Various Emotions Shared Between Leah & Edward
Part One: Bitterness
I had been stained red; my hands, my mouth, and my teeth. I could taste our memories and my loss. She was so stubborn. She wanted this… this was suicide that's what this was. Her lifeless body, that I had tried so desperately to save, lay there limp on the cold operating table. The soft gargles, the attempts at breathing our child fought to take still lingered in my ears. The child she'd been so determined to save. The tiny, young one's life ended, almost as soon as it had started. She wasn't strong enough. I had felt her heartbeat stop.
They had left me alone. Abandoned.
My hands stained by their blood.
Wandering outside, away from the horrific scene I had caused, I wanted to be ripped to shreds, to exist no longer. At some point, I don't know when, I dropped to my knees; frozen by too much loss. Figures and shadows surrounded me, trying to revive me from the haze of sorrow, but I was too far gone.
Day blended into night multiple times and still I sat like a statue on my knees in the dirt, begging the heavens above to show some mercy on my soulless being. For a moment I saw the sun and moon at the same time. Then a shadow covered me. I assumed it was another member of my coven trying to revive me.
But it wasn't.
It was my enemy masking herself in the form of an angel. She wore a white tank top and denim shorts. She kneeled in front of me and pulled something from her pack pocket. She reached out and took one of my hands in hers. She wiped my hands clean, one by one. As she wiped my face she wore a serious grimace. I knew someone must've volunteered her for this task. The monster in me cringed at her out–of-character behavior.
Leah was right to hate our kind.
"Why?" It was the first time I'd spoken in a while. The heat of her breath caused me to realize how thirsty I was.
"Because you… are me." My eyes flashed to hers in confusion. "Wow, that sounded really stupid. What I mean is, I can relate to what you are going through. I have suffered a couple of losses, too." I squeezed my eyes shut. I knew she wasn't comparing her little breakup with Sam to this.
"A break up is far less painful than mourning the dead, Leah." She glared at me as if I were dumb as a doorknob.
"Yeah, I lost Sam, but that's not what I was talking about. The monster in me caused the death of my father. Just the sight of me stopped his heart. I carry that with me every day. Not only that; there's something that nobody knows about the life this monster, my monster took from me. I was almost five months pregnant when I phased for the first time, when I phased back I was no longer pregnant. I reached between my thighs and I was left with stained hands, just like yours. My monster thought me unworthy of being a mother, the one thing that I wanted more than anything. She looked down at her stomach and held her now empty womb. "My monster left me barren and I hate it!" Her hands began to shake. "I hate it SO MUCH!"
I gazed into her watery, enraged eyes and realized her statement made perfect sense. I felt for her because I am her. "You are me," I repeated. I smirked at the revelation, the action in itself felt foreign.
"I actually may be worse," she chucked darkly as she unbuttoned my blood stained shirt and revealed my white under shirt, now our outfits matched.
"I doubt it."
"You'd be wrong," she mumbled and then rose to her feet. "Isn't it worse that to this day Sam doesn't know about our baby?" I frowned and shook my head in disbelief.
"What about the whole wolf mind-link thing?" I asked and she avoided my gaze with her eyes.
"There are ways to avoid thinking of things, Edward. Actually, you are the first person I've told." She shrugged like it wasn't a big deal.
"Why?" Why had she trusted me with this personal information?
"I've seen you here, frozen for the past week. I decided it was time for you to rejoin the land of the living… well, the land of the existing, at least." I snorted through my nose at her remark. She made it seem like it was so easy. She was the only one I knew that had gone through something so similar. Maybe I should trust her. If she could get through it, so could I. Or maybe she was just setting me up for failure. I grunted and turned my face away from her.
"I'm going to tell you like everyone has told me, even though I don't fully agree with it. They told me to stop harping on the past. You can't freeze the pain. You have to deal with it. You are sitting here stewing in your depression and bitterness, and you're missing things that you're really going to regret, like Bella's funeral.
Sobbing tearless sobs I croaked, "Her… funeral?"
"Yes, her funeral." Leah offered me her hand, her olive branch, a lifeline and for some reason I was compelled to take it.
Leah led me straight to my unfinished business. We stood in front of the tombstone belonging to Isabella Swan, my Bella. I hesitantly reached out and touched the cold marble. Not sure what I was expecting from the cold, stone monument; maybe some sort of connection to the woman who now rested six feet below it, I was left with nothing.
"Nothing," I whispered. Leah had been standing behind me. She moved closer and finally stood at my side.
"I'm not trying to be unfeeling, but this is only a memorial. Bella's spirit is not connected to this stone or this piece of land. She probably dwells inside of you, loving you and watching over you. I just thought coming here would be fitting; a good place for you to say your final goodbyes." I nodded, understanding Leah's intention, however I kind of felt it was way too soon. I took a deep breath and allowed memories of Bella to rush through my head. I remembered her shyness, selflessness, and her love of me. I had a clear vivid picture of her hand in mine, she had trusted me, and I had failed her. I had killed such an innocent spirit.
"Bella," I whispered. "You left me. You left me." Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Leah slipping away into the night. Deep down I wished she had stayed. I knew she was trying to give me my privacy and respect my final moment; but I needed a support, that lifeline she'd held out earlier. I looked back on Bella's resting place and then closed my eyes wishing this was all a dream. Unfortunately I hadn't slept, nor had I dreamed in over century, and this moment was real. There was no escaping this pain.
"I have to say goodbye, my love, but I really… I just don't how I'm going to live without you in my world."
3 Months Later …
Part Two: Playfulness
"I can't believe you talked me into this!" Leah grumbled behind me. She was pretending she couldn't keep up because she was still sore that I'd won our little wager. She really should have known better than to try to gamble with someone who can read minds.
"I won the bet, Leah. Fair is fair." I reminded her. Leah huffed and groaned.
"Yeah, yeah, I know how I got myself into this mess," she grumbled. "Why didn't you ask Seth? He's like in love with you." I chuckled. Her brother's attraction to me was more than a little weird.
"I don't want to see Seth naked in his mind's eye." I shook off the thought.
"So, you want to see me naked? Edward, that makes no sense." Leah raised both her eyebrows and looked a bit confused and shocked at the same time.
"Oh dear, naïve she-wolf, I've already seen you naked!" The expression on her face had me laughing pretty hard. Her mind mirrored the look on her face. What the hell?
"Bull shit!" She waited for me to tell her I was joking, but she wouldn't get that response if she wished to hear the truth. I shook my head, grinning, and her eyes became wider and wilder. "You perve!" She caught up to me that fast just so she could hit me. "When?" She shoved my shoulder.
"No need for the outrage Leah, it's not like I could help it." I shrugged and gave her my 'pity me I have this invasive gift that I don't really want' look. She glared at me for a moment and then shoved me again.
"We've had this conversation before! You can hear other's thoughts, but you don't have to focus in on them, I.E. you didn't have to focus on me being naked!" I chuckled. Since the day Leah rescued me from myself, she'd been the only entity I could really relate to. She was also the only person who could make me feel light and laugh, but that was mainly because she was so outrageous. Plus, she was the only one who could snap me out of my funks.
"So answer my question Edward!" She planted herself directly in front of me and continued demanding an answer. "When were you peeping in on me?" I groaned, and shuffled the dirt beneath my shoe. I didn't know why she was dwelling on this it was such a non issue. I gave her question some thought revisited the times I'd seen her undress.
"Well, actually I've seen you a few times. When you use the shower at our house I can see you very clearly buddy, all of you, in living HD." I burst into laughter and if I could I would have shed tears I was laughing so hard.
"Edward!" She lifted her hands to put them on me again, but I caught them in mine and stopped her. She was such a feisty thing; whenever she didn't get her way she felt the need to hit me. It was a sometimes cute, but also annoying, feature to hanging out with the she-wolf.
"Leah!" I mimicked her tone and we both laughed. "So are you going to turn, or what?"
"Uh, I don't turn, I phase. And I don't think I should now because you've revealed yourself to be a sneaky Peeping Tom," she huffed and rolled her eyes at me and folded her arms across her chest.
"Regardless of what I am, I won the bet! Don't be an Indian giver!" Her eyes and mouth widened in shock of my statement.
"Did you really just say that?" She gasped loudly and then she began to mumble to herself as she stalked away from me. "Now I know I'm not doing anything… 'Indian giver!' This leech is out of his mind if he thinks he can just say whatever he wants to."
"Do it, or I'll take you hunting!" I threatened and she snapped around to face me with her rage. She'd gone with me once before and she ended up barfing behind some bushes.
"You will not, and if you lift me like you did last time I'll…"
"You'll what? I'm more than intrigued, Leah. What will you do to the likes of me?" After a brief standoff- we were both stubborn and stuck in our ways- it took a moment for either of us to cave. I usually ended up getting my way. After a moment of staring at me with narrowed eyes and her hands on her hips, she huffed out a sigh of defeat.
"I don't even know why I bother with…," she continued to mumble as she walked away and find a tree to hide behind while she disrobed.
In her mind's eye I watched as she removed her black v-neck top and exposed her red bra. She took off her khaki shorts and that revealed her black and red plaid boy-short panties.
"Very nice!" I teased, and she growled at me.
"Shuddup, you always have to make things weirder than they have to be," she fussed and then unclasped her bra. I immediately became quiet, something about her nudity and her proximity made my mouth dry. Leah's skin was flawless, golden, and looked smooth to the touch. I watched as she took a deep breath and then allowed thoughts of her loss, hurt, and anger to race quickly through her mind. This brief moment was short lived as her beast awakened and stole the show.
The earth shook as she approached me. It was the first time I'd been really close to any of the shape shifters in this form. She sat down in front of me and narrowed her eyes. I moved closer and stared in the beast's eyes, she reared her ears back. I could still see her in there. Her eyes were the same. After a moment of this Leah tilted her head and decided on her revenge.
"Oh Leah, God! Eww!" She had licked me, thereby soaking half my body.
Ha, you won't ask me to do this for you anymore, will you? She thought with her cocky little confidence.
"I'll show you, ha! Race me?" I motioned for her to stand beside me. She trotted over to me eagerly; little did she know she was going to lose. I was chuckling before we even begun to race.
You're laughing now, but soon you're going to be crying back to Esme when I leave your ass in the dust! She thought and made a wolfish sort of noise for good measure.
"Talk is cheap, wolf!" I stated.
I'm not talking, I'm thinking, vampire boy!
I rolled my eyes, Leah was such a little smart ass, but truthfully she was one of the best friends I'd ever had. You are me. Three little words and one little smart-mouth of a wolf had saved my life.
"On your mark, get set, go!" I yelled and with that we raced into the night, away from the norm, away from the stigmas, and away from the hurt.
6 months later…
Part Three: Jealousy
Standing in the night air, I was waiting for Leah, trusting her to come downstairs, open the door and let me in. She'd left me standing out there for fifteen minutes. Her thoughts from inside her mother's house were loud and angry. She had every right to be.
"What?" She barked as she finally opened the door and leaned, with her arms crossed, against its frame. I held up some Rocky Road ice cream as a form of apology. She huffed an exasperated sigh and grabbed the ice cream.
"Sorry." I handed her the spoon I had brought with me, so she had to peek up at me.
"Come in." She turned and entered the living room of the house. She cut on a couple of lights and then plopped down on the couch. I followed and sat beside her. It was 2AM, I was lucky that Leah didn't require much sleep. She dove greedily into the pint and folded her feet underneath her. It was a good thing I knew Leah's weakness, chocolate in any form. It didn't sit well that she was mad at me.
"Am I forgiven?" I asked as I watched her eat. I figured I had a better chance of her saying yes if she was still eating. She didn't say anything at first, she focused on savoring her ice cream, but then she stopped and turned to scrutinize me.
"Why did you do that? Do you how hard it was for me to even want to go out with anybody?" She shifted so that she was facing me and could focus completely on me. "The guy was like perfect for me."
"No he wasn't, he was the typical hormone riddled male trying to get in your… your..." I found myself at a loss how to say what I meant and still sound like a gentleman.
"My what?" She snapped as if daring me to say it.
"Your lady parts!" I blurted out. Leah bit back her urge to laugh.
"Edward, sometimes I swear your real age shows." She allowed herself a little chuckle. Her body had physically relaxed and she let go of some of her tension. "So what if he wanted a little action? It's been a while, maybe I'm interested in a little fun."
"You don't want him!" I fumed, my anger surprised her, hell it surprised the both of us. I wasn't exactly sure what was causing this reaction. "How can you… how can you just lay with someone you don't love."
"I don't know. I never have. I just don't think that I will ever love anyone like I loved Sam." I felt this statement deep in my core. I didn't know if I'd ever love anyone like I loved Bella. "If I based sex on only being in love, I may never experience sex again. Sex is too good not to have again." She remembered how desired and sexy Sam had made her feel, but the most important feeling she remembered experiencing when she laid with him was that of being special. She wanted to feel special again. "I kinda miss it a little." I arched an eyebrow. I didn't want to judge her, but I knew that she would regret her actions if she engaged in casual sex. She snorted in my direction and picked at her jeans. "Don't look at me like that, we can't all be perfect like you." I didn't want her to be like me, I just wanted her to treat herself with the respect she deserved. I was personally shocked that her self esteem was so low. Leah was special, and she shouldn't need anyone to tell her. She should just know.
"You can't miss what you don't know," I shrugged.
"Ignorance is bliss," she mumbled and I nodded.
"More people should be like you," she said honestly as she now scraped the bottom of the ice cream container. She placed the spoon in her mouth and sucked on it, savoring the flavor.
"I think you're more like me than you realize." I tried, but for some reason I couldn't break my gaze away from the spoon in her mouth.
"Really, how so?" Leah eyed me and seemed thoroughly amused.
"Because I don't think you could do it, be intimate with a stranger. You need the connection to feel something for the person."
"Lust is a type of a connection," Leah placed her feet in my lap, she threw her head back and closed her eyes. This conversation had become deep. We were sharing our personal beliefs on something that was private. It felt weird to me, how comfortable I was sharing this information with her. She was a little tired of the conversation but I was finding it at the very least informative.
"You would regret it after." I was convinced that she wasn't that loose. "I'm not even sure you could kiss someone that you didn't have feelings for."
"Is that so?" She sat up, placed her now empty container on the coffee table and wiped her hands on her pj bottoms. I nodded my answer and then it happened. She lunged across the space between us and attacked my lips with hers. My eyes blared open, I wasn't expecting that! But as her steaming hot lips moved against mine, it was different. It was nice; really, really nice. However, as soon as I wrapped my arms around her, she pulled way. She panted softly for a moment until her heartbeat returned to its normal rhythm.
"See? Easy." She cleared her throat and then moved away from me on the couch. She maintained a fairly composed appearance outside, but inside her thoughts were excited and eager.
WOW, oh God, WOW! No wonder Bella was so hung up. That's was so… oh my God, he's a vampire! I just kissed a vampire. I really shouldn't have done that, but Edward is so damned smug! I was trying to prove something, but I'm not so sure I did. Edward is… a mind reader, shit, shit, triple shit!
"Well it's getting late," Leah croaked as she got up and drifted toward the door.
"Yeah," I stood and followed her. She'd given me a lot of things to think about tonight but she still hadn't answered the question that I'd come here with.
"So do you forgive me, Leah? I am truly sorry," I said with all of the sincerity I had. She looked at me with confused, worried eyes.
"Yeah, Edward, I forgive you. Talk to you later okay?" I nodded a little numbly as she opened the door and then I stepped back into the night.
9 months later….
Part Four: "Lust"
"This movie is so lame," Leah murmured as she watched the black and white film I'd been dying for her to see. "It's so unreal. Look at the way he's looking at her," she criticized. "That's not how real love works, not in today's society, and I doubt it worked that way back then in your olden days, Edward." I studied Leah curiously, how could she not see the beauty of this story. To me it was the most real interpretation of love I'd ever seen, and I'd lived much longer than she had.
"What does love look like to you?" I asked. I was almost afraid of her answer. She took a moment to think about the question I'd posed to her. Visions of Sam, loss, and tears ran through her mind.
"It looks painful, raw, and unkind." She spoke almost in a monotone; she just kept her eyes trained on the television, vowing that the movie I had wanted to share with her was a lie.
"I wish you didn't feel that way," I confessed in a whisper.
"Me too, but I'm a realist." Leah maintained. "Love isn't a second-hand emotion, it's more like a pseudo-emotion used to mask the real issue; lust." I raised my eyebrows, now that statement I was not expecting.
"So love is just lust in fancy clothes?" I asked and she nodded and chuckled.
"Yes, it also wears make up and has fancy hair, but when you undress it, it's still plain old simple lust." I rolled my eyes at what she was insinuating.
"What about the love between family members and friends? What about the love and concern for you?" Leah stared at me with a frown on her face as she thought for a moment.
"Concern and appreciation can be confused for the feeling of love. It can also be considered a territorial and possessive feeling that you may recognize as love, but the truth is you've just gone Looney." I paused for a second to take in her words, and then burst into laughter as how ludicrous her logic had become.
"You can't be serious?" I managed to say through my laughter.
"I'm deadly serious, Edward. Love like that doesn't exist." She motioned towards the screen. "I've never felt it. Even when I was with Sam we didn't behave that way." She wrapped her arms around herself a little sadly. "He never danced with me like that. Matter of fact, Sam never slow danced with me at all." Leah thought to herself that he'd probably done all that stuff with Emily, but she knew that wasn't the type of connection she wanted anymore; not with Sam or any other man. She felt his obsession with her cousin was sick and sad because he didn't choose it. I was more shocked at the fact that Sam had never held this woman, his woman, Leah, in his arms and rocked her. Leah deserved that, I decided. I quickly hopped to a standing position and extended my hand.
"Uh, what are you doing?" She looked at me as if I'd lost my damned mind, and maybe I had.
"I'm going to slow dance with you. Everyone should at least have that experience." I reached out and took her hand in mine and pulled her off the couch and into my arms.
"There's no music to dance to," Leah protested, stating the obvious. I noticed she was tense in my arms. Leah was not normally the nervous kind, so her behavior was weird to me. "Are you okay?' I asked. She nodded, but her mind thought, No.
"I'm just wondering how we are going to stay in sync with no music." I started to hum and lifted her arms around my neck. I allowed my hands to rest on her hips as I rocked her to and fro to the little melody I was creating. I held her only a little closer than arm's length. I didn't know how she felt about being so close to me, considering that my aroma didn't quite work well with her sinuses.
I smiled gently and gathered her just a little closer after Leah had begun to relax and enjoy the experience. "It's not so bad being led by a vampire is it?"
"I guess. You know sometimes I forget what you are. I probably would forget completely if it wasn't for you feeling the need to remind me on a daily basis." She rolled her eyes and I chuckled.
"I think, sometimes when I'm hanging out with you, I start to forget that I'm a monster and I'm supposed to be miserable," I confessed and she smirked. Her copper colored skin began to redden. "I made you blush. What emotion does that come from?" I raised one hand from her waist to caress her cheek. Her heated blood on radiated through her skin and stung my pointer finger as I enjoyed the feel of her soft skin beneath mine.
"I really don't know. I don't recognize myself when I'm with you. I don't know what I'm saying, and you say the weirdest things sometimes." She shrugged her shoulder and moved a few inches closer to me. I'm not sure if the action was voluntary but I appreciated it.
"I can tell you what I think you feel." I wasn't sure why I was about to push the envelope in regard to this. I knew that if I was wrong I could stand to lose the one person that motivated me to keep existing. Something in me told me I had to try; it just felt like Leah and I were opposite magnetic poles with an undeniable force pulling us towards one another. I knew I couldn't be close enough to her, and if she wasn't near, I was thinking about her, or wishing she was.
"Please, spare me your romanticism. I will admit to an attraction to you, okay? And I know you feel it too, but I'm trying not to focus on any of that." She whimpered her irritated confession to me. I knew the only reason she'd adopted that attitude was because she was afraid of my response. It took everything in me not to call her on it. "It's just lust, Edward, it will pass. It always does." She murmured the last part to herself.
"Will it?" I pulled her closer to my chest so that our bodies were flush against each other. After a moment of tension, Leah again relaxed and placed her head on my shoulder. "What if I agreed? What if I felt it was lust, but I thought it was the special kind of lust that was all dressed up fancy, wearing make-up, with nice hair and had on elegant perfume? What if we were involved in that type of lust?"
Leah's body tensed against mine and she allowed herself to whisper one word. "No." It wasn't 'No, I don't feel that way.', instead it was 'Oh no, I feel that way, too.'
"You can't deny that type of lust, Leah. It lingers, bubbling deep down in you lower belly, confirming that you've found someone. The one." I whispered in her ear and her body began to tremble, not with anger, but in fear and hesitation.
What does this mean? He can't possibly mean what he's saying, she thought as she tried to calm and control her emotions.
"What we have, Edward, is a really good friendship with a hint of something extra. The feeling is not fancy, it's biological… and probably carnal on some levels." She was lying to herself, and wasting her breath. It was impossible for her to trick me. Maybe she was still trying to keep herself in denial.
"Is it really?" I pulled away from her, just enough so I could study her face. Her eyes were watery and full of anxious activity. "Carnal feelings cause this face?
"Yes," she stammered.
"Yes?" I couldn't believe she was still trying to lie. The turmoil and the desire whirled in her eyes. I couldn't leave her feeling so vulnerable, we needed to tackle this. I had enough secrets in my life, I didn't need this to be another one, especially because, as far as I was concerned, there was no guilt or shame in this feeling. "You're lying. I believe love is real and that it's what you feel; regardless of whether you want to admit it to yourself or not. I personally hope you allow yourself to yield it because… I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you, Leah." I slowly moved my face closer, hoping she wouldn't shift away from me. When she didn't, I gently placed my lips against hers once, and then again a little less tenderly, to make known my need to love her.
We stood intertwined, movie long forgotten, with her hands slipping into my hair and my hands possessively gripping her waist. As we kissed, our movements became more intense and urgent. Leah's breath was quickly becoming a panting that played in rhythm with her heartbeat. At last her mind conceded, and her thoughts became clear. I love you Edward, I do. I lifted my head away from hers, I wanted to see what Leah's love for me looked like. I studied her wide, caring eyes with deep blushed cheeks. She was beautiful; this emotion, above any other, suited her.
"I love you, too," I whispered before I lifted her into my arms and kissed her once more and carrying her up the stairs with the full intention of showing her just how much I adored her.
"Mind rapist!" She tightened her arms around my neck, giggled and then kissed me once more. "My mind rapist."