Disclaimer: I do not own 'Switched at Birth'. Additionally, I don't own the song that inspired the chapter title, 'What do I Have to Do?', by Martina McBride.
Story Title: Out of Control
Chapter Title: Leave You Behind
Summary: Running to the Galapagos was supposed to help her forget Emmett Bledsoe. It wasn't supposed to make her moody and throw up-y. Of course, the positive pregnancy test in her hand was trying to convince her that it was a baby making her sick, but that was just stupid.
Rated: M, for language and a lemon in chapter 1, and possibly more lemons later.
AN: I'm going to admit it straight-up. The plot for this story is a little bit cliché. But the thing about cliché storylines is that they're normally really good ideas, and that's why everyone wants to write them. Ooooh, also, the quote at the beginning of the chapter is the inspiration for the title, and plus, I think it really fits Bay as a character.
Please review, I'd love to know what you guys think!
I: Leave You Behind
What do I have to do?
Where do I have to go?
To get you off my mind,
Leave you behind,
Give me a sign,
What do I have to do?
To make me stop loving you?
-What do I Have to Do?, by Martina McBride
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times, hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."- Marilyn Monroe
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Sometimes when Bay closed her eyes, she could still feel him inside of her.
She wasn't trying to remember, that would be slightly counter-productive, considering she'd run to the Galapagos to escape him, but her stupid brain didn't seem to care about what Bay wanted, so when she closed her eyes, he was suddenly there. She remembered the feeling of running her fingers through his hair, the way that he'd touched her in places that she'd never let anyone touch her before, his blue, blue eyes and the way that they'd darkened when her nails raked down his back-
Her eyes flew open, a sharp gasp escaping her, and she quickly changed into her swimsuit and went outside to the pool in an attempt to escape the memories.
Alex was a very nice boy. He had very nice parents. He had very nice brown hair, and his brown eyes were also very nice. Bay thought that he had a very nice smile, and he was very nice to her. He didn't look at other girls the whole time that they were talking-
But neither did-
-and Bay could tell that he was interested. She kept smiling, waiting for that spark, the spark that she'd always felt when faced with good-looking boys. She waited and waited and waited.
And nothing happened.
There was no spark. He was just a nice boy, who happened to be nice-looking with nice hair and nice eyes and a nice smile. He wasn't electrifying, on the knife's edge of dangerous, with a James Dean smirk and so beautiful that it was heartbreaking-
Later, when she and Alex were alone, she leaned forward and kissed him, because he was a very nice boy, and it didn't matter that there was no spark, because she'd had it proven to her oh-so-painfully exactly how heartbreaking electrifying boys could be.
Bay found herself thankful that everyone at Emmett's dad's house was deaf, one thing she didn't have to worry about here was being overheard. They were kneeling, facing each other on Emmett's bed, naked as the day they were born, and Bay was so nervous she was shaking.
Emmett's blue eyes were familiar, reassuring, as he leaned quickly forward to kiss her. As he pulled back, he signed, 'Ready for me to peel your vegetable?', that lop-sided, boyish grin in place that always made Bay's heart skip a beat.
All of her nerves dissipated as she burst out laughing at their inside joke. She nodded, and quickly found herself on her back, Emmett hovering above her. She wrapped her arms quickly around his waist, wanting him close. He centered himself, and then with a quick thrust he was inside her.
She gasped and clutched him tighter, her eyes widening, not so much from pain, though it was slightly uncomfortable, but more from the knowledge that he was actually inside of her, as close as two human beings could possibly get to each other. He dropped his head to her collarbone with a loud moan that caught Bay by surprise, and she had the fleeting thought that in the heat of the moment, in a house where she was the only hearing person, volume control was probably not his biggest priority.
He started thrusting after a moment of stillness while she adjusted, pressing open-mouthed kisses to her neck and she gasped and pulled him closer. He moaned again, and something about the sound set Bay on fire. Her hips began to meet him instinctively, thrust for thrust, and she heard herself moan in response, so wild and desperate it almost sounded animal, rather than human. She writhed under him, clawing at his back and shoulders with her nails.
He leaned up to kiss her, his thrusts becoming harder and faster and oh-so-delicious, and when he pulled his lips from hers, he pressed their foreheads together and grabbed her hands, linking their fingers together as his hips pressed her further into the mattress.
"Emmett," she gasped, and his eyes dropped to her lips. "Emmett, so good, you feel so good," she was gasping out nonsense at this point, her mind in a loop of how good this felt, her hips rocking against him insistently for more. She knew he understood her words because his eyes darkened and his mouth fell open in another moan and his hands squeezed hers more tightly-
"EMMETT!" she shrieked, as her world suddenly shattered into ecstasy-
-"Emmett, Emmett!" Bay gasped into the cold night air, waking up suddenly from a dream that was, in reality, a memory. Once she realized who's name she was calling, she resolutely clamped her mouth shut and refused to let her tears fall again.
Bay Kennish was stronger than that.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
The Italian restaurant that Alex had chosen for Bay's first proper meeting of his parents after three weeks of dating was loud, and crowded, but with the sounds of laughter and it gave off an atmosphere that Bay found that she liked.
"So Alex tells us that you're an artist," his mother prompted, an expectant smile plastered across her face. Bay felt Alex's hand take hers under the table, lacing their fingers together-
-and grabbed her hands, linking their fingers together as his hips pressed her further into the mattress-
-and squeezing her hand. Bay smiled widely at his mother. It felt slightly strained, but she didn't seem to notice.
They talked about her art for maybe ten minutes, and slowly the subject matter of their conversation meandered until their food came, and that was when everything went so, so wrong.
She picked up her fork and twirled her spaghetti around the prongs carefully, the way she'd done since she was a little girl, being careful to get just the right ratio of tomato sauce on the delicate beige strands, and then she took a bite. She didn't know if it was the smell or the taste or the texture or what, but suddenly her spaghetti seemed absolutely repulsive. Her chews slowed, and she put all of her effort into not grimacing noticeably. Alex squeezed her hand again as she thickly swallowed the glop of gross in her mouth, the grimace unavoidable now. She looked over at him, and caught sight of his concerned eyes and out of nowhere, her spaghetti came back up.
All over Alex's lap.
Needless to say, the night ended quickly after that.
Friday, August 3, 2012
What the hell?
Why did she keep throwing up? She didn't feel sick and Bay tried to eat healthy for the most part. God, it would figure that she'd chose to go somewhere to sort her life out and it would just get harder. Nothing ever worked out neatly and nicely for sixteen-year-old Bay Kennish.
It had been a week since the disastrous dinner, and while Alex and his parents had been understanding at the time, it was clear that his mother at least was growing disturbed by Bay's continuing illness.
She probably thinks I'm diseased, Bay thought sarcastically to herself, and that I'll pass on my deadly illness to her son.
It wasn't as though Bay hadn't had practice in the mother of her boyfriend hating her.
Don't think about that.
So she wasn't too surprised when Mrs. Bennett, Alex's mother, showed up at the door to her room.
Probably wants me to break up with him.
Except that thought didn't make her feel as indignant as it should.
"Bay…" Mrs. Bennett began. There was an odd look of compassion on her face, that didn't match up with the reason that Bay had assumed the woman was there. Confusion rolled through her, and to Bay's absolute disgust, she felt tears well in her eyes.
"Bay, maybe we should talk inside."
Bay just nodded, shakily trying to swallow the tears that had sprung up out of nowhere.
When they were both sat awkwardly on the edge of Bay's hotel bed, Mrs. Bennett turned to her with eyes that were filled with both fear and acceptance. Bay didn't understand what was happening.
"Bay have you… have you been to see a doctor?" Mrs. Bennett asked.
Bay shook her head 'no'. "I figured the food just didn't agree with me."
Mrs. Bennett's smile was slightly patronizing, as if to say, 'oh, you poor, stupid fool,' and Bay felt anger leap through her and tried to calm herself down with a deep breath.
"Bay, are you… are you pregnant?" Mrs. Bennett asked in a whisper, almost like she was afraid of the answer.
Bay laughed. Her, pregnant. That was probably the most ridiculous thing she'd heard in her whole life! As if she could be pregnant! For one thing, she didn't really like kids all that much, and besides, she had plans. She wasn't sure what those plans were yet, but she had them. She'd go to college, get a degree, art major maybe. Become a real, honest-to-God artist. But a baby at sixteen? No, that wasn't part of the plan.
But then again, neither was dating Emme-
"Pregnant?" Bay asked, still laughing. "Are you kidding me? Of course I'm not pregnant!" but even as she said it, her laughter slowed and the smile slid off her face, her voice becoming too high pitched as the possibility really began to occur to her.
Mrs. Bennett noticed, and the expression on her face became more distressed.
"I have to say, I had really hoped that you and Alex would wait longer before you… well, before you considered having a… an intimate relationship," she said delicately.
Bay immediately picked up on the disapproval in her tone, and felt herself blush hotly. Of course she'd be disapproving, she thought that Bay had had sex with her son after only dating for four weeks.
In an effort to make herself seem even half-respectable in this conversation about the possibility of her pregnancy at the age of sixteen, Bay blurted out the first reassurance that came to mind.
"Oh, no, Mrs. Bennett, Alex and I, we haven't-" she immediately stopped when she considered the implications of that.
Mrs. Bennett looked a strange cross between relieved and disapproving. Bay was about ready to curl into a ball and die of humiliation. She sounded like such a slut, dating Alex when she might be pregnant with some other guy's kid.
Except he's not just 'some other guy'.
"I see," Mrs. Bennett said, judgement written all over her face. She left after that, and Bay was unable to find any way to even begin to attempt to explain herself, so she watched silently as the woman stepped out into the hall.
Bay never bothered to call Alex again, and he never tried to contact her either.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
As Emmett lay on top of her, catching his breath, Bay ran her fingers through his hair, stroked gently up and down his back. It felt a little surreal, to have just lost her virginity. Logically, she knew that no one would be able to tell, but she felt so different on the inside, surely, the next time she looked in the mirror there would be some sort of change, wouldn't there?
Emmett rolled off of her after a minute, and Bay continued to stare at his white ceiling in a daze of happiness and disbelief. A sudden movement on Emmett's part made Bay look over at him, as he sat up jerkily, something like panic flashing across his face.
She tapped his arm to get his attention while he looked at something in his hands. She blushed hard when she realized it was the soiled condom they'd used.
"Is something wrong," she asked, hoping he could read her lips okay in the dim light because she'd forgotten the signs in her emotional high.
'The condom broke,' he signed. Bay felt herself pale, her stomach dropping right down into the floorboards.
"What?" she asked frantically, her hands gesticulating harshly as she remembered the sign for it.
'It broke,' he repeated, looking just as frantic as her.
Adrenaline flooded her system, and she suddenly found herself unable to sit still. With shaking hands, she got up and started pulling her clothes back on. When she found all of her clothes except for her bra, she shoved them on and continued looking for the undergarment after being sufficiently covered. Not under the bed. Or the desk. Where was it?
Emmett tapped her arm, and when she turned to look at him he'd pulled on his jeans and was still shirtless. He was holding out her bra, though, and she took it gratefully.
"Thank you," she mumbled, signing at the same time. She shoved it into her pocket as Emmett drew her attention again.
'It'll be okay,' he was signing. 'Nothing probably even happened anyway. And just in case it did, they have those morning after pills, right? Can you take one of those?'
Relief flushed through her so strongly that she felt dizzy. The morning after pill. Of course, it was so obvious! Why hadn't she thought of that?
She nodded. "Yeah, yeah, I'll take one of those, good idea."
So Bay took the morning after pill, and didn't even so much as think of babies for almost three months afterward.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Condom. Morning after pill. She'd been responsible. She'd used protection. She'd waited to lose her virginity to somebody that she loved and was in a stable relationship with. She'd done everything right. And yet, the world had found a way to shit all over Bay Kennish, just like it always did.
And was it really her fault that two, not one, but two forms of birth control had, quite apparently, failed her? And was it really her fault that her boyfriend had cheated on her, blowing her so-called 'stable' relationship right out of the water? And was it really her fucking fault that the universe hated her?
The first time she'd missed her period, she and Emmett had been fighting a lot. She'd barely even noticed its absence, and when she had, she'd shrugged it off as stress. The second time she'd missed her period, she'd already started throwing up, so she shrugged it off as illness screwing up her body chemistry and was thankful that it wasn't ruining her trip anymore than the throwing up already was.
The throwing up was morning sickness, you moron.
The third time she'd missed her period was three days after Mrs. Bennett asked her if she was pregnant. And that time, Bay was scared.
She didn't get a pregnancy test until yesterday. She'd kept trying to deny it to herself. Because she couldn't be pregnant. Babies were for people who were older, who knew what they were doing, who wanted them.
They were for people who had actually finished high school.
They were definitely not for single teenage girls with lives so screwed up, they should have their very own reality TV show.
And yet, there was a little pink plus sign staring back at her.
Bay threw the test away, dropping the piece of plastic quickly into the trash, like it was made of acid. She opened the other test she'd bought, just to be extra-super-special-sure, and shimmied out of the jeans that, recently, were feeling a little tight.
She held the stick awkwardly between her legs while she peed, and decided that there were probably very few things in the world that were less dignified.
She needn't have bothered with the gracelessness. That test came out positive too.
I think I need to think about going home soon… Bay thought as she stared at the test, lip trembling and eyes filling with tears.
Friday, August 17, 2012
It had taken her three hours to realize that she had options, and three days to work up the courage to go to a free clinic for an abortion. She didn't even know how that worked, if she could just walk in and get it over with just like that, but she knew she couldn't have a baby. Aside from being so far from ready it was laughable, she was unable to deal with a problem of this magnitude. There were too many other people in her life to think about, like her parents, all four of them, and Daphne, and Emmett-
At the thought of his name, she pulled over onto the side of the road, bumped her head against the steering wheel, hard, in an attempt to stop thinking about him, and when that didn't work, she cried. It was this stupid pregnancy, it kept making her cry and she just wanted it to stop.
It took her a whole ten minutes to calm down, and when she did, she really looked around herself and took stock of where she was. Was she really on her way to a free clinic to get an abortion? After three days of consideration? After not telling anybody? Her parents? Her family?
Did she need to tell Emmett before she went through with this? Yes, yes, she really did.
Did she want to do this?… she didn't think so. But the idea of having a baby scared her out of her mind, until she shook so hard her teeth chattered and tears were building again. She was sixteen years old, still in high school. Her life had too many problems for her to be able to provide emotional stability to a child, and beside that, the father of said child had cheated on her.
It didn't exactly sound like the best situation to bring a baby into.
And yet Bay had never really ever believed in abortion for herself. She believed in the freedom to chose what to do with your own body, but abortion had always seemed like something for other women, not for herself. She'd always assumed that when she got pregnant, the kid would be for keeps.
She closed her eyes and tried to imagine it. Even with her being sixteen, she tried to imagine it. Teenagers became parents all the time, surely she could do it if she really tried? She couldn't imagine it though. All she could see was the disappointment that her mom would look at her with, the way that Regina would tell her she was throwing her life away, her dad's rage at yet another one of Bay's fuck-ups.
And then she tried to imagine telling Emmett that he was going to be a father and suddenly it was like some kind of barrier had broken in her mind. She could see Emmett playing with a little boy with black curls in the backyard, or maybe humoring a little girl with blue eyes through a game of Barbies. They were scenes that she wanted to make real so badly it hurt-
Her eyes snapped open and she gripped the steering wheel hard as the reality of Bay's situation crashed upon her. She had turned into a statistic. Yet another pregnant teenager among many. She was away from home, alone, and had been considering getting an abortion without so much as even telling the father. And she couldn't get an abortion, because despite her best efforts, Bay Kennish was still in love with Emmett Bledsoe, and she couldn't find it within herself to kill his child.
She started sobbing right there on the side of the road.
"I still love him," she gasped out loud to herself. "I still love him."
She didn't get the abortion.