A/N - So I'm going to finish this damn story, whether it likes it or not. This chapter is short but I feel like that's how I want it to be to get things started again.
A First of Many Conclusions
It's been about a week and a half since Bones tried to sever our partnership. I'm not angry. I know why she did it. If only she knew how damn haunting she is…. I still can't get her face out of my head. Every night I'm plagued with images as I try to force myself to sleep. But I can't help it. Bones…she looked so….disappointed. She did something that she never does. Ever. She reached out and invested everything she had into that single moment. Into me. And I failed. I disappointed her. I hurt her no matter what my reasoning was. And that hurts me more than anything else. It hurts and haunts me more than her shoving those papers into my chest trying her hardest at severing our partnership.
It's obvious that this is consuming me and I need to talk to someone before I explode. I can't talk to just anyone though. I can't talk to Cam or anyone who I know I'll get a lecture from, anyone who will be able to see right through me. Anyone who really knows me and will be able to pick up on the emotion that's there just lurking behind whatever wall I try and build. Who can I get to back down easily when I'm feeling trapped?
Sweets is a smart kid and I know he won't push me. He's the most logical explanation or maybe just the most readily available. Either way I make my decision final and seek out the shrink.
"Wait. Did she say that she loved you? Was it that direct?" He asks trying to keep his breathing rhythmic on the treadmill while talking at the same time. I could have waited for him to finish working out but I couldn't quite keep my own desperation at bay. Even if it was Sweets I was still looking forward to getting this out in the open.
"Wow, just get right into it." I say hoping he catches my tone.
"I have to, I'm getting winded here."
And just like always, I instantly regret my decision to confide in this child. My patience is beginning to wear thin already. "What else could she have meant? She was asking me for something other than friendship, Sweets."
"Well what did you say?"
"I'm sorry. I'm with Hannah now. I moved on," My words come out quickly. As annoyed as I am with Sweets I still for some reason feel anxious for him to say something else, anything that can help me. I need him to give me some kind of answer or say something that will make all of this sit better with me. Scenes of that night appear to their familiar home inside my head sending a wave of uneasiness through me, "I love Hannah." I finally finish. It was necessary to say. Because it's true, I do love her. "I haven't told Hannah, and it's kind of eating at me."
"Well, you know if this is on your mind you should tell Hannah."
I do need to tell Hannah. But it just never felt like the right thing to do. Hannah is my girlfriend but Bones is so many things to me. The back and forth of this decision has agitated me to the point where I think I could physically be ill.
"Bones and Hannah are friends now, isn't that what secrets are for? Hey, maybe you can just give me something to make me stop feeling guilty." I say trying to make light of the situation. I want Sweets' advice but I don't want to let on how deeply this whole thing has dug its claws into me.
"Well perhaps this is difficult because you still have feelings for Dr. Brennan."
Or maybe he's already well aware of how deep those claws actually are.
It's still light outside when I get home and as I walk towards my apartment I remember the rain that poured over Bones that night drenching her. I remember the rumbling in the skies that warned me of what was to come. I ignored it. And now the sun was setting creating a bright pink glow as the blue around it continued to grow darker and darker. Such a beautiful sky, just the opposite of that night and yet I feel worse today, heavy, like I'm weighted down by rained soaked clothes as they were in that alleyway. Just days ago I told myself that I could never betray Bones by telling Hannah about what happened but at the end of it all Hannah is the one I'm with. And regardless of anything else, I cannot lie to her. I refuse to be that guy. God knows how my own father was and He also knows I want to do everything I can in this life to be the exact opposite of that. I know Bones will understand that, maybe not right away, but I know she will one day.
And however Hannah feels about it after that is up to her but at least I'll have it off my chest and maybe everything will go back to normal. What is normal, anyway? I walk into my apartment as I ponder that question and I immediately smell food. Thai. Hannah is already home. I begin to remove my holster.
"Hannah?" I yell out towards the kitchen as I set my things aside.
I hear the sound of her bare feet padding out from the kitchen against the old and creaky wood flooring and then I see her face. She smiles at me and licks some food remnants off the side of her right pointer finger. "Hey." Her face is bright and she looks happy. "Hey." I mimic back.
She begins to walk up to me and while doing so she asks me if I'm hungry and that she has picked up my favorite takeout. Maybe I meant to reply but her question was so far down on the list of things on my mind I just didn't. She stands in front of me. I have my hands on my waist and she grabs for my wrists pulling my hands between us and she holds them tight.
"Listen, Hannah, I need to tell you something." The bright aura she carried a moment ago begins to fade and the tight grasp she held me with loosens.
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I just… I feel like I need to tell you something about Bones and I."
She looks at me long and hard. I can tell that she's studying my face. She's trying to decode my sentence. She's trying to draw meaning out of my facial expression. She's trying to gauge my seriousness. She let's go of my hands and they fall to my sides.
I grab for her hands again. "It's nothing you need to worry about really, I mean, it's nothing major." But it is major. It felt pretty damn catastrophic to be completely honest. But I want desperately for things to be better and I hope that me being honest is the start of that. "How about we go out and have this conversation over a drink?" I give her hands a light squeeze and she smiles a little bit. "Ok. Let me just put the food in the fridge." She says as she backs up and heads back towards the kitchen. I put my hands back on my waist and tilt my head up to the ceiling. "I really hope I'm doing the right thing here." I mutter up to heaven before heading back to my bedroom to get changed.
Hope you liked it. More to come soon. Leave a review and let me know your thoughts if you don't mind. You can also follow me on twitter givesup_umm and give me feedback that way as well :-)