A/N: This will be several chapters.
Dedicated to the person who encouraged me to write this.
It's Not At All What It's Cracked Up To Be
I wish that without me your heart would break; I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake. – Kate Nash, The Nicest Thing
"Seeley…" Her voice cuts me, especially now. It falls over me and makes me sweat even more than I already am like a thick blanket of guilt that I can't kick off has been laid over me. I close my eyes as I rub my thumb over the sensitive part of her lower back reassuringly.
"What are you thinking about?"
I could say nothing, I could tell her not to worry, I could ask her to go back to sleep but I don't say any of those things and for a moment I'm not even sure why. I let out a long held breath and I ask God to forgive me as I kick off the thin blanket from my legs and briefly feel comforted by the cool air of the room against my feet only to be pummeled seconds later by a freight train of worry and anxiety.
"Just about how lucky I am to have you here with me." How I say it, the way those words sound when they leave my mouth leaves me feeling like the biggest piece of shit on this planet. She tightens her hold around me this time, drawing me in closer to her and I follow.
"I love you." She whispers. It's raining pretty steadily and the tranquilizing sound washes over me and I entertain the thought of pretending not to hear her over the drops of water that are currently being blown forcefully into my bedroom window. But I can't get myself to do that, I just…. can't. Right after I question myself silently what kind of a man am I? I pull myself together, for her.
"I love you too."
And I do. I love Hannah. But I just don't know if I need her more than I actually love her. I'm just not sure whether or not I needed her long before I actually loved her.
"I think I'm going to go for a drive….get some fresh air." I explain.
"Seeley…" She raises her head from my pillow and forces her eyes open, barely, to look down at me as I lay on my back, stiff and still. I don't say anything because I know she isn't finished yet.
"This is the third night in a row you've gone out for a drive in the middle of the night." She said more worriedly than pissed off to my surprise and relief. All I can do is sigh in response as no words come to my rescue. It wasn't really the middle of the night anyway, it wasn't even technically midnight. 11:49.
"It's pouring outside." Her voice cracks as she pleads and I close my eyes. I just… I have to get out. These last few nights I've felt like I just had to get up and go for a drive. Even that first night, when I was pretty comfortable in bed and in my own skin, in a pretty peaceful sleep, I woke up suddenly with an urgent need to go for a drive. And I did.
I drove around aimlessly, trying not to think about, well, everything. I turned on the radio, flipped through the stations. I drove by some late night hot spots making sure that everyone else in DC was happy with their lives. Eventually sleep would start calling my name again and I would head back towards my place but as soon at that happened, both times, I would find that I was being pulled towards the lab and it was kind of like I was on autopilot… I'd just go without even giving it another thought. I'd get there and make my way into the parking garage. The first night when I saw her car parked in her usual spot I stopped and shifted my truck into park without pulling into a spot. I just sat there. Idling. Watching the elevator doors with my head rested against the head rest, I'd force my eyes to stay open as I watched the doors, watched for Bones. Last night I did the same thing, drove around for about an hour and pretended like my final destination wasn't that god damned parking garage. I even drove past the street I was supposed to turn on only to get about forty yards and then pull a U turn like some kind of fucking maniac. I'd just sit there and wait hoping she'd come out. When keeping my eyes open actually became physically unbearable I'd let myself close them, just for a few minutes and listen instead.
She didn't come out and I was definitely not going in.
"I know… I just…. I'll be fine, ok?" I tell her and open my eyes at the same time. I shift over to my side so that I'm propped up on my elbow and face to face with her.
"But you're not fine… you're not." She shakes her head and looks down at the space between us.
"But I will be," I lay a gentle kiss against her forehead, "I promise." Even though it's dark, I can tell that she's started to cry by the long pause followed by a sniff and it kills me.
"But will we be ok?" She brings her eyes back up to mine.
I sigh again as I try to find the right words that will comfort her, that will reassure her, that will keep her from crying. After I rack my brain and come up with absolute shit all I can do is reiterate what was already said. I place my hand on the bed in the space between us and run my fingers along the sheet a few times before finally keeping them still.
"Don't worry; I'm just going for a drive."
Hannah isn't like Bones. She doesn't… push. She accepts what I've given her without further argument. She turns away from me onto her other side and lays back down pulling the blanket up and over her shoulders. After staying propped up on my elbow for a few more minutes going over the fact that I'm a massive screw up and feeling completely defeated I decide to get out of bed. I grab for my jeans and shirt that I threw over the chair when I took them off only a couple hours earlier. I quickly get dressed and grab my wallet from the dresser shoving it into my back pocket.
"I'll be back soon." I say standing inside my bedroom door frame.
"I love you." She tells me again.
"I know Hannah."
I must be an idiot…a complete idiot or completely fucking crazy. I half speed walk half jog to my truck though it really doesn't make a difference because as I jump into the driver's side and slam the door closed nearly taking off my leg in the process I glance down at myself and take note of my now completely drenched shirt sticking to me. I grab one of my towels from my gym bag in the back and start to dry my hair and my shirt as much as I can. I throw it into the back seat and take off.
I pull up to the traffic light. I'm only given until that light turns green to make a decision and I have no clue what I should do. I know what I want to do, but that's different than knowing what you should do. The last two nights I turned left, away from her….granted I ended up going there anyway, but the point is that I turned left first. Maybe I could pop in and talk to her, see how she's been holding up. I mean lately I have felt completely disconnected from Bones and not only is it bothering me because of the actual being disconnected part but what's really killing me is that I feel like I've given up my right to be there the way that I want to be there for her. I'm trapped here in a place that I never thought I would be. I tried. Now she's obviously going through something and there isn't anything that I can do about it.
"Is there?" I whisper to myself.
The horn sounding off behind me startles me out of my thoughts and I look up to see the green light glaring back at me. I stare back at it my foot still pressed on the brake refusing to go. I haven't made a decision yet. Shit.
The windshield wipers move back and forth across the glass mimicking my very own back and forth thoughts going on in my head right now. The horn blares again and I can hear the faint sound of the jerks voice behind me. I lean to look into my side mirror and I see him sticking his head out of the window and flailing his arms around like a moron. I chuckle to myself and lift my foot from the brake pedal slowly. I guess I'm actually the bigger moron here. I am the one stopped at a green light seemingly very confused, amongst other things. I flick on my turn signal with some added aggression and make the right turn quickly leaving the horn guy behind with a sharp turn and a screech of my tires against the wet street.
When I turn onto the less busy road I feel myself take a deep long breath. I didn't even realize I was holding my breath before. "Jesus." I mutter to myself and wipe away my still wet hair back from my forehead. I wonder how things would have turned out if I would have never told Bones how I feel that night after our session with Sweets. I know… I mean I know without a doubt I wouldn't be going through this shit right now. Your basic fucking stalker. I wouldn't be struggling like I am. I struggle with questions; questions that I want answers to but at the same time…don't want answers to. I mean really messed up questions that people would never ask out loud to anyone else, questions that most people are probably even too afraid to ask themselves. Is it possible to love the person you are with but hate the decisions you've made that got you there? It is possible.
Because I am living it.
After more silence, station changing, debating, holding my breath without knowing and letting it out with a near gasp- I finally pull into the parking garage. I see her car parked and I stop before I pass it. My mind decides at that moment to remind me of Hannah. "But will we be ok?" I blink her away and focus on what I'm doing now.
It's early. Earlier than it was the last two nights I was here so I decide to park. I pull up next to the car of one of the security guards. I sit… idling…like I did the last two nights, like a fucking stalker. I can see the elevator doors from where I am but as more time passes my vision begins to get blurrier and blurrier and I can't keep them open any more. I'll just rest my eyes for a little bit I say to myself as I stop resisting that pull and give in to sleep.