AN: This was my entry for the Twi-Fic Text Message LOL Contest. It won the Judges Award and it was Judge Clancy Jane's pick. It tied for Hottest Text Fail with the amazing Hoodfabulous's story. It also placed 2nd in the public vote. I guess not too shabby.
Thank you to mauigirl60 for using her beta magic.
I have no idea if I'm continuing, but I hope you enjoy!
"Why did someone send a picture of a garden hose to my phone?" Bella Swan wondered aloud.
Alice grabbed it away. "Girl, that's a penis!"
"Well...really? Are you sure? Unless it belongs to a giant, I don't think an ordinary man could stand up with that thing."
"It's a regular third leg, Bella," Alice stated. "We have ourselves a tripod."
Bella stared at it. "How can the dude even walk?"
"Dude? Seriously, Bella, you're one step away from a Pretty in Pink cameo!" Alice threw herself back onto their couch and started flipping through a Bon Appetit.
"Yes, because Ducky is sending Andie dirty pictures so she'll take him to the prom." Bella sat next to Alice and moved her feet; Alice was a notorious couch hog. "What are you making me, woman?"
Having a chef as a roommate was the best idea ever.
"Nothing! I have a date with Jasper," Alice explained. Bella was saddened, because it was boxed mac & cheese again. "Tell Jake to stop sending you harassing pictures."
"It's not Jake." Bella glanced at the phone. "That boy has a nubbin!"
"It's about the size of a pencil eraser nub." Bella grimaced. "I felt nothing with that thing. I usually just fell asleep. He never even noticed!"
"Surprise, surprise." Alice was not Jake's biggest fan.
Bella just grinned. "It wasn't a big deal. I do enjoy my sleep."
"I know you do, lady," Alice said, patting Bella's head. "Just imagine if it was that big piece of man-meat getting you all worked up!"
"It would be like getting plugged with a log. No! Thank you!" Bella stated as her phone buzzed.
"Tell Rose..." Alice began, but Bella put her hand up in the air.
Bella stared at the phone. "It's not Rose, and that's just the tip."
"The tip of what?" Alice asked innocently.
"Definitely not a pencil."
Alice yelled, "Nooo way! What are you going to do?"
"Delete it, Alice!"
Alice started bouncing. "Write the jackass back."
Bella yawned. "That's just rewarding the douche's bad behavior. I might as well send him a box of chocolates. I wonder if he has a mullet?"
Alice had headed into the bathroom, when Bella's phone buzzed again.
April 11, 2013, 7:19 PM
You aren't going to say anything? You're an ass.
Bella narrowed her eyes.
April 11, 2013, 7:21 PM
You've got the wrong number, mister. Nice snake, though. Does it bite?
The mystery mullet was quiet on the other end. Bella just smiled smugly.
April 11, 2013, 7: 27 PM
Not like yours does. On another note, I heard that blonde you're scoping likes worms. You two will be perfect!
April 11, 2013, 7:31 PM
When did you realize that your hose was sent to the wrong number? That's unless you're planning on watering my flowers.
April 11, 2013, 7:33 PM
Cut it out, Em.
April 11, 2013, 7:35 PM
This isn't Em, but thanks for the free porn. My roommate thought it was dandy. She was impressed by that stick in your pants.
April 11, 2013, 7:40 PM
I'm so sorry! Wait, stick?
April 11, 2013, 7:19 PM
I could have said twig. Lose my number.
It was quiet the rest of the night. Bella really was planning on erasing the offending pictures. That was until she hit 'save'.
Friday nights were the worst to be tending bar at Dumphy's Pub. It was chaotic and the tips were unsatisfactory. Bella was twisting the tops off beer bottles when Eric nudged her in the ribs. "Rosie Posey is waving at you, girl! Go on over."
He blew her a kiss and Rose winked in return. She was holding court with her new boyfriend and a couple Bella didn't know. The man at the table was quite the looker with his crazy red hair. Of course, it being Bella's luck, all the good ones were taken. The blonde next to him was giggling in his ear like a demented loon.
"I'm not leaving you here to face these ruffians!" she exclaimed. The brothers of Sigma Phi Delta were drunk and throwing their underwear in the air.
"I'm good, honey! I think that one's winking at me." He giggled.
"I think he's trying not to pass out." Bella watched the frat boy barely keep his head from crashing on the wooden bar. "That boy is cut off. I'll just hop over to Rose and say hi. I'll be right back."
She almost tripped when she heard Rose's boyfriend say loudly, "Dumbass over here was so drunk that he thought sending me a picture of his dick was a brilliant idea!"
"Actually, it was Riley's idea." The handsome one looked embarrassed. "Just be glad you didn't get it."
He should be, Bella thought. He was just like the mysterious mullet and his garden hose. Wait...was Em actually Emmett? No. Please, no!
"Why didn't he get it?" Rose asked, her evil blue eyes gleaming. Alice never should have opened her big mouth to her. Alice would pay and it wouldn't be merciful, Bella decided.
The giggly blonde started cackling. Her watermelon breasts were bobbing so hard that Bella thought they were going to take out all the drinks that were on the table. "I would love to see that!"
Of course, she would.
The redhead's face began to match his hair. "I sent it to a stranger... a female stranger.
Oh, no! Bella froze.
"Don't you have Emmett's number programmed into your phone?" Rose put her elbows on the table and batted her eyes innocently at the man. She was up to something.
The stranger shrugged. "I lost my phone. I haven't reprogrammed my numbers into the new phone yet."
"Let me get this straight, you were too lazy to reprogram your phone. You got drunk as a skunk and let your moron frat brother convince you to take a dick picture. Then, you text message it to a poor woman who's now scarred for life?" Rose asked with a grin.
Emmett looked over at Bella. He started chuckling. It appeared Rosalie had a big mouth like Alice.
"Hey, I feel bad!" The man's pretty face twisted angrily. "It was obviously a delusional and prudish old lady who got it. She said it was the size of a twig! I bet that roommate of hers who thought it was a stick was really one of her hundreds of cats."
Bella was not impressed by this egotistical pretty bit.
"Oh...a cat lady. I bet she has dentures, wears sweatshirts with bedazzled kittens and orthopedic shoes." Rose looked over at Bella and blew her a kiss.
"Of course," the man scoffed. "The old bat hasn't seen a penis since the fifties and wasn't wearing her bifocals. That's the only way anyone would ever think my dick is small."
"Whatever, little brother, whatever!" Emmett laughed and poured himself another beer from the pitcher. "Ah, here's my favorite and also the prettiest beer wench in this joint! How ya doin', sugar britches?"
Bella just smiled at Emmett. He was a charmer. She was really hoping he wasn't actually related to the jerk at the table.
"Edward Cullen, may I introduce you to your grizzled old cat lady, Isabella Swan?" Rosalie was barely containing her glee at making them uncomfortable. "Bella, this is Edward. You would know him as the mullet man who sports a twig."
Bella just gave a little wave. "Hey."
The first thing that popped out of Edward's mouth was, "You couldn't possibly have thought it was tiny."
"Ehh! It's better than a nubbin." Bella smirked.
Emmett's beer flew out of his mouth. "If Rosie never marries me, you will. Okay, Bella?"
"I'll jot you down on my dance card...Em." Bella liked seeing this Edward guy all red-faced. She bet he got all red-faced when he was pushing that huge thing into... Now, it was Bella's turn to blush.
"Edward is big!" the blonde giggled, looking down at the crotch of Edward's chinos.
"I'm sure he is, Miss Giggles. You go on and enjoy that log of his." Bella regained her composure. "Em, I'll send over Eric with another pitcher for you. Oh, and Rose? Pay-back's a bitch, honey."
Bella could feel Edward's eyes on her the whole way back to the bar.
It was only two minutes later that she received the first text.
April 15, 2013, 9:40 PM
Small world, huh?
April 15, 2013, 9:41 PM
Didn't I tell you to lose this number, Twiggy?
Bella decided since he wasn't going to stop messaging her, she should save the number and give him an official title.
April 15, 2013, 9:45 PM
I don't listen well. You want to go out?
April 15, 2013, 9:47 PM
Shouldn't you be sharing your garden hose with Tickle Me Blondie, right now?
Watch out for her melons. They'll take out an eye.
She was hoping that was the end of the conversation, but Mr. Cullen was a man on a mission.
April 15, 2013, 9:49 PM
I'm more interested in your melons.
Bella was strangely turned on. That was the moment she decided to hide.
"Eric, I'm grabbing another case of Smutty Nose from the back. Do we need anything else?"
"Honey, those strapping lads are going through the Bud Light." He wrinkled his tiny nose. "Stinky stuff. Grab some of those."
Eric had tiny chicken arms and relied on Bella's strength for restocking.
She headed to the back and, as Bella's arms raised up to grab a case of beer, a voice crooned, "That's the nicest view I've had all night."
This startled Bella and she fell backwards, landing on her back. The case of Bud Light - thankfully, cans - landed on her stomach with a loud thud. That hurt like a bitch.
Edward ran over and knelt down beside her, his eyes filled with worry. "Are you okay?"
"Am I dead? Is this a version of heaven, where you just shut up and look pretty; or hell, where you keep jabbering at me?" she asked. Her back was certainly going to be sore in the morning.
His hand stroked her face. "You're so pretty."
"I'm not half-bad," she admitted. "Shouldn't you be saying such accolades to Giggle Girl?"
He moved his mouth closer to hers. Bella gazed into his eyes. It would have been somewhat sexy if it weren't for the cold, hard floor that reeked of skunked beer. He whispered, "Lauren is just a friend."
"You should clue her in. I think Giggles is betting on seeing your twig and berries, buddy." Bella shifted slightly. A carpet or at least a rug would have been nice right then.
He moved in closer. "She's going to be disappointed, then. Can I kiss you?"
"I don't know you," she replied. It was good to be practical. Plus, the sooner she could get off this floor, the better.
Edward grinned. "You've already seen my penis."
"Sort of. I wasn't wearing my glasses." She winked at him.
"Wow! You are something else, girl," he said.
That's when he kissed her. Bella would admit quite freely that the man with the mighty hose was a fantastic kisser. She would have enjoyed it more if she wasn't stuck on a hard floor.
"So, will you go out with me?" Edward smiled.
Bella smirked. "Will you help me up from the floor? I think I'm stuck on some Sam Adams that Eric spilled on here last week."
"Then, absolutely, I will go out with you." Bella really wanted to see his hose in person.
Bella was feeling a bit annoyed. They'd been on seven dates and Edward Cullen hadn't even rounded to home base. In fact, they were barely approaching second.
April 29, 2013, 5:00 PM
I think we need to do something different tonight.
Bella just looked at her phone with a small grin.
April 29, 2013, 5:04 PM
Chinese instead of Italian?
April 15, 2013, 9:45 PM
I thought we could do some gardening. Open up.
Bella rushed to the door. Their text messages were always silly, but this was odd. She only had a tiny apartment. Would they be planting tomatoes by the couch? Lettuce by the toilet? Cucumbers by her bed? Bella just wanted Edward's cucumber in her bed.
Opening the door, Edward stood outside, wearing only a trench coat. Bella pulled him in quickly. "What are you wearing and not wearing?"
"Well, Bella, I was thinking that you and I are progressing nicely in our relationship," he said, slowly opening his coat.
She blinked several times. This wasn't happening. "Sure," she agreed with him.
"I want to tend your garden," Edward said, as he removed his coat. There he stood before her, in all his naked glory.
It was huge! There was no way that it would comfortably fit inside her. It would be like cramming a basketball into a hole on a golf course.
"Maybe we should just wait a bit." Bella couldn't take her eyes off it. "That thing can water the whole damned garden!"
He grinned. "I thought it was supposed to be a twig."
"Sometimes phone cameras don't accurately convey images," she said, swallowing thickly. "You just might have yourself a redwood there."
Edward pulled Bella to him and removed her shirt and bra. Bella was still in a naked Edward daze. He looked at her body and sighed, "Those are a fine pair of melons."
"They haven't been tended to in quite a while," she whimpered. His fingers deftly played with her breasts. She was going to faint.
He glanced down. "You wore a skirt for me."
"Yup," she replied. He had nice hands that were now sneaking up her skirt and into her panties. "Oh!"
"You have a nicely pruned bush," he purred. Edward Cullen was kinky and Bella Swan loved it.
Bella whispered in his ear, "I was hoping for so long that a nice hose would come along and water my garden."
She stroked that gardening tool from base to tip, making him shudder.
"Woman, you're perfect for me!" he cried out, tossing her onto the love seat. He watched her shimmy out of her clothes with appreciative eyes.
He dove on top of her and kissed her furiously. It was a bit cramped, to say the least. There was also a spring poking into Bella's back, which is what happened trying to refurbish furniture from the dump. Or, as Alice always called it "College Senior Chic".
It didn't matter to Bella at that moment, because Edward's fingers were working their magic on her.
He looked down at her chest. "I want to taste those melons."
Bella gasped as he put his mouth on her nipple and started sucking. Making absolutely no sense at all, she said, "They're particularly juicy this time of year."
Edward replied, "Mmm. Yummy."
Bella started fondling that hose of his again and was pulling it toward where she needed most and it wasn't to water the herbs.
"I need more," she panted. This was turning out to be quite the workout.
He licked her face. "Do you need my big hose, Bella?"
"Fill me up!" she gasped.
With a mighty thrust, he entered her. It was damned big and the momentum pushed Bella's head hard into the wall. She yelled, "Goddamn, you have a giant oak tree!"
"All for you, girl," he crooned.
He plowed into her over and over, her head repeatedly hitting the wall. Bella really didn't care, because it felt good. Really good.
"You...like...this...ugh...sweet...oh, God...heart?" he grunted.
She pulled Edward's face to her and screamed, "Give me fucking more!"
That was the hottest thing Edward had ever seen.
They mashed their face to one another's and let loose sounds that were normally found in the jungle or a zoo. It was frightening.
That was what poor Alice Brandon saw as she left her bedroom to get a glass of milk. She thought Bella was watching a bad porno. "Oh, my eyes! My poor eyes!"
It would be an image emblazoned in Alice's mind for years, haunting her nightmares.
Bella, just as she was coming, was able to grunt out, "Sorry, Al!"
"Damn woman, you complete me!" Edward screamed. He let out a series of swear words as he let go and collapsed on top of Bella. "My apologies, Alice."
Alice let out a little scream and ran to her bedroom.
Edward looked down at Bella with an impish grin. "Fancy a round two? I need to taste some more of your Garden of Eden."
Bella giggled loudly.
Alice screamed, "Take it to a bedroom, you heathens!"
And, so they did.
Twelve months later, Bella and Alice stood in a flower grove in the botanical garden. Bella was unbuttoning her shirt quickly. "Just take the picture really quick and we can send it to Edward."
"This is the oddest anniversary gift ever, Swan." Alice was holding Bella's phone and trying to find the best angle to make the picture look somewhat artsy and not a dirty boob shot. "Take this flower and put it between your breasts."
She grabbed a large pink flower and gave it to Bella.
Bella smiled. "You have such wonderful ideas. Rosalie wanted me to do a striptease video."
"Of course she would." Alice rolled her eyes and held Bella's phone up. "We are so getting arrested for public nudity. Turn to the right a little. The lighting's better."
"This is going to be great!" Bella said excitedly.
"Cullen has made you into a pervert," Alice admonished. "Shit! I hear a school bus. Button up! Quick!"
Bella started buttoning up her shirt. "Send it with this message... Dear Edward, Happy Anniversary! Love, Melons."
"Sent!" Alice exclaimed. "Oh, shit!"
"What did you do, Al?" Bella instantly felt nervous.
"Umm...you know how Emmett's name is next to Edward's?"
Bella felt nauseous. "You didn't!"
Alice handed her the phone.
April 29, 2014, 5:00 PM
Nice little plums you have there, Swan.
I bet they fit perfectly in his womanly hands!
I'll just be passing it along to him. See ya!