Iryo-nin Kasa (医療忍傘)
Chapter Forty-Four: Little Nuisances
What were you thinking? Are you stupid? What self-respecting person would do such things? How could you be so reckless? So thoughtless? So immature! You're twice as unstable as Gaara even on a good day! Your mother died for you! How could you live with yourself?
...Okay, I might've added the last couple on the list, but I'm quite sure I've collected all the things that were said or screamed at me after each close brush of death I've experienced. Though, this time I'm being scolded for the prank I pulled with Obito. While we both got tongue lashings for what we pulled, he suffered an additional speech for being the instigator.
Expected, considering if things went sour, we could've very well started a war… well, the war could still happen, but not over this. Not after the implication A stated during my performance. If Yagura decides to hold this over us, he would seem awfully petty. I have to say, A cutting in like that probably saved us from having to fight our way home.
Not that it would make me regret my actions in the least. There was something oddly exhilarating about making people shit themselves with terror. The adrenaline, the excitement, the feeling of power… delicious power…Hmm… It does seem like I'm acting like an irrationally unstable child doesn't it?
Come to think of it, I never really spared a second thought before willingly jump into mortal danger. During Isobu and Kurama's attacks on Konoha, the amount of anger and hate rolling off those demons should've had me on my knees quaking in fear and crying for my mommy. Yet, I feel completely at ease despite all the death and destruction all around me.
Uh… I think there might be something wrong with my brain… I know people normally act cautious and wary for their lives in those conditions, but for some reason the threat just doesn't seem to register. In hindsight, when I faced Yagura in the stadium, I didn't really feel fear. Sure, I was in a cold sweat and my heart raced a mile a minute, but now that I think about it, I wasn't really terrified. Actually, I think it was…
A flash of pink eyes and a sly grin crossed my mind before I found myself nearly tripping over my feet. Oh god no… no, no, no… I felt my face heat up as I regained my balance. You've got to be shitting me! What the hell body? Are you hitting puberty early? And why Yagura of all people? I mean sure, he has pretty eyes and an alluring—Oh, don't you fucking dare!
…Fuck you, body.
Utakata's pretty cute too.
Okay, now you're just being a troll.
And you're arguing with yourself.
Oh shit…You're right, I am! How's life treating you buddy?
You know, recently just died, came back to life and nearly caused another international incident. You know, the usual. How the hell do you think we're doing dumbass?
Bit not good huh?
No shit, Sherlock.
"Kasa?" A waving hand in front of my face snapped me out of my thoughts.
"Huh?" I blinked a couple of times before my eyes focused on Tenzo.
After what happened, Hiruzen had ordered Tenzo to join our group for the return trip. He remained in Kiri with Kakashi, Obito and the rest of his anbu. I'm uncertain to whether they're staying for damage control or that they have other negotiations to handle. Either way, I'm quite glad to not be there.
"Are you okay?" asked the older teen with a worried frown.
"Yeah… I'm just… thinking." I scratched the side of my cheek sheepishly.
More like arguing with yourself.
Shut up, stop making me sound like I'm crazy.
You're the one arguing with yourself.
"About someone?" grinned Tenzo.
"W-what?" I stutter, my traitorous body flushing. Why the hell are you flushing? That was a perfectly normal question. Stop being an asshole.
"Is that why you're not walking with Itachi and Shisui?" drawled Tenzo as we continued walking side by side.
"…Huh?" I blinked, losing the redness on my face as I waved a casual hand. "I'm not thinking about them. Why would I be thinking about them? They're the ones avoiding me."
"They're… avoiding you?" Confusion crossed his face before a big grin plastered over mine.
"There's a saying that girls shouldn't kiss and tell." I raised a finger to my lips with a wink.
A chuckle escaped Tenzo as he raised a hand to hide his laugh. "And you said you weren't thinking about them?"
"I'm not." I huffed. "Why would I think about them when Yagura is so much more… ignore that, I said nothing."
"…Yagura? As in… the Mizukage?" said Tenzo as realization set in, followed by disbelief. "You have a crush on him?"
"Shut up!" I said indignantly as my face flushed red.
"…You do know if our villages go to war, it'd be him declaring it right?" noted Tenzo.
"You say it like I'm actually dating the man." I retorted dryly.
"Your father would have a heart attack," commented Tenzo.
"As if liking someone from Konoha would make him feel any better." I snorted. "I think if Tou-san had a choice, he'd lock me away from all suitors and toss away the key."
"Oh?" said Tenzo with interest. "Is there someone in Konoha?"
"…When did you become Hana?" I said in a deadpan.
"Well, the boy to girl ratio of this mission is quite skewed," commented Tenzo. "I thought I balance it a bit for you."
"Pft." I covered my mouth in a snigger. "Are you going to wear a dress?"
"Sad to say, I forgot to pack it," continued Tenzo without missing a beat.
"I could lend you one of my kimonos." I joked with a grin.
"You sure you want to do that? I might ruin your imagine in your crush's eyes," grinned Tenzo.
"Nah, I doubt he'll notice for at least another decade." I replied cheekily.
"…Another decade?" frowned Tenzo. "Who do you have a crush on?"
"Jiraiya-sama." I said with a grin.
"What?" Tenzo stumbled, nearly planted his face on the ground. "You're joking right? He's older than your father!"
"Love knows no age." I said dreamily. "Besides, Jiraiya-sama is so cool!"
"…I find it frightening that I can't tell whether or not you're joking or serious," said Tenzo quietly.
"What can I say, I like powerful men." I answered cheekily.
"Mreow…" hissed a familiar feline before I flinched and jumped behind Tenzo, using him as a shield.
"God damn it Itachi! Are you taking him back to Konoha just to spite me?" I snapped, glaring at him and the hissing feline in his arms.
"You do know he is actually a she, right?" commented Itachi nonchalantly as he scratched the demon cat behind the ear while it remained curled up in his arms. The cat purred in content and settled.
"… You actually checked?" I said in quiet disbelief.
"Why are you surprised?" droned Itachi.
"…I never thought you were that sort of a pervert." I said quietly, hiding myself behind Tenzo. "Poor Naori-san. She's going to have a husband that's into bestiality."
"W-What?" Itachi spluttered in disbelief.
"Pft." I clutched Tenzo's arm, desperately trying to keep my laughter at bay, but failed miserably as I cracked up laughing. "Oh my goodness, if only you could see the look on your face. Man that was priceless!"
"Even after all that's happened, you still haven't gained an ounce of maturity," said Itachi in mild annoyance.
"There's a saying that growing old in inevitable, but growing up is optional." I retorted with a cheeky grin.
"You're an idiot," said Itachi bluntly as he resumed scratching Akuma behind the ear.
"And you're a clichéd villain with a cat." I countered.
"And so, the flirting begins," said Shisui with a fake dramatic sigh.
"Shisui! How could you say that?" I turned to him just as dramatically. "You know I would never come between you and your true love! You and Itachi are meant to be together!"
"Oh for the love of!" said Tokuma pinched the bridge of his nose as Shisui and I slipped into another one of our silly acts. Santa along with the majority of our teammates rolled their eyes as our performance unfolded.
"But alas!" Shisui draped the back of his hand on his head. "Itachi's heart has been stolen by the wretched succubus that lays curled up in his arms. I am no match for that fiery little vixen."
"Worry not Shisui!" I grasped onto his hands. "Together we will vanquish that vile demon and you and Itachi could be together once again!"
"Oh Kasa!" said Shisui as he gripped ours hands closer to our faces.
"Shisui!" I returned with teary eyes.
"…You two are still idiots," said Itachi in a deadpan.
Tenzo shook his head as Shisui and I sniggered. The rest of the trip back to Konoha was done in relative peace with no notable interruption. On the surface it seems like I'm calm and ready, dropping jokes and nonsense, but inside, I felt jittery and restless. At first, I thought it was just the adrenaline from dying and then pulling off that stupid stunt with Obito. Who wouldn't be unnerved and nervous after something like that?
I ended up having to keep myself from jumping at every little noise and brushing it off as a joke when I do end up yelping in surprise. Tenzo noticed my unease, but there wasn't much he could do except help me hide it from everyone else. I'm sure Kurei and the other senseis noticed as well, but they didn't say anything.
As the week went on, I noticed… changes. It's nothing particularly big, but for some reason, I found myself having food cravings. I don't think I'm going to menstruate anytime soon, so I don't think the craving is from that, but it's odd… I'm craving for fish, lots and lots of fish… I mean, I like fish, but I never had a craving for it. Not only that, I want it raw and I don't mean raw like sashimi where it's properly prepared and seasoned.
I want it…alive… I want to tear into it while it was still fresh and flailing.
…That probably should've clued me in that something wasn't right, but I didn't think much about it. Not with the blond bundle of energy plowing into me the instant I stepped into the house.
"Sasa-nee!" squealed Naruto as he tackled me.
"Oof! Naruto!" I yelped before I hit the ground with him sitting on my stomach. "Ow…"
"About time! I thought you were never coming back!" said Naruto with a huff. "You do remember your promise right?"
"Promise?" I said in a daze as I pushed myself onto my elbows to get a better look at him.
"So you did forget!" said Naruto with an angry pout. "Sasuke was right! You're just like Itachi-ni!"
"Woah! Woah! Hold on a second! Do not compare me to Itachi!" I said indignantly.
"Then what did you promise me before you left?" said Naruto with a huff with his arms crossed.
"I just got home!" I protested, but the younger boy kept his arms firmly crossed and an angry pout on his lips.
"Naruto," said Kushina with humor tinting her voice as she pulled her son off me. "I know you want to win the bet you made with Sasuke, but Kasa just came home. Let her rest for a bit."
"But moooom!" whined Naruto as tried to wiggle out of her grasp.
"…Bet?" I said in confusion. "What sort of bet?"
"Naruto and Sasuke made a bet to see who has the better sister or brother," giggled Kushina as she hugged the pouting Naruto like a plush doll. "Apparently, both you and Itachi promised to train with them when you returned."
"…I really wanted a nap, but..." I sighed, dropping back down to the ground before raising my legs into the air. With one swift swing of my legs, I used the momentum to pull me from the ground and turned to him with a grin. "A promise is a promise, right?"
Naruto perked up with a grin. "Really?"
"Kasa, you just got home," said Kushina. "Are you sure you're up to it?"
"I never said I'm going alone." I chirped.
"Oh?" Kushina made a sound of interest.
"Naruto's not the only person that gets to rub my greatness into someone's face today!" I cackled as I waved to my blond little minion. "Come on now kiddo, we have Uchiha to make fun of!"
"Yeah!" cheered Naruto as he slipped out of his mother's arms and hurried to his room to grab his training gear.
"Kasa," chided Kushina with an amused shake of her head. "That's not very nice."
"Well, I never did say I was a nice person." I retorted in good humor. "Come on Naruto! Get your butt into gear! Time's a wasting!"
"Coming!" shouted Naruto as he darted out of the room, struggling to strap on his weapon pouch as tried to rush.
"Don't give your Kasa-nee too much trouble, okay?" chuckled Kushina as she bent over to plant a kiss on his forehead.
"Argh, mooom!" whined Naruto as he broke free and ran to the door. Sasa-nee! Let's go already!"
"Okay, okay." I said with a grin as he ran in place waiting for me.
"Don't stay out too late," said Kushina as she planted a kiss on my forehead too.
"Got it!" I said before darting out after Naruto.
As we made our way to the Uchiha district, Naruto babbled on and on about what happened the last two months whilst I was away. From what he was saying, it didn't seem like anything happened at all, but then again, Naruto's only a child. I doubt Konoha's security has fallen that badly while I was away.
It's weird. After all the excitement in the chunin exams… it's weird to just return to life… as if nothing happened. Do things normally go this way? Some big event ripping through your life and then… this? Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe—
"Pardon the intrusion!" shouted Naruto as he ran into the Uchiha household. "SASUKE! I totally won our bet! Come out! Come out!"
I fought back a giggle as he kicked off his shoes and scrambled up the ledge before running off to find Sasuke. Shaking my head, I took off my own shoes and gathered his to place them neatly. I paused when I noticed an extra pair of shoes. Normally, I wouldn't take note of anyone's shoes, considering they all pretty much look identical to everyone else's. However, there was another pair of adult sized shoes and I'm quite sure Fugaku was still at work. So… that means they have a guest…possibly an important guest…a political…
"Oh crud." I muttered as I darted up to chase after Naruto. So much for 'as if nothing happened' me and my stupid assumptions.
"Mikoto-san! Where's Sasu—" Naruto started, but I hastily snatched him up before he could dart further into the house.
"Naruto, today's not a good day." I hissed, hauling him. "Let's come back tomorrow."
"Why?" whined Naruto.
"Because I said so!" I hissed again. "Now come on. We have to get out before—"
"Mreow!" snarled a familiar feline before I felt chills run up my spine.
"Time to go!" I shouted as I turned heel to run, but only to run straight into another body.
"REOW!" screeched Akuma as she pounced.
"Damn it!" I stood my ground, letting out a killer's intent to freeze her in her place. However, my attention was broken with Mikoto rushed out into the hall.
"Kasa-chan! What are you doing here?" asked Mikoto as she stepped out into the hall with a panicked expression.
"REOW!" screeched Akuma once more as she pounce.
Damn it, nowhere to run! Naruto stood paralyzed in place due to my killer intent. Shit, Akuma's going to kill him! I gathered him into my arms using my body to shield him from harm. I closed my eyes preparing for claws against my skin and pain to follow.
Only it never came…
"Using a killer's intent against a cat is overkill, don't you think?" said a soft but self-assured voice.
"Huh?" I squeaked, cautiously peaking back to see what happened.
Above me was an indigo-haired young woman. Akuma hissed and snarled as she was grasped by the scruff of her neck by the woman. The demonic feline was doing her best to claw at her, but she didn't seem the least bit bothered. After a moment of struggle and snarling, Akuma spun helplessly in her grasp as she kept her an arm's length away without any effort or killer's intent. I stood stunned and bewildered, surprised by how easily she handled the demon cat.
"…Oh my god. You're such a badass…" I said in awe and admiration. "I think I'm in love."
"What?" said both women in confusion before I found a fist smashed into the back of my head.
"Ow!" I protested, covering my head and turning back to my attacker. "What the hell was that for?"
"For being an idiot," droned Itachi. "Don't you have anything better to do?"
"Well, I was going to take Naruto out training." I said, rubbing the back of my head irritably.
"Kasa-nee, should Naruto be looking like that?" asked Sasuke curiously.
"Oh shit! Naruto!" Hastily, I charged up a handful of healing chakra and brushed it over the blond's head, drawing him out of his terrified state. "Naruto, you okay?"
"…Sasa-nee?" said Naruto in befuddlement before he snapped out of his daze and jumped up. "Sasuke! You lose! Sasa-nee's going to train with me like she promised! HA!"
"No fair!" whined Sasuke before he turned to Itachi with an indignant pout. "How come you never keep your promise like Kasa-nee?"
Itachi turned to glare at me.
"His words, not mine!" I darted behind the violet-haired beauty to shield myself away from another knuckle to my head. "If you have so much time trying to kill my brain cells, why don't you use that time to train Sasuke like you promised?"
"You're one to talk about promises," said Itachi in annoyance.
"And you're the one that gave me the okay to break all the promises I want. I have Shisui and Obito as my witnesses!" I stuck out my tongue childishly.
"So you're the Kasa I heard so much about," said the young woman as she glanced down at me. Akuma still hissing and snarling in her hand.
"…Oh… hi! We haven't met before. Please allow me to introduce myself." I said with a squeak before backing up and giving a polite bow. "My name is Kasa Mon a pleasure to meet you. I apologize for interrupting your meeting with Mikoto-san."
"A pleasure to meet you. I'm Naori Uchiha," replied the young woman.
"Naori…Uchiha?" I repeated, blinking as I stared up at her pretty face. "As in Itachi's fiancée?"
"So you've heard," said Naori, her soft voice never changing. "What's your thoughts on this? Itachi is your best friend right?"
"…I guess?" I glanced at Itachi briefly before shrugging. "Personally, I think you're too good for him Naori-san. He's a weirdo that's into beast—" I found a hand clamped firmly over my mouth before I could finish.
"I'll be right back mother," said Itachi in a deadpan as he dragged me kicking and flailing down the hall. "I need to escort Kasa out of the house before she could taint Sasuke and Naori-san with her stupidity."
I tried to back-kick him for the insult, but he easily dodged my attack and continued dragging me along like a rag doll. I tried fighting back, but eventually, I gave in and waved the two women a fair well as Itachi dragged me out.
"Are you trying to make yourself a nuisance?" sighed Itachi as he released me a safe distance away from the house.
"Not actively, why?" I said as I adjusted the straps to my okobos and straightened my clothes, brushing away the wrinkles that formed during the little scuffle. "I just wanted to join Naruto in a little gloating that I'm the better older sibling. I wasn't expecting to see your fiancée. By the way, I think she is totally awesome! Did you see her handle Akuma? She didn't' even need a killing intent! Do you think if I asked her, she would teach me how to do that?"
"…You came over to gloat?" said Itachi in confusion.
"Uh… yeah, why else would I bother coming over, when we just got back?" I tilted my head mirroring his confusion. "I've seen you nearly every day for the last two months why the heck would I randomly decide to visit you just as we got home? If I had a choice I would totally crash into my bed and sleep until next week or until Kurei sensei come and drag my ass out for missions."
"…So you really didn't come over to cause trouble?" asked Itachi warily.
"If I wanted to cause trouble, do you think I'd try to drag Naruto out instead of just letting him do whatever he wanted to do?" I replied dully.
"I've learned not to trust you," said Itachi with crossed arms.
"Believe what you want." I gave an uncaring wave. "But shouldn't you head back soon before your mom thinks we've eloped to a far off country, changed our names and decided on a life of circus performers? Only to get tragically killed, leaving our only son of a rich philanthropist billionaire that's secretly a vigilante that puts him in a bright red uniform that screams kill me?"
"…I'm not even going to try to make sense of what you've just said," said Itachi as he rubbed the side of his temple trying to ward away the oncoming headache.
"No, you're right, Shisui is your one and only love and technically you should be eloping with him." I chirped as Itachi found his palm to his face. "You know, maybe you could get Naori-san to surrogate for you two. Your babies would be totally badass. Though, that's probably unfair to her, but I wouldn't recommend getting a fan girl to do it, she might just steal your baby and try to extort you into marrying her."
"Why is it the longer I talk to you, the less sense you make?" sighed Itachi.
"I'm making perfect sense, you just don't have the right sensibility to understand what I'm saying." I retorted with a grin. "Seriously, you've got to let loose once in a while and just give into the hypothetical situation."
"Like what you and Shisui do?" said Itachi dryly.
"Exactly!" I agreed. "Now, how would you solve the surrogate issue?"
"By not having kids," said Itachi bluntly.
"Oh come on, that's boring! Pick something crazy!" I huffed. "It's not like you're actually going to do it."
"This is stupid," said Itachi.
"Do it, or I'm going back into the house and tell Naori-san that the reason you brought Akuma home was so that you could—"
"You," cut off Itachi.
"Huh?" I blinked. "Pardon?"
"You said pick something crazy," reasoned Itachi. "Only someone that's out of their mind would ask you to be the surrogate mother of their child."
I opened my mouth to say something, but curled a finger under my chin thoughtfully instead. "You have a point there."
Itachi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Well… I would do it I supposed, since you and Shisui are my best buddies." I hummed.
Itachi glanced up in surprise, but before he could say anything, I continued onto a psychotic ramble.
"But childbirth is such a hassle, I much rather turn into a weird blue alien that gets experimented on by maniacal scientist that eventually breeds a badass silver-haired soldier with mommy issues. Who eventually decapitates me and uses my head as a teddy bear as he slumbers and waits for the appropriate time to drop meteor on this pathetically little planet and declare himself god!"
Following my near nonsensical rambling was a psychotic cackle. For some reason, I really enjoy those cackles. It gives the lungs a good work out. However, before I could indulge any further, I felt a hard poke to my forehead.
"Enough," said Itachi as he turned to leave. "Keep this up and someone will definitely think you're crazy and lock you up in the psyche ward."
"I'm surprise you haven't done it yourself." I retorted, rubbing my head.
"Stay here, I'll go get Naruto," said Itachi with a roll of his eyes. "I really wonder if you are a good role model for him."
"At least my little brother won't have a big brother complex and end up bringing about the world's end just because you were a dick to him one too many times." I stuck my tongue out childishly.
Itachi shook his head in exasperation as he turned and headed back to the house. I fought back a snigger as I grasped my hands behind my back and rocked back on my heels. I guess a little normalcy after all that's happened is a nice break for a change… if only I appreciated it more…
Author's Note: Sorry for the horrendously long wait, my back is seriously not cooperating. It's doing much better, but I really shouldn't be sitting all that much. Not much progression this chapter, mostly fluff and a little break for Kasa before I put her through hell again… It's fun putting her through hell. :) Thanks for all your reviews and well wishes! I'll try to update whenever I can, but until therapy is over, updates will be down to a snail's pace. Thanks for reading! I'll see you in the next chapter!