Please. Just breathe slowly in and out. C'mon, you can do this! Breathe, please."
And as always I'm powerless when he begs like that and almost unconsciously my body follows his orders.
I try and take deep breaths even if it hurts like fucking hell.
But his face contorted like that brings back the flashes come back stronger than before.
Me kicking Ian to the ground to shut him up. Cos his words were more that I could handle.
Seeing him just before the wedding.
Him not understanding I had no choice.
Svetlana's sweaty hand clutching mine as the minister spoke.
Ian's staring at me.
My dad smirking at Ian.
Being forced to sleep in the same bed as her.
His words as he prepares to leave me.
My throat closes up again.
My body gets shaken hard and my eyes refocus on Ian's face before me.
I force myself to listen to his voice.
"Mick, look at me! Focus on me and just breathe. Mick, please breathe!"
"Galla – gher d-don't - " I manage to get out as my teeth shatter on one another, my mouth wants to say more but I have no air left to speak so I just gag again.
Understanding dawns on his face and I feel arms around me and his smell invades my nose, his warmth calms the shakes almost instantly.
"It's okay Mick." he says, his voice low in my ear. "I'm not leaving, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, I'm never leaving you, okay? Just breathe, breathe for me. Please."
He repeats the words over and over again like a fucking litany directly in my ear.
As he does my breathing slows down, the chills stop. Tears are still embarrassingly streaming down my face and I'm still sobbing uncontrollably. But it's like I'm trapped inside my own damn body, I don't control it anymore.
And still he keeps talking to me.
"I'm never leaving you, you get that? I'm right here, I'm not giving up Mick. It's okay, I'm not leaving."
My brain slowly registers what he's saying and it seems like it's exactly what he wants to hear cos it lets me regain some kind of control over my body.
I feel tingling in my arms and hands and I found that somewhere in all of this they ended up under Ian's arms and around him, my hands clutching at the fabric on his back. I'm literally fucking clinging to him and I don't even remember doing that. Cos I would never do that.
I feel my legs shaking and I understand that's Ian who's keeping me up.
I close my eyes and breathe him in because other than sex this is the closest we've ever been to each other and it seems to calm my body down.
I must not have the complete control over my body yet cos the next words that come out of my mouth would never have gotten out otherwise.
So I listen helpless as I hear myself talking, my lips touching his chest as they move.
"I love you and I'm gay."
I feel constricted again but this time it comes from the outside. This time it's not my own chest closing in onto itself. This time is Ian's arms crushing me to him and it's a whole different kind of constriction, it doesn't feel like I need to escape from this. It actually helps a little.
My heart still beats furiously but it's slowing down as he holds me.
"I know..." I hear him whisper in the crook of my neck where his face is hidden. We stay like this for I don't know how long, my body isn't really under my control just yet. I manage to control my breathing and my eyes but that's it. I feel numb all over and the act of simply breathing normally is taking a lot of effort.
That's why when a part of my brain register Mandy's voice coming from the door behind me, I can't really do anything about avoiding her seeing us like this.
"Ian, I got the -"
Then she stops and kinda gasps. I feel Ian's head rise infinitesimally and then shake a little.
My brain is still a little fuzzy so I don't really care about Mandy seeing us fucking hugging right now. I'll deal with her later.
A/N: I don't know if I should mark this as an AU because to me this is what it could have very well happened after the bedroom scene in 3x12, to me Mickey's shaky breaths felt like a beginning of a full-on panic attack. To me his eyes were kind of giving away the panic that flooded over him at the idea of Ian leaving. He managed to not fall apart completely but in my head Mickey is just not that together so I kept having this scenario in my head and I just had to write it down.
Depending on how you guys like it I might write more chapters, I still don't know. I have a couple of ideas of how the story may progress and it's still a long way until January when we get to have more Ian/Mickey time so it could be a nice way for me to pass the time while we wait. Feel free to leave some ideas if you have any.
I have no first hand experiences with panic attacks but I saw them happening to a friend of mine and I did a bit of research so I hope that this feels real. Please feel free to point out if something feels weird or incorrect.
I'm really concerned about keeping them in character so I hope I did a marginally good job with it.
Feedback is greatly appreciated. ;)